Men and boys aren’t encouraged to speak out or talk about
their problems or issues. As a man
speaking out, I have been described on numerous occasion as ‘being brave.’ To be honest, I don’t see myself as such
however I do feel strongly that injustices should be identified and
addressed. If we remain silent, how can
anything be done?
It is true, though, that some attempts by men/boys are met
with ridicule. In the past this would
also be true for women, but no one would dare to belittle the female gender.
Men haven’t been good at speaking out about the issues that
deeply affect and trouble them. This
may be because from an early age, we are conditioned to grin and bear it. Take for example, the way parents generally
deal with crying children:
Little Emily cries.” What’s wrong, dear?” Emily then has the opportunity to speak and be
heard.
Little John cries.
“Stop crying…Big boys don’t cry..”
Poor John then learns early in life that no-one really wants to listen
to him share his concerns. He then goes
through life being unable to speak out.
As a victim of Domestic Victim, I felt I couldn’t speak out
about what was happening to me because no body would believe me.
As a man, I also know that I don’t visit my Doctor as often
as I do. The few occasions when I have
made an appointment, my opening statement has either been, “Sorry to waste your
time, but my partner said I should see you about this,” or “It’s probably nothing but…”
It has been long established that men are less likely to
visit their Doctors and often by the time they receive a diagnosis, effective
treatment may no longer be available.
This is one contributory factor to why men on average die at a younger
age than women.
So today’s message is
Listen Up to anyone speaking out, they may be saying something worthwhile!
I got more reaction from my last blog than any other. I was told it was offensive. I was accused of making Domestic Violence gender-specific
when it isn’t. I was called sexist and a
narcissist. All my attackers were
female.
I found the charge of making Domestic Violence
gender-specific quite ironic because regular readers will know that I find all
violence abhorrent and I often state that there is never any excuse for any
form of abuse, irrespective of gender.
What I do campaign about and highlight through this blog (and my own
personal story) is the inequality and
the gender-bias way in which Domestic abuse is viewed by society. The way in which it is reported suggests that
men are always the aggressors and women the victims. The truth, however, is different and that is
what I try to show. Men and Women can be
Domestic Violence perpetrators and both genders can also be victims. It is not a Gender issue, but was made one by
the women’s movement (who continue to perpetuate this myth) and too many people
are either too miss-informed or afraid to challenge this misperception.
Blogging is about sharing your story and opinion. Our opinions are often influenced by our own
personal experiences. If you choose to
read my blog, I thank you sincerely. You
may agree with what I write. You might
disagree and have a different opinion.
You also have complete freedom to express whatever opinion you hold. I
respect that and dialogue is always good in sharing different viewpoints. Where I draw the line is when it becomes
personal. No-body has the right to
insult another person. I may not agree,
but I can accept another’s opinion. What
is unacceptable is personal attacks because someone has a different view or
opinion. Hang on a minute, isn’t that
how all conflicts and wars begin?
So what caused such controversy? I happened to post about a local young woman
who made AND admitted to making false domestic violence allegations against her
male ex-partner. Such a story couldn’t
be refuted as it was there in black and white.
What caused such offence was my comment that the leniency shown by the
Judge wouldn’t have been the same had the wrongdoer been male. How could I suggest such a thing?
Making like for like comparisons in case is never easy, but several
different stories appeared on my news feed today.
·2 young women launch an unprovoked attack on a
77 year old blind male bus passenger.
So
I caused offence when suggesting that women are possible of making false accusations and yet
another example in reported. My comments
about judgement leniency caused outrage and yet, it is reported, judges have
been instructed to make such rulings.
Trying
to find a like for like case, the
closest I could find was a 78 year old Asian lady attacked by a 31 year old
male.
The
31-year-old was arrested on suspicion of racially aggravated criminal damage,
racially aggravated common assault and racially aggravated intentional
harassment. I couldn’t find the
outcome of sentencing, but if this man was found guilty I doubt he would have
been given a paltry two months suspender prison sentence. He would have had the book thrown at him and
rightly so. And just to re-address the balance, I can’t find any examples of
men being arrested after making false domestic violence allegations.
All
abuse and violence is wrong. Those found
guilty of such crimes should be punished equally. Part of the punishment for incarcerated men is
separation from family especially their children. They are told that they should have thought
about the impact on their children before they committed whatever the offence
may have been. Surely, the same
incentive should be used in trying to deter women from committing crime
too? Instead, because they do have
children they hope for leniency and a lighter sentence. If you do the crime, you should be prepared
to do the time.
At a recent family gathering, I was asked what my views were
concerning Karma. It seemed a little
strange as an opening gambit from a relative who I only tend to see at family
occasions. However, I’ve often posted
about my spiritual journey which has taken me from being a Christian church
minister to flirting with Atheism. So I guess, it wasn’t that strange a question after all. I had certainly been reflecting on my own
beliefs and the origins of personal belief.
My initial response was to say that “it’s probably easier to say what I
don’t believe, rather than what I do believe.”
I don’t believe in the concepts of eternal/everlasting or
indeed previous lives now. The only
thing we know with any certainty is that we are living this life now. There is no factual evidence for anything
before or after. I know that some people
claim to have had near-death experiences that equate to their own particular
belief of what happens next, and there are those who under a form of hypnosis
called past-life regression. My own
take on these ‘experiences’ is that the person’s own belief system has already
influenced that person’s mind, so your sub conscious tells you what you want to
hear.
Similarly, well-meaning Christians have tried to convince me
of the errors of my ways in turning my back on their faith by employing Pascal’s Wager. Pascal's Wager is an argument in philosophy
which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician,
and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with
their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God
actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief
or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a
rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If
God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss. In other words, you have nothing to infinite
loss, but everything to gain by believing in a God. If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, you
lose nothing. It’s a hedge your bets argument. Strange when most Christians/church teaching
is opposed to Gambling, they ask you to ‘bet on the existence of god.’
As for Karma I can’t hold the view that my existence in a
previous life, affects my current position now.
I have made conscious decisions and then had to live with the
consequences of those decisions, many positive and some negative. Nothing from an unknown past has influenced
those decisions.
However, there is a different type of Karma that we all
often refer too. Phrase like “What goes round
comes round,” and “they’ll get what coming to them” has entered our vocabulary. When
someone hurts us or commits an injustice against us and isn’t punished, we use
the afore-mentioned statements hoping that everything balances out, that the
pain we have felt will soon be inflicted on the person that hurt us. Does it happen? It would be nice and rather comforting to
think that it does, but in all reality it probably doesn’t. My abuser has never accepted any responsibility
for her actions and has failed to grasp the impact and consequences of her
violent actions have had on me or our children.
While I hoped that natural karma would happen, so far it hasn’t. She carried on living her live oblivious to
the destruction she’s caused. For me, I
had to let go of wanting such karma to happen and move on with my life. While I was anxious for my abuser to receive
retribution for her crimes against me, the angst it caused me was a way of
still allowing her to abuse me. I
guess I don’t believe in any form of Karma either.
All that matters to me is the here and now and what I make
of it.
It’s taken me awhile to write this as I became quite
despondent about the Domestic Violence Support Service providers. Previous posts had expressed a hope that
there was a sea of change, that the policy makers were beginning to recognise
that Domestic Violence is NOT a Gender-specific crime, but a crime perpetrated
by males and females with members of both genders also victims.
Local councils could help to affect change but I have now
learnt that our elected representatives may try and introduce new policies, but
their successful implementation depend on the local authorities’ paid staff who
may also have their own agenda.
Sometime ago, I met with my local council and received
assurances that, following our meeting, they would be more gender-inclusive in
their support services. My optimism was
further fuelled when my local newspaper approached me for my opinion when
they’d received word that my local council would be creating a job that would be
reaching out to male victims of domestic violence.
So what happened?
For a long time, the job wasn’t advertised anywhere. I contacted the chairman of the council to
ask why and he informed me that the role would be an internal appointment. He also kindly said that should no internal
candidate be found, then the job vacancy would be opened up to all. If that happened, he would let me know and
true to his word, a month later he did just that.
I applied, but this is not the rant of someone who missed
out. I was disappointed I admit not
even to be called for an interview.
When the selection period had passed me by, I contacted the council and
asked for feedback as to why my application wasn’t considered.
I heard….nothing.
It took me several requests and five months later, I finally received
the feedback I’d asked for. In fact, by
this time, I’d learnt that the job had gone to a long-term council employee
with many years in administration but no experience of Domestic Violence. My requests to the Human Resources
Department for feedback where constantly ignored. It was only when I contacted the councillor who I originally met
that the paid staff sprang into action.
Within half an hour of speaking to my contact, I’d got a response at
last.
As ‘including men’ had been a key part of the advertised job
specification, I also asked how this was being developed. Of course, I didn’t get any straight
answers. The Feedback received was the
standardised . We received applications from many highly-qualified candidates
who unfortunately did not meet the internal criteria set by the council.’
As for services for men,
‘We are networking with all stakeholders to provide best service.’ Seeing no men’s group or support services
existed in the group of stakeholders, forget it – it’s a case of same old, same
old.
There are many fields where the male gender is
underrepresented, but everyone is afraid to acknowledge this. Industries that are male-dominated are
frowned upon and we often hear of political parties having female-only
shortlists in order to produce another female MP for that constituency. I believe that balance is best in all fields
as men and women have separate natural skills and giftings with both sets
required for well-being.
Good male role-models are required but where do you find them? Not in schools, where the majority of staff
are female. In this fatherless age,
imagine the societal impact if there were more positive male role-models in our
schools. The care industry is
predominantly female. There is a need
for more male workers, it is not healthy for service users.
The same goes for the counselling industry. More balance needs to be found. I have been training as a counsellor. I ended up being the only man in the
classroom. On a couple of occasions, I
was absent. On my return, one of my
peers said to me, “I’m glad you’re here today.
The class is always a lot calmer when you’re here.”
There may be areas
that require more female staff, but the same is true but never spoken about for
men. It’s all about Gender Balance.
For years while I endured sustained assaults and suffered
Domestic Abuse, I made excuses for my perpetrator. My attacker has never shown any remorse for
her actions or even acknowledged the impact it has had on me and our
children. It’s over 4 years since I
escaped from the relationship and I’ve been able to move forward, but I still
try and seek understanding as to why my ex behaved in the manner she did.
Most of the data sources will tell you that Domestic
Violence perpetrators are narcissistic and taking full advantage of male privilege. However, when pointed out that women can also
behave in a violent manner towards their intimate partners, denial can no
longer be used that this actually happens because it’s now accepted as possible. Mind you, if a woman is a
perpetrator of Domestic abuse, it is because of the effects of alcohol abuse or
illness.
This train of thought is very familiar to me for I used to
tell my children after they’d witnessed their mother attack me, “Your mum’s not
well, only she doesn’t realise it – we must all try and keep calm to help her.”
I have spoken to many people describing what I
experienced. Quite a few, from different
backgrounds which included Mental Health professionals, all commented along
similar lines, “Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD)”
The main way of diagnosing BPD is the matching of 5 out of 9
criteria. Diagnosis, though, are hard to
come by because treatment is often extremely difficult because of the way the patient’s
anger control skills and interpersonal skills could manifest themselves.
My own personal research into Personality Disorders
certainly gave me some answers for I could identify certain types of
behaviour. I saw behavioural patterns
that were consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder. I also saw behavioural traits that matched
another disorder known as Antisocial Personality Disorder ( also known as
Dissocial personality disorder).
Antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, along with narcissistic
personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder, and are so closely
related that they are referred to as the "antagonistic" cluster of
personality disorders. If antagonistic
sounds too harsh, this group is often referred to as Emotive and Impulsive
Cluster.
From my research, interviews with other DV victims and discussions
with professionals, it is my belief that ALL perpetrators of Domestic Abuse,
irrespectively of gender, have a personality disorder from this antagonistic
cluster.
Let me briefly explain each type:
Dissocial [Antisocial]
Personality Disorder F60.2 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Dissocial [antisocial] personality disorder is characterized
by disregard for social obligations, and callous unconcern for the feelings of
others. There is gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social
norms. Behaviour is not readily modifiable by adverse experience, including
punishment. There is a low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for
discharge of aggression, including violence; there is a tendency to blame
others, or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behaviour bringing the
patient into conflict with society.
Borderline Personality
Disorder F60.3 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a
definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the
consequences; the mood is unpredictable and capricious. There is a liability to
outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions.
There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others,
especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or censored. Two types may be
distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional
instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized
in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by
chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal
relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour, including
suicide gestures and attempts.
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder F60.8 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Narcissistic personality disorder is not classified as a
specific personality disorder by the World Health Organization's ICD-10. In
contrast, the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5 does classify this as a
specific personality disorder; characterized by a pervasive pattern of
grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), interpersonally exploitative, envious of
others, arrogant attitudes, need for
admiration, and lack of empathy.
Histrionic Personality
Disorder F60.4 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by shallow
and labile affectivity, self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated
expression of emotions, suggestibility, egocentricity, self-indulgence, lack of
consideration for others, easily hurt feelings, and continuous seeking for
appreciation, excitement and attention.
Causes of personality
disorders
The causes of personality disorders are not fully known.
Possible causes include trauma in early childhood such as abuse, violence,
inadequate parenting and neglect. Genetic and neurological factors could also play a
part in the onset of a personality disorder.
These findings are consistent with my own views for I
believe that the actions of a domestic violence perpetrator stem from their own
learnt behaviours of childhood. If they
have experienced some early life trauma and not received the necessary
professional help, that ‘learnt’ behaviour has moulded their personality
disorder. I have written elsewhere about
my own experience and my ex- wife’s background which hinted at some deep trauma
which she has never divulged.
At the start of the piece I drew attention to the
contrasting attitudes towards gender-specific perpetrators…men abuse because
they think themselves superior while women only abuse because they are ill (
and alcohol abuse is also viewed as an illness). Actually, we need to destroy all the gender
myths. Domestic Violence is NOT Gender-specific. Both men and women abuse and both men and
women are victimised. Substance abuse is
now considered an illness, and perhaps we will only see great inroads into
solving and minimising the occurrence of domestic abuse incidents when we
accept that ‘prone to violence’ behaviour is also an illness and treat ALL perpetrators
for personality disorders.
It was a real privilege to be asked to speak at the recent Male Victim Event Day organised by the University of Central Lancashire (Preston, UK) and I was thrilled to be included alongside people who are making a real global difference in changing public perception about Domestic Violence.”
The keynote speaker was Dr Denise Hines of Clark University, Massachusetts. Dr Hines is the Principal Investigator on a series of studies investigating the physical and mental health of men who sustain partner violence from their female partners and seek help. The most recent of these studies also investigates the mental and physical health of child witnesses and is being supported by a grant from the National Institute on Child Health and Human Development (USA). About two years ago, I discovered the work of Dr. Hines, emailed her and she kindly put me in touch with some UK academics who were involved with her in an international research project. It was though the follow-up contact with Dr Louise Dixon and Dr. Niki Graham-Kevan that I was invited to speak.
Another speaker was Ian McNicholl whose ex-girlfriend was imprisoned for seven years for grievous bodily harm for the injuries she inflicted on Mr McNicholl. Ian McNicholl was involved in the development of the Coronation Street storyline featuring Tyrone Dobbs and gave the soap a great insight into male victims of domestic violence. Again, the Coronation Street storyline has brought great help to many people and I was honoured to stand alongside both Dr Hines and Ian McNicholl.
Also on the schedule of speakers were: Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services) and Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland)
Attached Photograph. L-R Ian Young, Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services), Dr Niki Graham-Kevan ( Reader, University of Central Lancashire), Ian McNicholl (ManKind Initiative Patron), Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland) and Dr Denise Hines.
This is a transcription of my speech
I’m a survivor of female
perpetrated Domestic Abuse which has severely impacted me and my children. It took place during the course of my
marriage which lasted 17 years. Today
would have been my 21st wedding anniversary. While it was happening, I felt that I had
nowhere to turn nor could I speak to anyone about it. I felt so alone. It affected every area of my well-being. When I finally was able to come out of the
marriage, it was at great personal cost.
As part of my own healing, I began writing and blogging about my
experience and was overwhelmed by others contacting me to say that they were in
similar situations and felt so isolated.
This motivated me to campaign to raise greater awareness about Domestic
Violence and how it affects men in particular.
How the abuse started
1992 was a momentous year for me. I got ordained as a church minister and six
months after ordination, I got married.
Just before our wedding, my ex-wifes mother died, Her
Father had died when she was 7.
She never spoke about her childhood.
There were a few things she told me that were lies, and had I known that
then, it might have changed the course
of our relationship. However, I was in an environment where you believed or
wanted to believe everything was true.
I saw no worrying
behavioural traits when we were courting, but once we married things
changed. The first strange thing I
remember was an over-reaction to me pouring a glass of cola. I hadn’t rinsed the glass properly, and soap
suds were still in the glass causing the cola to fizz up uncontrollable. She started shouting uncontrollably at me,
calling me names and all sorts. I
remember thinking , what’s your problem its only a drink. On its own, that probably sounds silly but
other patterns started to emerge. Prior to going into the ministry, I worked
in the city of London in the banking sector and the one luxury I allowed myself
was having an expensive aftershave collection.
One day, without any provocation,
she poured all my aftershaves down the sink. She also began smashing ornaments of
sentiment value and something that she would repeat for years, she would pour
cups of hot drinks I made over me and would
smash a dinner plate (with the dinner still on it ) over my head.
The excuses I made
My ex-wife wouldn’t seek any sort of help. She wouldn’t even take a headache pill. I’m not sure whether she even recognised she
had a problem. In my mind, I made
excuses for her. I told myself that she
was grieving and this was her way of coping.
I didn’t recognise what was happening to me as Domestic Abuse. I equated it with the ‘worst’ part of the
‘for better for worst, in sickness and in health’ wedding vows I made. And then the children arrived, our first
daughter was born in 1995, our second daughter in 1997 and our son in
1999. Her violent behaviour continued
towards me. As well as making excuses
about the bereavement, I added Post natal depression to my rationale . In 2000, my ex-wife only sister died quite
suddenly and this left her with no immediate family. Around this period of time, I recall
overhearing my bishop ( who was the person I should to with any problems)
joking with a colleague about another couple where the wife was quite a
dominant character and the husband appeared hen-packed. Again, I remember thinking ‘There’s no way I
can come to you and speak about the abuse I was experiencing because you
clearly have no understanding and would treat it as a joke.’ Around this time, was the only time my
ex-wife inflicted me injuries that were
visible. I can’t remember the how, but
I ended up with 2 long scratch marks on my face where the skin had been
broken. People probably knew that that’s
what they were but no-one said anything.
I was asked what had happened, and I told people that I’d walked into a
rose bush. I also learnt that while my
ex-wife was in an aggressive mood, there was nothing I could do that would
placate it. I never once
retaliated. In the early days, I would
try and argue back but this just further ignited her anger. And so, I just absorbed it and waited until
her anger had burnt out. Once it did and
she was calm, I would try and challenge her behaviour saying that it was
completely unreasonable. I always got
one of two responses: either denial to
what had just happen or she’d say, “you’re a man, you can cope with it.” The children witnessed much of this, and
afterwards I would also say to the children, “Your mum’s not well, but she
doesn’t realise how ill she is, we all just have to try harder to help her.”
Why did I stay
So why did I stay?
First of all, I took my marriage vows seriously. I was in a culture where divorce was frowned
upon and it would also become hard for
me to remain a minister as a divorcee. At
that point in time, the church was my life’s vocation. And then the children arrived. The thought of being separated from my
children was my biggest fear . My
ex-wife never showed any physical aggression towards the children, although she
was very verbally aggressive toward our eldest daughter in particular. While I was there, I felt that I was also
protecting the children. I felt I could
leave. No one would help me even if I
said that I was a victim of DV. I was unaware
of any refuges for men – I was even unaware that men could be victims of DV,
how could I explain that to anyone. I
also had nowhere to go nor any means of starting again. My salary as a church minister wasn’t great
and the house I lived in belonged to the church. She also wanted a lifestyle that we couldn’t
really afford. But appeasing her and
trying to avoid anything that might lead to an explosion was all I was bothered about. And so, to that end, I over claimed on my
expenses from the church to pay for the treats she wanted.
The realisation
In 2009, I was reaching breaking point and I started keeping
a journal of the abuse I was experiencing.
As well as the current stuff, I wrote down the abuse that I could
remember. It shocked me as I read it
back as I realised that there was a lot of stuff that had occurred that I’d
forgotten. It also hit me that my
account sounded so horrific it was hard to believe, and yet it was my
reality. I’d run out of making excuses and
was in a poor state, mentally , physically and emotionally. There was also an incident with my son who
was then 9 years old that helped me realise I was kidding myself. There been another violent episode during the week where two dinner plates (containing
fish and chips) had been smashed over my head .
This happened in front of the children.
On the Sunday, after our meal, I was in the Kitchen washing the dishes
and my son brought his plate through and then proceeded to throw his left-overs
at me. While I never reacted to my
ex-wife doing this, I did to my son shouting at him and telling him off. There was a look of total confusion on his
face and it dawned on me that he was copying his mother’s behaviour thinking
that it was acceptable behaviour. Was I
really protecting my children? My
ex-wife started another type of episode around this time. One day , we were sitting watching TV, and
she just announced , I don’t want you here anymore. ‘ She turned violent
towards me and my safest option was to
retreat and sit in my car. She won’t let
me back in the house. So eventually, I
drove to my parents’ house who now only lived 4 miles away. It was the first time I acknowledged that
things were bad although I didn’t tell them everything. They tried to persuade me to stay the night
at theirs. I felt I couldn’t so I went
back home but my ex wouldn’t let me back in the house. I returned to my parents. The next day , I returned home.. “you’re back
then” she said and then behaved as if nothing had happened. Three months later, she acted in a similar
manner, but this time she also threw my clothes and personal belongings out of
the front door. I think she believed
that I would return the following day and we would all pretend that it had
never happened. I didn’t. This time, I knew I just couldn’t go back.
The aftermath
I went to my parents.
This time I showed them my journal.
They were horrified, I ended
up sleeping on their sofa for 6-7
weeks. I tried to stay working as a
minister. Despite being presented with
evidence of DV, they wanted to sweep it all under the carpet. I still have a letter where senior leadership
‘strongly urged me to return to the family home and resolve the difficult
issues in our marriage.’ Eventually, my
own financial malpractice came to light – I held my hands up, resigned as a
minister and paid the church back the money they claimed was missing. They still took legal action and I ended up
receiving a police caution which tends to deter prospective employers from
taking me on. The children’s well-being
was my only concern now. I found a house
to rent nearby their school. My 3
children had had enough to cope with so I didn’t want to put any additional
pressure on them. My two daughters
needed to escape and came and live with me.
My son stayed with his mum. I
think he feels guilty about everyone else leaving . I do worry about the ongoing impact on him,
all I can do is to try and be there.
Being a victim of DV resulted in me losing my life’s
vocation, my home, many of former friends. The one thing I fought not to lose
was my children. They are all I was left
with. Now, my life’s vocation is
speaking out and trying to raise better awareness about DV and the impact it
has on us men and our children.
I commenced writing this blog when I lost my last job. My dismissal came about because I received a
police caution and I declared this caution at work. Although the crime was not connected, or as
far as I was concerned, bore any relation to the work I was doing, I felt the
decision was harsh. My conduct was
deemed inappropriate despite the fact that there had been no issues with my
conduct prior to my declaration.
I shared with my then employers, my whole back story and
the context in which I gained the caution believing/hoping that they would
understand.
They didn’t.
Since then, I’ve been searching furiously for work. I can get plenty of volunteer roles. People seem to want to make full use of my
skills, talents and experience for free.
However, when it comes to paid work, no-one wants to take a gamble on
me.
Most application forms ask for a declaration of criminal convictions. Some also ask for warnings/cautions etc as
well. I’m not totally convinced whether
prospective employers actually appreciate the difference between a conviction
and a caution either. If I get to an
interview and there’s possibility that
my caution will be revealed in post-interview checks, I volunteer the
information to the interview panel.
Usually on the forms, there’s a disclaimer stating that
your conviction/caution will not be a factor in my potential recruitment. When I’ve declared it to an interviewer, I’ve
always been thanked for my honesty and told that my application will be judged
on its merits and my caution will not influence the overcome.
However, I tend to receive the following feedback:
“We liked you as a person, you gave a strong interview
BUT because of your caution we don’t want to take a chance.”
When I reveal my caution to prospective employers, I also
tell them the context in which I received it and this has led me to question
myself whether they really believe my testimony.
There I am, a big burly chap sitting in front of them,
telling them that I was a victim of Domestic Violence and my caution was result
of my befuddled attempts to try and minimise the conflict at home. Do they really believe that men can be victims and affected by Domestic Abuse? I fear they don't.
The reality is that I know that , without any blemish on
my record, I would walk into the
vacancies I’m applying for without any problem.
Prior to receiving the caution, I was offered every job
that I’d been called to be interviewed for.
Post caution, nothing.
All I can do is stay positive, keep knocking on doors and
believe that very soon someone will take a chance on employing me.
This third part has been the hardest to write as it features
my third and youngest child. This child
has some mild learning difficulties and sometimes exhibits challenging
behaviour. There has been a delay on
early stage of his early growth development.
His behaviour and attitudes are sometimes reminiscence of symptoms of
Asperger’s Syndrome and Autism. Despite this and numerous medical
examinations since birth, no clear diagnosis has ever been given. His gait and posture is very infantile and he
displays frustration which quickly turns into vented anger when things don’t go
right for him. School has always been a
struggle for him.
His problems were one of the key factors that kept me in the
abusive marriage for many years. I
believed that my leaving would cause him further and greater damage and would
severely affect his well-being.
A huge turning point for me was when he mirrored one of his mother’s
attacks on me. A couple of days prior to
this episode, his mother had turned violent, first of all she was verbally
threatening. When I didn’t respond, she
deliberated overturned her dinner plate over my head so that the food cascaded
down me and then smashed the plate on my head.
I had learnt that no response could calm her so I just sat there and
absorbed it without making any response.
Because this action hadn’t provoked me into retaliation of any
description, she then grabbed my dinner plate and threw that over me too. She then stormed out the house and I started
to clear the mess up.
A few days after this,
I’d cook and served dinner for all the family and was in the kitchen
washing the dishes. My son, who was 10
years old at this stage, brought his plate out and threw the remains over
me. I was cross with him and shouted at
him, he was visibly upset and had a look of shock on his face.
I realised that he thought his actions were ‘normal’ and
okay because he’d seen his mother do similar just days before. It also dawned on me that my staying in that
abusive environment and absorbing such violence wasn’t protecting the children
from the impact of domestic violence after all.
Shortly after this, during another violent assault, I chose
not to return to the marital home. It
broke my heart to leaving all three children behind.
My son had always been close to the middle child who was
like a second mother to him. He’d
started playschool while she was still there and she took the parental
instruction of “Look after your brother for us” seriously.
This relationship seemed to change once the eldest child
came to live with me, and my second daughter has written in this blog about the
events that led her to coming to live with me.
Part of that was her own brother attacking her.
This is the situation that worries me most and I feel
helpless about. My son still lives with
his mother. He stays with me every other
weekend. I know he feels a loyalty to
his mother as he’s seen me and his two sisters leave, so he feels he can’t abandon
his mother and cant come and live with me.
For the most part, he is a delightful young man. When he stays with me, he never hits
out. There are occasions when he sulks, but
either I or his siblings are able to bring him out of the mood before he get
angry and violent. However, I do worry
about the time he’s not in my care.
There have been a couple of episodes at school when his
frustrations have boiled over. The
school have been very good in managing him and have realised that the majority
of the time, others have been provoking him to try and elicit a reaction.
I see in him similar behaviour to his mother. I’ve tried talking to her about this for I’ve
questioned whether this is something genetic or learnt. When he stays with me, I always try to encourage
him to talk. He will talk on any subject
that he’s interested in but won’t talk about his feelings or emotional state.
Interesting, when he was staying with me, one of his sisters
intercepted a facebook conversation with a school colleague where he was
telling this other person that he was saw the Doctor every week for
depression. I shared this with his
mother, but when I asked my son why he
felt he needed to tell someone this fabrication (although of course I didn’t phrase
it like that) he won’t talk about it. To
me, however, it was rather insightful because I think he recognises that he
needs to talk to someone.
Recently, his school contacted me again because they are
concerned about some of his challenging behaviour. There had been bullying in the past, so they
do take things seriously. My son had
complained to a teacher that he was being attacked and his descriptions were
quite vivid. However, they had been
watching closely and had seen nothing untoward taking place. When I spoke to my son about this he was adamant
it was happening. When I questioned it,
he got very aggressive and challenged whether I believed him or not. This tactic, I know, would stop his mother
from seeking more information. However,
I persevered and eventually he admitted that he’d make the whole thing up
and told school that. He was then
remorseful and contrite.
He needs some help but won’t talk to anyone. I have tried to involve other agencies. When his second sister left, I called social
services and child protection because I was concerned. They did a quick onsite assessment, but
because they deemed him not at any physical risk from his mother, they closed
the case. No-one wants to assess the
emotional or mental risk.
The only thing that gives me hope is that he’s fine when
triggers aren’t breached, although he won’t recognise triggers or the impact of
his behaviour. He does display some of
the aggressive traits of his mother, although the one area where they differ is
that afterwards, he is remorseful and recognises his wrong doing. I only hope that as he grows older, he’s able
to talk through the things and emotions that he’s obviously bottling up. I just wish the help was offered and provided
that I believe he needs.
Elsewhere I already described my middle child as very
similar to me in temperament and very placid.
I didn’t really notice the impact on her while I was still living in the
family home although it affected her like everyone else. The eldest child was always being criticised
by her mother and was constantly verbally assaulted. The youngest child had similar behavioural
issues to his mother. I guess the middle
child felt caught in the middle and tried to make the best of a bad situation.
It was when I had been relocated in a house several miles
away from the children that I saw how witnessing Domestic Violence had affected
her.
This child had an exceptional school attendance record never
missing a day from school. She started
developing headaches and cramps that were affecting her school attendance.
All three children had stayed with me for the weekend and we
had a good happy time together. A few
days later I called unannounced at the children’s home to drop something off to
them. I was shocked at the change in the
physical appearance of my middle child.
How she could change so drastically in just a few days deeply concerned
me.
I also knew that she couldn’t talk
to me when I telephoned them for I knew that their mother was always standing
by them and listening to the call when I phoned. When the children were being very guarded and
mono-syllable in their responses I knew that their mother was close by. The children would confirm this for me. Disturbed by the poor health of my daughter I
managed to communicate by Facebook. We
had the following text conversation which I share with her permission:
Hi ,
I'm worried about you and want you to know that you can talk to me at anytime.
I realise it may be hard when XXXXXXX and xxxxxxxxx are around, or when your
Mum is listening over the phone. It does concern me that you seem to cope ok
when you are with me at the weekend, but looked so ill yesterday. Anything you
type won't go any further, and it may help if you feel you have to bottle
things up to protect every one.
Love you lots
Dad xx
oI
think I am just stressed out, I enjoy things more with you but at mums house It
just stresses me out. I really want to live with you. love you two xx
·
oI'd
love to have you all here all the time - the only thing that worrries me about
that is the upheaval of changing school.
Love you xx
·
oyeah
I know :/,
how far Is xxxxxxxxx to xxxxxxxxxx?
·
o13
miles...20-30 minutes by car - we could work something out. Does your mum know
you're stressed?
·
ono
she doesn't
·
oit
might help if you can say that to the doctor's without your mum knowing -- does
mum leave you alone with the doctor?
·
onope
she sits there with me, I could tell student reception maybe?
·
oit
would probably help you if you could talk to someone other than me or mum,
ideally perhaps asking to see the doctor alone?
·
oyou
know what shes like, she won't let me talk to the doctor alone
·
ohow
does student reception work?
·
owell
miss xxxxx says I can talk to her anytime about anything
·
oit
might be a good idea to talk to her as soon as you can. The only thing i don't
want to happen is for your schooling to be affected
·
oI
will talk to her tomorrow
·
oTell
her she can contact me anytime. I want the best for you all
·
oOk
I will, I know you do but it won't help my school work at all if I'm stressed
all the time
·
oSomeone
(whether me or the school) needs to tell your mum she's stressing you out and
it's affecting your schoolwork..
Perhaps it might help you to think of all the different ways in which she's
stressing you out and list them
·
oIts
everything really, but recently it been the fact that she thinks I was skiving
and I can't believe she would think that little of me, you know that I am not
the type of person to miss school, so she obviously don't know me as well as I
thought
·
oIt
breaks my heart xxxxxx, we have three amazing children and I'm so proud of all
you and how you're coped with everything. I didn't want to leave when I did,
but was given no choice. You need to say all this to Miss xxxxxxxx and whatever
happens, I'm always here for you. If it means moving in with me, we will work
it out so that school is unaffected.
I will speak to your Mum if you want me too, but she may just think I'm trying
to cause trouble so it may be best from school..You know how she re-acted when i
tried to speak to her about xxxxxxxx
·
ono
its probably best if you don't tell her, I know you didn't want to leave but I
know you had to, If I move in with you then I will maybe just have to wake up a
bit earlier, That is the thing I love school (sounds weird) but its the best school
I have been to, you can guess that from my levels and stuff, I am going to tell
miss xxxxxx tomorrow and I will tell you how it goes around this time
·
oI
don't want you to leave that school either...if you end up living here, I'll make
sure you still get to school..
I love you so much, I think you're totally amazing and I'm really proud of you.
xxxx
·
othanks
I love you too,
I'm going now so I will tell you what happens tomorrow
bye xx
·
oBye
and be brave
Love you xxx
·
hi,
I tried to tell miss xxxxxx that I am stressed but she said I need a letter
from my parents for some reason, so do you think you can write one and give it
to me at the weekend on the quiet?
xx
·
oHi
xxxxxx Of course I can
Love you lots xxxx
ohi
xxxxxxx Missing you. School phoned me today, really glad you're able to talk to
them. I love you lots and will always be here for you. I'm really proud of you,
you are an exceptional young lady.
Keep smiling,
oyeah
did they tell you what they said to me;
they said they were going to phone you,
email my teachers so they can keep an eye on me,
contact the school nurse about my stomach pains and,
a school counselor is in for one day so they put me on the list so I can talk
to her,
I was waiting for ages for the lady to come and talk to me but the only reason
she did on Friday was because my friend xxxxxxxx went to her without me knowing
and ask if she could come to me straight away because she could tell I needed
to talk to someone, and that was nice of her, I am really lucky to have friends
like her :)
It wasn’t too long
after this that I left the church ministry, found a house near the school. The eldest child came to live with me as
described in part one of this blog. A
month later, my middle child telephoned me from a friend’s house
distressed. She’d reached breaking
point and couldn’t cope with her home life anymore. She’d made the excuse of going to see her
friend. Once she reached that safe
haven, she’d decided that she couldn’t return.
I went to collect her
and asked her if her mother knew where she was. She said no so I said I’d telephone her
mother to let her know where she was and that she was safe.
I made the call and
said that I’d been asked to collect our middle child from her friend’s house as
she was extremely distressed and upset.
Her mother said that they had had an argument. I informed my ex-wife that our daughter was
determined that she didn’t want to return there. I then suggested that the best course of
action would be to let our daughter stay with me overnight and then review the
situation in the morning when tempers had subsided.
My ex-wife seemed to agree to this approach,
however just before midnight she telephoned me, asking me what was happening
and when I said that we had agreed that our daughter was safer staying the
night with me, she launched into an abusive tirade accusing me of kidnap and
issuing all manner of threats against me.
I hung up the telephone because I didn’t need to listen to such rubbish
and everything that could have been said rationally had been. My daughter was safe and had made her choice,
her mother knew where she was and there was nothing else that could be done at
this point.
Since moving in with
me, this daughter has not experienced any more health issues and has excelled
at school keeping minimum contact with her mother.
