Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while.  As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse.   I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions.  There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.  

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with.  I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such.  In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse.   Other men have said similar to me.  Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women?  Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH.  Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence.  They will make excuses.  Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.  

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions.  It always someone else’s fault.  If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.  

The media contributes to this.  Read all the news reports from the courts.  If a man is in court, there’s no leniency.  If a woman is tried for a crime  9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it.  If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction.  The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting?  Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’.  A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner.  She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence.  I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference. 

But this highlights the difference in my eyes.   In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions. 

You Couldn't make it up

Many people look forward to their holidays away to rest by the pool/beach and enter into some light reading while they sunbathe.  Sunbathing isn’t really my thing, but reading most certainly is and I was away on holiday, I had more time to absorb myself in the daily newspapers and books that were in my ‘to read’ pile.  Most people have a ‘to do’ list.  I purchase books and have a ‘to read’ list which is never exhausted.

News stories and articles about Domestic Violence always catch my attention, and in a matter of days the several different papers I read, carried several stories.   Bizarrely, there seemed to be the publication of several studies which made claims of how Domestic Violence could either be caused or prevented all reaching the printed media at the same time. 

The most sensible was The Times 26^th August 2014

http://www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/news/politics/article4186759.ece

“Constantly telling a partner that she is fat may be a symptom of domestic abuse, according to a Labour frontbencher.

Seema Malhotra, appointed yesterday to the newly created post of shadow minister for preventing violence against women and girls, said that trying to erode someone’s self-esteem could be part of a broader pattern of behaviour.”

Although this report is written in the gender-specific fashion that I abhor, later in the article an acknowledgement that men are victims too.

“She highlighted figures showing that 12 million woman and 2.5 million men had been the victims of domestic abuse.”

I would question those statistics, but at least the plight of men wasn’t ignored completely.

However, the day before that report appeared the same august publication ran this story:

CANNABIS MAY BE KEY TO GOOD RELATIONSHIP

“Couples who smoke cannabis are less likely to engage in domestic violence, US research suggests.

Married couples who both use cannabis at least twice a month reported the least perpetration of violence. If only the husband used cannabis, this reduced the likelihood of the wife being violent.”

Ah, so that explains why my ex-wife was abusive to me, I didn’t smoke cannabis.  In fact, I’ve never smoke cannabis.  Maybe I should have done if this ‘reduced the likelihood of the wife being violent.’

However my favourite report also appeared on the 28^th August , but in one of our tabloid newspapers, The Sun:

KEBABS ‘CAN CUT VIOLENCE’

“A Solicitor was under fire yesterday for claiming kebabs could cut domestic violence.  Janet Hood, 57, spoke at a licensing hearing to get a takeaway’s opening hours extended.  She said in Dundee eating would make drunks too tired to attack.  Ms Hood added: “Medical evidence suggests eating after drinking helps induce sleep, which could help lower alcohol-related domestic violence.”

Now if you know me, you will know that I love and enjoy eating kebabs.  And, unlike the majority of the population, I enjoy these when I’m sober and I certainly don’t fall asleep after consumption.  However, it set me thinking about my past.

Both my ex-wife and myself never drank alcohol as part of our religious observance.  So her violence towards me wasn’t alcohol-induced.  She also seldom ate kebabs preferring to order fish when I visited the local takeaway.  For me, it was kebabs as the healthy option (well, you do get a portion of salad with them).  

I can’t comment on the effects of Cannabis, but Kebabs didn’t cut out the violence I experienced.  In fact, I probably ate more kebabs because I was a victim of Domestic Violence

.  I didn’t drink alcohol or smoke, so comfort eating kebabs was my escape from the suffering I endured.

You can call me fat because I have eaten too many kebabs.  Maybe I should have smoked cannabis instead but that would have had other implications for me I’m sure (It would also have been contravening the religious views I held at that time) .

Smoking Cannabis or eating kebabs will never cut domestic violence.  You couldn’t make it up, but someone obviously did!!!

Justification?

A report appeared in my local newspaper that  led to  an online discussion about the nature of Domestic Violence where a 32 year old woman admitted she assaulted her partner by throwing a garden spiked candle-holder at him.  The third throw hit him causing a two inch cut.   It was good to see that a man felt he could press charges, although it was actually the man’s mother who reported the crime.  Good on her I say.

Anyhow, what annoyed me was the punishment dished out to the woman.   She got a community order which included 14 sessions at the local women's centre.    What are they going to teach her there ??? That she was really the victim as men are to blame for everything? Will they help her improve her aim so that next time it only takes her one attempt to hit her target???? Absolutely unbelievable.

Expressing this view led to some comments that seemed to want to justify the woman’s actions.  He must have deserved it, he had it coming, he must have provoked her, it must have been self-defence etc.  When excessive force is used however, it can’t be self-defence, more a case of mutual violence.

And yet, were the gender roles reversed, no-one would try and justify such action.  It would be wrong because he was a nasty man attacking an innocent woman.  He certainly would not have got a community order punishment which included 14 sessions at a local men’s centre.  Dare I say it, his punishment most likely would have been at Her Majesty’s Pleasure. 

I’ve encountered such attitudes before, and I have to say that strangely enough, its women who will try to justify the actions of another violent woman.  It’s as if they can’t accept that women can be as violent as men,  and so there has to be some rationale behind the assault.

There is NEVER any justification for any form of domestic  violence.  There is no excuse for domestic abuse. 

Please don’t try to justify any one else’s violence.  They may be ill, they may need help etc, but that is NO EXCUSE EVER.  Think about it next time, any assault is verbally indefensible. 

Karma

At a recent family gathering, I was asked what my views were concerning Karma.  It seemed a little strange as an opening gambit from a relative who I only tend to see at family occasions.  However, I’ve often posted about my spiritual journey which has taken me from being a Christian church minister  to flirting with Atheism.  So I guess, it wasn’t  that strange a question after all.  I had certainly been reflecting on my own beliefs and the origins of personal belief.  My initial response was to say that “it’s probably easier to say what I don’t believe, rather than what I do believe.”

I don’t believe in the concepts of eternal/everlasting or indeed previous lives now.  The only thing we know with any certainty is that we are living this life now.  There is no factual evidence for anything before or after.  I know that some people claim to have had near-death experiences that equate to their own particular belief of what happens next, and there are those who under a form of hypnosis called past-life regression.   My own take on these ‘experiences’ is that the person’s own belief system has already influenced that person’s mind, so your sub conscious tells you what you want to hear. 

Similarly, well-meaning Christians have tried to convince me of the errors of my ways in turning my back on their faith by employing  Pascal’s Wager.  Pascal's Wager is an argument in philosophy which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician, and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss.  In other words, you have nothing to infinite loss, but everything to gain by believing in a God.  If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, you lose nothing.  It’s a hedge your bets argument.  Strange when most Christians/church teaching is opposed to Gambling, they ask you to ‘bet on the existence of god.’

As for Karma I can’t hold the view that my existence in a previous life, affects my current position now.  I have made conscious decisions and then had to live with the consequences of those decisions, many positive and some negative.  Nothing from an unknown past has influenced those decisions. 

However, there is a different type of Karma that we all often refer too.  Phrase like “What goes round comes round,” and “they’ll get what coming to them” has entered our vocabulary.   When someone hurts us or commits an injustice against us and isn’t punished, we use the afore-mentioned statements hoping that everything balances out, that the pain we have felt will soon be inflicted on the person that hurt us.  Does it happen?  It would be nice and rather comforting to think that it does, but in all reality it probably doesn’t.  My abuser has never accepted any responsibility for her actions and has failed to grasp the impact and consequences of her violent actions have had on me or our children.  While I hoped that natural karma would happen, so far it hasn’t.  She carried on living her live oblivious to the destruction she’s caused.  For me, I had to let go of wanting such karma to happen and move on with my life.   While I was anxious for my abuser to receive retribution for her crimes against me, the angst it caused me was a way of still allowing her to abuse me.    I guess I don’t believe in any form of Karma either. 

All that matters to me is the here and now and what I make of it.

Meeting the Criteria for Help , Support and Protection

Earlier this year, I also had first-hand contact with the local DV services.  Despite a desperate situation which cried out for additional support and help, the Local Authority decided that the ‘case’  didn’t  meet their criteria for referral.  I won’t elaborate on the case itself because it’s not only my story but affects others.  Suffice to say that you didn’t need to be an expert to realise that the mental health of the person concerned was a direct result of that person witnessing long-term Domestic Abuse.    However, not enough boxes were ticked, so the person concerned struggles on battling personal demons until another crisis point will be hit.  I wonder who will be there to try and pick up the pieces?

So how do these well-paid ‘experts  decide on who is worthy of their services?   Local authority professionals fill in a form and if they tick enough boxes, you get support, help and protection.  If you don’t score high enough, tough luck!!    There’s no support or help for you.

What follows is the MARAC Risk Identification and Assessment  Forms which is also called DASH.  MARAC stands for Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference and DASH stands for Domestic Abuse, Stalking , Harassment and Honour based violence.  The form and questions are pretty much standardised right across the United Kingdom.

See what you think….

Referral Details

Most recent Crime Reference Number:  (if known)

Reasons for Referral:

o  Professional Judgement (Please state clearly in Background and Risk issues below the reasons. - o  14 or more ticks on the Risk Indicator Checklist (RIC)     (number of ticks ­­­___ ) o  5 police call outs in the past 12 months between the same parties / people. o Repeat Referral.  To meet this criterion, the answer to the following 2 statements must be YES. Since the case was last discussed at MARAC, a further crime has occurred within the last 12 months. The perpetrator and victim are the same as those on the previous MARAC.

How did this case come to your notice e.g. report made to the Police or referral received from another agency.

Background & Risk Issues Please provide summary of reasons for referral.  If a Risk Indicator Checklist (RIC) was used, or referral made on Professional Judgement, please state clearly the risk factors:

A MARAC referral must be discussed with the victim. Has consent been given for a MARAC referral?  (If not, please complete an Information Sharing Without Consent Form which is at the end of this document.)

Yes / No

What RISK MANAGEMENT plan is currently in place to safeguard this Victim? Please write in below, all safeguarding measure already in place.  For example, bail conditions, Non-Molestation Order, Safeguarding Meeting etc.

What SAFEGUARDING MEASURES is the REFERRING AGENCY hoping to achieve through the MARAC? For example, housing support etc.

What outcome is the VICTIM hoping to achieve through this MARAC referral to help them feel safe and reduce risk?

 MARAC

                      RISK IDENTIFICATION CHECKLIST

CAADA-DASH MARAC Risk Indicator Checklist for the identification of high risk cases of domestic abuse, stalking and ‘honour’-based violence

This checklist has been adopted from CAADA for use within the MARAC.  The primary purpose of the form is to identify risk to the adult victim and to be able to offer appropriate resources/support in the form of the MARAC for the most serious cases.

Practitioners must be aware that this is a risk identification checklist and not a full risk assessment nor a case management form.  It is a practical tool that can help you to identify which of your clients should be referred to MARAC and how you should be prioritizing the use of your resources.  Risk is dynamic and practitioners need to be alert to the fact that risk can change very suddenly.   The presence of children increases the wider risks of domestic violence and step children are particularly at risk. However, this tool is not a full risk assessment for children. If risk towards children is highlighted you should consider what referral you need to make to obtain a full assessment of the children’s situation.

Please explain that the purpose of asking these questions is for the safety and protection of the individual concerned. Tick the box if the factor is present R. Please use the comment box at the end of the form to expand on any answer. It is assumed that your main source of information is the victim. If this is not the case please indicate in the right hand column	Yes (tick)	No	Don’t Know	State source of info if not the victim e.g. police officer
Has the current incident resulted in injury? (Please state what and whether this is the first injury.)
Are you very frightened?       Comment:
What are you afraid of?  Is it further injury or violence?  (Please give an indication of what you think (name of abuser(s)...) might do and to whom, including children)       Comment:
4.     Do you feel isolated from family/friends i.e. does (name of abuser(s)………..) try to stop you from seeing friends/family/doctor or others? Comment:
Are you feeling depressed or having suicidal thoughts?
Have you separated or tried to separate from (name of abuser(s)….) within the past year?
Is there conflict over child contact?
8.     Does (……) constantly text, call, contact, follow, stalk or harass you? (Please expand to identify what and whether you believe that this is done deliberately to intimidate you? Consider the context and behaviour of what is being done.)
9.     Are you pregnant or have you recently had a baby (within the last 18 months)?
Is the abuse happening more often?
11.  Is the abuse getting worse?
Does (……) try to control everything you do and/or are they excessively jealous? (In terms of relationships, who you see, being ‘policed at home’, telling you what to wear for example.  Consider ‘honour’-based violence and specify behaviour.)
Has (……..) ever used weapons or objects to hurt you?

Tick box if factor is present. Please use the comment box at the end of the form to expand on any answer.	Yes (tick)	No	Don’t Know	State source of info if not the victim e.g. police officer
14.  Has (……..) ever threatened to kill you or someone else and you believed them? (If yes, tick who.)       You ¨        Children ¨            Other (please specify) ¨
Has (………) ever attempted to strangle/choke/suffocate/drown you?
Does (……..) do or say things of a sexual nature that make you feel bad or that physically hurt you or someone else?  (If someone else, specify who.)
17.  Is there any other person who has threatened you or who you are afraid of?  (If yes, please specify whom and why. Consider extended family if HBV.)
Do you know if (………..) has hurt anyone else? (Please specify whom including the children, siblings or elderly relatives. Consider HBV.)       Children ¨          Another family member ¨              Someone from a previous relationship ¨           Other (please specify) ¨
19.  Has (……….) ever mistreated an animal or the family pet?
Are there any financial issues? For example, are you dependent on (…..) for money/have they recently lost their job/other financial issues?
Has (……..) had problems in the past year with drugs (prescription or other), alcohol or mental health leading to problems in leading a normal life?  (If yes, please specify which and give relevant details if known.)       Drugs ¨          Alcohol ¨           Mental Health ¨
Has (……) ever threatened or attempted suicide?
23.  Has (………) ever broken bail/an injunction and/or formal agreement for when they can see you and/or the children? (You may wish to consider this in relation to an ex-partner of the perpetrator if relevant.) Bail conditions  ¨   Non Molestation/Occupation Order  ¨  Child Contact arrangements ¨  Forced Marriage Protection Order  ¨     Other  ¨
24.  Do you know if (……..) has ever been in trouble with the police or has a criminal history?  (If yes, please specify.)       DV  ¨    Sexual violence ¨    Other violence ¨         Other  ¨
Total ‘yes’ responses

For consideration by professional: Is there any other relevant information (from victim or professional) which may increase risk levels?  Consider victim’s situation in relation to disability, substance misuse, mental health issues, cultural/language barriers, ‘honour’- based systems and minimisation. Are they willing to engage with your service?  Describe: Consider abuser’s occupation/interests-could this give them unique access to weapons? Describe:

What are the victim’s greatest priorities to address their safety?

Do you believe that there are reasonable grounds for referring this case to MARAC? Yes  /  No If yes, have you made a referral?  Yes/No Signed:                                                                                                                 Date:

Do you believe that there are risks facing the children in the family?         Yes  /  No If yes, please confirm if you have made a referral to safeguard the children:     Yes  /  No Date referral made...........................................

Signed		Date
Name

Practitioners’ Notes

Guidance on making a referral to the  MARAC threshold

The xxxxx MARAC has three criteria by which a case can meet threshold:

1. Professional Judgement: if a professional has serious concerns about a victim’s situation, they should refer the case to MARAC.  There will be occasions where the particular context of a case gives rise to serious concerns even if the victim has been unable to disclose the information that might highlight their risk more clearly.  This could reflect extreme levels of fear, cultural barriers to disclosure, immigration issues or language barriers particularly in cases of ‘honour’-based violence. This judgement would be based on the professional’s experience and/or the victim’s perception of their risk even if they do not meet criteria 2 and/or 3 below. 

2. Visible High Risk: the number of ‘ticks’ on this checklist.  If you have ticked 14 or more ‘yes’ boxes the case would meet the MARAC referral threshold OR

3. Potential Escalation: the number of police callouts to the victim as a result of domestic abuse in the past 12 months.  This criterion can be used to identify cases where there is not a positive identification of a majority of the risk factors on the list, but where abuse appears to be escalating and where it is appropriate to assess the situation more fully by sharing information at MARAC. 

Please pay particular attention to a practitioner’s professional judgement in all cases.  The results from a checklist are not a definitive assessment of risk.  They should provide you with a structure to inform your judgement and act as prompts to further questioning, analysis and risk management whether via a MARAC or in another way. 

MARAC Repeat

A repeat MARAC case is one where any of the following types of behaviour have taken place within 12 months of a victim’s first referral to MARAC:

• Violence or threats of violence to the victim; or
• Where there is a pattern of stalking or harassment; or
• Were rape or sexual abuse is disclosed.

Where these criteria are met, the victim should be re-referred to MARAC regardless of whether they meet the MARAC threshold.

INFORMATION SHARING WITHOUT CONSENT

This section must be completed for MARAC referrals made without consent and should also be sent via Secure email to xxxxxx   with the Referral and Risk Indicator Checklist.

The below link explains which of the above E-mail addresses you should send referrals to.  

Concern

	Immediate risk / crisis	Risk identified through risk assessment
Child(ren) at risk/Danger to child(ren)
Danger to client
Client poses a risk to self or others
Risk Identification Checklist (number of ticks)
Incident/information causing concern  (include source of information)

Legal Authority to Share

ð        Protocol relevant ___________________­_______________    OR         Legal grounds (please tick 1 or more grounds below) ð        Prevention and detection of crime  (Crime and Disorder Act 1998) ð        Prevention/detection or crime and/or apprehension or prosecution of offenders  (DPA, s. 29) ð        To protect vital interests of the data subject; serious harm or matter of life or death (DPA, Sch. 2 & 3) ð        For the administration of justice (usually brining perpetrators to justice  (DPA, Sch. 2 & 3) ð        For the exercise of functions conferred on any person by or under any enactment (police/social services)  (DPA, Sch. 2 & 3) ð        In accordance with a court order ð        Overriding public interest  (Common law) ð        Child protection – disclosure to social services or police for the exercise of functions under the Children Act, where the public interest in safeguarding the child’s welfare overrides the need to keep the information confidential  (DPA, Sch. 2 & 3) ð        Right to life  (Human Rights Act, Art. 2 & 3) ð        Right to be free from torture or inhuman or degrading treatment  (Human Rights Act, Art. 2 & 3) Balancing Considerations ð        Pressing need ð        Respective risks to those affected ð        Risk of not disclosing ð        Interest of other agency/person in receiving it ð        Public interest in disclosure ð        Human rights ð        Duty of confidentiality
Comments
Internal consultations  (Names, dates and advice/decisions)
External consultations (Home Office guidance, Information-sharing Helpline)

Client Notification

Client notified of disclosure(s)?	Yes/No	Date of notification	Please insert date of disclosure
If not, why not?

Review

Date for review of this situation  (Review to include feedback from the agencies informed as to their response)	Yes/No	Date of notification	Please insert date of disclosure
Who is responsible for ensuring the situation is reviewed by this date.

Record following details of information sharing in case file:

·       Date info shared; Agency and named person informed; Method of contact (by email, letter, phone call); Legal authority for each agency

Signed and dated by caseworker                    Authorised and dated by manager