During my years of
marriage and being on the receiving end of Domestic Abuse, I felt so
alone. No one ever spoke about domestic
violence. I had never heard anyone admit
to either being a victim or perpetrator.
I never came across any Domestic Violence awareness publicity. There was a silence of immense proportions around Domestic
Violence that implied it wasn’t an issue anywhere. The inference I drew was that I was alone,
very few people if any at all, would know what I was going through and have
sufficient knowledge and experience to help.
I felt that I
could never confide in anyone for fear of ridicule. In my experience, Domestic Violence is not
about one partner exercising their superior physical strength, but rather about
power and control driven by one partner’s insecurities. Since speaking out and telling my story, I
have heard the rare comment failing to understand how a strapping man can be
abused by a physically weaker woman?
Most who have read or heard my story have grasped that Domestic Abuse
runs deeper. Responding to violent
behaviour with retaliatory violent behaviour is never the solution. With nowhere to turn or no one that could understand, where
could I turn?
And so, for years,
I bottled up my emotions. I put on a
brave face. I once told people I’d
walked into a rose bush to explain the deep scratch marks on my face. I absorbed all the insults and demeaning
comments. Nobody knew my inner
anguish. No one knew the pressure of
trying to shield the children from their mother’s violent behaviour towards me
that they witnessed. I wasn’t totally
silent. Behind the closed door, I did
speak up. After she had burnt out her
anger, I would question the events that had just occurred. I would express my view that what had
happened was not ‘normal’ behaviour and perhaps external help should be
sought. The answer was always either
denial or “You’re a man, you can cope with it.”
And so I kept my
silence. I was and I felt totally
alone. Ironically, many a time I would
preach a message at church that contradicted this. “You are not alone, God is with you in your
suffering.” A favourite illustration I often used was that “the promise “You
are not alone,” is found 366 times in the Bible, one for every day of the year
including leap year.” Such sermonizing
may have pleased the congregation, but as I stood and preached that God was
always with his people in their suffering and difficulties, my personal
experience was that this God who Christians say is a God of love and loves even
the worst ‘sinner’ had abandoned me and if he/she /it existed, had a very
strange way of showing love to me.
I can understand Domestic
Abuse victims being drawn to this message that the Christian God is with them
and I know that were someone to walk into my church and share that they were a
victim, well-meaning church-goers would assure them of their prayers and that
their God would be with them. But is it
enough?
That promise did
not hold true for me. The only time I
haven’t felt alone is when I can talk openly with people who have some
understanding around the issues of domestic abuse or have sadly experienced it
themselves. It pains me deeply that
there is no or very little support for men and so I have formed a support group especially for men affected
by Domestic Violence. You are not alone!
https://www.facebook.com/groups/MensRoommDVUK/
