Men don't feel pain....

After I was regularly attacked and my assailants’ (who happened to be my wife) anger had burnt out and she was on a calm plateau, I would challenge the unreasonable behaviour and be met with one of two responses: denial or she’d say, “You’re a man, you can cope with it.”  As I’ve spoken to other men who have been violently assaulted by their partner I’ve found that this notion seems quite common among some women, the idea that it’s okay to hit your male partner because you can’t really hurt him, he won’t feel any pain and therefore it doesn’t really count as domestic violence.

I’ve been giving this some thought as to where such nonsense originates from.  During infancy, boys receive the message that it’s a sign of weakness to cry, in fact that to show any sort of emotion is not the done thing for men.  And so when a young boy is hit by another in a juvenile fight, he tries his upmost not to show the pain he feels from his injuries. “It’s just a scratch.”   “It’s only a little cut’   “It looks far worse than it is.” Etc.   The last thing he wants is for his peers to see him ‘crying like a little girl.’  For the young schoolboy, being called a girl is reason enough to grit their teeth and not to show the pain they feel.  This response then stays with most men all through their life.  The reality is that males feel pain just like everyone else but society has conditioned them to suppress that pain and not exhibit any emotion. 

In the laws of the playground jungle, Boys also learn very quickly that you never hit a girl.  Some girls however, also recognise that a boy won’t hit them and they may think it’s funny to hit a boy who they know won’t strike back.  Again, this pattern of behaviour later establishes itself in adulthood.

As a man, I’ve found it hard to express my feelings and emotions.  Even now, I’m still reluctant to show my pain or to express my hurt.  The important thing is that I have found a safe environment where I can.   Bottling it all up or suppressing our hurt and our feelings then impacts our own mental well-being. 

Domestic violence is still largely perceived as a gender issue.  It shouldn’t be.  All abuse is wrong and the gender of both the perpetrator and victim is immaterial.  Gender is NOT the reason the abuse happens and therefore, any restorative action shouldn’t be based around gender.

However, the difficulty remains.  A man being attacked by a woman feels defenceless.  He often chooses not to fight back because of his values.  There are many portrayals of women attacking men – some view it amusing.  Others see it as fair game, the man must deserve it, and anyway that little woman can’t hurt that big, strapping man.  Because of this, people will accept the violent behaviour not appreciating the bigger picture. 

However, for every example you can think of where you’ve seen a man being hit by a woman  (and you would have seen quite a few on television maybe without realising it) ,  just imagine switching  the genders.  You will never see that scene portrayed as man to woman.  Why then, make mockery of women attacking men.  Any form of violence towards any person hurts.  All abuse is wrong.

Men DO feel pain.  They feel the pain of the attack.  They have the pain of having to cope alone as very few will have understanding towards them.  They may even suffer the pain of losing everything in life they held dear.

Domestic Abuse is not gender specific, and neither is pain.  Everyone hurts.

Attitudes

When I started blogging, I wanted to try and change the mistaken perceptions that exists surrounding male victims of Domestic Violence.  If by telling my story, I was able to help others or even encourage other men to speak out about the abuse they’d experienced then it would be mission accomplished.

I’ve come into contact with all sorts of people.  While I am raising awareness in particular about how Domestic Violence affects men, I strongly state that all forms of abuse are wrong irrespectively of gender.  It has been good to encounter others with the same message.  However, it is deeply disturbing also to come across those who categorically deny that men can suffer at the hands of their partner.  ‘It’s just not possible you can’t be a victim,’ they shout, ‘any abuse you’ve had you must have brought upon yourself.  It has to be retaliation because you’re the real perpetrator!’

Very soon after I started to tell of my abuse, a friend did say to me, “I hope you do realise that not ALL women behave like that.”  I’m glad to say that I knew that and that I have found a new partner who is nothing like my ex-wife.  She is  very loving and considerate and is everything that one  expects a good, healthy relationship to be.

But it set me thinking about the support services given to women.   Are abused women told when sharing their story, “Not all men are like that” ?  I think I know the answer and I suspect not.  When I worked in the care industry, clients were asked their preference of the gender of support worker.   Several would say they had issues with men and would prefer a female support worker.  It is also true that the majority of support workers are female, so often there is little choice.  Women will have a female support worker, but the likelihood is that men would too.  Sadly, it does seem that through support services to women, misandry is inadvertently encouraged.  

This approach has also meant that often the support service gets highjacked by those with a political agenda wishing to secure more funding for ‘other’ women issues.  So, rather than providing a Gender-netural approach to Domestic abuse, the needs of a male victim are inconsequential and the service is gender-bias.   Organisations/charities offering support services to ‘women and children’ when advertising for staff  often insert the following disclaimer in their adverts:

Female applicants only on the basis that it is an Occupational Requirement as provided for in the Equality Act 2010 (Schedule 9 Work: Exceptions – Part 1 Occupational Requirements).

The real danger is that this encourages Misandry and continues and feeds the myth promoted that all men will treat you appallingly.   I’m aware of a men’s movement that is growing and trying to tackle this.  What I have seen though, is misandrists and misogynists militants resort to personal insults attacks on each other.   Quantified evidence is completely discounted in order to score political points off each other.  This is not healthy for anyone, least of all those who have experienced domestic violence.

The support charity I worked for, although acknowledging the client’s gender preference, took the view that the client received support from whichever member of staff was available regardless of gender.   I would like to think that those who received support from me realised that, despite their past experiences, all men are not the same and that there are some positive male role models out there.  Society needs more men providing such support services to help get this message across. 

The need for positive Male role models within the care industry is something I became aware of during my first role as a Church minister.  Part of my role was to manage an OFSTED registered Nursery that the Church ran.  Prior to me, this particular church had always had female ministers in charge, so the minister was naturally considered part of the staff ratio for the nursery.  When I took over the leadership of the church, it meant that part of my role was making up the staff ratio in the nursery as there wasn’t enough funds in the budget to employ a new female member of staff.   The nursery was located in a run-down inner city area and many of the children who came to the nursery came from dysfunctional families.  One day, when one little boy called me Daddy, it dawned on me that I was perhaps the only positive male role model that these children had in their lives.

We need more positive role models.  A gender-bias approach is wrong on all levels because Domestic Violence affects and impacts everyone.

Appeal Aftermath

After some general advice and information, it’s time once more to pick up my story. I had been waiting for the official notification of my appeal.  Within ten days of the appeal being held, I should have received the written decision.  Everyday I waited for the mail to be delivered.  Nothing arrived.  There is a maxim that says ‘no news is good news.’  It didn’t apply in this instance.  Realistically, I wasn’t expecting a reversal of the judgment that had resulted in my dismissal.  Idealistically I had hoped for some understanding into the stigma of being a male victim of Domestic Violence and the impact it had on my mental health particularly as I was working within the Mental health care field. 

I used this time to reflect on my brief career in social care.  The majority of workers in this industry are female with very few male members of staff in any care organisation.  I was initially told that I would be in constant demand for work as good male workers were a rare commodity and greatly needed.  This proved to be my experience and I received praise for the way in which I worked.  I found that my co-workers were all fully committed and worked hard and efficiently to ensure that the best possible service was offered to clients.     However, management were often more cynical towards clients and workers.  With hindsight, I feel that some of my interactions with my managers (who all happened to be female) may have also coloured their judgement. 

I had only been in the job for seven weeks when a vacancy within the organisation was advertised.  This post was at a higher grade, located in the town where I lived rather than fifty miles from home, more conventional working hours and I had the qualifications required.  I informed my line manager that I would be applying, not because I was unhappy with my current role, but because it was an opportunity too good to miss.  My line manager responded that she would do the same if she was in my position.  However, the funding for this post hadn’t been properly secure and recruitment was postponed.  The job I had involved a huge amount of travelling and mileage expenses could be claimed back from the organisation.  I had submitted my expenses for authorisation and was rather upset to discover three weeks later that my line manager hadn’t yet dealt with them.  I spoke privately to my line manager and received a poor excuse as to why they hadn’t been submitted. Having been in management myself, I recognised managerial claptrap and would have preferred the truth.  It transpired that all team members had outstanding expense claims that were awaiting reimbursement.  Christmas was approaching and all staff were unhappy as the delay was affecting Christmas budgeting.  I subsequently raised this issue at the next team meeting where I was supported by my shift colleague.  The service lead responded that it was up to her when she submitted the claims, with no acknowledgement that the problem had arose because she’d forgotten about them in the first place.

The service I worked with was an ‘out of hours’ service that overlapped some regular ‘nine to five’ services within the organisation.  Without going into great detail, I discovered that the organisation had been paying the telephone bill of a Client for over eighteen months.  When I came across this, I spoke to the line manager of the department responsible who was adamant that the transfer of responsibility for the telephone line over to the client had taken place correctly.  I went away and collected the necessary information, returning to the manager who then looked at it with her line manager and realised that I was right. 

Prior to my probation review which led to my release, two supervision sessions had been held between my line manager and myself.   Following these sessions, company policy was that we both sign a copy of the supervision notes and that I was given a copy.  The first time I saw these was at my probation review when I was presented with both sets to sign.  I never received a copy of these documents.

A month after the appeal, I still hadn’t received notice of the appeal’s decision.   I wrote to the CEO of the organisation explaining the situation and that I was still waiting for the result.  He responded immediately to say that he had asked the regional headquarters to investigate.  Another month passed without any word so once more I contacted the CEO.  It transpired that the wrong regional office had been asked to investigate.  The CEO apologised for the bad working practise of the organisation and also said that I would receive a personal apology and explanation from the regional manager.  The regional manager’s letter contained an apology stating that although the letter had been written immediately following the appeal, due to an administration error it wasn’t mailed out to me.  The original letter was also included and stated that attached to it were the minutes of the appeal.  The minutes were not included.  I contacted the regional manager once more to say that I still hadn’t received my copy of the supervision interviews and that the minutes of the appeal hadn’t been included despite it being stated that they were.  I finally received all documentation a week later.  This now meant closure for me, I could move on from the feelings I had felt about the poor handling of my situation by this organisation.

Depression

There have been periods of my life where I have been completely empty, devoid of any purpose or motivation.  I muse over whether my life is worth living.  I want to stay in bed.  I don’t feel like getting out of bed and facing the day.  I can’t be bothered to wash or shave.  I spend time wallowing in self-pity. 

I’m fortunate to have people close to me that recognise the triggers and try and drag me out of my despair.  Once I can focus on an activity, I’m generally journeying out of the darkness.

Men aren’t used to asking for help.  We are the ones that are supposed to remain strong, the ones that hold it all together.  Any visible display of weakness shows us to be less than a man.  At least, that’s the perceived message we receive.

And so it means that hurting men remain silent, not seeking help, refuse to talk or even verbally acknowledging our struggles.

1 in 4 women suffer from depression while the statistics say that 1 in 10 men suffer from depression.  Most experts will acknowledge that depression in men is underreported and undiagnosed.  As men, we aren’t encouraged to talk about the way we feel.  Any suggestion of feeling low and we are likely to receive responses such as ‘Pull yourself together man!’ or ‘Snap out of it.’  Statistics also suggest that 60% of female  Domestic Abuse victims have depression.  There are no statistics available for male victims.

As a man I have bottled up so many emotions and feelings.  I am learning that it’s good to talk.  Part of me wishes I could have unburdened myself earlier.  Maybe I would be in a better place now.

Men don’t tend to visit their Doctor as often as they should.  I fall into this category. The only time that I would visit the Doctor’s Surgery was when I moved house and needed to register with a doctor.  With hindsight, I know that I have been in a depressed state for many years trying to regulate it myself.

Sometimes, we do need help and I’m learning that there is no shame in asking for aid.  It doesn’t come naturally to me.  Finally I went to see my Doctor and spoke with him.  He prescribed me with Antidepressants.  Are they helping? Its early days and I don’t really know but I shall keep taking the tablets.

Faith and Prayer

My main life coping strategy has been to prepare for the worst mentally, emotionally and psychologically then any other outcome is a positive bonus.  Although it may sound that I am  pessimistic, I actually try and make the best out of my circumstances.  I like to be focussed and organised.  I function best when I have a routine or plans to act on. 

There have been many occasions recently when people  have assured me that they will be praying for me at a specific  time when I was facing meetings/interviews.  On all these occurrences, the worst case scenarios were fulfilled.  My subsequent reflections posed the question ‘would I be better off without the prayers of the well-meaning?’

As a former church minister, I understand and appreciate the intention.  I have to ask ‘who benefits from praying?’

It can be comforting to know that someone else is thinking of you particularly during difficulties.  The one committed to pray may feel that they are able to do something that they see as constructive by calling out to their deity. 

Prayer has another dimension also.  A person of faith who prays calls usually calls upon God for intervention.  Does God hear and answers Prayers? What happens if two people are praying  at the same time for the same situation but praying for opposing outcomes?  How does God decide which prayer to answer?  In that case, God can just sit back and see how events unfold  while doing absolute nothing.  One person will claim that God answered their prayer, but the other person may also claim that their God answered prayer by saying No.  They may also say that prayer wasn’t answered because their faith wasn’t strong enough.

I know many of the quotes preachers will give you concerning prayer.  Over the years, I’ve used them myself.  Here are a couple of examples heard from pulpits worldwide:

William Temple replied to his critics who regarded answered prayer as no more than coincidence, “When I pray, coincidences happen; when I don’t, they don’t.”

Seven Days without Prayer make One Weak

Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended upon man

During my early days as a church minister, I had one parishioner who was the first to volunteer for any task needed doing.  He became a good friend and I would describe him as one of the most righteous men that I have known.  He faced major surgery and all the community were praying for his recovery.  He had been told that it was a complex operation and it could go either way: recovery or death.  Prior to the operation, he spoke with such faith that his God would pull him through. He never survived the operation.  Why did so many prayers go unanswered?  Many people could ask similar questions.

Another favourite sermon interjection of preachers is to refer to the latest newspaper report that cites a study carried out on medical patients with some receiving prayer and some not receiving prayer.  The preacher always announces that prayer made the difference in recovery.

Prayer doesn’t work as an appeal to some Supreme Being.  If a person has faith in a belief system, then that might give that person hope.  If prayer is seen to work, the deity receives the credit.  If it doesn’t work, the deity has said no or there’s a lack of faith or some form of demonic interference.   

I want to say thank you for your prayers but they don’t work. If a Supreme Being exists, why does (s)he never intervene.  Earlier in my personal story, I shared my reflection asking how a supposed God of love could allow someone who had sacrificed a career to follow a godly vocation be abused by someone who also claimed to serve this God of love? 

What will be will be.  Prayers don’t make any difference, but positive thinking and energy just might.

The Appeal

Having the children stay over at the weekend boosted my motivation and I decided to ask for an appeal.  I cited the grounds for which I wished to challenge the decision.  I hoped that because the charity campaigned to raise awareness around mental illness and to reduce stigma that they would understand my state of mind at the time of the crime.

I’d started blogging my experiences and this had given me a renewed purpose.  I had been quite lethargic and had felt I had no real purpose to life.  Even getting out of bed to face the day was a huge struggle. 

I received a letter back from the Area manager stating the time, place and conditions of my appeal hearing.  The conditions were that the area manager’s decision would be final and the decision would be communicated in letter format within ten days of the appeal.  The venue was the regional offices which meant a round trip of over one hundred and forty miles.

I arranged early for the meeting.  However, the HR representation was late in arrival which delayed the start of our consultation. 

By the time of the appeal, I’d written nine pages of this blog (up to and including ‘Coping Strategies’) so I submitted this as part of my appeal.

It’s not easy talking about the Domestic Abuse that you have suffered, but I tried to share the impact it had on me.  I did hope that they would understand the mental anguish I was placed under, the way in which my whole thought process became disturbed and how I lose sight of reality, making misguided efforts to try and placate Sandra by continuously providing treats that I could not afford.  I emptied my entire emotional reservoir out in that room.  

I’m not proud of the crime I committed.  I can’t make any excuses.  I’ve taken responsibility for my actions. I do know though, had I not suffered long term domestic abuse, I would never have done what I did.  I told the room that I had made restitution and suffering DV had cost me everything; my vocation, my home.   Here I was trying to rebuild my life and forget the mistakes of the past.

They listened and thanked me for attending.  The appeal finished.  I was informed that I would be notified in writing of the decision within ten days. 

Everyday I watched and waited for the postman to deliver the mail.  It was soul destroying waiting for a letter which I thought may bring closure.  That letter has never arrived and far more days than ten have elapsed.  I am bitterly disappointed.  I thought highly of the charity when I first started working with them.  They seemed to have a sound management structure and values. 

The questions I asked in my appeal were never answered.  I imagine that the original decision to dismiss me was upheld with them looking at the caution, but ignoring the circumstances.  I had hope that they would understand the effect of suffering Domestic Abuse had on my mental health being a mental health charity themselves. Working for them had given me some insight into my own mental state of mind.   I am bitterly disappointed that charity never had the courtesy to convey to me the decision of the appeal.   

The Low Point

It took fifteen minutes to hold my probation review and make the decision to end my employment.  By the time I reached home, my work email account had been invalidated.  I had put everything into this job.  I travelled through four counties to arrive at work.  A round trip to work from home was over ninety miles.  I also ‘worked’ additional hours for the organisation locally on my days off. 

Management had taken a dim view of my crime, but I felt hadn’t considered the context in which it occurred.  I contacted the local manager to explain why I haven’t been able to answer her offer of more additional hours of work.  When I explained that I’d received a caution, she said she was open minded and invited me to come and talk to her and her line manager without making any promises. However, an hour before the agreed time, she telephoned to say that the other manager was off sick and she would be in touch.  Having not heard any more, I can only assume that Human resources warned her off contacting me again.

I came away from the meeting feeling completely devastated and dejected.  Although I knew that losing my job was an option, I never imagined that would happen.  At worst, I thought that my probation would be extended.  I had five days in which to enter an appeal against the decision.  My initial reaction was not to bother because management had made it clear that they didn’t want me there.   If the appeal overturned the decision, then I wasn’t sure whether I could work with the same management. 

The next few days were terrible.  I had never been at such a low point in my life.  All purpose and motivation had gone.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I would have easily just stayed in bed all day had those closest to me not insisted I come out with them.

 I did think about ending my life and I often have these thoughts.  If I felt that I had nothing to live for then the intention might have been there also.  I did feel that lift wasn’t worth living but I imagine there is a big difference between that and wanting to end one’s life.  The one thing that kept me from complete descent into darkness was my family and friends.

At the weekend, my children came and stayed with me.  This gave me some much-needed focus and motivation.  With the children’s presence raising my low mood, I also decided that I would appeal the decision.  I still felt great aggrieved about all that had happened.  I also wondered whether I was being victimised for a couple of issues I’d mentioned to my line manager. 

While putting in additional hours, I’d been informed of a job vacancy closer to home, at a higher grade and one that I met all the criteria for.  I was encouraged to apply for this post and told my line manager.  I’d also come across a situation where the charity’s funds were being misused due to over sight.  I brought this to management’s attention and it was quickly resolved. 

I formulated my appeal letter over the weekend and posted it.  With some focus back in my life, the low mood gradually started to lift.

The children returned home as usual on Sunday evening and Mondays for me have always been difficult having to readjust to an empty house once again.  I went to bed Monday night but couldn’t sleep.  Ever since my separation, I had felt strongly that men in Domestic Violence scenarios needed a voice but there were none.  The reason I couldn’t sleep was because an idea had planted itself in my mind and my imagination had gone into overdrive.  I got out of bed, at one o’clock Tuesday morning, went downstairs, turned on the computer and started writing my experiences.

Dawn broke and I was still writing.  I had so much I wanted to say and share.  This was the moment when this blog, ‘The Silence of Domestic Violence’ was born.

Summoned

I drove over to another property managed by the charity where this more senior manager was based.  It was approaching five o’clock on Friday evening, the time that all managers finished for the weekend.  Workers carried on working outside of office hours with an ‘on-call’ manager available on the telephone but only in the case of emergencies.

I repeated all that I had told my immediate line manager.  I was then asked to hand over my security pass and keys and informed that I was being placed on ‘gardening leave until further notice.’   Other workers were told that I’d gone home ill.   I guess they instantly thought that this was suspicious because I was known for never taking any time off work through sickness.  The senior manager arranged to come and see me at my home the following Monday to ascertain more details about my situation.

As arranged, the manager came out to see me. Once again, I told of all the events surrounding my caution.  She commented that I’d “not told her anything new and repeated what I’d said the previous week.”   I thought to myself, ‘There’s nothing more to add. I’ve told you everything about the offence I committed.’   I also spoke about the state of mind I’d been in after 18 years of being abused.  For a man to admit to anyone that he has been a victim of domestic abuse is not an easy step to take.  Some have been sympathetic, others quite dismissive.  I’m not making any excuses, what I ended up doing was wrong and I have taken responsibility for that and paid a very big price.

What did happen was completely out of character for me and I have subsequently described it as an unconscious cry for help.  I do know that had I not been worn down by Sandra’s consistent abusive behaviour, I would never have committed the offence I did.

A few days after the manager’s visit, I received a letter summoning me to my work base for a probation review.  As I was still on my initial 6 months probation period with the charity, the letter stated that my probation review was being brought forward to ascertain whether I’d met all the work criteria set for me.  It also stated that an unsatisfactory review could result in my contract being terminated.

I attended the review.  It was over within fifteen minutes.  I am convinced that the outcome had been pre-determined.  There had been no problems or concerns over my job performance.  As far as I was concerned, there had been no concerns over my conduct.  I had been honest with the organisation.  However, management took a different view and rated my conduct as unsatisfactory because I’d not informed them earlier of my trouble with the Police.  Within twenty-four hours of receiving the caution, the organisation knew about it.  They felt I should have disclosed events earlier and so terminated my contract.  I was informed of my rights which included requesting an appeal review.

I left totally devastated.  This job had meant everything to me.  I felt that I had been treated very harshly and unfairly.  So much for understanding stigma around taboo subjects which was one of the charity’s values!   After receiving my notice, I was at the lowest point mentally and emotionally that I had ever experienced.

Caution Disclosure

Every job application form that I’ve seen poses the question, “Have you had a criminal conviction?” I can honestly answer no.  Some expand that question to ask whether you’re had a caution or bind over order.   Any job that required a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check will highlight any caution received.

At the time of my job application, I had no convictions or cautions to declare and had received a clean CRB.  CRB checks are renewed after three years and the next one done on me would reveal that I now have a caution. This is a summary of what is means to receive a caution:

A police caution formally known as a simple caution has the following purposes:

1. to deal quickly and simply with less serious offenders;
2. to divert them from unnecessary appearance in the criminal courts; and
3. to reduce the chances of their re-offending.

A police caution is a formal warning given to adults who admit they are guilty of first-time minor offences. A police caution does form a part of a person's criminal record.  A caution may adversely affect both employment and travel prospects A caution may be considered in court in the event of the offender being tried for a similar offence. A caution remains in police records along with photographs, fingerprints and any other samples taken at the time, although cautions (including reprimands and warnings) are covered by the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974 so will become spent immediately Furthermore, simple cautions normally expire after 5 years However, even after cautions expire, any cautions and the associated crimes may continue to be presented in trials involving the cautioned person.

A caution is intended to act as a first official warning and to deter people from getting involved in crime.

I’d received my caution on Thursday evening and was due to work the weekend shift.  I arrived early to speak to my line manager and inform her about my caution.

The news came as a shock.  There had been nothing in my performance or conduct to suggest that I was bad news for my employers. I’d not told the organisation of any of my problems prior to this.  I felt that there was no need.  No one declares their whole life story while being interviewed for a job.  I’d answered all the questions they had asked me.  I hadn’t lied on my application forms.   Working within mental health and the surrounding stigma, I did hope that the organisation would understand the mental pressures I’d been under for years as a Domestic Violence victim, and the poor state of mind I was in when I committed the crime.  I knew that they had employed staff with criminal convictions.  I was completely honest with my line manager, telling her the full details of the caution offence and the circumstances behind it.

After finishing speaking to me, my line manager left the site.  Fifty minutes later as I was preparing to start my shift, I received a telephone call from her summoning me to another location to speak with a senior manager.

Child Maintenance

As soon as it became obvious I was not returning to the marital home, I entered into a private maintenance arrangement with Sandra.  This included a monthly monetary payment, arrangement to pay insurance policy premiums for the children.  As Sandra still didn’t drive (although she was suppose to be taking her driving test twenty years earlier!), I also promised to transport the children whenever they needed lifts.  As any parent of teenagers will know, this is quite expensive before any other outlay.  Besides, arranging to do this gave me another excuse to see and spend time with my children.  Sandra seemed happy with this arrangement and I never defaulted on any payments.  When I left the church ministry, there was a three month period when I was not working and nor did I claim any form of benefit.  However, with no income coming in I still ensured that I met this payment.

When I was a Church Minister Sandra knew what I was earning so did not have any issue with our private maintenance agreement.  Without any prior discussion when Sandra learnt that I had been offered two jobs, she contacted the Child Support Agency(CSA).

It’s difficult as a man to be complimentary about the CSA.  The first I knew about Sandra contacting them was when I received a strongly worded letter implying that I had failed my legal duty in not contributing anything towards Child Maintenance.  The letter also issued an extremely short deadline for me to respond or otherwise face legal consequences.  It was upsetting to receive such a letter as I had been very compliant as far as arrangements to the children were concerned. 

I immediately telephoned the CSA and their telephone manner was completely different to their aggressive letters campaign.  The case worker was very sympathising and talked me through the information they needed to make an assessment.  She explained that if we had a private Maintenance Agreement that we both agreed on  then the assessment would only serve as a guideline.  She also told me that the assessment would also take into consideration the number of occasions that the children stayed overnight at my home.  After talking to the CSA by telephone, I felt more comfortable about the situation.

The next time I collected the children, I attempted to speak to Sandra about the CSA and expressed my unhappiness that she had gone directly to them.  It wasn’t as if I was a father neglecting his responsibilities.  That weekend I drew up a new private arrangement offering Sandra an increased cash allowance, commitment to continue the transportation and insurance policies of the children.  I also offered an additional arrangement whereby I would make arrangements to look after the children so that Sandra could attend the many residential courses that the church expected her to attend.   Sandra initially agreed to this but reneged on this understanding when I produced a written copy and I asked her to sign it.  She tore up the revised private maintenance plan.

As requested, I submitted all the information required to the CSA.  They made their assessment and submitted their report to both Sandra and I.   I felt even more victimised when I looked at the CSA figures.  The compliant non -residential parent is hit hard.  The deduction the CSA makes allowing for overnight stays amounted to a measly 50p per child per night.  Absolutely scandalous!  I wish I could look after them on that amount. 

Sandra saw one big lump sum and decided that she wanted the suggested amount of money.  I did try to reason and told her that I would pay the suggested amount but then I wouldn’t be able to afford all the add-ons on top of that.   Rather than pay a monthly amount into Sandra’s bank account, Sandra now decided that she would collect child maintenance through the CSA.  Again, this angered me.  It wasn’t as if I had refused to contribute to the children’s upkeep.  I was prepared to keep things civil and continue paying in the fashion that I had paid Sandra thus far.  

I informed Sandra that by her choosing the non-negotiation route would make the situation awkward for everyone but Sandra had no intention in listening.

The next time I went to collect the children, Sandra came to the door and started speaking in a pleasant manner.  By now I had learnt that the only time Sandra would face me when I picked-up the children would be when she wanted a favour.  Usually when I called, she would stay out of sight and away from the front entrance of the house.

“Hi”, she said, “I have a course to go on which lasts a week and I wondered whether you can have the children so that I can go on it. After all, you did say that you would have the children so I can do this.”   The cheek of the woman, she was being rather selective over what had been said.  I remind Sandra that I had proposed such an arrangement which she’d refused preferring to receive 30 pieces of silver from the CSA.   Furthermore, knowing Sandra to be the compulsive liar she is, I knew that I was now an easy excuse for her to use with her employers.  I could hear her saying, “He said he’d have the children, but cancelled at last minute.” Still, nothing I can do about that.  Hopefully others will see through her lies.

The Child Support Agency has a grossly unfair method of making maintenance calculations.  Absent parents are victimised for living apart from their children.  As you may know from this blog, I had no choice.  The only absent parents that benefit from the CSA are those who are unemployed as the CSA will then make a ‘Nil’ assessment.    

 

Lone Working

I was offered two jobs, although both were not full time contracts.  Both were working with Charities involved in the care sector.  One was agency work and I was told that there were plenty of shifts available with opportunity of a full time contract.  The other was a supplementary job working on a zero hour basis.  Both roles involved an element of lone working.

As a church minister, lone working was nothing new to me.  However, being trained to keep and stay safe while lone working was a new concept.  The church had a lone working policy that applied to employees, but ministers did not fall under that category.  No church legally considers their ministers as employees.  Such any minister take any sort of action against the church as their employer, the case is always thrown out of court.  Currently, no courtroom will overturn the church’s stance that the minister’s contract is with God, not the church as the minister entered into a spiritual covenant rather than an employment contract.

Many Church ministers get called upon to enter dangerous situations with very few people knowing where they are.  No risk assessments are ever carried out concerning the well-being and safety of a minister.  In recent years several vicars have been murdered by people they were trying to help.  Around 12% of all clergy have suffered some form of harassment or suffering.  I’d never even thought about my own safety as a church minister.  I’d entered squats and other dangerous places alone.  I’d had to deal with people who were very clearly disturbed unaware whether they posed a risk.    Putting your trust in God alone sometimes isn’t enough.

I only realised the importance of feeling safe when lone working when instructed by the two charities that employed me.  Both gave me alarms and instructions to follow your gut instinct.  Both had policies that mean that all work spaces including clients homes were risked assessed.   One charity also gave me a works mobile phone and every appointment was clearly logged.  If there were any last minute changes, I had to notify the control office immediate.  There were also certain times of the day where I had to make contact.  Failure to respond could mean that my own personal safety plan was put into operation. Knowing that the organisation was looking out for my welfare certainly helped my own sense of well-being.  I felt I was working for an organisation that actually valued me as a person. 

Job Hunting

It had been over twenty five years since I last looked for an alternative job.  Preparing my CV took several days.  What skills do I enter on it?  Would seventeen years as a church minister mean anything to prospective employers?  Technology had changed the search.  An abundance of websites all making claims that they had the right job for you.  I’d not really had to look for work before; it seemed to find me so this was a completely new experience.  I’d actually started my first job before I officially left school, working on days that I was suppose to be studying for my O levels and just taking off the days when I sat my examinations.  I can’t even recall being interviewed for this job.  It was a typical school leaver’s role that my Father had arranged for me.   I just turned up one day and started as a junior office boy.  It suited a purpose but offered no long term prospect.  After twelve months I began looking for employment with better career prospects.  Someone who attended the same church as me, knew I was looking and so recommended me to his management.  His company interviewed me and offered me a new job.  I knew that I didn’t really sell myself well at interview. It was only because my new company preferred taking on people that came recommended by valued staff that I embarked on a new career.  I did change jobs after this but stayed in the same industry.  Again, I didn’t really look for work but was headhunted by people who knew my reputation or had previously managed me.

When I felt it was time to leave this industry and enter church ministry, there was a different selection process.  Not everyone who expresses an interest in church ministry gets chosen. Someone wanting to become a church minister first had to be an active member of their own church.  The church elders then had to give their backing and vouch for the suitability of the applicant.  The applicant would then be interviewed by the Diocese before attending an appraisal weekend which would determine whether or not the applicant would be invited to complete a residential course at the Ministers Training College. 

It took me a while to break down all that I did as a Church minister and write it in a style that would be understood.  Most job adverts stated that if you hadn’t heard back from them within a certain timescale then on that occasion your application was unsuccessful. It can be soul destroying sending off application after application and not receiving any feedback back.  Just the slightest news would offer a snippet of encouragement.  With so many people job hunting, prospective employers probably haven’t the recruitment budget to respond to everyone. 

There were also unscrupulous people seeking to take advantaged of the unemployed.  One scam I came across was that I received an email stating that on this occasion my application was unsuccessful, but the agency could train me up so that I had the necessary qualification.  Even better news was that they would pay me for the days I studied.    All I had to do was email them my bank details!  Strangely enough, the only way to find them on the internet was via a link that they sent to you.  No internet search would direct you to the same site.  It sickened me that these vultures were preying on people desperate for work and robbing those who failed to recognise yet another internet scam.

 I just wanted to work so applied for all roles I thought that I could.  Within a month I had been offered several interviews with different care providers.

Resignation

I came out of the consultation with senior churchmen feeling that the only option available to me was resignation.  The interview techniques used implied to me that this was the best course of action.  They were very subtle though.  When I first mentioned resignation, the immediate response was “you’ll lose your car if you resign.” This struck me as a very peculiar answer.  True, as part of the salary package I‘d lose the leased company vehicle, but it would also mean that I would have to find somewhere else to live.  I thought that when speculating on resigning, the last thing that was on my mind was the perk of a company car!  I had far more important things to consider.  

Most of the country was caught up in Royal wedding celebrations but partying was the last thing on my mind.  I was in a rather morose state.  I drafted out a resignation letter. I had sought the advice of some people who thought I was being rather hasty.  I went for a long lengthy walk in the countryside listening to music through my ipod.  Some people might have decided that they would front the situation out but I felt totally ashamed of the behaviour I had been confronted with. After I finished walking, I posted my letter of resignation to the church administrators.

I decided to accept responsibility for my actions and face the consequences.  It still pains me today that what I did was a mistaken way of trying to save my marriage but ended up costing me everything.  While I have admitted my shortcomings, Sandra has never acknowledged her role in my destruction or accepted any accountability for her behaviour even when challenged.  Despite being the perpetrator of long term Domestic Violence, Sandra still remains a church minister.

After resigning, the church arranged for the leased car to be collected.  They paid for a transporter to collect it off my driveway and deliver it a store area in London.  Within a many of weeks, they then reassigned the leased car I had driven, to another church minister.  By this time, I had also left the manse.  Bizarrely, the leased car was then transported back from London as the church minster they’d reassigned the car to, was now residing in the manse that I had occupied.  They could not have been that concerned about the way they used church funds.  I have been made to feel that I was the world’s biggest criminal in my misappropriation of church funds.  I had also paid back every penny (and more) that I had taken without consent.  None of my previous exemplary conduct was taken into account.  I had no help with relocation.  I was even notified that my membership of the church had been cancelled.  I had been a life-long member.  I had made great sacrifices all my life for the church and now a church preaching forgiveness and restoration was casting me out without any compassion.

Integrity

Just as I was finally becoming stable in all areas of my life, my past caught up with me and everything came crashing down once again.  In attempting to keep Sandra happy during the last years of the marriage, I’d over claimed on my expenses from the church and used the additional money to fund family trips and holidays.  Had I been in the right frame of mind at that time I would never have even contemplated such action. I was summoned to the diocese offices and asked about a couple of cheques I had written a few years beforehand.  I was completely dumbstruck when confronted with the evidence.  I had blocked out my behaviour and could not offer any reasonable explanation.  The bishop advised me that whatever the outcome ‘the Integrity of the Church will not be compromised.’ 

This was a phrase I’d heard ten years previously from a former Bishop who used it on that occasion when an investigation into church activities was taking place.  I suspect that it is a line given to Bishops to pass on in disciplinary scenarios.  On both instances when I heard it, I interpreted it as a thinly-veiled threat that if I was guilty in any way or shape or form I was on my own.

On the first occasion, I was involved in an investigation against a volunteer worker within the church.  When arrested, the volunteer made counter accusations which were quickly disregarded as being without any substance.  This was a deeply harrowing time.  Many people were affected by the allegations and I could not explain what was happening for fear of compromising the investigation.   When I tried to speak to Sandra in the privacy of our home about the situation, she did not want to know and so I had to carry this great burden alone.  Once the church was satisfied that they had not been implicated as an organisation, they withdrew all forms of support.  No one ever spoke to me afterwards about the impact this distressing case had on me.  I am convinced though that had I been involved, I would have been completely ostracised. 

However the second time I was informed about the integrity of the church being protected, I was guilty.  I admitted that I had used church funds without permission and while questions were being asked of my conduct, I was also told that I would be given some time off work.  However as this was the week leading up to Easter, the decision was delayed until afterwards so that the church leadership did not have to find a replacement to cover my services.

I approached the Easter Sunday service knowing full well that it could be the last church service I conducted.  The Christian message of Easter concerns forgiveness and I recall making some mention of forgiveness during the service.   During the week that followed, I was interviewed and questioned about the events of a few years before by a senior churchman.  This man wasn’t even at my Easter Sunday Service and yet in his interrogation of me actually referred to me speaking about forgiveness. I was absolutely shocked, talk about Big Brother watching you.   Moreover, I was horrified about my past deeds and decided I only had one course of action and that was to resign as a church minister.

 

Release

One word characterised this new chapter of my church ministry: Release.  Quite ironic really because it also represented a message I’d often portrayed when speaking to different groups. While I was training to become a minister, a friend of mine had come across a magic dealer selling all sorts of props and gimmicks.  He purchased a handcuff escape routine and I believe I was the first person to witness it.  The impact of the illusion captivated me so much that I had to be taken to the same shop. 

During the years that followed I expanded my repertoire and found that the use of conjuring tricks opened doors.  I was able to visit all sorts of establishments and would always finish my set with an escapology routine and then expound a short talk on how faith can release a person from all sorts of problems that could bind one mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually.

I had been released of Sandra’s insecurity or dare I say it, jealousy over my own talents.  I no longer needed to suppress my ability and slowly I was able to have my confidence restored. 

I had a great team of church elders working alongside me and we had a fantastic working relationship.  I don’t know what their thoughts were when they first learnt that I was going to be leading their church.  I imagine that they might be concerned for the workload I would be taking on.  I could envisage that they might be worried that I was carrying too much baggage to be an effective leader of their church.  For me, communication was essential.  I met with my leadership and was absolutely amazed that their first concern was over my well-being. 

Tragically, many church ministers resigned because of friction between themselves and their church elders.  Meetings between the two could be fraught as some church elders took these meetings as an opportunity to tell the minister where they were going wrong.  Church ministers often would approach these meetings as a means to justify some dictatorial decision.  Knowing the egos of some church leaders, I could sympathise with some elders.  For myself, experience had taught me that consultation with elders was always the wisest approach.

The church elders did express their concerns to me, but it was apprehension that I was doing too much and they were fearful that I would exhaust myself.  I was overwhelmed that here was a group of people who actually cared.  Most church ministers are criticised for doing too little.  For the first time in my career I was even told that if I needed a weekend off at any time, just let them know and they would sort everything out.  It was a pleasure to work alongside these lovely people who I now count as close friends.

I’d shared with the church elders why my marriage had broken down as I felt that I was accountable to them.  Members of the congregation knew nothing other than I was separated and as far as I know, no-one was gossiping or trying to pry into my circumstances.  Again, this was a rare experience with the Church.  Many church attendees love a juicy snippet of tittle-tattle.  This church was unique in that everyone attached to it really cared. They weren’t concerned with rumour, but were focussed on the mission of the church.

This was the happiest and most fulfilling time of my ministry and I felt released and able to be myself for once.