Sunday, 8 March 2015

Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while.  As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse.   I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions.  There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.  

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with.  I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such.  In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse.   Other men have said similar to me.  Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women?  Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH.  Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence.  They will make excuses.  Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.  

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions.  It always someone else’s fault.  If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.  

The media contributes to this.  Read all the news reports from the courts.  If a man is in court, there’s no leniency.  If a woman is tried for a crime  9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it.  If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction.  The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting?  Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’.  A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner.  She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence.  I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference. 

But this highlights the difference in my eyes.   In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions. 


  1. Thank you for campaigning and raising such important issues.

  2. Hi, I don't know if you're aware of the Justice For Men and Boys (and the wonmen who love them) Party ... Three parliamentary candidates are being fielded in Nottingham for the upcoming general election. Mike Buchanan is a friend of mine .. please mention me if you want to get in touch. Tony Stott

  3. “We see bizarre cases where abusive and violent mothers are given child custody to ‘save their motherhood. One sees fathers kept from the bedsides of dying children because their presence might upset the mother.” Peter Jensen, "New Laws on Child Custody Should Help Fathers,” Vancouver Sun, 18 December 2002.

  4. "The amount of violence in marriage is small (most violence takes place between cohabitants or lovers). When violence does occur it is balanced between the sexes…. Most physical abuse of children is perpetrated by women.” Melanie Phillips, “The Rape Reform That Makes All Men Guilty,” Sunday Times, 4 July 1999.

  5. Thank you for your blog about domestic violence by women. I am a woman who was in a relationship with a woman that turned to domestic violence. Many people in my own family refused to believe it could happen and kept saying that my ex was just upset that we broke up. NO! We broke up because she was verbally and emotionally abusive as well as has diagnosed mental illness that she refuses to get medical attention. So thank you for writing about women as the abusers.

    1. Thank you for sharing Campbell. You raise an important issue and I see some similarities. So many people refuse to accept that women can be the abusers in a relationship. There are also academic studies that state that a higher percentage of DV takes place in lesbian relationships than any other relationship. Glad to read that you are in a better place . Stay safe and keep up the good work.

  6. Glad people are beginning to speak out against women abusers. There is a double standard. Women can abuse men. I was sad to see Hope Solo still playing soccer. If she were a man she would have been suspended or there would be outrage. The message needs to be violence from anyone is wrong. Women can be the worst if the culture permits it.

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  8. This story was a real eye opener for me. I had no idea that male abuse was so high. In fact, I thought it was a tiny percentage of the big picture. If that is the case, then I am glad it is finally having a light shown on it and that all those women who blame others are being held accountable.

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