This is a reflective piece of writing based on my ongoing
thoughts. I continued to stay in an
abusive marriage for the sake of my children.
I didn’t want to be, nor could I be an absent father. Nor in the early years did I know whether the
physical assaults I experience would subsequently take place on my
children. In their young childhood,
would they understand the reasons why I wasn’t living with them?
These were questions I asked myself
daily. I couldn’t leave them. Neither could I leave with them for I had
nothing to fall back on. If I walked
out, I would lose my home and my job. No
agency would be interested in housing a man claiming domestic abuse. Had I left with the children, no-one would
question their safety or well-being and I would probably face police charges
for child kidnap.
So I stayed, but came
up with an escape plan. Once, the
children had grown to independency I could leave and start living my life free
from domestic violence. Staying until
then, I believed, would minimise the impact on them of living with Domestic
Abuse and I would have protected them.
As it happened, my ex-wife eventually placed me in a situation
when I choose not to go back to the family home. That was, and will remain the hardest decision
I will ever make in my life.
Did my staying until then minimise the impact of Domestic
Violence on my children? I don’t
know. I do know that it has affected
them all in different ways and this troubles me.
I have been reluctant in my blog to write too much about the
children. This was to protect their
identity. However, time has moved on and
we are all living with the after-effects.
This is a summary of their story through my eyes. I have two daughters and one son. At the time of separation they were aged 15,
13 and 11.
My eldest daughter was often on the receiving end of her
mother’s vicious tongue. This has caused
her to be very sensitive to received comments and also very defensive.
The middle child was very placid in nature, trying to keep
away from conflict and often would try and placate her mother. She wrote for me the previous blog movingly explaining how the abuse affected her.
My son right from birth has had developmental issues. Countless medical tests have been conducted
on him right from birth until present day.
No diagnosis has ever been made although he does display symptoms in
keeping with some of those on the autistic spectrum. His gait and posture is very infantile and he
displays frustration which quickly turns into vented anger when things don’t go
right for him. School has always been a
struggle for him.
I have written elsewhere about my leaving the family
home. On the following Monday, my
bishop had arranged a pastoral interview discussing the state of our marriage
in the family home, first of all with my ex-wife and then I was asked to return
for a joint meeting.
My two daughters were still at school when I arrived. My son was at home because his school hadn’t
returned from their recess yet. As I
entered the house, I went straight to my son’s room where he was watching a
film. When he saw me, his response to me
was very angry, shouting at me that I must pack my things and come home. I was in tears and tried talking with him,
trying to reassure him but he was in such a frenzy that he didn’t hear. My bishop came up to try and calm my son down,
telling him that he was loved and we were trying to sort everything out.
The girls were walking home from school and saw my car
parked up so came running and screaming “Dad.”
I ran out to meet them and we embraced and cried. No-one said anything, we just held each other
for what seemed like eternity. It was very
heart-wrenching.
Although leaving the children was very distressing, once I’d
broken the cycle of abuse I knew I couldn’t go back. Should I stay or should I
go? I went, there could be no going
back.
No comments:
Post a Comment