Male Victim Event Day at University of Central Lancashire

It was a real privilege to be asked to speak at the recent Male Victim Event Day organised by the University of Central Lancashire  (Preston, UK) and I was thrilled to be included alongside people who are making a real global difference in changing public perception about Domestic Violence.”

The keynote speaker was Dr Denise Hines of  Clark University, Massachusetts.   Dr Hines is the Principal Investigator on a series of studies investigating the physical and mental health of men who sustain partner violence from their female partners and seek help. The most recent of these studies also investigates the mental and physical health of child witnesses and is being supported by a grant from the National Institute on Child Health and Human Development (USA).  About two years ago, I discovered the work of Dr. Hines, emailed her and she kindly put me in touch with some UK academics who were involved with her in an international research project.  It was though the follow-up contact with Dr Louise Dixon and Dr. Niki Graham-Kevan that I was invited to speak. 

Another speaker was Ian McNicholl whose ex-girlfriend was imprisoned for seven years for grievous bodily harm for the injuries she inflicted on Mr McNicholl.  Ian McNicholl  was involved  in the development of the Coronation Street storyline featuring Tyrone Dobbs and gave the soap a great insight into male victims of domestic violence.  Again, the Coronation Street storyline has brought great help to many people and I was honoured to stand alongside both Dr Hines and Ian McNicholl.

Also on the schedule of speakers were: Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services)  and Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland)

Attached Photograph.  L-R Ian Young, Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services), Dr Niki Graham-Kevan ( Reader, University of Central Lancashire), Ian McNicholl (ManKind Initiative Patron), Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland) and Dr Denise Hines.

This is a transcription of my speech

I’m a survivor of female perpetrated Domestic Abuse which has severely impacted me and my children.  It took place during the course of my marriage which lasted 17 years.  Today would have been my 21^st wedding anniversary.  While it was happening, I felt that I had nowhere to turn nor could I speak to anyone about it.  I felt so alone.  It affected every area of my well-being.  When I finally was able to come out of the marriage, it was at great personal cost.  As part of my own healing, I began writing and blogging about my experience and was overwhelmed by others contacting me to say that they were in similar situations and felt so isolated.  This motivated me to campaign to raise greater awareness about Domestic Violence and how it affects men in particular. 

How the abuse started

1992 was a momentous year for me.  I got ordained as a church minister and six months after ordination, I got married.  Just before our wedding, my ex-wifes mother died,  Her  Father had died when she was 7.  She never spoke about her childhood.  There were a few things she told me that were lies, and had I known that then, it might have changed  the course of our relationship. However, I was in an environment where you believed or wanted to believe everything was true.

I saw no  worrying behavioural traits when we were courting, but once we married things changed.  The first strange thing I remember was an over-reaction to me pouring a glass of cola.  I hadn’t rinsed the glass properly, and soap suds were still in the glass causing the cola to fizz up uncontrollable.  She started shouting uncontrollably at me, calling me names and all sorts.  I remember thinking , what’s your problem its only a drink.  On its own, that probably sounds silly but other  patterns started to emerge.   Prior to going into the ministry, I worked in the city of London in the banking sector and the one luxury I allowed myself was having an expensive aftershave collection.  One day, without any provocation,  she poured all my aftershaves down the sink.  She also began smashing ornaments of sentiment value and something that she would repeat for years, she would pour cups of hot drinks I made over me and would  smash a dinner plate (with the dinner still on it ) over my head.

The excuses I made

My ex-wife wouldn’t seek any sort of help.  She wouldn’t even take a headache pill.  I’m not sure whether she even recognised she had a problem.  In my mind, I made excuses for her.  I told myself that she was grieving and this was her way of coping.  I didn’t recognise what was happening to me as Domestic Abuse.  I equated it with the ‘worst’ part of the ‘for better for worst, in sickness and in health’ wedding vows I made.  And then the children arrived, our first daughter was born in 1995, our second daughter in 1997 and our son in 1999.  Her violent behaviour continued towards me.   As well as making excuses about the bereavement, I added Post natal depression to my rationale .  In 2000, my ex-wife only sister died quite suddenly and this left her with no immediate family.   Around this period of time, I recall overhearing my bishop ( who was the person I should to with any problems) joking with a colleague about another couple where the wife was quite a dominant character and the husband appeared hen-packed.  Again, I remember thinking ‘There’s no way I can come to you and speak about the abuse I was experiencing because you clearly have no understanding and would treat it as a joke.’  Around this time, was the only time my ex-wife inflicted me  injuries that were visible.   I can’t remember the how, but I ended up with 2 long scratch marks on my face where the skin had been broken.  People probably knew that that’s what they were but no-one said anything.  I was asked what had happened, and I told people that I’d walked into a rose bush.  I also learnt that while my ex-wife was in an aggressive mood, there was nothing I could do that would placate it.  I never once retaliated.   In the early days, I would try and argue back but this just further ignited her anger.  And so, I just absorbed it and waited until her anger had burnt out.  Once it did and she was calm, I would try and challenge her behaviour saying that it was completely unreasonable.  I always got one of two responses:  either denial to what had just happen or she’d say, “you’re a man, you can cope with it.”  The children witnessed much of this, and afterwards I would also say to the children, “Your mum’s not well, but she doesn’t realise how ill she is, we all just have to try harder to help her.”

Why did I stay

So why did I stay?  First of all, I took my marriage vows seriously.   I was in a culture where divorce was frowned upon  and it would also become hard for me to remain a minister as a divorcee.  At that point in time, the church was my life’s vocation.  And then the children arrived.  The thought of being separated from my children was my biggest fear .  My ex-wife never showed any physical aggression towards the children, although she was very verbally aggressive toward our eldest daughter in particular.  While I was there, I felt that I was also protecting the children.  I felt I could leave.   No one would help me even if I said that I was a victim of DV.  I was unaware of any refuges for men – I was even unaware that men could be victims of DV, how could I explain that to anyone.  I also had nowhere to go nor any means of starting again.  My salary as a church minister wasn’t great and the house I lived in belonged to the church.  She also wanted a lifestyle that we couldn’t really afford.  But appeasing her and trying to avoid anything that might lead to an explosion  was all I was bothered about.   And so, to that end, I over claimed on my expenses from the church to pay for the treats she wanted. 

The realisation

In 2009, I was reaching breaking point and I started keeping a journal of the abuse I was experiencing.  As well as the current stuff, I wrote down the abuse that I could remember.  It shocked me as I read it back as I realised that there was a lot of stuff that had occurred that I’d forgotten.  It also hit me that my account sounded so horrific it was hard to believe, and yet it was my reality.  I’d run out of making excuses and was in a poor state, mentally , physically and emotionally.  There was also an incident with my son who was then 9 years old that helped me realise I was kidding myself.  There been another violent episode  during the week where two dinner plates (containing fish and chips) had been smashed over my head .  This happened in front of the children.  On the Sunday, after our meal, I was in the Kitchen washing the dishes and my son brought his plate through and then proceeded to throw his left-overs at me.  While I never reacted to my ex-wife doing this, I did to my son shouting at him and telling him off.   There was a look of total confusion on his face and it dawned on me that he was copying his mother’s behaviour thinking that it was acceptable behaviour.  Was I really protecting my children?  My ex-wife started another type of episode around this time.  One day , we were sitting watching TV, and she just announced , I don’t want you here anymore. ‘ She turned violent towards me  and my safest option was to retreat and sit in my car.  She won’t let me back in the house.  So eventually, I drove to my parents’ house who now only lived 4 miles away.  It was the first time I acknowledged that things were bad although I didn’t tell them everything.  They tried to persuade me to stay the night at theirs.  I felt I couldn’t so I went back home but my ex wouldn’t let me back in the house.  I returned to my parents.  The next day , I returned home.. “you’re back then” she said and then behaved as if nothing had happened.  Three months later, she acted in a similar manner, but this time she also threw my clothes and personal belongings out of the front door.  I think she believed that I would return the following day and we would all pretend that it had never happened.  I didn’t.  This time, I knew I just couldn’t go back.

The aftermath

I went to my parents.  This time I showed them my journal.  They were horrified,  I ended up  sleeping on their sofa for 6-7 weeks.   I tried to stay working as a minister.  Despite being presented with evidence of DV, they wanted to sweep it all under the carpet.  I still have a letter where senior leadership ‘strongly urged me to return to the family home and resolve the difficult issues in our marriage.’  Eventually, my own financial malpractice came to light – I held my hands up, resigned as a minister and paid the church back the money they claimed was missing.    They still took legal action and I ended up receiving a police caution which tends to deter prospective employers from taking me on.  The children’s well-being was my only concern now.  I found a house to rent nearby their school.  My 3 children had had enough to cope with so I didn’t want to put any additional pressure on them.  My two daughters needed to escape and came and live with me.  My son stayed with his mum.  I think he feels guilty about everyone else leaving .  I do worry about the ongoing impact on him, all I can do is to try and be there. 

Being a victim of DV resulted in me losing my life’s vocation, my home, many of former friends. The one thing I fought not to lose was my children.  They are all I was left with.  Now, my life’s vocation is speaking out and trying to raise better awareness about DV and the impact it has on us men and our children.

Ian's DV awareness campaign @SiVictim

http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/

The Men's Room - A support group for men affected by DV

www.facebook.com/groups/mensroommDVUK/

Police Record

When I was younger I used to joke that I had a police record. When faced with a respondent to the line I had just fed them, I would replied, “Yes, Every breath you take.”  In recent days, I have learnt to my cost that having a police record is no joke.  I’m not talking about the odd speeding ticket although I’ve been known to collect a few of those over the years.

After my embezzlement of church funds, I was originally informed that the matter would be reported to the police authorities.  When the debt was fully reimbursed immediately with the church receiving back far more money than was misappropriated, I was told that no further action was to be taken.

I began rebuilding my life as described in previous chapters of this blog.  Six months after settlement I was completely shocked when the police contacted me asking to interview me in relation to a referral they had received from the church.  The police officer that telephoned me arranged a time to collect me for the interview. 

Having never been in this position before, I didn’t know what to expect.  I was ready at the agreed time hoping for a fairly discreet visit from police.  However, a large Police Riot Van pulled up outside my house ad out stepped the officer.  I stepped out to greet him anticipating that we would drive straight away.  The police officer said he needed to speak to me before we left and asked to enter my home.  He entered and recited my rights.  It was very surreal to hear those words, “I’m arresting you on suspicion of….  You have the right to remain silent....Anything you may say may be used against you….”   I was stunned, I hadn’t expected this.  I had been informed that the matter had been dealt with to the church’s satisfaction and no further action was to be taken.  This was the last thing I imagined would happen.  

The police officer then informed me he had the legal right to search and seize any evidence in the house relating to the offence.  I immediately handed him a full set of personal bank statements.  I asked him if he knew of the sum of money involved, to which he answered that he had not been given that piece of information so I gave him the church’s audit report.  I also produced a letter from the church stating that the debt had been paid back in full.  “I didn’t know about this” he said, “This throws a completely different light on the situation.”  With my full co-operation in providing the required evidence, I was escorted to the Police Custody Suite for further questioning.

Everything was carried out in dignity.  The arresting officer informed the custody sergeant of the allegations.  The custody sergeant asked about any medical conditions and informed me of my entitlements and the procedures that would be followed whilst being held in police custody. 

I sat and waited until they were ready to interview me.  Other people were being brought into custody, some handcuffed, some had belts and shoelaces removed.  I had been told that I may have to hand over belt/shoelaces etc but it was a decision the custody sergeant would take depending on my co-operation. 

After a short wait, I was taken to an interview room where more police procedures were explained.  Two tapes went into a recording machine and the interview began.  I didn’t feel the need to request a lawyer’s presence and answered all questions as fully and honestly as I could admitting to the theft that had taken place.  After the interview had concluded, I was taken to another room to have my photograph, fingerprints and DNA taken. 

I had been surprised to see that tape cassettes were still being used to record police interviews but there was nothing old-fashioned about the fingerprint machine.  Virtually every aspect and angle of my hands were captured digitally.

I was escorted back to the custody desk where I waited the outcome.  The arresting officer consulted the custody officer and I was summoned over.  They had decided to bail me to appear back at the police station in three months time so that further evidence could be gathered.  The police needed to confirm with the church the validity of the letter I’d produced.  All possible outcomes were outlined to me.

The arresting office escorted me home.  He had apologised to me on the inward journey for the Riot Van explaining that it was the only vehicle available to him.  As we chatted on the homeward journey, he was kind enough to say to me that “in all his years in the job, I was the nicest person he had to arrest.”   I asked about making a disclosure to my employers and was advised to wait until the final outcome before I made any statement.

About two weeks later, at nine in the evening, I was sitting in my front room watching a film with my partner when we saw a plain white van stop immediately outside in the road.  The driver found a space further down the road and parked the vehicle.  Out stepped a different police officer who came to my house and explained that the police were prepared to issue me with a caution on this occasion.  I could sign and accept the caution or I could take my chance with the juridical system.  I signed, accepting the caution not really noticing the caution offence which could have been fraud, theft or something else.  I just wanted an end to this sorry episode of my life and move forward.   The police officer informed me that as far as they were concerned, this was now the end of the matter unless I got into further trouble.  Maybe now, I could put everything behind me.

Integrity

Just as I was finally becoming stable in all areas of my life, my past caught up with me and everything came crashing down once again.  In attempting to keep Sandra happy during the last years of the marriage, I’d over claimed on my expenses from the church and used the additional money to fund family trips and holidays.  Had I been in the right frame of mind at that time I would never have even contemplated such action. I was summoned to the diocese offices and asked about a couple of cheques I had written a few years beforehand.  I was completely dumbstruck when confronted with the evidence.  I had blocked out my behaviour and could not offer any reasonable explanation.  The bishop advised me that whatever the outcome ‘the Integrity of the Church will not be compromised.’ 

This was a phrase I’d heard ten years previously from a former Bishop who used it on that occasion when an investigation into church activities was taking place.  I suspect that it is a line given to Bishops to pass on in disciplinary scenarios.  On both instances when I heard it, I interpreted it as a thinly-veiled threat that if I was guilty in any way or shape or form I was on my own.

On the first occasion, I was involved in an investigation against a volunteer worker within the church.  When arrested, the volunteer made counter accusations which were quickly disregarded as being without any substance.  This was a deeply harrowing time.  Many people were affected by the allegations and I could not explain what was happening for fear of compromising the investigation.   When I tried to speak to Sandra in the privacy of our home about the situation, she did not want to know and so I had to carry this great burden alone.  Once the church was satisfied that they had not been implicated as an organisation, they withdrew all forms of support.  No one ever spoke to me afterwards about the impact this distressing case had on me.  I am convinced though that had I been involved, I would have been completely ostracised. 

However the second time I was informed about the integrity of the church being protected, I was guilty.  I admitted that I had used church funds without permission and while questions were being asked of my conduct, I was also told that I would be given some time off work.  However as this was the week leading up to Easter, the decision was delayed until afterwards so that the church leadership did not have to find a replacement to cover my services.

I approached the Easter Sunday service knowing full well that it could be the last church service I conducted.  The Christian message of Easter concerns forgiveness and I recall making some mention of forgiveness during the service.   During the week that followed, I was interviewed and questioned about the events of a few years before by a senior churchman.  This man wasn’t even at my Easter Sunday Service and yet in his interrogation of me actually referred to me speaking about forgiveness. I was absolutely shocked, talk about Big Brother watching you.   Moreover, I was horrified about my past deeds and decided I only had one course of action and that was to resign as a church minister.

 

Temptations that Church Ministers face

Church ministers face many temptations.  Some fall victim to them.  Many of those temptations remain secret and hidden.  Many church ministers’ misdemeanours are swept under the carpet and buried.  The most unchristian behaviour can be completely overlooked and ignored.  Many aspects of sexual impropriety end up being dealt with internally.   

There are two types however that seem to be unforgivable.

Stories of church ministers who have had affairs are commonplace.   If a church minister has an illicit affair with a parishioner, church congregations are notorious for speculating over the lurid details and perhaps this says more about those spreading rumours.  No consideration is giving as to what pressures may have led that church minister towards someone else.  He is automatically the guilty party and no real understanding is shown.  Often, the minister will end up losing his job.

The second types of temptation are financial misconduct.  Sometimes, with the low level of stipend and financial pressure the temptation proves too great.  Faced with increasing debt due  to Sandra’s demands to live beyond our budget, I succumbed to this temptation.  I’m deeply ashamed of what I did and the church was more than adequately reimbursed.  I still don’t know why I did it.  This action was something I did and then blocked out from my memory.   In a way, it was just another item to block out in order to survive daily.  Hindsight is a wonderful gift and I believe that my over claiming of personal expenses was some form on subconscious attempt to cry out for help.  The only problem was that no one heard or recognised those cries.  The churches own financial controls which should have identified the erroneous expenditure was pitiable and I still had no way of unburdening myself of the abuse I was experiencing. 

Although by now, I was in a fragile state of mind, I fully acknowledge that these actions were wrong.  I have accepted responsibility for them and sought to make restitution.

Sadly, I know I wasn’t the first church minister to fall this way and I won’t be the last.

The four most stressful things in life

In one pastoral interview, our bishop suggested two scenarios for our next church appointment;   either we stayed working together as a husband and wife leadership team in another diocese which could be anywhere in the country or we stayed in the same diocese with Sandra assuming the role of church minister for a smaller congregation and with myself working mainly around the whole district of the diocese during weekdays but supporting Sandra at her church on Sundays.

Sandra wanted us to remain working together as a joint ministry team as she did not want the responsibility of running a church.  I, however, needed the second option.  I saw an opportunity for spending the daytime completely away from Sandra.  However, I knew that it would mean I would also have to cover for Sandra, effectively running the smaller church myself as well as undertaking my diocese duties.   I also had a second personal reason for wanting to stay in this area, my parents were approaching their retirement and had expressed their desire to relocate into this same area.   All through my years of ministry my parents had lived over a hundred miles away and now there was an opportunity for me to be closer by. Not only would it be good for my children to see their grandparents regularly, but it would be beneficial to me and my own sense of well-being.

What was our seventh move in fourteen years become eight house moves in fifteen for the manse that we were allocated was too small to house a growing family.  Moving house is considered one of the top four most stressful things in life.  Not many people would be able to claim moving house eight times in such a short period.  Included in that top five list of life stressors is work/ changing jobs and relationship problems.  No wonder I felt stressed!  The mask of pretence was starting to slip as these hidden stresses continued to make their mark on my mental health. 

The cycle of abuse continued in stages.   The verbal abuse was constant, while physical attacks were sporadic.   Post natal depression could no long be used as an excuse.  We only received a basic church stipend and we struggled like most families with young children financially. Unlike some families, we had no way of supplementing our income.  The church had made it clear that if any external monetary remuneration was received by a minister it was to be paid to the church.  Furthermore the church encouraged the principle of tithing, which is the practise of donating ten per cent of one’s income to the church.   Church ministers taught this to their congregations and were expected to lead by example in their personal giving to the local church. 

Sandra had decided that the children were now at an age to enjoy holidays similar to those that their more affluent friends enjoyed.  I argued that we did not receive enough income to afford such holidays, but once Sandra had set her mind on something she would not listen to anyone else.  She would book holidays then ask for money to settle the account at the Travel Agents.  The fourth most stressful factor reared its head: Debt.