Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while.  As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse.   I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions.  There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.  

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with.  I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such.  In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse.   Other men have said similar to me.  Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women?  Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH.  Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence.  They will make excuses.  Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.  

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions.  It always someone else’s fault.  If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.  

The media contributes to this.  Read all the news reports from the courts.  If a man is in court, there’s no leniency.  If a woman is tried for a crime  9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it.  If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction.  The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting?  Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’.  A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner.  She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence.  I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference. 

But this highlights the difference in my eyes.   In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions. 

Personality Disorders

For years while I endured sustained assaults and suffered Domestic Abuse, I made excuses for my perpetrator.  My attacker has never shown any remorse for her actions or even acknowledged the impact it has had on me and our children.  It’s over 4 years since I escaped from the relationship and I’ve been able to move forward, but I still try and seek understanding as to why my ex behaved in the manner she did.  

Most of the data sources will tell you that Domestic Violence perpetrators are narcissistic  and taking full advantage of male privilege.  However, when pointed out that women can also behave in a violent manner towards their intimate partners, denial can no longer be used that this actually happens because it’s now accepted as possible.   Mind you, if a woman is a perpetrator of Domestic abuse, it is because of the effects of alcohol abuse or illness. 

This train of thought is very familiar to me for I used to tell my children after they’d witnessed their mother attack me, “Your mum’s not well, only she doesn’t realise it – we must all try and keep calm to help her.”

I have spoken to many people describing what I experienced.  Quite a few, from different backgrounds which included Mental Health professionals, all commented along similar lines, “Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD)”

The main way of diagnosing BPD is the matching of 5 out of 9 criteria.  Diagnosis, though, are hard to come by because treatment is often extremely difficult because of the way the patient’s anger control skills and interpersonal skills could manifest themselves.

My own personal research into Personality Disorders certainly gave me some answers for I could identify certain types of behaviour.   I saw behavioural patterns that were consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I also saw behavioural traits that matched another disorder known as Antisocial Personality Disorder ( also known as Dissocial personality disorder). 

Antisocial personality disorder,  borderline personality disorder, along with narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder, and are so closely related that they are referred to as the "antagonistic" cluster of personality disorders.  If antagonistic sounds too harsh, this group is often referred to as Emotive and Impulsive Cluster.

From my research, interviews with other DV victims and discussions with professionals, it is my belief that ALL perpetrators of Domestic Abuse, irrespectively of gender, have a personality disorder from this antagonistic cluster.

Let me briefly explain each type:

Dissocial [Antisocial] Personality Disorder F60.2 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Dissocial [antisocial] personality disorder is characterized by disregard for social obligations, and callous unconcern for the feelings of others. There is gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social norms. Behaviour is not readily modifiable by adverse experience, including punishment. There is a low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence; there is a tendency to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behaviour bringing the patient into conflict with society.

Borderline Personality Disorder F60.3 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable and capricious. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour, including suicide gestures and attempts.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder F60.8 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Narcissistic personality disorder is not classified as a specific personality disorder by the World Health Organization's ICD-10. In contrast, the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5 does classify this as a specific personality disorder; characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), interpersonally exploitative, envious of others, arrogant attitudes,  need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

Histrionic Personality Disorder F60.4 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by shallow and labile affectivity, self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions, suggestibility, egocentricity, self-indulgence, lack of consideration for others, easily hurt feelings, and continuous seeking for appreciation, excitement and attention.

Causes of personality disorders

The causes of personality disorders are not fully known. Possible causes include trauma in early childhood such as abuse, violence, inadequate parenting and neglect. Genetic  and neurological factors could also play a part in the onset of a personality disorder.

These findings are consistent with my own views for I believe that the actions of a domestic violence perpetrator stem from their own learnt behaviours of childhood.  If they have experienced some early life trauma and not received the necessary professional help, that ‘learnt’ behaviour has moulded their personality disorder.  I have written elsewhere about my own experience and my ex- wife’s background which hinted at some deep trauma which she has never divulged. 

At the start of the piece I drew attention to the contrasting attitudes towards gender-specific perpetrators…men abuse because they think themselves superior while women only abuse because they are ill ( and alcohol abuse is also viewed as an illness).  Actually, we need to destroy all the gender myths.  Domestic Violence is NOT Gender-specific.  Both men and women abuse and both men and women are victimised.  Substance abuse is now considered an illness, and perhaps we will only see great inroads into solving and minimising the occurrence of domestic abuse incidents when we accept that ‘prone to violence’ behaviour is also an illness and treat ALL perpetrators for personality disorders.  

Even More Gender-Biased approaches

There recently appeared in a national Christian magazine an article on Domestic Violence.    I was pleased to see this issue being raised however, I was rather concerned with way in which some statistical data was presented as it implied that all DV perpetrators are men and that very few men experience domestic abuse themselves.  I did challenge this with both the author and the magazine’s editor and presented the real evidence arguing that Domestic Violence is not a Gender-specified  crime.  The editor informed me that they would use my feedback.  To date as far as I’m aware, nothing has appeared.

Last week, my regional newspaper reported on a fund-raising event held by a local Domestic Violence charity.   This charity’s target audience is women and children only.  Their website pays a token acknowledge to male victims, but the main emphasis is offering services to women and children.  They offer ‘training’ too using the Freedom programme.  If you’re unsure what the Freedom programme consists of , this is the explanation of what you can except:

The Freedom Programme is for any woman who wishes to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse.

The aims of the Freedom Programme are:

 To help women understand the beliefs held by abusive men and in so doing, recognise which of these beliefs they have shared

 To illustrate the effects of domestic violence on children

 To assist women to recognise potential future abusers

To help women gain self-esteem and the confidence to improve the quality of their lives

To introduce women to community resources such as Women’s Aid, the Police Domestic Violence Unit, The Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre, local Colleges etc.

Hardly, a Gender-Neutral approach to Domestic Violence then!!!

What concerned me about the report was mention that this local charity is responsible for training 4,000 police and professionals a year in the Nottinghamshire area.  Being trained in such a biased manner can not be good for Domestic Violence prevention and restorative services.  I posted an online comment making such a point.  I also addressed my viewpoint to the Letters page, which strangely wasn’t published. 

I decided too, to take up this issue with the local Police Commissioner.  This is what I expressed:

Dear Mr *****,

I was deeply concerned to read that XXXXXXXXX  are responsible for training 4,000 police officers and professionals a year to spot and help prevent domestic abuse in 25th November 2013 edition of the XXXXXXXX.   XXXXXXXX  are a gender-specific charity and offer a biased approach to domestic abuse prevention.  Little wonder that the problem of domestic abuse is spiralling out of control when inappropriate training is being given.

Equation does not address the fact that 1 in 6 men will also experience domestic violence and that 60% of domestic violence incidents are mutual with the female partner being the greater aggressor.

Domestic violence is a complex issue and the training given should be more representative of a Gender-neutral approach. 

Yours sincerely,

I received the following reply:

One of my key objectives is to protect, support and respond to victims, witnesses and vulnerable people, without favour to either gender.

I do fully appreciate that domestic abuse is not confined to women being abused by male partners, although it is a fact that one in four women will be a victim of domestic abuse at some point in their lives. 

But no-one should be a victim of domestic abuse and we are all working with partners to both reduce reoffending and offer support to those at risk of this type of behaviour.

I subsequently replied:

It is also a fact that 1 in 6 men will be a victim of domestic abuse at some point in their lives and this is not being addressed because many of the agencies involved refuse to acknowledge this, casting men as batterers and women as victims.  There has been research available for the last 40 years to reinforce this truth.  I am in contact with leading global academic researchers (who all happen to be female) who are continuing fighting to improve DV services and get the message out that DV isn’t the gender issue its portrayed as being.  I'd love to help our county move away from the Patriarchy influence that inhibits its services and would be willing to discuss this at greater length with you and/or your team.  Best regards,

The next day, a news story broke where a famous female TV presenter was charged and received a police caution for common assault on her husband.  By accepting a police caution, one admits their guilt.  Strangely enough, the story has appeared in the media with little other comment.   This gave me one last chance to try and get the message across to the Police Comissioner:

Just to give credence to my last post, I'm sure that its not escaped your notice that XXXXXX. the TV presenter has just been charged with common assault against her husband.   I would restate that the work going on with your partners is gender-biased and far from the real picture.

Then today, I was greeted with more gender-biased coverage:

Services to help female victims of domestic violence are at "breaking point" because of "shocking gaps" in funding, Women's Aid has warned.

With a name like Women’s Aid, you expect them to be Gender-biased.  However, there are many including myself who believe that Domestic Violence services should never have been about gender but has highjacked by Misandrists who saw an opportunity to jump on the bandwagon  and receive uncontested funding for a whole range of services for women only.

My first reaction was well at least there are services for women and children in the first place.  Very little funding has ever been made available  for services for men. 

And then, the Statistics used to justify the services were given by Women’s Aid CEO,

Women's Aid chief executive Polly Neate said: "Specialist gender-specific domestic violence services are reaching a breaking point.

"Over 1.2 million women were estimated to have experienced domestic violence last year and two women a week are killed by perpetrators."

No mention of the 800,000 men experiencing domestic violence.  The estimation is also that one women every four days is killed, but this has evolved into two women a week.  Last thing I knew was that a week had  seven days, not eight days in it.  A slight distortion that no-one challenges.  One women every four days is still one too many..  No mention, mind you, of the one man every seventeen days killed by a partner either. 

Domestic Violence is not a Gender-Specific crime and should not be treated as such.  However, such biased shown often results with men feeling that they have nowhere to go to seek help.  Without any hope, alienated from family and children, many men end up taking their own lives.

The one gender-specific issue that is never addressed is suicide.  Very few woman commit suicide. Tragically, in the UK, the figures have been quite consistent over the last few years.   4,500 men take their own lives a year.  That equates to  375 men a month or 86 a week or , to break it down even further, 12 men a day kill themselves. 

And yet, very little is being done to change this shocking fact that is happening in our communities.