Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while.  As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse.   I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions.  There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.  

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with.  I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such.  In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse.   Other men have said similar to me.  Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women?  Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH.  Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence.  They will make excuses.  Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.  

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions.  It always someone else’s fault.  If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.  

The media contributes to this.  Read all the news reports from the courts.  If a man is in court, there’s no leniency.  If a woman is tried for a crime  9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it.  If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction.  The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting?  Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’.  A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner.  She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence.  I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference. 

But this highlights the difference in my eyes.   In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions. 

Hope

I’ve been meditating on ‘Hope’ for some months now.  It strikes me that hope is the one thing we all hold on to when everything else comes crashing down.  The appeal is that we can always hope for something better. 

For example, in a relationship blighted by domestic violence, the victim very seldom leaves when the abuse first manifests itself.  We ‘hope’ for change.  We make excuses for the perpetrator telling ourselves that they are not well, they are under stress, they may be drinking too much etc.  We hope that they will ‘get better’ or change and everything will be fine.  The longer the situation carries on, the victim realises that this particular ‘hope’ won’t occur, so the hope changes.  The victim hopes for a day when everything is peaceful, and tries to do nothing that would cause offence or trigger a violent episode in their partner.  However, even this approach is flawed, because the mood swings are so random and unpredictable as the perpetrator will find any reason to attack.   Finally, when the victim is completely worn down, feeling worthless and virtually hopeless, the glimmer of a new future away from the perpetrator presents a new hope.  Just how though, remains a mystery as the victim can’t see any way to escape and by this time, all rational thought processes have been destroyed by the constant abuse suffered.

People need hope to survive.  The oppressed often turn to religion because of the hope faith offers.  Most (if not all) faith offers you the hope of a better life in the next world.  “Today’s life will be tough and hard, but don’t worry” adherents of a religion will tell you, “because if you follow XXXXXX  or this path, you will be fine in the next world/life.”  The promise of something better in the future gives hope.  Pie in the Sky when you die.  Furthermore, if you look to a religion/faith for hope, its followers are most embracing and welcoming of you especially when they think they may have a new recruit.  They will do anything and offer all sorts of assistance to make you want to feel part of that group.   Mind you if you turn your back on that group, your so-called friends may no longer offer you the same hand of friendship you previously experienced.   The future hope you signed up to when you acknowledged believe in that faith system evaporates.  You are no longer one of the chosen ones.

Hope is always there.  Hope is not reliant on external circumstances or beliefs.  There comes a time when you just have to grasp it.  Any abusive relationship will never change and if you are being victimised, your only hope is leaving and starting again.  Staying will only result in further problems and difficulties and could even cost you your life.  That hope you may have of a life free from abuse is available to you, but you have to grasp it with both hands and doing that requires a big, bold step.

Jobs for the Girls

It’s taken me awhile to write this as I became quite despondent about the Domestic Violence Support Service providers.  Previous posts had expressed a hope that there was a sea of change, that the policy makers were beginning to recognise that Domestic Violence is NOT a Gender-specific crime, but a crime perpetrated by males and females with members of both genders also victims. 

Local councils could help to affect change but I have now learnt that our elected representatives may try and introduce new policies, but their successful implementation depend on the local authorities’ paid staff who may also have their own agenda.

Sometime ago, I met with my local council and received assurances that, following our meeting, they would be more gender-inclusive in their support services.  My optimism was further fuelled when my local newspaper approached me for my opinion when they’d received word that my local council would be creating a job that would be reaching out to male victims of domestic violence.

So what happened?  For a long time, the job wasn’t advertised anywhere.  I contacted the chairman of the council to ask why and he informed me that the role would be an internal appointment.  He also kindly said that should no internal candidate be found, then the job vacancy would be opened up to all.  If that happened, he would let me know and true to his word, a month later he did just that.

I applied, but this is not the rant of someone who missed out.  I was disappointed I admit not even to be called for an interview.  When the selection period had passed me by, I contacted the council and asked for feedback as to why my application wasn’t considered.

I heard….nothing.   It took me several requests and five months later, I finally received the feedback I’d asked for.  In fact, by this time, I’d learnt that the job had gone to a long-term council employee with many years in administration but no experience of Domestic Violence.  My requests to the Human Resources Department for feedback where constantly ignored.  It was only when I contacted the councillor who I originally met that the paid staff sprang into action.  Within half an hour of speaking to my contact, I’d got a response at last.

As ‘including men’ had been a key part of the advertised job specification, I also asked how this was being developed.  Of course, I didn’t get any straight answers.  The Feedback received was the standardised . We received applications from many highly-qualified candidates who unfortunately did not meet the internal criteria set by the council.’ 

As for services for men,  ‘We are networking with all stakeholders to provide best service.’  Seeing no men’s group or support services existed in the group of stakeholders, forget it – it’s a case of same old, same old.

There are many fields where the male gender is underrepresented, but everyone is afraid to acknowledge this.  Industries that are male-dominated are frowned upon and we often hear of political parties having female-only shortlists in order to produce another female MP for that constituency.  I believe that balance is best in all fields as men and women have separate natural skills and giftings with both sets required for well-being. 

Good male role-models are required but where do you find them?  Not in schools, where the majority of staff are female.  In this fatherless age, imagine the societal impact if there were more positive male role-models in our schools.  The care industry is predominantly female.  There is a need for more male workers, it is not healthy for service users.

The same goes for the counselling industry.  More balance needs to be found.  I have been training as a counsellor.  I ended up being the only man in the classroom.  On a couple of occasions, I was absent.  On my return, one of my peers said to me, “I’m glad you’re here today.  The class is always a lot calmer when you’re here.” 

There may be areas that require more female staff, but the same is true but never spoken about for men.  It’s all about Gender Balance.

Prone to Violence

I consider myself to be a logical person and a rational thinker.  For example, I usually keep things in the same place and so if I can’t find an item, I retrace my steps and hopefully soon find the object I’ve misplaced.  If my search is unsuccessful, I won’t rest until I discover it.   My logic tells me that the object I seek is exactly in the same place where I left it.  Most of the time, this approach works for me.  If it doesn’t, I can never rest until the search is over. My logical thinking always telling me that it’s exactly where I last placed it.  

However, if my ex-wife had misplaced something (losing her keys/purse etc.), I was always blamed for taking it (or moving it) .  This would then always seem to provide an excuse for yet another violent outburst. Having gained some insight from the excellent  ‘Prone to Violence’ by Erin Pizzey and Jeff Shapiro, I can now understand where her approach comes from.

When I was assaulted by my ex-wife, a similar thought pattern kicked in.  I ended up making excuses for her behaviour because that was the only way I could make logical sense of the abuse.

Looking back, I still struggle about how my ex-wife can portray herself as a pillar of the local community when I and our children know the real truth about her.  When challenged about her behaviour towards us, she either denies or waters down the severity of the offence.  Recently, she did admit to our daughter that she had had ‘anger issues in the past’ which is the first time she’s acknowledged anything.

I have reflected over these feelings before and my online friend, Andy Thomas of ‘A Voice for Men’, http://www.avoiceformen-uk.com/ suggested I read Erin Pizzey and Jeff Shapiro’s ‘Prone to Violence.’  This was a most insightful book and is being featured on ‘A Voice for Men’s’ website currently. 

Erin Pizzey founded the first refuge for all victims of domestic violence in the 1970’s.  She discovered that out of the many women coming to her refuge, most were as violent (if not more so) than the partners they were leaving behind.  ‘Prone to Violence’ is an account of the real truth about Domestic Violence. However, it can be a disturbing read because its message is one that the Governmental Policy Makers don’t want you to hear. 

I count it a real honour that some of my blogs are included along Erin Pizzey’s articles on ‘A Voice for Men’ website.  Erin’s latest article is well worth a read as she writes about how Domestic Violence policy developed to the detriment of men and their rights:

http://www.avoiceformen-uk.com/2013/08/mens-rights-hate-speech.html

Reading ‘Prone to Violence’ has given me some of the answers I’ve been seeking for a long time about my ex-wife’s abusive behaviour.  The book is based on experience and observation and lays out how Domestic Violence victims fall into two camps:  Battered Spouses and those Prone to Violence.  

The battered spouses tend to have grown up in emotionally-enabled families and fall victim to violent partners.  However, the ‘Prone to Violence’ types come from emotionally-disabled families, never knowing the proper love, care and nurture as young children that so many of us take for granted. As a result, these ‘Prone to Violence’ people learn from an early age that the only time they are noticed and given attention is when anger manifests itself and so they become addicted to that emotion/pain, even creating situations so that they can feel the buzz that the violent reaction gives them. 

The following excerpt seemed to be written for me and, at the very least, gives me some comfort of explanation that I have been searching for:

Prone to Violence, Chapter Five

……If you accept, as we do, that you are both emotionally and chemically bonded to your parenting, then it becomes so much easier to understand your own addiction. In a healthy family, that bonding plays its part while a child grows and learns. Then, when the child is ready to turn outwards, the bonds are slowly loosened, while the parents readjust their lives to use their time for themselves and enjoy their future with each other. The child meanwhile seeks to recreate the good, warm, loving  relationships and home environment that it experienced in its own home. Usually, this child will succeed. An emotionally and chemically synthesised maturing adult will seek the same relationship  with its partner. 

 On the whole, the emotionally able will avoid the discomfort and turmoil of the emotionally disabled. If by chance they do attempt to form a relationship with an emotionally disabled person, they will then find themselves in the position of a battered woman or battered man. Confused and bewildered, they continually misunderstand the messages they get from their partners. It is very rare  that they can actually do very much to change their partner. If their partner will not seek help, their best bet is to get out before children are born and they become the unwitting parents of another generation of damage. 

 Children born into violent homes will usually express the violence and betrayal of their childhood according to how it personally affects them, their position in the family, and their genetic inheritance. Instead of flowing with the warmth and the love of a happy family, they have had to survive against the violent and often incestuous onslaughts of their parents. Violent and incestuous families do not let each other go. The parents take little pleasure in each other's company, and use one or all of the children in the highly complex emotional theatre and battleground of the family.

Betrayal is the key word in these families. Betrayed parents in turn betray their children. They rob them of their childhoods. They exploit them physically. They exploit them emotionally. They keep them on edge in a jealous rage for attention. Then when the children do finally break away, the rest of their lives are spent in reaction against their parents. 

 Should a girl from a non-violent home marry a boy from such a family, the chances are that no amount of reassurance will ever convince him that she will be faithful to him. That primary betrayal of a faithless or promiscuous mother will make him morbidly jealous for life. His only hope is that he can find someone who can help him not only to come to terms emotionally with the damage, but also to be able to identify the moment when an event can trigger a chemical reaction in him that sets  off the emotion of jealousy, and then to relate it to the past, not the present. Sometimes it can be a smell, a perfume, an inflection in a voice, which can stimulate the feelings of betrayal, and bring the rage flooding back into the present. He then behaves in such a way that it is out of proportion with the current event. 

 Unfortunately, so far, very little work has been done in this field in Britain, where there is noticeable resistance to any attempt to understand why human beings behave as they do In other countries where I lecture, I find a great deal of interest and research going on. 

Thank you Erin Pizzey.

The impact of a Father leaving his children Part 3

This third part has been the hardest to write as it features my third and youngest child.  This child has some mild learning difficulties and sometimes exhibits challenging behaviour.  There has been a delay on early stage of his early growth development.  His behaviour and attitudes are sometimes reminiscence of symptoms of Asperger’s  Syndrome and Autism.   Despite this and numerous medical examinations since birth, no clear diagnosis has ever been given.  His gait and posture is very infantile and he displays frustration which quickly turns into vented anger when things don’t go right for him.  School has always been a struggle for him.

His problems were one of the key factors that kept me in the abusive marriage for many years.  I believed that my leaving would cause him further and greater damage and would severely affect his well-being. 

A huge turning point for me was when he mirrored one of his mother’s attacks on me.  A couple of days prior to this episode, his mother had turned violent, first of all she was verbally threatening.  When I didn’t respond, she deliberated overturned her dinner plate over my head so that the food cascaded down me and then smashed the plate on my head.  I had learnt that no response could calm her so I just sat there and absorbed it without making any response.  Because this action hadn’t provoked me into retaliation of any description, she then grabbed my dinner plate and threw that over me too.   She then stormed out the house and I started to clear the mess up.

A few days after this,  I’d cook and served dinner for all the family and was in the kitchen washing the dishes.  My son, who was 10 years old at this stage, brought his plate out and threw the remains over me.   I was cross with him and shouted at him, he was visibly upset and had a look of shock on his face.  

I realised that he thought his actions were ‘normal’ and okay because he’d seen his mother do similar just days before.  It also dawned on me that my staying in that abusive environment and absorbing such violence wasn’t protecting the children from the impact of domestic violence after all.

Shortly after this, during another violent assault, I chose not to return to the marital home.  It broke my heart to leaving all three children behind. 

My son had always been close to the middle child who was like a second mother to him.  He’d started playschool while she was still there and she took the parental instruction of “Look after your brother for us” seriously.

This relationship seemed to change once the eldest child came to live with me, and my second daughter has written in this blog about the events that led her to coming to live with me.  Part of that was her own brother attacking her.

This is the situation that worries me most and I feel helpless about.  My son still lives with his mother.  He stays with me every other weekend.  I know he feels a loyalty to his mother as he’s seen me and his two sisters leave, so he feels he can’t abandon his mother and cant come and live with me.

For the most part, he is a delightful young man.  When he stays with me, he never hits out.  There are occasions when he sulks, but either I or his siblings are able to bring him out of the mood before he get angry and violent.  However, I do worry about the time he’s not in my care.

There have been a couple of episodes at school when his frustrations have boiled over.  The school have been very good in managing him and have realised that the majority of the time, others have been provoking him to try and elicit a reaction. 

I see in him similar behaviour to his mother.  I’ve tried talking to her about this for I’ve questioned whether this is something genetic or learnt.   When he stays with me, I always try to encourage him to talk.  He will talk on any subject that he’s interested in but won’t talk about his feelings or emotional state.

Interesting, when he was staying with me, one of his sisters intercepted a facebook conversation with a school colleague where he was telling this other person that he was saw the Doctor every week for depression.   I shared this with his mother, but when  I asked my son why he felt he needed to tell someone this fabrication (although of course I didn’t phrase it like that) he won’t talk about it.  To me, however, it was rather insightful because I think he recognises that he needs to talk to someone.

Recently, his school contacted me again because they are concerned about some of his challenging behaviour.  There had been bullying in the past, so they do take things seriously.  My son had complained to a teacher that he was being attacked and his descriptions were quite vivid.  However, they had been watching closely and had seen nothing untoward taking place.  When I spoke to my son about this he was adamant it was happening.   When I questioned it, he got very aggressive and challenged whether I believed him or not.  This tactic, I know, would stop his mother from seeking more information.  However, I persevered and eventually he admitted that he’d make the whole thing up and told school that.  He was then remorseful and contrite.

He needs some help but won’t talk to anyone.  I have tried to involve other agencies.  When his second sister left, I called social services and child protection because I was concerned.   They did a quick onsite assessment, but because they deemed him not at any physical risk from his mother, they closed the case.  No-one wants to assess the emotional or mental risk. 

The only thing that gives me hope is that he’s fine when triggers aren’t breached, although he won’t recognise triggers or the impact of his behaviour.  He does display some of the aggressive traits of his mother, although the one area where they differ is that afterwards, he is remorseful and recognises his wrong doing.  I only hope that as he grows older, he’s able to talk through the things and emotions that he’s obviously bottling up.  I just wish the help was offered and provided that I believe he needs.

The Impact of a Father leaving his Children Part 2

Elsewhere I already described my middle child as very similar to me in temperament and very placid.  I didn’t really notice the impact on her while I was still living in the family home although it affected her like everyone else.  The eldest child was always being criticised by her mother and was constantly verbally assaulted.  The youngest child had similar behavioural issues to his mother.  I guess the middle child felt caught in the middle and tried to make the best of a bad situation.

It was when I had been relocated in a house several miles away from the children that I saw how witnessing Domestic Violence had affected her.

This child had an exceptional school attendance record never missing a day from school.  She started developing headaches and cramps that were affecting her school attendance.

All three children had stayed with me for the weekend and we had a good happy time together.  A few days later I called unannounced at the children’s home to drop something off to them.  I was shocked at the change in the physical appearance of my middle child.  How she could change so drastically in just a few days deeply concerned me.  

I also knew that she couldn’t talk to me when I telephoned them for I knew that their mother was always standing by them and listening to the call when I phoned.  When the children were being very guarded and mono-syllable in their responses I knew that their mother was close by.  The children would confirm this for me.  Disturbed by the poor health of my daughter I managed to communicate by Facebook.  We had the following text conversation which I share with her permission:

Hi ,

I'm worried about you and want you to know that you can talk to me at anytime. I realise it may be hard when XXXXXXX and xxxxxxxxx are around, or when your Mum is listening over the phone. It does concern me that you seem to cope ok when you are with me at the weekend, but looked so ill yesterday. Anything you type won't go any further, and it may help if you feel you have to bottle things up to protect every one.

Love you lots

Dad xx

o    I think I am just stressed out, I enjoy things more with you but at mums house It just stresses me out. I really want to live with you. love you two xx

·        

o    I'd love to have you all here all the time - the only thing that worrries me about that is the upheaval of changing school.

Love you xx

·        

o    yeah I know :/ ,
how far Is xxxxxxxxx to  xxxxxxxxxx?

·        

o    13 miles...20-30 minutes by car - we could work something out. Does your mum know you're stressed?

·        

o    no she doesn't

·        

o    it might help if you can say that to the doctor's without your mum knowing -- does mum leave you alone with the doctor?

·        

o    nope she sits there with me, I could tell student reception maybe?

·        

o    it would probably help you if you could talk to someone other than me or mum, ideally perhaps asking to see the doctor alone?

·        

o    you know what shes like, she won't let me talk to the doctor alone

·        

o    how does student reception work?

·        

o    well miss xxxxx says I can talk to her anytime about anything

·        

o    it might be a good idea to talk to her as soon as you can. The only thing i don't want to happen is for your schooling to be affected

·        

o    I will talk to her tomorrow

·        

o    Tell her she can contact me anytime. I want the best for you all

·        

o    Ok I will, I know you do but it won't help my school work at all if I'm stressed all the time

·        

o    Someone (whether me or the school) needs to tell your mum she's stressing you out and it's affecting your schoolwork..

Perhaps it might help you to think of all the different ways in which she's stressing you out and list them

·        

o    Its everything really, but recently it been the fact that she thinks I was skiving and I can't believe she would think that little of me, you know that I am not the type of person to miss school, so she obviously don't know me as well as I thought

·        

o    It breaks my heart xxxxxx, we have three amazing children and I'm so proud of all you and how you're coped with everything. I didn't want to leave when I did, but was given no choice. You need to say all this to Miss xxxxxxxx and whatever happens, I'm always here for you. If it means moving in with me, we will work it out so that school is unaffected.

I will speak to your Mum if you want me too, but she may just think I'm trying to cause trouble so it may be best from school..You know how she re-acted when i tried to speak to her about xxxxxxxx

·        

o    no its probably best if you don't tell her, I know you didn't want to leave but I know you had to, If I move in with you then I will maybe just have to wake up a bit earlier, That is the thing I love  school (sounds weird) but its the best school I have been to, you can guess that from my levels and stuff, I am going to tell miss xxxxxx tomorrow and I will tell you how it goes around this time

·        

o    I don't want you to leave that school  either...if you end up living here, I'll make sure you still get to school..

I love you so much, I think you're totally amazing and I'm really proud of you. xxxx

·        

o    thanks I love you too,
I'm going now so I will tell you what happens tomorrow
bye xx

·        

o    Bye and be brave

Love you xxx

·        

hi,
I tried to tell miss xxxxxx that I am stressed but she said I need a letter from my parents for some reason, so do you think you can write one and give it to me at the weekend on the quiet?
xx

·        

o    Hi xxxxxx Of course I can

Love you lots xxxx

o    hi xxxxxxx Missing you. School phoned me today, really glad you're able to talk to them. I love you lots and will always be here for you. I'm really proud of you, you are an exceptional young lady.

Keep smiling,

o    yeah did they tell you what they said to me;
they said they were going to phone you,
email my teachers so they can keep an eye on me,
contact the school nurse about my stomach pains and,
a school counselor is in for one day so they put me on the list so I can talk to her,
I was waiting for ages for the lady to come and talk to me but the only reason she did on Friday was because my friend xxxxxxxx went to her without me knowing and ask if she could come to me straight away because she could tell I needed to talk to someone, and that was nice of her, I am really lucky to have friends like her :)

It wasn’t too long after this that I left the church ministry, found a house near the school.  The eldest child came to live with me as described in part one of this blog.  A month later, my middle child telephoned me from a friend’s house distressed.   She’d reached breaking point and couldn’t cope with her home life anymore.  She’d made the excuse of going to see her friend.  Once she reached that safe haven, she’d decided that she couldn’t return. 

I went to collect her and asked her if her mother knew where she was.   She said no so I said I’d telephone her mother to let her know where she was and that she was safe.  

I made the call and said that I’d been asked to collect our middle child from her friend’s house as she was extremely distressed and upset.  Her mother said that they had had an argument.    I informed my ex-wife that our daughter was determined that she didn’t want to return there.  I then suggested that the best course of action would be to let our daughter stay with me overnight and then review the situation in the morning when tempers had subsided.  

My ex-wife seemed to agree to this approach, however just before midnight she telephoned me, asking me what was happening and when I said that we had agreed that our daughter was safer staying the night with me, she launched into an abusive tirade accusing me of kidnap and issuing all manner of threats against me.  I hung up the telephone because I didn’t need to listen to such rubbish and everything that could have been said rationally had been.  My daughter was safe and had made her choice, her mother knew where she was and there was nothing else that could be done at this point. 

Since moving in with me, this daughter has not experienced any more health issues and has excelled at school keeping minimum contact with her mother.

Should I stay or should I go?

This is a reflective piece of writing based on my ongoing thoughts.  I continued to stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of my children.  I didn’t want to be, nor could I be an absent father.  Nor in the early years did I know whether the physical assaults I experience would subsequently take place on my children.  In their young childhood, would they understand the reasons why I wasn’t living with them?  

These were questions I asked myself daily.  I couldn’t leave them.  Neither could I leave with them for I had nothing to fall back on.  If I walked out, I would lose my home and my job.  No agency would be interested in housing a man claiming domestic abuse.  Had I left with the children, no-one would question their safety or well-being and I would probably face police charges for child kidnap.  

So I stayed, but came up with an escape plan.  Once, the children had grown to independency I could leave and start living my life free from domestic violence.   Staying until then, I believed, would minimise the impact on them of living with Domestic Abuse and I would have protected them.

As it happened, my ex-wife eventually placed me in a situation when I choose not to go back to the family home.  That was, and will remain the hardest decision I will ever make in my life.

Did my staying until then minimise the impact of Domestic Violence on my children?  I don’t know.  I do know that it has affected them all in different ways and this troubles me. 

I have been reluctant in my blog to write too much about the children.   This was to protect their identity.  However, time has moved on and we are all living with the after-effects.  This is a summary of their story through my eyes.   I have two daughters and one son.  At the time of separation they were aged 15, 13 and 11. 

My eldest daughter was often on the receiving end of her mother’s vicious tongue.  This has caused her to be very sensitive to received comments and also very defensive.

The middle child was very placid in nature, trying to keep away from conflict and often would try and placate her mother.  She wrote for me the previous blog movingly explaining how the abuse affected her.

My son right from birth has had developmental issues.  Countless medical tests have been conducted on him right from birth until present day.  No diagnosis has ever been made although he does display symptoms in keeping with some of those on the autistic spectrum.  His gait and posture is very infantile and he displays frustration which quickly turns into vented anger when things don’t go right for him.  School has always been a struggle for him.

I have written elsewhere about my leaving the family home.   On the following Monday, my bishop had arranged a pastoral interview discussing the state of our marriage in the family home, first of all with my ex-wife and then I was asked to return for a joint meeting. 

My two daughters were still at school when I arrived.  My son was at home because his school hadn’t returned from their recess yet.  As I entered the house, I went straight to my son’s room where he was watching a film.  When he saw me, his response to me was very angry, shouting at me that I must pack my things and come home.  I was in tears and tried talking with him, trying to reassure him but he was in such a frenzy that he didn’t hear.  My bishop came up to try and calm my son down, telling him that he was loved and we were trying to sort everything out.

The girls were walking home from school and saw my car parked up so came running and screaming “Dad.”   I ran out to meet them and we embraced and cried.  No-one said anything, we just held each other for what seemed like eternity.  It was very heart-wrenching.

Although leaving the children was very distressing, once I’d broken the cycle of abuse I knew I couldn’t go back. Should I stay or should I go?   I went, there could be no going back.

A child witness speaks out about the impact of living with DV

I'm immensely touched by the bravery and honesty of my daughter who has written for me about the ongoing effect of witnessing Domestic Abuse has had on her and her siblings.

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People don’t seem to realize that domestic abuse effects the children who have grew up watching it. But as a child who witnessed it myself, I am writing to show it has a big effect on us. 

When I was younger and saw the way my mum behaved towards my dad I would just often go quiet. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t know what to say in fear of what my mum would say or do, or whether it was to try and keep some sort of peace in the house. But whichever reason it was for I know it just kept me out of arguments. 

However being quiet about it and bottling things up didn’t help me. 

When I was 14 I struggled more than ever. By this time my dad wasn’t living with us, and for this reason most people would assume things got better, but they didn’t. I felt like I couldn’t cope with the things I had seen, but also because I felt like I was on my own with a mum who didn’t seem mentally well. On top of struggling with her being ill, my younger brother also seemed just as ill as her. 

I remember one day in which my younger brother became so angry, when it was just me, mum and my brother living together, he became angry to the point where I was trapped into a corner because he was hitting and kicking me and I couldn’t move. This wasn’t the only time he would hit me or be violent towards me. However I didn’t blame him because I knew he didn’t understand it and only did it because he has grown up with it being the ‘normal’. 

So as I have said, I struggled and didn’t know how to cope. This resulted into me becoming very unstable and eventually, very suicidal. I began to self harm almost every night, not for attention as people think you do it for, but because I really thought my life couldn’t get better, and this would be the only way out. On top of this I began to have stomach cramps, this resulted in me having three weeks of school because most days I didn’t want to or feel the need to get up. I was given pills to help my stomach cramps which resulted in me taking the whole packet one night, as well as taking different paracetamol with them.

 I also remember wrapping a wire around my neck one night before I slept in hope that one morning I just wouldn’t wake up. Eventually I told my friend what I was doing and she soon told school. I don’t blame her for telling school because it was certainly the best and only thing to do. I ended up having to see the nurse once a week where she told me I was suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. With the help of my friend, the school and finding God through it, I soon got better.

Two years on I can say I no longer hurt myself like I did. However that doesn’t mean I am not still hurting deep down. The only reason I am hurting now is because I don’t have great childhood memories where as it seems everyone else has. But I’m coping so well now because I know I can’t change anything. I also know that without this happening I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now. 

So surprisingly I’m glad all this happened and I’m grateful for having such good people around me who were, and still are willing to help me. However just because I’m now coping so well doesn’t mean my brother isn’t. Which is why my mum needs to admit things and eventually help herself and my brother. Because right now the biggest effect of the whole situation is the one it has had on him.