Lone Working

I was offered two jobs, although both were not full time contracts.  Both were working with Charities involved in the care sector.  One was agency work and I was told that there were plenty of shifts available with opportunity of a full time contract.  The other was a supplementary job working on a zero hour basis.  Both roles involved an element of lone working.

As a church minister, lone working was nothing new to me.  However, being trained to keep and stay safe while lone working was a new concept.  The church had a lone working policy that applied to employees, but ministers did not fall under that category.  No church legally considers their ministers as employees.  Such any minister take any sort of action against the church as their employer, the case is always thrown out of court.  Currently, no courtroom will overturn the church’s stance that the minister’s contract is with God, not the church as the minister entered into a spiritual covenant rather than an employment contract.

Many Church ministers get called upon to enter dangerous situations with very few people knowing where they are.  No risk assessments are ever carried out concerning the well-being and safety of a minister.  In recent years several vicars have been murdered by people they were trying to help.  Around 12% of all clergy have suffered some form of harassment or suffering.  I’d never even thought about my own safety as a church minister.  I’d entered squats and other dangerous places alone.  I’d had to deal with people who were very clearly disturbed unaware whether they posed a risk.    Putting your trust in God alone sometimes isn’t enough.

I only realised the importance of feeling safe when lone working when instructed by the two charities that employed me.  Both gave me alarms and instructions to follow your gut instinct.  Both had policies that mean that all work spaces including clients homes were risked assessed.   One charity also gave me a works mobile phone and every appointment was clearly logged.  If there were any last minute changes, I had to notify the control office immediate.  There were also certain times of the day where I had to make contact.  Failure to respond could mean that my own personal safety plan was put into operation. Knowing that the organisation was looking out for my welfare certainly helped my own sense of well-being.  I felt I was working for an organisation that actually valued me as a person. 

Resignation

I came out of the consultation with senior churchmen feeling that the only option available to me was resignation.  The interview techniques used implied to me that this was the best course of action.  They were very subtle though.  When I first mentioned resignation, the immediate response was “you’ll lose your car if you resign.” This struck me as a very peculiar answer.  True, as part of the salary package I‘d lose the leased company vehicle, but it would also mean that I would have to find somewhere else to live.  I thought that when speculating on resigning, the last thing that was on my mind was the perk of a company car!  I had far more important things to consider.  

Most of the country was caught up in Royal wedding celebrations but partying was the last thing on my mind.  I was in a rather morose state.  I drafted out a resignation letter. I had sought the advice of some people who thought I was being rather hasty.  I went for a long lengthy walk in the countryside listening to music through my ipod.  Some people might have decided that they would front the situation out but I felt totally ashamed of the behaviour I had been confronted with. After I finished walking, I posted my letter of resignation to the church administrators.

I decided to accept responsibility for my actions and face the consequences.  It still pains me today that what I did was a mistaken way of trying to save my marriage but ended up costing me everything.  While I have admitted my shortcomings, Sandra has never acknowledged her role in my destruction or accepted any accountability for her behaviour even when challenged.  Despite being the perpetrator of long term Domestic Violence, Sandra still remains a church minister.

After resigning, the church arranged for the leased car to be collected.  They paid for a transporter to collect it off my driveway and deliver it a store area in London.  Within a many of weeks, they then reassigned the leased car I had driven, to another church minister.  By this time, I had also left the manse.  Bizarrely, the leased car was then transported back from London as the church minster they’d reassigned the car to, was now residing in the manse that I had occupied.  They could not have been that concerned about the way they used church funds.  I have been made to feel that I was the world’s biggest criminal in my misappropriation of church funds.  I had also paid back every penny (and more) that I had taken without consent.  None of my previous exemplary conduct was taken into account.  I had no help with relocation.  I was even notified that my membership of the church had been cancelled.  I had been a life-long member.  I had made great sacrifices all my life for the church and now a church preaching forgiveness and restoration was casting me out without any compassion.

Integrity

Just as I was finally becoming stable in all areas of my life, my past caught up with me and everything came crashing down once again.  In attempting to keep Sandra happy during the last years of the marriage, I’d over claimed on my expenses from the church and used the additional money to fund family trips and holidays.  Had I been in the right frame of mind at that time I would never have even contemplated such action. I was summoned to the diocese offices and asked about a couple of cheques I had written a few years beforehand.  I was completely dumbstruck when confronted with the evidence.  I had blocked out my behaviour and could not offer any reasonable explanation.  The bishop advised me that whatever the outcome ‘the Integrity of the Church will not be compromised.’ 

This was a phrase I’d heard ten years previously from a former Bishop who used it on that occasion when an investigation into church activities was taking place.  I suspect that it is a line given to Bishops to pass on in disciplinary scenarios.  On both instances when I heard it, I interpreted it as a thinly-veiled threat that if I was guilty in any way or shape or form I was on my own.

On the first occasion, I was involved in an investigation against a volunteer worker within the church.  When arrested, the volunteer made counter accusations which were quickly disregarded as being without any substance.  This was a deeply harrowing time.  Many people were affected by the allegations and I could not explain what was happening for fear of compromising the investigation.   When I tried to speak to Sandra in the privacy of our home about the situation, she did not want to know and so I had to carry this great burden alone.  Once the church was satisfied that they had not been implicated as an organisation, they withdrew all forms of support.  No one ever spoke to me afterwards about the impact this distressing case had on me.  I am convinced though that had I been involved, I would have been completely ostracised. 

However the second time I was informed about the integrity of the church being protected, I was guilty.  I admitted that I had used church funds without permission and while questions were being asked of my conduct, I was also told that I would be given some time off work.  However as this was the week leading up to Easter, the decision was delayed until afterwards so that the church leadership did not have to find a replacement to cover my services.

I approached the Easter Sunday service knowing full well that it could be the last church service I conducted.  The Christian message of Easter concerns forgiveness and I recall making some mention of forgiveness during the service.   During the week that followed, I was interviewed and questioned about the events of a few years before by a senior churchman.  This man wasn’t even at my Easter Sunday Service and yet in his interrogation of me actually referred to me speaking about forgiveness. I was absolutely shocked, talk about Big Brother watching you.   Moreover, I was horrified about my past deeds and decided I only had one course of action and that was to resign as a church minister.

 

Release

One word characterised this new chapter of my church ministry: Release.  Quite ironic really because it also represented a message I’d often portrayed when speaking to different groups. While I was training to become a minister, a friend of mine had come across a magic dealer selling all sorts of props and gimmicks.  He purchased a handcuff escape routine and I believe I was the first person to witness it.  The impact of the illusion captivated me so much that I had to be taken to the same shop. 

During the years that followed I expanded my repertoire and found that the use of conjuring tricks opened doors.  I was able to visit all sorts of establishments and would always finish my set with an escapology routine and then expound a short talk on how faith can release a person from all sorts of problems that could bind one mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually.

I had been released of Sandra’s insecurity or dare I say it, jealousy over my own talents.  I no longer needed to suppress my ability and slowly I was able to have my confidence restored. 

I had a great team of church elders working alongside me and we had a fantastic working relationship.  I don’t know what their thoughts were when they first learnt that I was going to be leading their church.  I imagine that they might be concerned for the workload I would be taking on.  I could envisage that they might be worried that I was carrying too much baggage to be an effective leader of their church.  For me, communication was essential.  I met with my leadership and was absolutely amazed that their first concern was over my well-being. 

Tragically, many church ministers resigned because of friction between themselves and their church elders.  Meetings between the two could be fraught as some church elders took these meetings as an opportunity to tell the minister where they were going wrong.  Church ministers often would approach these meetings as a means to justify some dictatorial decision.  Knowing the egos of some church leaders, I could sympathise with some elders.  For myself, experience had taught me that consultation with elders was always the wisest approach.

The church elders did express their concerns to me, but it was apprehension that I was doing too much and they were fearful that I would exhaust myself.  I was overwhelmed that here was a group of people who actually cared.  Most church ministers are criticised for doing too little.  For the first time in my career I was even told that if I needed a weekend off at any time, just let them know and they would sort everything out.  It was a pleasure to work alongside these lovely people who I now count as close friends.

I’d shared with the church elders why my marriage had broken down as I felt that I was accountable to them.  Members of the congregation knew nothing other than I was separated and as far as I know, no-one was gossiping or trying to pry into my circumstances.  Again, this was a rare experience with the Church.  Many church attendees love a juicy snippet of tittle-tattle.  This church was unique in that everyone attached to it really cared. They weren’t concerned with rumour, but were focussed on the mission of the church.

This was the happiest and most fulfilling time of my ministry and I felt released and able to be myself for once. 

A Twist of Fate

The decision to relocate me a good distance away from my children had solely come from one person, the denomination’s national leader.  My immediate leaders had all recommended that I stay in the diocese.  I had also provided a statement not only outlining my reasons for wishing to remain but also vowing that I would not cause any embarrassing or confrontational moments at any church event when both Sandra and I could be present.  Without showing any Christian compassion, concern or pastoral care, I was to be cast out of the district just like the scapegoat thrown out into the wilderness.    The only way I could overturn the National Church leader’s decision was to appeal to his line managers and so, with the full support of my bishop, I spent all of the Easter holidays working on my petition. My bishop had offered to advise my on the correct protocol to use.  Just before I was about to submit my request, my bishop contacted me to recommend that I delay my submission for a couple of days because he had heard some rumours relating to my impending appointment. 

Without my knowledge, some former parishioners of mine had formally raised a petition asking for me to stay in the diocese.  I was extremely stirred by their action.  The result was that the National leader who was not known for changing his mind, revoked his earlier decision and gave me a church within the same diocese.   At first I was particularly overjoyed  at being allowed to continue my vocation and stay within the diocese and more importantly, close by to my children.  However, as the euphoria wore off, I felt insulted for the church that I was appointed to had never had their own church minister and was usually one that was used to train inexperienced church ministers or those considering the ministry.  It was not used to having a minister of my experience.  It was as if the leader of the denomination was sending out a message saying you would have been better off leaving the diocese! 

Does God moves in a mysterious way as often quoted?  Some might say so with what happened next.  I prefer to say that fate suddenly intervened.  Sadly within the diocese, another church minister’s marriage broke down.  One might you think that marriages within the church never lasted.  This was extremely rare .  In nearly eighteen years, I had never known personally of any marital separations among my peers although occasionally I might hear of ministers facing matrimony difficulties.  Within a matter of months  my diocese suddenly had two break-ups within it.  

More importantly for me, it meant that there was another church within the diocese needing a minister and that church took priority over the one I had been assigned to.

As I took up the church leadership, I finally felt that I could finally be the minister I was meant to be when I first embarked on my vocation all those years ago.  The years with Sandra had destroyed my confidence, but I didn’t need to worry about her reactions now.   My new parishioners were very encouraging and supportive.  They seemed to appreciate my honesty and my work ethic.  I never tried selling a ‘pie in the sky when you die’ spiritually but spoke from my own personal experience with sincerity.   At long last I felt fulfilled in my calling and I didn’t need to hide behind a mask.