Apply with Caution - Adventures in Job seeking

I commenced writing this blog  when I lost my last job.  My dismissal came about because I received a police caution and I declared this caution at work.  Although the crime was not connected, or as far as I was concerned, bore any relation to the work I was doing, I felt the decision was harsh.  My conduct was deemed inappropriate despite the fact that there had been no issues with my conduct prior to my declaration.

I shared with my then employers, my whole back story and the context in which I gained the caution believing/hoping that they would understand.

They didn’t.

Since then, I’ve been searching furiously for work.  I can get plenty of volunteer roles.  People seem to want to make full use of my skills, talents and experience for free.  However, when it comes to paid work, no-one wants to take a gamble on me.

Most application forms ask for a declaration of criminal convictions.  Some also ask for warnings/cautions etc as well.  I’m not totally convinced whether prospective employers actually appreciate the difference between a conviction and a caution either.  If I get to an interview and  there’s possibility that my caution will be revealed in post-interview checks, I volunteer the information to the interview panel.

Usually on the forms, there’s a disclaimer stating that your conviction/caution will not be a factor in my potential recruitment.  When I’ve declared it to an interviewer, I’ve always been thanked for my honesty and told that my application will be judged on its merits and my caution will not influence the overcome.

However, I tend to receive the following feedback:

“We liked you as a person, you gave a strong interview BUT because of your caution we don’t want to take a chance.”

When I reveal my caution to prospective employers, I also tell them the context in which I received it and this has led me to question myself whether they really believe my testimony.

There I am, a big burly chap sitting in front of them, telling them that I was a victim of Domestic Violence and my caution was result of my befuddled attempts to try and minimise the conflict at home.    Do they really believe that men can be victims and affected by Domestic Abuse?  I fear they don't.

The reality is that I know that , without any blemish on my record, I would walk into  the vacancies I’m applying for without any problem.

Prior to receiving the caution, I was offered every job that I’d been called to be interviewed for.  Post caution, nothing.

All I can do is stay positive, keep knocking on doors and believe that very soon someone will take a chance on employing me.

The impact of a Father leaving his children. Part 1

I didn’t know where I would live.  At this point, I was sleeping on my parent’s sofa.  I was extremely concerned about the safety and well-being of my children.  Although their mother had never been physically aggressive to them, my counsellor pointed out to me that they were now at risk because I wasn’t there to absorb the attacks of my ex-wife.  She was so concerned about their safety and well-being that she wrote to the church leadership expressing her professional concerns.   The church ignored the letter because they saw no risk. 

The church eventually offered me a house which they were about to sell to live in.  My ex-wife and myself were given 3 months compassion leave to try and reconcile the marriage.  This meant that with a roof over my head, the children could stay with me at weekends. 

The next school holiday came and I had the children stay with me over the first weekend of the recess.  The oldest child was very distressed and didn’t want to return back to her mother.  She felt that her mother had been picking on her unfairly and couldn’t cope with much more.  So on the Sunday night, I took the younger two children back and explained that our eldest child couldn’t face returning home because of the atmosphere.  She slept on my parent’s (her grandparents’) sofa for several nights.  However, she was missing her siblings terribly and they were missing her.  So for their sakes, she returned back to her mother explaining why she’d returned.  I hoped that this incident would empower my daughter but also make their mother realise how close she was to losing all her children.  Faced with such a threat, surely she would change her behaviour?

Every time I saw the children I would always ask how they were coping.  I remember asking my eldest daughter if her mother had shouted at her: “Yes Dad, but I deserved it, I was playing up,” was the answer I received.  

However, a very testing time came when my ex-wife decided to take the children away on holiday.  I received the following text from my eldest daughter:

14^th August 20xx 17.09

I can’t wait to come home she’s doing my head in x

I responded along the lines of try and stay calm.  Minutes later the next arrived.

14^th August 20xx 17:17

I can’t take it anymore she’s actually making me want to end my life before I end up killing her x

I was distraught as I didn’t know where they were specifically.  I knew where she had taken them in terms of the town, but had no idea where they were staying.  I felt so helpless.  Later, I received a text to say that the situation had calmed.

The next time, my ex-wife took the children away, there was another explosive moment between the eldest child and her.  They were staying for the weekend in London.  Again, I had no idea of the actual destination.  This time I received a telephone call from my daughter to say that they had left the hotel and were walking to the train station when her and her mother had verbally argued.  Her mother had left her alone in the street and gone off taking the younger children with her.  My daughter had tried texting and telephoning her mother, but mum was not answering either the texts or calls.  So my daughter was alone, on a London street not knowing where she was and was getting extremely concerned because a strange man was now trying to talk with her.   Eventually, my daughter managed to find her way back to the hotel and found that the rest of the family were already there in their rooms.

Once I left the church ministry, I eventually found a house to rent near the children and their school.  The eldest child and I spoke quite often about her moving in with me.   She showed a very mature attitude and while she wanted to, she recognised that if she moved out, both her younger sister and brother would also want to come which would effectively leave their mother with no family so she stayed.  However, it wasn’t before long that tensions rose again and she could take no more.   She actually gave her mother a week’s notice, informing her mother that she would move in with me the following weekend.  Rather than try and build bridges, her mother immediately took back off her the house key making my daughter feel even more that she was being forced out.

And so, Father and Daughter number one were re-united.

Attitudes

When I started blogging, I wanted to try and change the mistaken perceptions that exists surrounding male victims of Domestic Violence.  If by telling my story, I was able to help others or even encourage other men to speak out about the abuse they’d experienced then it would be mission accomplished.

I’ve come into contact with all sorts of people.  While I am raising awareness in particular about how Domestic Violence affects men, I strongly state that all forms of abuse are wrong irrespectively of gender.  It has been good to encounter others with the same message.  However, it is deeply disturbing also to come across those who categorically deny that men can suffer at the hands of their partner.  ‘It’s just not possible you can’t be a victim,’ they shout, ‘any abuse you’ve had you must have brought upon yourself.  It has to be retaliation because you’re the real perpetrator!’

Very soon after I started to tell of my abuse, a friend did say to me, “I hope you do realise that not ALL women behave like that.”  I’m glad to say that I knew that and that I have found a new partner who is nothing like my ex-wife.  She is  very loving and considerate and is everything that one  expects a good, healthy relationship to be.

But it set me thinking about the support services given to women.   Are abused women told when sharing their story, “Not all men are like that” ?  I think I know the answer and I suspect not.  When I worked in the care industry, clients were asked their preference of the gender of support worker.   Several would say they had issues with men and would prefer a female support worker.  It is also true that the majority of support workers are female, so often there is little choice.  Women will have a female support worker, but the likelihood is that men would too.  Sadly, it does seem that through support services to women, misandry is inadvertently encouraged.  

This approach has also meant that often the support service gets highjacked by those with a political agenda wishing to secure more funding for ‘other’ women issues.  So, rather than providing a Gender-netural approach to Domestic abuse, the needs of a male victim are inconsequential and the service is gender-bias.   Organisations/charities offering support services to ‘women and children’ when advertising for staff  often insert the following disclaimer in their adverts:

Female applicants only on the basis that it is an Occupational Requirement as provided for in the Equality Act 2010 (Schedule 9 Work: Exceptions – Part 1 Occupational Requirements).

The real danger is that this encourages Misandry and continues and feeds the myth promoted that all men will treat you appallingly.   I’m aware of a men’s movement that is growing and trying to tackle this.  What I have seen though, is misandrists and misogynists militants resort to personal insults attacks on each other.   Quantified evidence is completely discounted in order to score political points off each other.  This is not healthy for anyone, least of all those who have experienced domestic violence.

The support charity I worked for, although acknowledging the client’s gender preference, took the view that the client received support from whichever member of staff was available regardless of gender.   I would like to think that those who received support from me realised that, despite their past experiences, all men are not the same and that there are some positive male role models out there.  Society needs more men providing such support services to help get this message across. 

The need for positive Male role models within the care industry is something I became aware of during my first role as a Church minister.  Part of my role was to manage an OFSTED registered Nursery that the Church ran.  Prior to me, this particular church had always had female ministers in charge, so the minister was naturally considered part of the staff ratio for the nursery.  When I took over the leadership of the church, it meant that part of my role was making up the staff ratio in the nursery as there wasn’t enough funds in the budget to employ a new female member of staff.   The nursery was located in a run-down inner city area and many of the children who came to the nursery came from dysfunctional families.  One day, when one little boy called me Daddy, it dawned on me that I was perhaps the only positive male role model that these children had in their lives.

We need more positive role models.  A gender-bias approach is wrong on all levels because Domestic Violence affects and impacts everyone.

Why men remain silent

In July 2012, I wrote about the emotional impact of being silent had on me (http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/silence.html), I feel that the time has come to unpack this a little more and explore the reasons why men remain silent about being victims of domestic abuse.

I’m task-oriented I will discuss my aims, my projects, my achievements with anyone.  But if you asked me how I was feeling, the answer you would get would be , “I’m fine,” even if I wasn’t.  It just wasn’t part of my nature to talk about my feelings and emotions.  If I felt hurt, I wasn’t going to make an issue of it – I certainly wouldn’t let anyone know – I’d simply dust myself down, pick myself up and carry on.   I would talk about what I could do or what I was going to do, but never about how I felt or the circumstances behind emotions.  I would say that this is true for most men that our innermost angst remains locked away in our psyche.

For a long time, I didn’t recognise the violent assaults on me as Domestic Abuse.  I’d made a wedding vow that included the words, “ for better or for worst, in sickness and in health.”   The actions perpetrated against me, I reasoned, was because of some undiagnosed illness caused by the stress of bereavement and maybe even physiological changes due to childbirth.  My pleas to my ex-wife to seek medical attention for her extreme anger outbursts were ignored. 

I didn’t see the attacks on me as criminal assaults although they clearly were.  I kept telling myself that the violence would end once the grieving had ended or once the baby had arrived.  It never did.  The more I accepted her pattern of behaviour, the worst it became.  Also, how could I even think about involving the Police and pressing charges against the woman I loved? 

I felt I couldn’t tell anyone.   Who would believe me?  Most people thought that women are incapable of attacking the physically stronger man.  I wish I’d known back then that women attacking their male partners is far more prevalent than assumed.   Although hit, I’d never retaliate back.  To me, striking a women even under provocation, is totally unacceptable.  When I first stayed away from the marital home a counselling session was arranged.  This was facilitated by our Bishop before they realised the extent of the abuse.  In fact, I would like to think that this session helped them comprehend the severity of the abuse I suffered.  In trying to comprehend all that had happened, I spoke about being physically hit by my ex-wife and said that I would never hit her back. She responded in a loud, angry voice, “If you did hit me, you’d only do it once!” to which I calmly responded , “That’s the problem though, you’ve hit me more than once.” 

However, the attitudes I encountered afterwards were all dismissive about the severity of the abuse.   I suspect though, were I female, it would have been a different story. 

Men remain silent because they suspect that they won’t be believed.   This is borne out by statistics that I’ve quoted before from  The Mankind Initiative:

• Twice as many male victims (28%) than women (13%) do not tell anyone about the domestic abuse they are suffering – highlighting the level of underreporting.

• Male victims are three times (10%) more likely not to tell the police they are victim than a female victim (29%) and only 4% of male victims will tell a health professional compared to 19% of female victims.

I looked up the Crown Prosecution Services (CPS)  guidelines for Domestic Violence. I thought that perhaps I could find reasons for why men don't feel comfortable going to the authorities.  It makes interesting reading:

6 - Gender and the CPS violence against women strategy

The Violence against Women Strategy provides an overarching framework for crimes that have been identified as primarily being committed by men, against women, within a context of power and control.

Domestic violence prosecutions should therefore be addressed within an overall framework of violence against women and an overall human rights framework……..Prosecutors should also recognise that domestic violence also takes places within same sex relationships that men can be abused by women and that family members can be abused by siblings, children, grandchildren and other relatives.

Although there is a token reference to male victims (recognised that men can be abused by women), the clear emphasis made is that Domestic Violence is primarily committed by men against women.

I decided to explore this more and came across:

Matczak, A., Hatzidimitriadou, E., and Lindsay, J. (2011). Review of Domestic Violence policies in England and Wales. London: Kingston University and St George‘s, University of London. ISBN: 978-0-9558329-7-0

This proved to be insightful and offered some history about UK Governmental Policy development:

Violence against women was recognised as a fundamental infringement of human rights in the 1993 United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women and was a major topic at the 1995 Beijing Fourth World Conference on Women (UN Women, 1995). The serious consequences of domestic violence have also been recognised by the World Health Organisation (Krug et al. 2002).

Over the past 30 years there have been major changes in the national policy and comprehension of domestic violence in the United Kingdom driven and in response to advocacy and campaigning by the women‘s movement and non-governmental organisations providing services to abused women (Harvin, 2006)…..

During the period between 1997 and 2010, the main focus of policy and legislation on domestic violence was on implementing measures based on prevention, protection and justice and the provision of support for victims of domestic abuse, to be implemented by partnerships of service providers at local and national levels. Interestingly, in formulating policy, the government defined domestic violence in a gender-neutral way. Since 2010, following the election of a Coalition government (Conservatives and Liberal Democrats), there is a shift in policy direction with increased focus on a more broad gender-based agenda to ―end violence against women and girl (Home Office, 2010).

……….

The UK Government is currently reviewing policy in this area and is utilising the United Nations Declaration‘s (1993) definition, namely:

Any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life’. (Home Office, 2010)

The current government is consulting on whether to extend this definition to include younger people (Home Office, 2011).

………

The consultation also recognised that men and boys could be victims of domestic violence and the impact of domestic abuse on families and children. In March 2011 a new action plan Call to End Violence against Women and Girls: Action Plan was published setting out immediate and longer term priorities for action and the responsibilities of different government departments and framing policy development within an equalities and prevention framework with a distinct and new focus not only on adults but also on the protection of children from domestic and gender based violence within families, schools and from harmful material on the internet. It is backed by a £28 million fund to support the provision of specialist services for victims and prevention work.

The last paragraph offers once more the nominal concession to men and then promotes the new Action Plan which excludes men.   It does concern me that the move away from a Gender-Neutral to Gender-Based approach will stop men from speaking out.  It goes without saying that if only female abuse victims are heard and listened to, even fewer men will be strong enough to come forward. 

The truth is that Domestic Violence is no respecter of gender.  These statistics show that while 

slightly more women than men suffer DV, the gap between the two genders isn’t that wide:

Produced by the ManKind Initiative in February 2013:

·         40% of domestic abuse victims are male: for every five victims, three will be

female, two will be male.

·         7% of women and 5% of men were estimated to have experienced any domestic

abuse in the last year, equivalent to an estimated 1.2 million female and 800,000

male victims.

·         31% of women and 18% (one in six) of men had experienced any domestic abuse

since the age of 16. These figures were equivalent to an estimated 5.0 million

female victims of domestic abuse and 2.9 million male victims.

·         Partner abuse (non-sexual) was the most commonly experienced type of intimate

violence among both women and men. 24% of women (3.9 million) and 13% of

men (2.1 million) reported having experienced such abuse since the age of 16: for

every three victims of partner abuse, two will be female and one will be male.

·         In 2011/12, 4% of women (675,000) and 3% of men (491,000) experienced

partner abuse: a split of 57%.43% (for every seven victims – four will be female,

three will be male).

·          1.1% of men and 1.3% of women were victims of severe force at the hands of

their partner during 2011/12. Over a lifetime the figures are 6.1% and 13.2%

respectively.

·         More married men (2.3%) suffered from partner abuse in 2011/12 than

married women (1.8%)

·         More men in managerial and professional occupations (3.0%) suffered from

partner abuse in 2011/12 than women with the same occupation (2.6%)

·         Men with children (3.0%) are as likely to be victims of partner abuse than men

without children. The figure is the same for female victims (3.5%)·  

·         In 2011/12 – 17 men (one every 21 days) died at the hands of their partner or ex-partner compared with 88 women (one every four days)

These figures certainly make nonsense of the claim made in the following UK Government 

document:

The vast majority of the incidents of domestic abuse, sexual assault and stalking are perpetrated by men on women.

Call to End Violence Against Women and Girls yMarch 2011

This claim is clearly unsubstantiated and should not be the basis for a Gender-based approach.   All Domestic Abuse is wrong and both sexes are as likely to be victims/ perpetrators.

Men remained silent because their voice is not heard or when it is, it is seldom believed.  

Can an Abusive Ex Change?

Can an abusive ex-partner change?  This is the question I pose myself as we both have moved on into new relationships.  My personal reflections have often examined whether there was something in my own nature that triggered all the violent episodes.   I’m far from perfect, but I couldn’t find anything.  People describe me as calm, placid, gentle but firm when needed, honest and completely open and transparent.  People say they never see me angry.   I’ve also drawn encouragement recently from the work of Dr Denise Hines, one of the very few Psychologist undertaking research into male victims of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).  This is an extract from a factsheet on  ‘A Closer Look at Men who sustain Intimate Terrorism by Women’ , part of ‘The Men’s Experiences with Partner Aggression Project’  and matches me completely:

http://wordpress.clarku.edu/dhines/files/2012/01/Men_closer_look_IT_factsheet_final.pdf

The male helpseekers in this study paint a picture of men who are fairly well educated, who 

have professional‐level jobs, and who have children involved in their relationships. They 

report sustaining severe levels of violence at the hands of their partner and have significant 

concerns about whether to leave their partners and what would happen if they did leave. 

Many of these men report loving their partners, hoping that she will change, showing 

commitment to their marriage, and concern about what would happen to the children.  

This has help and reassured me that I’m not to blame for what happened to me.  In my search for answers, I’ve looked to see if I can see some of my abusive ex-wife’s behavioural patterns continuing.

Before and during the marriage, my ex-wife was a compulsive liar.  Of course, I didn’t realise this at the time and had I made this discovery before we got married, my life may have turned out different.  If the falsehoods she told were solitary, you may feel they are inconsequential, but continued untruths paint a different picture.  Whenever she felt threatened or didn’t want to divulge anything, she became very skilled at speaking a plausible sounding lie.

If you have followed my story told here, you will know that we were both church ministers.  My ex-wife remains a church minister.  She trained as a minister before I did, and had an enforced break from that training.  She always told me that the reason was because she originated from one of the offshore islands of the UK, the church authorities felt she needed time to acclimatise to life on mainland England.  There may be some truth in that, I don’t know, why would I initially doubt that. Recently I discovered that she had an issue with her church mentor during this period that resulted in the church instructing her to do an Anger Management course and the church moving her from shared accommodation to a single occupancy flat.

When we first met, we were both having driving lessons.  I took my test and passed.  My ex-wife told me she had a test booked.  When I later enquired about this, I was told that she’d cancelled her test when she had to travel back to her parental home following the illness and death of her mother.  Over twenty years later, she is still having driving lessons but has not sat even one driving examination.  If she had a driving test booked all those years ago, surely she would have taken at least one examination by now?  The ‘evidence’ suggests that there was never a driving test booked.  Another ‘lie’ which she kept up all those years.

Coming from an island environment, my ex-wife always told me she could swim.  On many occasions, before and after we wed, she said she could swim.  I couldn’t swim.  As we planned for a family, we talked about the importance of teaching the children to swim and it was suggested that my ex-wife would take the babies to early year swimming lessons.  This never happened.  Furthermore whenever we went on holidays, my ex-wife never went in the sea or took the opportunity to swim if the apartment complex had their own pool.  Never in twenty years, did I or our children see her swim.  Can she swim?  She says yes.  Do we believe her?  No.

I could cite many other instances during the marriage that formed a consistent pattern of falsehood.   Has this continue since we separated or she said revert to being truthful?

I know that she has lied to cover-up a mistake she made.  As I left the marriage with absolutely nothing, it took me a little while to establish myself again.  At first, all the children stayed with my ex-wife.  I paid child support, and as part of our arrangement, agreed to transport the children wherever they need to go, and also as well as regular access, offered to have the children when my ex-wife needed to attend church seminars that constituted overnight stays.   This was on the proviso that I had plenty of notice so that I could arrange for time off work.  The annual church conference was approaching and she’d asked me if I could look after the children.  I booked the time off work and said I could.  Just a week prior to the conference, she realised she’d made a mistake and given me the wrong dates.  By this time, I couldn’t re-arrange my work schedule and so, I couldn’t change the dates.   Mutual colleagues were soon contacting me because my ex-wife had told her line managers and peers that she couldn’t attend this conference at the last minute because I was being awkward and was refusing to look after the children when I said I would.  I was rather annoyed about this and so I contacted her line managers (who had also been mine before I left the church) and explained what had happened.   The following day, the story she was telling had changed.  She was actually admitting to people that she had made a mistake. 

The situation has changed in that our daughters now live with me.  But she still lies and her falsehoods now concern the children.  This coming weekend is Easter.  This Saturday is the day my daughters are scheduled to stay with her.  She asked that they don’t visit this weekend because  she ‘is very busy with work.’  Okay, she has an extra service to conduct on Good Friday, but is no busier than any other weekend.  My daughters don’t mind because they don’t like staying at their mother’s.   It transpires that the real reason she can’t have them is because she’s attending a wedding on Saturday with her new boyfriend.   Another lie.  The sad thing is, if she had told me the truth I won’t have minded as it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable.  All it does is show to me that she hasn’t changed and is still the compulsive liar I felt she always was.  Can abusive ex-partners change?  I would say No.

Appeal Aftermath

After some general advice and information, it’s time once more to pick up my story. I had been waiting for the official notification of my appeal.  Within ten days of the appeal being held, I should have received the written decision.  Everyday I waited for the mail to be delivered.  Nothing arrived.  There is a maxim that says ‘no news is good news.’  It didn’t apply in this instance.  Realistically, I wasn’t expecting a reversal of the judgment that had resulted in my dismissal.  Idealistically I had hoped for some understanding into the stigma of being a male victim of Domestic Violence and the impact it had on my mental health particularly as I was working within the Mental health care field. 

I used this time to reflect on my brief career in social care.  The majority of workers in this industry are female with very few male members of staff in any care organisation.  I was initially told that I would be in constant demand for work as good male workers were a rare commodity and greatly needed.  This proved to be my experience and I received praise for the way in which I worked.  I found that my co-workers were all fully committed and worked hard and efficiently to ensure that the best possible service was offered to clients.     However, management were often more cynical towards clients and workers.  With hindsight, I feel that some of my interactions with my managers (who all happened to be female) may have also coloured their judgement. 

I had only been in the job for seven weeks when a vacancy within the organisation was advertised.  This post was at a higher grade, located in the town where I lived rather than fifty miles from home, more conventional working hours and I had the qualifications required.  I informed my line manager that I would be applying, not because I was unhappy with my current role, but because it was an opportunity too good to miss.  My line manager responded that she would do the same if she was in my position.  However, the funding for this post hadn’t been properly secure and recruitment was postponed.  The job I had involved a huge amount of travelling and mileage expenses could be claimed back from the organisation.  I had submitted my expenses for authorisation and was rather upset to discover three weeks later that my line manager hadn’t yet dealt with them.  I spoke privately to my line manager and received a poor excuse as to why they hadn’t been submitted. Having been in management myself, I recognised managerial claptrap and would have preferred the truth.  It transpired that all team members had outstanding expense claims that were awaiting reimbursement.  Christmas was approaching and all staff were unhappy as the delay was affecting Christmas budgeting.  I subsequently raised this issue at the next team meeting where I was supported by my shift colleague.  The service lead responded that it was up to her when she submitted the claims, with no acknowledgement that the problem had arose because she’d forgotten about them in the first place.

The service I worked with was an ‘out of hours’ service that overlapped some regular ‘nine to five’ services within the organisation.  Without going into great detail, I discovered that the organisation had been paying the telephone bill of a Client for over eighteen months.  When I came across this, I spoke to the line manager of the department responsible who was adamant that the transfer of responsibility for the telephone line over to the client had taken place correctly.  I went away and collected the necessary information, returning to the manager who then looked at it with her line manager and realised that I was right. 

Prior to my probation review which led to my release, two supervision sessions had been held between my line manager and myself.   Following these sessions, company policy was that we both sign a copy of the supervision notes and that I was given a copy.  The first time I saw these was at my probation review when I was presented with both sets to sign.  I never received a copy of these documents.

A month after the appeal, I still hadn’t received notice of the appeal’s decision.   I wrote to the CEO of the organisation explaining the situation and that I was still waiting for the result.  He responded immediately to say that he had asked the regional headquarters to investigate.  Another month passed without any word so once more I contacted the CEO.  It transpired that the wrong regional office had been asked to investigate.  The CEO apologised for the bad working practise of the organisation and also said that I would receive a personal apology and explanation from the regional manager.  The regional manager’s letter contained an apology stating that although the letter had been written immediately following the appeal, due to an administration error it wasn’t mailed out to me.  The original letter was also included and stated that attached to it were the minutes of the appeal.  The minutes were not included.  I contacted the regional manager once more to say that I still hadn’t received my copy of the supervision interviews and that the minutes of the appeal hadn’t been included despite it being stated that they were.  I finally received all documentation a week later.  This now meant closure for me, I could move on from the feelings I had felt about the poor handling of my situation by this organisation.

Depression

There have been periods of my life where I have been completely empty, devoid of any purpose or motivation.  I muse over whether my life is worth living.  I want to stay in bed.  I don’t feel like getting out of bed and facing the day.  I can’t be bothered to wash or shave.  I spend time wallowing in self-pity. 

I’m fortunate to have people close to me that recognise the triggers and try and drag me out of my despair.  Once I can focus on an activity, I’m generally journeying out of the darkness.

Men aren’t used to asking for help.  We are the ones that are supposed to remain strong, the ones that hold it all together.  Any visible display of weakness shows us to be less than a man.  At least, that’s the perceived message we receive.

And so it means that hurting men remain silent, not seeking help, refuse to talk or even verbally acknowledging our struggles.

1 in 4 women suffer from depression while the statistics say that 1 in 10 men suffer from depression.  Most experts will acknowledge that depression in men is underreported and undiagnosed.  As men, we aren’t encouraged to talk about the way we feel.  Any suggestion of feeling low and we are likely to receive responses such as ‘Pull yourself together man!’ or ‘Snap out of it.’  Statistics also suggest that 60% of female  Domestic Abuse victims have depression.  There are no statistics available for male victims.

As a man I have bottled up so many emotions and feelings.  I am learning that it’s good to talk.  Part of me wishes I could have unburdened myself earlier.  Maybe I would be in a better place now.

Men don’t tend to visit their Doctor as often as they should.  I fall into this category. The only time that I would visit the Doctor’s Surgery was when I moved house and needed to register with a doctor.  With hindsight, I know that I have been in a depressed state for many years trying to regulate it myself.

Sometimes, we do need help and I’m learning that there is no shame in asking for aid.  It doesn’t come naturally to me.  Finally I went to see my Doctor and spoke with him.  He prescribed me with Antidepressants.  Are they helping? Its early days and I don’t really know but I shall keep taking the tablets.

Looking for Work

With no work for the immediate future, I had to motivate myself enough to find out what benefits I was entitled to.   I was so low in mood, the last things I really wanted to do was have to explain that I’d just lost my job and what did I need to do to claim.  However, I quickly learnt that the sooner you register your claim, the sooner you can receive benefits. 

Filing out forms that question every area of your life takes you mentally back into a self-reflective journey which is not comfortable.  Then you have to provide documentation to evidence how destitute you are.  You need to do this to survive.

The first time I entered the Dole Office, I have a sense of extreme personal embarrassment.   Others walk in and out nonplussed.  I wait to be called over to the desk to see a job advisor.  I tell them all I’m doing to find work.  They seemed impressed and tell me I’m doing everything I can.

I get offered an interview.  I’m apprehensive about the interview because although I answered the ‘have you any convictions?’ application question in the negative, the post is subject to a satisfactory Criminal Bureau Records.

The interview goes well.  At the end of the interview I declare that I have a caution for events surrounding the break-up of my marriage.  The interviewers don’t ask me to expand on this.  Two days later I’m offered the job subject to the necessary paperwork.

In the meantime I wait.  I still have to sign on the dole on a fortnight.  An agency also offers me work but there’s a cost implication for me – I have to pay for training prior to working any shifts for them.

The following week I receive a letter from the agency explaining that my application has been unsuccessful because of an unsatisfactory reference.  I telephone them to ask about the reference.  Apparently, my last employers stated that I didn’t finish my period of probation and that was, in the eyes of the agency, unsatisfactory. 

The next day, I receive a letter from the organisation that had made me a job offer inviting me to a meeting.  I sense the worst.  I go to the meeting and learn that the job offer is being withdrawn.  They explain that they had checked with my previous employers and learnt the nature of my caution.  They felt that the way I had disclosed it at interview was misleading and therefore they were withdrawing their job offer.

I tried to explain the context in which the caution was received, but their minds were already made up.  I know what I did was wrong, I’m paying the price but what happened was a result of my state of mind being completely distorted by years of domestic abuse.  No one seems to be hearing that, it’s as if they don’t believe that I could be a victim of spousal abuse.  

Where do I go next? 

Faith and Prayer

My main life coping strategy has been to prepare for the worst mentally, emotionally and psychologically then any other outcome is a positive bonus.  Although it may sound that I am  pessimistic, I actually try and make the best out of my circumstances.  I like to be focussed and organised.  I function best when I have a routine or plans to act on. 

There have been many occasions recently when people  have assured me that they will be praying for me at a specific  time when I was facing meetings/interviews.  On all these occurrences, the worst case scenarios were fulfilled.  My subsequent reflections posed the question ‘would I be better off without the prayers of the well-meaning?’

As a former church minister, I understand and appreciate the intention.  I have to ask ‘who benefits from praying?’

It can be comforting to know that someone else is thinking of you particularly during difficulties.  The one committed to pray may feel that they are able to do something that they see as constructive by calling out to their deity. 

Prayer has another dimension also.  A person of faith who prays calls usually calls upon God for intervention.  Does God hear and answers Prayers? What happens if two people are praying  at the same time for the same situation but praying for opposing outcomes?  How does God decide which prayer to answer?  In that case, God can just sit back and see how events unfold  while doing absolute nothing.  One person will claim that God answered their prayer, but the other person may also claim that their God answered prayer by saying No.  They may also say that prayer wasn’t answered because their faith wasn’t strong enough.

I know many of the quotes preachers will give you concerning prayer.  Over the years, I’ve used them myself.  Here are a couple of examples heard from pulpits worldwide:

William Temple replied to his critics who regarded answered prayer as no more than coincidence, “When I pray, coincidences happen; when I don’t, they don’t.”

Seven Days without Prayer make One Weak

Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended upon man

During my early days as a church minister, I had one parishioner who was the first to volunteer for any task needed doing.  He became a good friend and I would describe him as one of the most righteous men that I have known.  He faced major surgery and all the community were praying for his recovery.  He had been told that it was a complex operation and it could go either way: recovery or death.  Prior to the operation, he spoke with such faith that his God would pull him through. He never survived the operation.  Why did so many prayers go unanswered?  Many people could ask similar questions.

Another favourite sermon interjection of preachers is to refer to the latest newspaper report that cites a study carried out on medical patients with some receiving prayer and some not receiving prayer.  The preacher always announces that prayer made the difference in recovery.

Prayer doesn’t work as an appeal to some Supreme Being.  If a person has faith in a belief system, then that might give that person hope.  If prayer is seen to work, the deity receives the credit.  If it doesn’t work, the deity has said no or there’s a lack of faith or some form of demonic interference.   

I want to say thank you for your prayers but they don’t work. If a Supreme Being exists, why does (s)he never intervene.  Earlier in my personal story, I shared my reflection asking how a supposed God of love could allow someone who had sacrificed a career to follow a godly vocation be abused by someone who also claimed to serve this God of love? 

What will be will be.  Prayers don’t make any difference, but positive thinking and energy just might.

The Low Point

It took fifteen minutes to hold my probation review and make the decision to end my employment.  By the time I reached home, my work email account had been invalidated.  I had put everything into this job.  I travelled through four counties to arrive at work.  A round trip to work from home was over ninety miles.  I also ‘worked’ additional hours for the organisation locally on my days off. 

Management had taken a dim view of my crime, but I felt hadn’t considered the context in which it occurred.  I contacted the local manager to explain why I haven’t been able to answer her offer of more additional hours of work.  When I explained that I’d received a caution, she said she was open minded and invited me to come and talk to her and her line manager without making any promises. However, an hour before the agreed time, she telephoned to say that the other manager was off sick and she would be in touch.  Having not heard any more, I can only assume that Human resources warned her off contacting me again.

I came away from the meeting feeling completely devastated and dejected.  Although I knew that losing my job was an option, I never imagined that would happen.  At worst, I thought that my probation would be extended.  I had five days in which to enter an appeal against the decision.  My initial reaction was not to bother because management had made it clear that they didn’t want me there.   If the appeal overturned the decision, then I wasn’t sure whether I could work with the same management. 

The next few days were terrible.  I had never been at such a low point in my life.  All purpose and motivation had gone.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I would have easily just stayed in bed all day had those closest to me not insisted I come out with them.

 I did think about ending my life and I often have these thoughts.  If I felt that I had nothing to live for then the intention might have been there also.  I did feel that lift wasn’t worth living but I imagine there is a big difference between that and wanting to end one’s life.  The one thing that kept me from complete descent into darkness was my family and friends.

At the weekend, my children came and stayed with me.  This gave me some much-needed focus and motivation.  With the children’s presence raising my low mood, I also decided that I would appeal the decision.  I still felt great aggrieved about all that had happened.  I also wondered whether I was being victimised for a couple of issues I’d mentioned to my line manager. 

While putting in additional hours, I’d been informed of a job vacancy closer to home, at a higher grade and one that I met all the criteria for.  I was encouraged to apply for this post and told my line manager.  I’d also come across a situation where the charity’s funds were being misused due to over sight.  I brought this to management’s attention and it was quickly resolved. 

I formulated my appeal letter over the weekend and posted it.  With some focus back in my life, the low mood gradually started to lift.

The children returned home as usual on Sunday evening and Mondays for me have always been difficult having to readjust to an empty house once again.  I went to bed Monday night but couldn’t sleep.  Ever since my separation, I had felt strongly that men in Domestic Violence scenarios needed a voice but there were none.  The reason I couldn’t sleep was because an idea had planted itself in my mind and my imagination had gone into overdrive.  I got out of bed, at one o’clock Tuesday morning, went downstairs, turned on the computer and started writing my experiences.

Dawn broke and I was still writing.  I had so much I wanted to say and share.  This was the moment when this blog, ‘The Silence of Domestic Violence’ was born.

Summoned

I drove over to another property managed by the charity where this more senior manager was based.  It was approaching five o’clock on Friday evening, the time that all managers finished for the weekend.  Workers carried on working outside of office hours with an ‘on-call’ manager available on the telephone but only in the case of emergencies.

I repeated all that I had told my immediate line manager.  I was then asked to hand over my security pass and keys and informed that I was being placed on ‘gardening leave until further notice.’   Other workers were told that I’d gone home ill.   I guess they instantly thought that this was suspicious because I was known for never taking any time off work through sickness.  The senior manager arranged to come and see me at my home the following Monday to ascertain more details about my situation.

As arranged, the manager came out to see me. Once again, I told of all the events surrounding my caution.  She commented that I’d “not told her anything new and repeated what I’d said the previous week.”   I thought to myself, ‘There’s nothing more to add. I’ve told you everything about the offence I committed.’   I also spoke about the state of mind I’d been in after 18 years of being abused.  For a man to admit to anyone that he has been a victim of domestic abuse is not an easy step to take.  Some have been sympathetic, others quite dismissive.  I’m not making any excuses, what I ended up doing was wrong and I have taken responsibility for that and paid a very big price.

What did happen was completely out of character for me and I have subsequently described it as an unconscious cry for help.  I do know that had I not been worn down by Sandra’s consistent abusive behaviour, I would never have committed the offence I did.

A few days after the manager’s visit, I received a letter summoning me to my work base for a probation review.  As I was still on my initial 6 months probation period with the charity, the letter stated that my probation review was being brought forward to ascertain whether I’d met all the work criteria set for me.  It also stated that an unsatisfactory review could result in my contract being terminated.

I attended the review.  It was over within fifteen minutes.  I am convinced that the outcome had been pre-determined.  There had been no problems or concerns over my job performance.  As far as I was concerned, there had been no concerns over my conduct.  I had been honest with the organisation.  However, management took a different view and rated my conduct as unsatisfactory because I’d not informed them earlier of my trouble with the Police.  Within twenty-four hours of receiving the caution, the organisation knew about it.  They felt I should have disclosed events earlier and so terminated my contract.  I was informed of my rights which included requesting an appeal review.

I left totally devastated.  This job had meant everything to me.  I felt that I had been treated very harshly and unfairly.  So much for understanding stigma around taboo subjects which was one of the charity’s values!   After receiving my notice, I was at the lowest point mentally and emotionally that I had ever experienced.