When I started blogging, I wanted to try and change the
mistaken perceptions that exists surrounding male victims of Domestic
Violence. If by telling my story, I was
able to help others or even encourage other men to speak out about the abuse
they’d experienced then it would be mission accomplished.
I’ve come into contact with all sorts of people. While I am raising awareness in particular
about how Domestic Violence affects men, I strongly state that all forms of
abuse are wrong irrespectively of gender.
It has been good to encounter others with the same message. However, it is deeply disturbing also to come
across those who categorically deny that men can suffer at the hands of their
partner. ‘It’s just not possible you
can’t be a victim,’ they shout, ‘any abuse you’ve had you must have brought upon
yourself. It has to be retaliation because
you’re the real perpetrator!’
Very soon after I started to tell of my abuse, a friend did
say to me, “I hope you do realise that not ALL women behave like that.” I’m glad to say that I knew that and that I
have found a new partner who is nothing like my ex-wife. She is
very loving and considerate and is everything that one expects a good, healthy relationship to be.
But it set me thinking about the support services given to
women. Are abused women told when
sharing their story, “Not all men are like that” ? I think I know the answer and I suspect
not. When I worked in the care industry,
clients were asked their preference of the gender of support worker. Several would say they had issues with men
and would prefer a female support worker.
It is also true that the majority of support workers are female, so
often there is little choice. Women will
have a female support worker, but the likelihood is that men would too. Sadly, it does seem that through support
services to women, misandry is inadvertently encouraged.
This approach has also meant that often the
support service gets highjacked by those with a political agenda wishing to
secure more funding for ‘other’ women issues.
So, rather than providing a Gender-netural approach to Domestic abuse, the
needs of a male victim are inconsequential and the service is gender-bias. Organisations/charities offering support
services to ‘women and children’ when advertising for staff often insert the following disclaimer in
their adverts:
Female applicants only on the basis that it is an
Occupational Requirement as provided for in the Equality Act 2010 (Schedule 9
Work: Exceptions – Part 1 Occupational Requirements).
The real danger is that this encourages Misandry and continues
and feeds the myth promoted that all men will treat you appallingly. I’m aware of a men’s movement that is
growing and trying to tackle this. What
I have seen though, is misandrists and misogynists militants resort to
personal insults attacks on each other.
Quantified evidence is completely discounted in order to score political
points off each other. This is not
healthy for anyone, least of all those who have experienced domestic violence.
The support charity I worked for, although acknowledging the
client’s gender preference, took the view that the client received support from
whichever member of staff was available regardless of gender. I would like to think that those who
received support from me realised that, despite their past experiences, all men
are not the same and that there are some positive male role models out
there. Society needs more men providing
such support services to help get this message across.
The need for positive Male role models within the care
industry is something I became aware of during my first role as a Church
minister. Part of my role was to manage
an OFSTED registered Nursery that the Church ran. Prior to me, this particular church had
always had female ministers in charge, so the minister was naturally considered
part of the staff ratio for the nursery.
When I took over the leadership of the church, it meant that part of my
role was making up the staff ratio in the nursery as there wasn’t enough funds
in the budget to employ a new female member of staff. The nursery was located in a run-down inner
city area and many of the children who came to the nursery came from
dysfunctional families. One day, when
one little boy called me Daddy, it dawned on me that I was perhaps the only
positive male role model that these children had in their lives.
We need more positive role models. A gender-bias approach is wrong on all levels
because Domestic Violence affects and impacts everyone.
This is so true. Men are always labelled as the perpetrators when it comes to domestic violence. Being a Domestic Violence Lawyer i am aware of a lot of cases were men have been at the receiving end.
ReplyDeleteI agree that there needs to be more gender-neutrality through domestic violence social policies. It seems that many policies makers believe that is enough to say 'some men experience domestic violence too', and yet refer to perpetrators as 'men' throughout their policies, and refuse to engage in any research or strategies to target them. I found your comment interesting regarding being told not all women are like that. I was in a discussion about a hypothetical domestic violence scenario, and when it was mentioned that the victim was a male, comments were made 'well the violence could be mutual, so maybe ask who is scared of who more?' If a female vitim came to a service, there is little chance she would be asked immediately if it was mutual or who is more scared?' Well done with the blog. I think it's great that you are raising awareness to the experiences of men.
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