Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while.  As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse.   I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions.  There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.  

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with.  I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such.  In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse.   Other men have said similar to me.  Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women?  Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH.  Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence.  They will make excuses.  Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.  

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions.  It always someone else’s fault.  If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.  

The media contributes to this.  Read all the news reports from the courts.  If a man is in court, there’s no leniency.  If a woman is tried for a crime  9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it.  If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction.  The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting?  Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’.  A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner.  She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence.  I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference. 

But this highlights the difference in my eyes.   In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions. 

Listen Up

Part of the feedback I received from my last blog http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/its-good-to-talk.html was ‘ when we (men) have spoken out, we are not believed or listened too.’

Men and boys aren’t encouraged to speak out or talk about their problems or issues.  As a man speaking out, I have been described on numerous occasion as ‘being brave.’  To be honest, I don’t see myself as such however I do feel strongly that injustices should be identified and addressed.  If we remain silent, how can anything be done?

It is true, though, that some attempts by men/boys are met with ridicule.  In the past this would also be true for women, but no one would dare to belittle the female gender.

Men haven’t been good at speaking out about the issues that deeply affect and trouble them.  This may be because from an early age, we are conditioned to grin and bear it.  Take for example, the way parents generally deal with crying children:

Little Emily cries.” What’s wrong, dear?”  Emily then has the opportunity to speak and be heard.

Little John cries.  “Stop crying…Big boys don’t cry..”     Poor John then learns early in life that no-one really wants to listen to him share his concerns.  He then goes through life being unable to speak out.

As a victim of Domestic Victim, I felt I couldn’t speak out about what was happening to me because no body would believe me. 

As a man, I also know that I don’t visit my Doctor as often as I do.  The few occasions when I have made an appointment, my opening statement has either been, “Sorry to waste your time, but my partner said I should see you about this,”  or “It’s probably nothing but…”

It has been long established that men are less likely to visit their Doctors and often by the time they receive a diagnosis, effective treatment may no longer be available.  This is one contributory factor to why men on average die at a younger age than women.

So today’s message is Listen Up to anyone speaking out, they may be saying something worthwhile!

It's Good to Talk

When I first began writing about Men’s Issues I adopted a non de plume, Si Victim.   This pseudonym was short for Silent Victim which reflected the way I had felt about enduring over 17 years of Domestic Abuse.

As a battered husband, I had nowhere to turn nor was there anyone I could speak to because wives just weren’t capable of attacking their partners.  It was unheard of!  I knew of no other man in my position.  Remaining silent effected every area of my life and everyday I remain on this earth, so to will the consequences of those years.

Having finally left the situation, I began rebuilding my life.  I discover that what had happened to me wasn’t as rare as I’d thought.  In fact, it was far more common than society would have you believe.  According to the latest figures from the British Crime Survey, out of every five Domestic Violence victims, two will be men.  Even more startling is the revelation that this is not a new development; Academic research over the last 40 years has consistently produced similar figures.

And yet, government funding for Domestic Abuse programmes has ignored the data choosing instead to bankroll the Feminist myth that all domestic violence assaults are due to male privilege. 

At least now, there is an acceptance among most Domestic Abuse service providers that men are affected by DV and they may now offer a ‘token’ service to Male Victims. Take, for example, this recent experience of mine.  I telephoned a local, well-advertised Domestic Abuse helpline.  On their publicity, there was no statement identifying that it was a gender-specific service.  Admittedly the cartoon of a cowering woman that accompanied the phone number would infer that it was. 

The first time I called, I went to voicemail and was asked to leave my name and number and an advisor would call me back.  I found this quite insensitive as most callers would be fearful about their personal safety and wouldn’t want to leave such details when their abuser could potentially intercept the call.  Minutes later, I tried again.  This time my call was answered.  I gave a brief summary of my story to be greeted with, “ We don’t deal with men, we only talk with women that are being abused by men.  I will have to refer you elsewhere.”

After holding on the line, I was given two telephone numbers: The Mankind Initiative 01823 334244 and the Men’s Advice Line  0808 802 4040.

No doubt about it had I been female, all manner of support would have been offered to me.

In November 2010, the Home Office published the strategy paper, ‘Call to end violence against women and girls’, setting out its approach for tackling domestic violence over the Parliament. This included £28 million funding for domestic violence support services.

That’s right £ 28,000,000 funding and all men really have are telephone helplines.

I have been speaking to many people (Councillors, Police & Crime Commissioners, Police Officers, Domestic Violence Prevention Officers etc) challenging this.  I keep hearing the same things:

“We know that men are victims too but…”

“Very few men engage with us.”

“You’re one of the few male victims prepared to talk about your experience.”

Having spoken at length on the lack of provision for services to men, I have come to the conclusion service aren’t provided for men because men don’t  speak out about their issues or seek the support/help they require/need.  This applies not just to Domestic Violence, but right across the spectrum of all men’s issues (such as health, education). 

On the whole, men don’t talk about their problems.  However, by remaining silent and not identifying our suffering, those areas which require service provision go unchallenged and are not addressed properly.

How can we change things?  A starting point is changing perception as to what it means to be a man.  When I look back at my childhood, we heard things like “Boys don’t cry” “Be a big, brave boy for mummy,” “Be a Man”  Such statements ‘encouraged’ us that we had to be tough, we couldn’t show any emotion because that was a sign of weakness, that we dealt with our own problems. 

We take these lessons into adulthood.  Men get mocked for suffering from Man Flu and yet, are very reluctant to visit their Doctors.  A visit to the GP’s surgery for a man is probably out of necessity.  Often, when asked by the GP why they have asked for an appointment, a man will reply, “It’s probably nothing but…” or “ I don’t mean to waste your time but my wife said I should get this checked out.” and then they discover that had they sought an earlier diagnosis, they would have been able for a better chance of recovery.

It’s good to talk and the sooner men learn to talk about the issues that affect us, the better services to men will become. Our inability to address our anxieties results in funding and services going elsewhere. 

Child or Parent Support?

Money Demands.

It’s a sad indictment on British society when someone is better off financially not work than trying to earn their keep and not be a burden to the tax payer. 

To my own personal experience, I have found this to be true and not a urban myth.  Were I to claim Jobseekers Allowance, I would be ‘passported’ to other benefit entitlements.  However, as a low-income father, I have no eligibility to financial assistance.  Indeed, after receiving a 17 page letter from the Benefit office, the only thing I learnt was that I would be financially better off sitting at home doing nothing. 

At least, being employment does give me a sense of purpose that I lost during my spells of unemployment.  But is it right that I’m penalised for trying to make an effort to improve my lot in life?

While trying to gasp my own situation, the actress Halle Berry is reported as having some money troubles of her own.    Allegedly, she pays a monthly child support amount of $ 16,000 to her ex-partner and wants this reduced to $ 3,000 because she feels that her ex partner has been living entirely off of this payment.

She may have a point.  The feel she reputedly feels is the way that many fathers feel.  And yet, no one listens to the voice of the fathers. 

I have had dealings with the Child Support Agency here in Britain.  I have found their approach very heavy-handed when they saw me as a ‘deadbeat father.’  

Their modus operandi is to issue you with a strongly-toned letter demanding that you reply in 5 days otherwise face possible legal action.  However, they are not as prompt should you wish/seek any input from them.

Initially, my ex and I agreed a private maintenance plan, but when she realised she could squeeze more money out of me, she decided on taking a non-negotiable approach via the Child Support Agency.   They assessed my income, but not my expenditure even ignoring outgoings that were related to my children.  Their assessment of what they felt I should pay my ex-wife was the majority of my wage, leaving me without enough to cover the basic bills such as rent.

For most families I know, it is a struggle. Often, both parents have to work and it isn’t easy.  But, a separated mother becomes far more accessible to a whole range of benefits and although some may be ‘means-tested,’ any child support payments aren’t included.    Child Support should be remained because often the last person supported by this payment is the child itself!

In Denial

I was challenged to write a blog about men making false allegation of Domestic Violence.  In fact, men are reluctant to make any sort of accusations for fear of not being believed.  The person who issued the challenge had taken offence at something I had written.  However, rather that debate a differing viewpoint, she took to verbally insulting me instead in a very aggressive manner.

What I did discover was a report following a review by the Crown Prosecution Service that such allegations are extremely rare:

http://metro.co.uk/2013/03/13/false-rape-and-domestic-violence-allegations-extremely-rare-3539568/

Appearing today in my newsfeed was a story about a businesswoman who brutally murdered her 8 year old son.  Bizarrely, her defence argued that the reason she killed was due to some accusations she made against two ex-partners.  There was no evidence to substantiate such claims.  In other words she was making false allegations against two men

http://edition.cnn.com/2014/09/13/justice/new-york-autistic-death-trial/

Some women’s organisations will grudgingly acknowledge that men can claim to experience Domestic Violence, but will then claim that a male victim is really a perpetrator. There is no evidence to support this claim, rather it is another smokescreen to hide the real truth.

Women, as well as men, can be violent in relationships.  This is nothing new.  Back in 1971, Erin Pizzey opened the first Refuge (Shelter) and discovered that of the first 100 women to enter, 60% were as violent or even more violent than the men they were claiming to flee from. 

http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/domestic-violence-industry/refuting-40-years-of-lies-about-violence/

Pizzey has been the subject of death threats and boycotts because of her research into the claim that most domestic violence is reciprocal, and that women are equally as capable of violence as men. Pizzey has said that the threats were from militant feminists.

Such claims have been consistent with academic studies taken all throughout the last 40 years including PASK 2012

Partner Abuse State of Knowledge Project (PASK) 2012 reveals the following:

The majority of Domestic Violence incidents is mutual – that is where both parties fight each other.

Population Surveys : 57.9%

Community Samples 59.6%

School & College samples 51.9%

Female oriented clinical samples 72.3%

Between 51.9% - 59.6% are mutual Domestic Violence situations. The big surprise is the figure of 72.3% which comes from clinical samples from Lesbian relationships.

In other words, the highest incidents of domestic violence have been found in lesbian relationships!!1

So what about scenarios where there is no reciprocal violence? PASK also asks that question.

The figures for Male assaults against female (non-mutual IPV) are:

Population Surveys : 13.8%

Community Samples 17.5%

School & College samples 16.2%

Perhaps surprisingly the figures for Female assaults against male (non-mutual IPV) are:

Population Surveys : 28.3%

Community Samples 22.9%

School & College samples 31.9%

Notice how woman are twice as likely to attack a male partner, than a male assault a woman without any reciprocal action.

And yet, society is still by large disbelieving about women aggressors.

I feel that many women remain in denial about their violent behaviour towards partners or ex-partners.  My ex certainly is even now.  Our children have challenged her about the assaults on me that THEY witnessed.  They saw her hit me, pour hot drinks over me and smash dinner plates (with food still on them) over my head.  And yet, she wasn’t violent!  She will admit to being a little clumsy and dropping things, but remains in denial about more severe deliberate violent acts.  I have also spoken with women who have eventually admitted hitting their partner.

For men when they hit a partner, there is no hiding place when reported or witnessed.  Some women though, remain in denial.  They believe that they can strike their partner because the partner is male therefore it doesn’t really hurt or their emotional/hormonal condition allows them to behave in such a way etc.  They think that because society doesn’t want to recognise that women can act in such fashion that they can deny they have anger issues or violent tendencies.  After all, no man will want to claim that their female partner is abusive to them, will they.  And even if the male is brave enough to speak out, who will believe him?  They can deny it and remain in denial about their own problems.

Offensive?

I got more reaction from my last blog than any other.  I was told it was offensive.  I was accused of making Domestic Violence gender-specific when it isn’t.  I was called sexist and a narcissist.  All my attackers were female. 

I found the charge of making Domestic Violence gender-specific quite ironic because regular readers will know that I find all violence abhorrent and I often state that there is never any excuse for any form of abuse, irrespective of gender.  What I do campaign about and highlight through this blog (and my own personal story)  is the inequality and the gender-bias way in which Domestic abuse is viewed by society.  The way in which it is reported suggests that men are always the aggressors and women the victims.  The truth, however, is different and that is what I try to show.  Men and Women can be Domestic Violence perpetrators and both genders can also be victims.  It is not a Gender issue, but was made one by the women’s movement (who continue to perpetuate this myth) and too many people are either too miss-informed or afraid to challenge this misperception. 

Blogging is about sharing your story and opinion.  Our opinions are often influenced by our own personal experiences.   If you choose to read my blog, I thank you sincerely.  You may agree with what I write.  You might disagree and have a different opinion.  You also have complete freedom to express whatever opinion you hold. I respect that and dialogue is always good in sharing different viewpoints.  Where I draw the line is when it becomes personal.  No-body has the right to insult another person.  I may not agree, but I can accept another’s opinion.  What is unacceptable is personal attacks because someone has a different view or opinion.  Hang on a minute, isn’t that how all conflicts and wars begin?  

So what caused such controversy?  I happened to post about a local young woman who made AND admitted to making false domestic violence allegations against her male ex-partner.  Such a story couldn’t be refuted as it was there in black and white.  What caused such offence was my comment that the leniency shown by the Judge wouldn’t have been the same had the wrongdoer been male.  How could I suggest such a thing? 

Making like for like comparisons in case is never easy, but several different stories appeared on my news feed today.

·         2 young women launch an unprovoked attack on a 77 year old  blind male bus passenger.

Punishment:  2 months suspender prison sentence

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/world-news/watch-sickening-attack-female-yobs-4281706

·         Female social worker admits falsely accusing Father of Child Abuse

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2720414/Why-I-falsely-accused-father-abusing-daughter-Police-leant-stand-claim-social-worker-told-tribunal.html

·         Judges are ‘ordered’ to be more lenient when sentencing female criminals

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1311004/Judges-ordered-mercy-women-criminals-deciding-sentences.html

So I caused offence when suggesting that women are possible of making false accusations and yet another example in reported.  My comments about judgement leniency caused outrage and yet, it is reported, judges have been instructed to make such rulings.

Trying to find  a like for like case, the closest I could find was a 78 year old Asian lady attacked by a 31 year old male.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1311004/Judges-ordered-mercy-women-criminals-deciding-sentences.html

The 31-year-old was arrested on suspicion of racially aggravated criminal damage, racially aggravated common assault and racially aggravated intentional harassment.  I couldn’t find the outcome of sentencing, but if this man was found guilty I doubt he would have been given a paltry two months suspender prison sentence.  He would have had the book thrown at him and rightly so. And just to re-address the balance, I can’t find any examples of men being arrested after making false domestic violence allegations.

All abuse and violence is wrong.  Those found guilty of such crimes should be punished equally.  Part of the punishment for incarcerated men is separation from family especially their children.  They are told that they should have thought about the impact on their children before they committed whatever the offence may have been.  Surely, the same incentive should be used in trying to deter women from committing crime too?  Instead, because they do have children they hope for leniency and a lighter sentence.  If you do the crime, you should be prepared to do the time.   

False Accusations

I’m not usually over enamoured with the effects and understanding shown about Domestic Violence issues by my local Police Force.  However, a report in the Nottingham Post of 9^th September 2014 shows that perhaps things are changing.

 In the report entitled “Woman’s lies got her ex-partner arrested, “ the account tells how

“Pregnant Amy Whitham’s ex-partner was arrested after she falsely claimed he was going to arrange to “have her head kicked in,” a court heard.”

Obviously the Police have a duty to investigate such allegations. I do wonder whether they would have treated the accusation with the same enthusiasm though had the complainant been the male ex-partner!  I doubt it.

However, the report continues:

“He was arrested and questioned by detectives, Notting Crown Court heard.  But police soon established that the only person sending the messages was Whitham – through an e-mail account she had set up in his name.  Yesterday Whitham was sentenced for perverting the course of justice – on the strength of her making the false witness statement to police last November.”

So well done Nottingham Police for charging this woman.  What sentence did she receive?  To continue quoting the report:

“Judge James Sampson decided not to send Whitham into custody because she has two young children to care for and is expecting a third.  “As a mark of compassion, I’m prepared to suspend this sentence,” he told her.

Again, I ask ‘Would such compassion have been shown to her ex-partner?’  Probably not.  We all know that should he have been charged with the false allegation, he would have received a custodial sentence.

Further more, why do Judges be far more lenient on women criminals when well-known documentary evidence exists that states that young children are more at risk from harm in the care of mothers than fathers?  

Women such as Amy Whitham who think nothing of making false accusations against partners actually make it far more difficult for real victims to speak out and be heard, irrespective of gender.

Why did she do it?  To quote the report again, “No reasons were given at the hearing about why Whitham made up the claims.”

Now that’s a real surprise isn’t it?   I can tell you exactly why.   Whitham was on a revenge mission and wanting to hurt her former partner.  What easier way than to make up such allegations?   Women like Whitham know the climate is such that once she’d made her statement, her ex-partner would be seen as ‘guilty, until proven innocent.’  Fortunately, in this case, his innocence could be proved.  I have also heard of divorce settlements where Lawyers have encouraged the woman to make an accusation of domestic abuse in order to secure both a bigger alimony and residence of children.  This has been in relationships where there has been no record or evidence of abuse, no investigation of the allegations carried out, and yet the mere mention of being seen to be a victim of domestic violence has resulted in the desired financial reward.

The whole system needs an overhaul so that the practise of making false allegations stops completely.

Justification?

A report appeared in my local newspaper that  led to  an online discussion about the nature of Domestic Violence where a 32 year old woman admitted she assaulted her partner by throwing a garden spiked candle-holder at him.  The third throw hit him causing a two inch cut.   It was good to see that a man felt he could press charges, although it was actually the man’s mother who reported the crime.  Good on her I say.

Anyhow, what annoyed me was the punishment dished out to the woman.   She got a community order which included 14 sessions at the local women's centre.    What are they going to teach her there ??? That she was really the victim as men are to blame for everything? Will they help her improve her aim so that next time it only takes her one attempt to hit her target???? Absolutely unbelievable.

Expressing this view led to some comments that seemed to want to justify the woman’s actions.  He must have deserved it, he had it coming, he must have provoked her, it must have been self-defence etc.  When excessive force is used however, it can’t be self-defence, more a case of mutual violence.

And yet, were the gender roles reversed, no-one would try and justify such action.  It would be wrong because he was a nasty man attacking an innocent woman.  He certainly would not have got a community order punishment which included 14 sessions at a local men’s centre.  Dare I say it, his punishment most likely would have been at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. 

I’ve encountered such attitudes before, and I have to say that strangely enough, its women who will try to justify the actions of another violent woman.  It’s as if they can’t accept that women can be as violent as men,  and so there has to be some rationale behind the assault.

There is NEVER any justification for any form of domestic  violence.  There is no excuse for domestic abuse. 

Please don’t try to justify any one else’s violence.  They may be ill, they may need help etc, but that is NO EXCUSE EVER.  Think about it next time, any assault is verbally indefensible. 

Jobs for the Girls

It’s taken me awhile to write this as I became quite despondent about the Domestic Violence Support Service providers.  Previous posts had expressed a hope that there was a sea of change, that the policy makers were beginning to recognise that Domestic Violence is NOT a Gender-specific crime, but a crime perpetrated by males and females with members of both genders also victims. 

Local councils could help to affect change but I have now learnt that our elected representatives may try and introduce new policies, but their successful implementation depend on the local authorities’ paid staff who may also have their own agenda.

Sometime ago, I met with my local council and received assurances that, following our meeting, they would be more gender-inclusive in their support services.  My optimism was further fuelled when my local newspaper approached me for my opinion when they’d received word that my local council would be creating a job that would be reaching out to male victims of domestic violence.

So what happened?  For a long time, the job wasn’t advertised anywhere.  I contacted the chairman of the council to ask why and he informed me that the role would be an internal appointment.  He also kindly said that should no internal candidate be found, then the job vacancy would be opened up to all.  If that happened, he would let me know and true to his word, a month later he did just that.

I applied, but this is not the rant of someone who missed out.  I was disappointed I admit not even to be called for an interview.  When the selection period had passed me by, I contacted the council and asked for feedback as to why my application wasn’t considered.

I heard….nothing.   It took me several requests and five months later, I finally received the feedback I’d asked for.  In fact, by this time, I’d learnt that the job had gone to a long-term council employee with many years in administration but no experience of Domestic Violence.  My requests to the Human Resources Department for feedback where constantly ignored.  It was only when I contacted the councillor who I originally met that the paid staff sprang into action.  Within half an hour of speaking to my contact, I’d got a response at last.

As ‘including men’ had been a key part of the advertised job specification, I also asked how this was being developed.  Of course, I didn’t get any straight answers.  The Feedback received was the standardised . We received applications from many highly-qualified candidates who unfortunately did not meet the internal criteria set by the council.’ 

As for services for men,  ‘We are networking with all stakeholders to provide best service.’  Seeing no men’s group or support services existed in the group of stakeholders, forget it – it’s a case of same old, same old.

There are many fields where the male gender is underrepresented, but everyone is afraid to acknowledge this.  Industries that are male-dominated are frowned upon and we often hear of political parties having female-only shortlists in order to produce another female MP for that constituency.  I believe that balance is best in all fields as men and women have separate natural skills and giftings with both sets required for well-being. 

Good male role-models are required but where do you find them?  Not in schools, where the majority of staff are female.  In this fatherless age, imagine the societal impact if there were more positive male role-models in our schools.  The care industry is predominantly female.  There is a need for more male workers, it is not healthy for service users.

The same goes for the counselling industry.  More balance needs to be found.  I have been training as a counsellor.  I ended up being the only man in the classroom.  On a couple of occasions, I was absent.  On my return, one of my peers said to me, “I’m glad you’re here today.  The class is always a lot calmer when you’re here.” 

There may be areas that require more female staff, but the same is true but never spoken about for men.  It’s all about Gender Balance.

Stereotypes

I'm currently studying to be a Counsellor.  A huge proportion of my time in the last couple of months has been taken up considering prejudices and stereotypes.  A good counsellor needs to be aware of biased generalizations and aware of their own prejudices so that these don't impact the counselling relationship.

Many of the stereotypes we considered focused around religion, ethnicity, national tribalism, economy/social class, appearance, sexual orientation.  I did bring to the table my views about Gender stereotypes and I must admit, I have been rather absorbed about how I see Gender stereotypes played out all around me.

One of the first Nursery Rhymes I recall hearing was this one:

What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Slugs and snails
And puppy-dogs' tails,
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And everything nice,
That's what little girls are made of.

What message does this conveys?   Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice.  Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad.  

Boy spelt backwards is YOB - a well-used term to describe a thuggish or uncouth person.   Thuggish behaviour is often also described as Laddish behaviour, but never Lassish behaviour.  Irrespective of the gender of adolescents behaving badly, the adjectives used to describe bad actions imply the male gender (yob/ laddish).  

This further ingrains the message into the subconscious that  girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice while boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad.  

This badness is seemly equated with a macho stereotype that suggests therefore all males must be aggressive and society exploits this to their advantage but moans when it goes wrong. Boys don't cry or are not expected to cry.  When boys cry they are told, "Don't be a baby/girl...only girls cry."   It's not cool to show your emotions so be a man, grow some balls, Man up etc.    Is it true that only girls cry when they are hurt?  Boys hurt just the same but are expected to appear to be tougher.  The older we get, the more absorbent we are suppose to be especially if the one causing us pain is our partner,  "You're a man, you can cope." or the insult often directed at men in a domestic agreement, " You're not a real man because...(Insert your failure to meet the male stereotype of your partner).

And so it continues...Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice.  Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad.  ..

If the relationship ends, the majority always assume it's because the male has done something bad.   ... .Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice.  Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad.  ..
There are many examples of experiments where couples have a public row.  No one ever questions or challenges when they see a woman striking her male partner.  However, everyone is horrified and motivated to take action.  when they see a male hit a woman.  Those asked why they didn't bat an eyelid when the woman was assailant respond with statements such as "we assume she'd caught him cheating" "we thought you go girl - good for you!"  

And so it continues...Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice.  Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad.  ..

The custody of children then comes before a judge AND because girls are good/boys are bad, the mother always gets custody.     There are exemptions to this, but they are extremely rare.

For some vulnerable children, granting custody is the worst possible decision.  I'd never given this any thought until I heard Erin Pizzey ( founder of Women's Aid and the refuge/shelter movement) comment that the biggest risk to children was their mothers as far more mums kill their children than fathers.  The next largest group to murder their children was the mother's new partner.  And yet, we see girls as good and boys as bad.

This week was a really tragic week as I noticed numerous stories in  the national media (sadly all giving credence to Erin's point):

East Belfast incident:Mother arrested as baby critical - BBC News Website 8th March 2014 

Young mum slammed for giving 12 year old a bottle of VODKA at sleepover - 7th March 2014  

Toddler. 2 died after drinking heroin substitute methadone 'given to her to keep her quiet' - 7th March 2014

Mum admits drowning baby daughter - Nottingham Post 6th March 2014

What little boys made of?  What are little girls made of?   We are all actually made of the same stuff so it's time to cast away the stereotypes that wrongly influence policies.   Girls can be nice, but so can boys.  Boys can be horrid, but so to can girls.  

However, because the powers that be maintain that girls are good while boys are bad, there is an abundance of support packages to help women.  Indeed in all the cases i cited above, the women committed those crimes NOT because they were 'BAD' (how could they be bad as they're female???) but because they were ill.   When men are guilty of crime, it's because they are deemed BAD rather than ill.   And what support is offered for men who face dire straits?  Very little. Devoid of any service to seek help and assistance from with all hope gone, 12 men a  day take their own live in the UK.  Nobody cares because they're male, because 'all men are bastards/bad.'

Any abuse is wrong and is not restricted to gender.  I long for the day when all domestic violence support services STOP being influenced by the gender specific nonsense that prevails   recognizing that victims are male, female and transgender (not just female) and acknowledging that perpetrators can be female, male and transgender ( not just male).

  

Even More Gender-Biased approaches

There recently appeared in a national Christian magazine an article on Domestic Violence.    I was pleased to see this issue being raised however, I was rather concerned with way in which some statistical data was presented as it implied that all DV perpetrators are men and that very few men experience domestic abuse themselves.  I did challenge this with both the author and the magazine’s editor and presented the real evidence arguing that Domestic Violence is not a Gender-specified  crime.  The editor informed me that they would use my feedback.  To date as far as I’m aware, nothing has appeared.

Last week, my regional newspaper reported on a fund-raising event held by a local Domestic Violence charity.   This charity’s target audience is women and children only.  Their website pays a token acknowledge to male victims, but the main emphasis is offering services to women and children.  They offer ‘training’ too using the Freedom programme.  If you’re unsure what the Freedom programme consists of , this is the explanation of what you can except:

The Freedom Programme is for any woman who wishes to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse.

The aims of the Freedom Programme are:

 To help women understand the beliefs held by abusive men and in so doing, recognise which of these beliefs they have shared

 To illustrate the effects of domestic violence on children

 To assist women to recognise potential future abusers

To help women gain self-esteem and the confidence to improve the quality of their lives

To introduce women to community resources such as Women’s Aid, the Police Domestic Violence Unit, The Rape and Sexual Abuse Centre, local Colleges etc.

Hardly, a Gender-Neutral approach to Domestic Violence then!!!

What concerned me about the report was mention that this local charity is responsible for training 4,000 police and professionals a year in the Nottinghamshire area.  Being trained in such a biased manner can not be good for Domestic Violence prevention and restorative services.  I posted an online comment making such a point.  I also addressed my viewpoint to the Letters page, which strangely wasn’t published. 

I decided too, to take up this issue with the local Police Commissioner.  This is what I expressed:

Dear Mr *****,

I was deeply concerned to read that XXXXXXXXX  are responsible for training 4,000 police officers and professionals a year to spot and help prevent domestic abuse in 25th November 2013 edition of the XXXXXXXX.   XXXXXXXX  are a gender-specific charity and offer a biased approach to domestic abuse prevention.  Little wonder that the problem of domestic abuse is spiralling out of control when inappropriate training is being given.

Equation does not address the fact that 1 in 6 men will also experience domestic violence and that 60% of domestic violence incidents are mutual with the female partner being the greater aggressor.

Domestic violence is a complex issue and the training given should be more representative of a Gender-neutral approach. 

Yours sincerely,

I received the following reply:

One of my key objectives is to protect, support and respond to victims, witnesses and vulnerable people, without favour to either gender.

I do fully appreciate that domestic abuse is not confined to women being abused by male partners, although it is a fact that one in four women will be a victim of domestic abuse at some point in their lives. 

But no-one should be a victim of domestic abuse and we are all working with partners to both reduce reoffending and offer support to those at risk of this type of behaviour.

I subsequently replied:

It is also a fact that 1 in 6 men will be a victim of domestic abuse at some point in their lives and this is not being addressed because many of the agencies involved refuse to acknowledge this, casting men as batterers and women as victims.  There has been research available for the last 40 years to reinforce this truth.  I am in contact with leading global academic researchers (who all happen to be female) who are continuing fighting to improve DV services and get the message out that DV isn’t the gender issue its portrayed as being.  I'd love to help our county move away from the Patriarchy influence that inhibits its services and would be willing to discuss this at greater length with you and/or your team.  Best regards,

The next day, a news story broke where a famous female TV presenter was charged and received a police caution for common assault on her husband.  By accepting a police caution, one admits their guilt.  Strangely enough, the story has appeared in the media with little other comment.   This gave me one last chance to try and get the message across to the Police Comissioner:

Just to give credence to my last post, I'm sure that its not escaped your notice that XXXXXX. the TV presenter has just been charged with common assault against her husband.   I would restate that the work going on with your partners is gender-biased and far from the real picture.

Then today, I was greeted with more gender-biased coverage:

Services to help female victims of domestic violence are at "breaking point" because of "shocking gaps" in funding, Women's Aid has warned.

With a name like Women’s Aid, you expect them to be Gender-biased.  However, there are many including myself who believe that Domestic Violence services should never have been about gender but has highjacked by Misandrists who saw an opportunity to jump on the bandwagon  and receive uncontested funding for a whole range of services for women only.

My first reaction was well at least there are services for women and children in the first place.  Very little funding has ever been made available  for services for men. 

And then, the Statistics used to justify the services were given by Women’s Aid CEO,

Women's Aid chief executive Polly Neate said: "Specialist gender-specific domestic violence services are reaching a breaking point.

"Over 1.2 million women were estimated to have experienced domestic violence last year and two women a week are killed by perpetrators."

No mention of the 800,000 men experiencing domestic violence.  The estimation is also that one women every four days is killed, but this has evolved into two women a week.  Last thing I knew was that a week had  seven days, not eight days in it.  A slight distortion that no-one challenges.  One women every four days is still one too many..  No mention, mind you, of the one man every seventeen days killed by a partner either. 

Domestic Violence is not a Gender-Specific crime and should not be treated as such.  However, such biased shown often results with men feeling that they have nowhere to go to seek help.  Without any hope, alienated from family and children, many men end up taking their own lives.

The one gender-specific issue that is never addressed is suicide.  Very few woman commit suicide. Tragically, in the UK, the figures have been quite consistent over the last few years.   4,500 men take their own lives a year.  That equates to  375 men a month or 86 a week or , to break it down even further, 12 men a day kill themselves. 

And yet, very little is being done to change this shocking fact that is happening in our communities.

Male Victim Event Day at University of Central Lancashire

It was a real privilege to be asked to speak at the recent Male Victim Event Day organised by the University of Central Lancashire  (Preston, UK) and I was thrilled to be included alongside people who are making a real global difference in changing public perception about Domestic Violence.”

The keynote speaker was Dr Denise Hines of  Clark University, Massachusetts.   Dr Hines is the Principal Investigator on a series of studies investigating the physical and mental health of men who sustain partner violence from their female partners and seek help. The most recent of these studies also investigates the mental and physical health of child witnesses and is being supported by a grant from the National Institute on Child Health and Human Development (USA).  About two years ago, I discovered the work of Dr. Hines, emailed her and she kindly put me in touch with some UK academics who were involved with her in an international research project.  It was though the follow-up contact with Dr Louise Dixon and Dr. Niki Graham-Kevan that I was invited to speak. 

Another speaker was Ian McNicholl whose ex-girlfriend was imprisoned for seven years for grievous bodily harm for the injuries she inflicted on Mr McNicholl.  Ian McNicholl  was involved  in the development of the Coronation Street storyline featuring Tyrone Dobbs and gave the soap a great insight into male victims of domestic violence.  Again, the Coronation Street storyline has brought great help to many people and I was honoured to stand alongside both Dr Hines and Ian McNicholl.

Also on the schedule of speakers were: Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services)  and Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland)

Attached Photograph.  L-R Ian Young, Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services), Dr Niki Graham-Kevan ( Reader, University of Central Lancashire), Ian McNicholl (ManKind Initiative Patron), Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland) and Dr Denise Hines.

This is a transcription of my speech

I’m a survivor of female perpetrated Domestic Abuse which has severely impacted me and my children.  It took place during the course of my marriage which lasted 17 years.  Today would have been my 21^st wedding anniversary.  While it was happening, I felt that I had nowhere to turn nor could I speak to anyone about it.  I felt so alone.  It affected every area of my well-being.  When I finally was able to come out of the marriage, it was at great personal cost.  As part of my own healing, I began writing and blogging about my experience and was overwhelmed by others contacting me to say that they were in similar situations and felt so isolated.  This motivated me to campaign to raise greater awareness about Domestic Violence and how it affects men in particular. 

How the abuse started

1992 was a momentous year for me.  I got ordained as a church minister and six months after ordination, I got married.  Just before our wedding, my ex-wifes mother died,  Her  Father had died when she was 7.  She never spoke about her childhood.  There were a few things she told me that were lies, and had I known that then, it might have changed  the course of our relationship. However, I was in an environment where you believed or wanted to believe everything was true.

I saw no  worrying behavioural traits when we were courting, but once we married things changed.  The first strange thing I remember was an over-reaction to me pouring a glass of cola.  I hadn’t rinsed the glass properly, and soap suds were still in the glass causing the cola to fizz up uncontrollable.  She started shouting uncontrollably at me, calling me names and all sorts.  I remember thinking , what’s your problem its only a drink.  On its own, that probably sounds silly but other  patterns started to emerge.   Prior to going into the ministry, I worked in the city of London in the banking sector and the one luxury I allowed myself was having an expensive aftershave collection.  One day, without any provocation,  she poured all my aftershaves down the sink.  She also began smashing ornaments of sentiment value and something that she would repeat for years, she would pour cups of hot drinks I made over me and would  smash a dinner plate (with the dinner still on it ) over my head.

The excuses I made

My ex-wife wouldn’t seek any sort of help.  She wouldn’t even take a headache pill.  I’m not sure whether she even recognised she had a problem.  In my mind, I made excuses for her.  I told myself that she was grieving and this was her way of coping.  I didn’t recognise what was happening to me as Domestic Abuse.  I equated it with the ‘worst’ part of the ‘for better for worst, in sickness and in health’ wedding vows I made.  And then the children arrived, our first daughter was born in 1995, our second daughter in 1997 and our son in 1999.  Her violent behaviour continued towards me.   As well as making excuses about the bereavement, I added Post natal depression to my rationale .  In 2000, my ex-wife only sister died quite suddenly and this left her with no immediate family.   Around this period of time, I recall overhearing my bishop ( who was the person I should to with any problems) joking with a colleague about another couple where the wife was quite a dominant character and the husband appeared hen-packed.  Again, I remember thinking ‘There’s no way I can come to you and speak about the abuse I was experiencing because you clearly have no understanding and would treat it as a joke.’  Around this time, was the only time my ex-wife inflicted me  injuries that were visible.   I can’t remember the how, but I ended up with 2 long scratch marks on my face where the skin had been broken.  People probably knew that that’s what they were but no-one said anything.  I was asked what had happened, and I told people that I’d walked into a rose bush.  I also learnt that while my ex-wife was in an aggressive mood, there was nothing I could do that would placate it.  I never once retaliated.   In the early days, I would try and argue back but this just further ignited her anger.  And so, I just absorbed it and waited until her anger had burnt out.  Once it did and she was calm, I would try and challenge her behaviour saying that it was completely unreasonable.  I always got one of two responses:  either denial to what had just happen or she’d say, “you’re a man, you can cope with it.”  The children witnessed much of this, and afterwards I would also say to the children, “Your mum’s not well, but she doesn’t realise how ill she is, we all just have to try harder to help her.”

Why did I stay

So why did I stay?  First of all, I took my marriage vows seriously.   I was in a culture where divorce was frowned upon  and it would also become hard for me to remain a minister as a divorcee.  At that point in time, the church was my life’s vocation.  And then the children arrived.  The thought of being separated from my children was my biggest fear .  My ex-wife never showed any physical aggression towards the children, although she was very verbally aggressive toward our eldest daughter in particular.  While I was there, I felt that I was also protecting the children.  I felt I could leave.   No one would help me even if I said that I was a victim of DV.  I was unaware of any refuges for men – I was even unaware that men could be victims of DV, how could I explain that to anyone.  I also had nowhere to go nor any means of starting again.  My salary as a church minister wasn’t great and the house I lived in belonged to the church.  She also wanted a lifestyle that we couldn’t really afford.  But appeasing her and trying to avoid anything that might lead to an explosion  was all I was bothered about.   And so, to that end, I over claimed on my expenses from the church to pay for the treats she wanted. 

The realisation

In 2009, I was reaching breaking point and I started keeping a journal of the abuse I was experiencing.  As well as the current stuff, I wrote down the abuse that I could remember.  It shocked me as I read it back as I realised that there was a lot of stuff that had occurred that I’d forgotten.  It also hit me that my account sounded so horrific it was hard to believe, and yet it was my reality.  I’d run out of making excuses and was in a poor state, mentally , physically and emotionally.  There was also an incident with my son who was then 9 years old that helped me realise I was kidding myself.  There been another violent episode  during the week where two dinner plates (containing fish and chips) had been smashed over my head .  This happened in front of the children.  On the Sunday, after our meal, I was in the Kitchen washing the dishes and my son brought his plate through and then proceeded to throw his left-overs at me.  While I never reacted to my ex-wife doing this, I did to my son shouting at him and telling him off.   There was a look of total confusion on his face and it dawned on me that he was copying his mother’s behaviour thinking that it was acceptable behaviour.  Was I really protecting my children?  My ex-wife started another type of episode around this time.  One day , we were sitting watching TV, and she just announced , I don’t want you here anymore. ‘ She turned violent towards me  and my safest option was to retreat and sit in my car.  She won’t let me back in the house.  So eventually, I drove to my parents’ house who now only lived 4 miles away.  It was the first time I acknowledged that things were bad although I didn’t tell them everything.  They tried to persuade me to stay the night at theirs.  I felt I couldn’t so I went back home but my ex wouldn’t let me back in the house.  I returned to my parents.  The next day , I returned home.. “you’re back then” she said and then behaved as if nothing had happened.  Three months later, she acted in a similar manner, but this time she also threw my clothes and personal belongings out of the front door.  I think she believed that I would return the following day and we would all pretend that it had never happened.  I didn’t.  This time, I knew I just couldn’t go back.

The aftermath

I went to my parents.  This time I showed them my journal.  They were horrified,  I ended up  sleeping on their sofa for 6-7 weeks.   I tried to stay working as a minister.  Despite being presented with evidence of DV, they wanted to sweep it all under the carpet.  I still have a letter where senior leadership ‘strongly urged me to return to the family home and resolve the difficult issues in our marriage.’  Eventually, my own financial malpractice came to light – I held my hands up, resigned as a minister and paid the church back the money they claimed was missing.    They still took legal action and I ended up receiving a police caution which tends to deter prospective employers from taking me on.  The children’s well-being was my only concern now.  I found a house to rent nearby their school.  My 3 children had had enough to cope with so I didn’t want to put any additional pressure on them.  My two daughters needed to escape and came and live with me.  My son stayed with his mum.  I think he feels guilty about everyone else leaving .  I do worry about the ongoing impact on him, all I can do is to try and be there. 

Being a victim of DV resulted in me losing my life’s vocation, my home, many of former friends. The one thing I fought not to lose was my children.  They are all I was left with.  Now, my life’s vocation is speaking out and trying to raise better awareness about DV and the impact it has on us men and our children.

Ian's DV awareness campaign @SiVictim

http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/

The Men's Room - A support group for men affected by DV

www.facebook.com/groups/mensroommDVUK/

Men don't feel pain....

After I was regularly attacked and my assailants’ (who happened to be my wife) anger had burnt out and she was on a calm plateau, I would challenge the unreasonable behaviour and be met with one of two responses: denial or she’d say, “You’re a man, you can cope with it.”  As I’ve spoken to other men who have been violently assaulted by their partner I’ve found that this notion seems quite common among some women, the idea that it’s okay to hit your male partner because you can’t really hurt him, he won’t feel any pain and therefore it doesn’t really count as domestic violence.

I’ve been giving this some thought as to where such nonsense originates from.  During infancy, boys receive the message that it’s a sign of weakness to cry, in fact that to show any sort of emotion is not the done thing for men.  And so when a young boy is hit by another in a juvenile fight, he tries his upmost not to show the pain he feels from his injuries. “It’s just a scratch.”   “It’s only a little cut’   “It looks far worse than it is.” Etc.   The last thing he wants is for his peers to see him ‘crying like a little girl.’  For the young schoolboy, being called a girl is reason enough to grit their teeth and not to show the pain they feel.  This response then stays with most men all through their life.  The reality is that males feel pain just like everyone else but society has conditioned them to suppress that pain and not exhibit any emotion. 

In the laws of the playground jungle, Boys also learn very quickly that you never hit a girl.  Some girls however, also recognise that a boy won’t hit them and they may think it’s funny to hit a boy who they know won’t strike back.  Again, this pattern of behaviour later establishes itself in adulthood.

As a man, I’ve found it hard to express my feelings and emotions.  Even now, I’m still reluctant to show my pain or to express my hurt.  The important thing is that I have found a safe environment where I can.   Bottling it all up or suppressing our hurt and our feelings then impacts our own mental well-being. 

Domestic violence is still largely perceived as a gender issue.  It shouldn’t be.  All abuse is wrong and the gender of both the perpetrator and victim is immaterial.  Gender is NOT the reason the abuse happens and therefore, any restorative action shouldn’t be based around gender.

However, the difficulty remains.  A man being attacked by a woman feels defenceless.  He often chooses not to fight back because of his values.  There are many portrayals of women attacking men – some view it amusing.  Others see it as fair game, the man must deserve it, and anyway that little woman can’t hurt that big, strapping man.  Because of this, people will accept the violent behaviour not appreciating the bigger picture. 

However, for every example you can think of where you’ve seen a man being hit by a woman  (and you would have seen quite a few on television maybe without realising it) ,  just imagine switching  the genders.  You will never see that scene portrayed as man to woman.  Why then, make mockery of women attacking men.  Any form of violence towards any person hurts.  All abuse is wrong.

Men DO feel pain.  They feel the pain of the attack.  They have the pain of having to cope alone as very few will have understanding towards them.  They may even suffer the pain of losing everything in life they held dear.

Domestic Abuse is not gender specific, and neither is pain.  Everyone hurts.

The Hidden Picture

As the women’s movement developed in the late 70’s, the concept of Patriarchy  emerged and was latched upon to influence the development of subsequent Domestic Violence programmes.  Patriarchy is the idea that the male has special privilege holding supreme authority over all women and children in every aspect of society.

This heavily affected the work that was taking place around Domestic Violence.  According to many programme providers, “women and children are vulnerable to violence because of their unequal social, economic and political status in society.”

This had led to millions of pounds being ploughed into funding support for women and children, but little support for men.  To support the claims for funding, you will commonly hear that 1 in 4 women will experience Domestic Violence in their lifeline.  An historic statistic from a limited sample is also often put forward : 95% of all domestic violence victims are female (see previous blog to see how this is discredited.)

However, the real picture has been suppressed.  Many professionals have known the truth for decades but haven’t been allowed to speak out.  Domestic Violence is not a result of Patriarchy and should not be a battleground for militant feminists.

Erin Pizzey, founder of the first Women’s Refuge is on record as saying that of the first 100 women to enter the Chiswick Refuge in 1971, 62 were as violent if not more so than the partners they were ‘escaping.’

Erin Pizzey was then ostracized by the feminist movement  because her findings completely contradicted the ideology that they were wanting to promote.  Along with Erin, others who tried to re-address the misinformation being spread received death threats and some even had their cars bombed.

 Partner Abuse State of Knowledge Project (PASK) 2012 reveals the following:

The majority of Domestic Violence incidents is mutual – that is where both parties fight each other. 

Population Surveys :                       57.9%

Community Samples                       59.6%

School & College samples             51.9%

Female oriented clinical samples  72.3%

These figures, over 40 years after Chiswick refuge was founded are still fairly consistent with Erin Pizzey’s findings.     Between 51.9% - 59.6%  are mutual Domestic Violence situations.  The big surprise is the figure of 72.3% which comes from clinical samples from Lesbian relationships.  These fighting sisters can’t blame Patriarchy for the violence in their relationships. !!

So what about scenarios where there is no reciprocal violence?  PASK also asks that question.

The figures for Male assaults against female (non-mutual IPV) are:

Population Surveys :                       13.8%

Community Samples                       17.5%

School & College samples             16.2%

Perhaps surprisingly the figures for Female assaults against male (non-mutual IPV) are:

Population Surveys :                       28.3%

Community Samples                       22.9%

School & College samples             31.9%

Notice how woman are twice as likely to attack a male partner, than a male assault a woman without any reciprocal action.   

Domestic Violence is a complex issue but will never be addressed properly until there is acknowledge that women can be as aggressive ( in some cases even more so) than men. 

The approaches to tackle Domestic Violence based on the ideas of patriarchy have and are still failing because they are flawed and not dealing with the real issues.