It's Good to Talk

When I first began writing about Men’s Issues I adopted a non de plume, Si Victim.   This pseudonym was short for Silent Victim which reflected the way I had felt about enduring over 17 years of Domestic Abuse.

As a battered husband, I had nowhere to turn nor was there anyone I could speak to because wives just weren’t capable of attacking their partners.  It was unheard of!  I knew of no other man in my position.  Remaining silent effected every area of my life and everyday I remain on this earth, so to will the consequences of those years.

Having finally left the situation, I began rebuilding my life.  I discover that what had happened to me wasn’t as rare as I’d thought.  In fact, it was far more common than society would have you believe.  According to the latest figures from the British Crime Survey, out of every five Domestic Violence victims, two will be men.  Even more startling is the revelation that this is not a new development; Academic research over the last 40 years has consistently produced similar figures.

And yet, government funding for Domestic Abuse programmes has ignored the data choosing instead to bankroll the Feminist myth that all domestic violence assaults are due to male privilege. 

At least now, there is an acceptance among most Domestic Abuse service providers that men are affected by DV and they may now offer a ‘token’ service to Male Victims. Take, for example, this recent experience of mine.  I telephoned a local, well-advertised Domestic Abuse helpline.  On their publicity, there was no statement identifying that it was a gender-specific service.  Admittedly the cartoon of a cowering woman that accompanied the phone number would infer that it was. 

The first time I called, I went to voicemail and was asked to leave my name and number and an advisor would call me back.  I found this quite insensitive as most callers would be fearful about their personal safety and wouldn’t want to leave such details when their abuser could potentially intercept the call.  Minutes later, I tried again.  This time my call was answered.  I gave a brief summary of my story to be greeted with, “ We don’t deal with men, we only talk with women that are being abused by men.  I will have to refer you elsewhere.”

After holding on the line, I was given two telephone numbers: The Mankind Initiative 01823 334244 and the Men’s Advice Line  0808 802 4040.

No doubt about it had I been female, all manner of support would have been offered to me.

In November 2010, the Home Office published the strategy paper, ‘Call to end violence against women and girls’, setting out its approach for tackling domestic violence over the Parliament. This included £28 million funding for domestic violence support services.

That’s right £ 28,000,000 funding and all men really have are telephone helplines.

I have been speaking to many people (Councillors, Police & Crime Commissioners, Police Officers, Domestic Violence Prevention Officers etc) challenging this.  I keep hearing the same things:

“We know that men are victims too but…”

“Very few men engage with us.”

“You’re one of the few male victims prepared to talk about your experience.”

Having spoken at length on the lack of provision for services to men, I have come to the conclusion service aren’t provided for men because men don’t  speak out about their issues or seek the support/help they require/need.  This applies not just to Domestic Violence, but right across the spectrum of all men’s issues (such as health, education). 

On the whole, men don’t talk about their problems.  However, by remaining silent and not identifying our suffering, those areas which require service provision go unchallenged and are not addressed properly.

How can we change things?  A starting point is changing perception as to what it means to be a man.  When I look back at my childhood, we heard things like “Boys don’t cry” “Be a big, brave boy for mummy,” “Be a Man”  Such statements ‘encouraged’ us that we had to be tough, we couldn’t show any emotion because that was a sign of weakness, that we dealt with our own problems. 

We take these lessons into adulthood.  Men get mocked for suffering from Man Flu and yet, are very reluctant to visit their Doctors.  A visit to the GP’s surgery for a man is probably out of necessity.  Often, when asked by the GP why they have asked for an appointment, a man will reply, “It’s probably nothing but…” or “ I don’t mean to waste your time but my wife said I should get this checked out.” and then they discover that had they sought an earlier diagnosis, they would have been able for a better chance of recovery.

It’s good to talk and the sooner men learn to talk about the issues that affect us, the better services to men will become. Our inability to address our anxieties results in funding and services going elsewhere. 

Male Victim Event Day at University of Central Lancashire

It was a real privilege to be asked to speak at the recent Male Victim Event Day organised by the University of Central Lancashire  (Preston, UK) and I was thrilled to be included alongside people who are making a real global difference in changing public perception about Domestic Violence.”

The keynote speaker was Dr Denise Hines of  Clark University, Massachusetts.   Dr Hines is the Principal Investigator on a series of studies investigating the physical and mental health of men who sustain partner violence from their female partners and seek help. The most recent of these studies also investigates the mental and physical health of child witnesses and is being supported by a grant from the National Institute on Child Health and Human Development (USA).  About two years ago, I discovered the work of Dr. Hines, emailed her and she kindly put me in touch with some UK academics who were involved with her in an international research project.  It was though the follow-up contact with Dr Louise Dixon and Dr. Niki Graham-Kevan that I was invited to speak. 

Another speaker was Ian McNicholl whose ex-girlfriend was imprisoned for seven years for grievous bodily harm for the injuries she inflicted on Mr McNicholl.  Ian McNicholl  was involved  in the development of the Coronation Street storyline featuring Tyrone Dobbs and gave the soap a great insight into male victims of domestic violence.  Again, the Coronation Street storyline has brought great help to many people and I was honoured to stand alongside both Dr Hines and Ian McNicholl.

Also on the schedule of speakers were: Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services)  and Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland)

Attached Photograph.  L-R Ian Young, Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services), Dr Niki Graham-Kevan ( Reader, University of Central Lancashire), Ian McNicholl (ManKind Initiative Patron), Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland) and Dr Denise Hines.

This is a transcription of my speech

I’m a survivor of female perpetrated Domestic Abuse which has severely impacted me and my children.  It took place during the course of my marriage which lasted 17 years.  Today would have been my 21^st wedding anniversary.  While it was happening, I felt that I had nowhere to turn nor could I speak to anyone about it.  I felt so alone.  It affected every area of my well-being.  When I finally was able to come out of the marriage, it was at great personal cost.  As part of my own healing, I began writing and blogging about my experience and was overwhelmed by others contacting me to say that they were in similar situations and felt so isolated.  This motivated me to campaign to raise greater awareness about Domestic Violence and how it affects men in particular. 

How the abuse started

1992 was a momentous year for me.  I got ordained as a church minister and six months after ordination, I got married.  Just before our wedding, my ex-wifes mother died,  Her  Father had died when she was 7.  She never spoke about her childhood.  There were a few things she told me that were lies, and had I known that then, it might have changed  the course of our relationship. However, I was in an environment where you believed or wanted to believe everything was true.

I saw no  worrying behavioural traits when we were courting, but once we married things changed.  The first strange thing I remember was an over-reaction to me pouring a glass of cola.  I hadn’t rinsed the glass properly, and soap suds were still in the glass causing the cola to fizz up uncontrollable.  She started shouting uncontrollably at me, calling me names and all sorts.  I remember thinking , what’s your problem its only a drink.  On its own, that probably sounds silly but other  patterns started to emerge.   Prior to going into the ministry, I worked in the city of London in the banking sector and the one luxury I allowed myself was having an expensive aftershave collection.  One day, without any provocation,  she poured all my aftershaves down the sink.  She also began smashing ornaments of sentiment value and something that she would repeat for years, she would pour cups of hot drinks I made over me and would  smash a dinner plate (with the dinner still on it ) over my head.

The excuses I made

My ex-wife wouldn’t seek any sort of help.  She wouldn’t even take a headache pill.  I’m not sure whether she even recognised she had a problem.  In my mind, I made excuses for her.  I told myself that she was grieving and this was her way of coping.  I didn’t recognise what was happening to me as Domestic Abuse.  I equated it with the ‘worst’ part of the ‘for better for worst, in sickness and in health’ wedding vows I made.  And then the children arrived, our first daughter was born in 1995, our second daughter in 1997 and our son in 1999.  Her violent behaviour continued towards me.   As well as making excuses about the bereavement, I added Post natal depression to my rationale .  In 2000, my ex-wife only sister died quite suddenly and this left her with no immediate family.   Around this period of time, I recall overhearing my bishop ( who was the person I should to with any problems) joking with a colleague about another couple where the wife was quite a dominant character and the husband appeared hen-packed.  Again, I remember thinking ‘There’s no way I can come to you and speak about the abuse I was experiencing because you clearly have no understanding and would treat it as a joke.’  Around this time, was the only time my ex-wife inflicted me  injuries that were visible.   I can’t remember the how, but I ended up with 2 long scratch marks on my face where the skin had been broken.  People probably knew that that’s what they were but no-one said anything.  I was asked what had happened, and I told people that I’d walked into a rose bush.  I also learnt that while my ex-wife was in an aggressive mood, there was nothing I could do that would placate it.  I never once retaliated.   In the early days, I would try and argue back but this just further ignited her anger.  And so, I just absorbed it and waited until her anger had burnt out.  Once it did and she was calm, I would try and challenge her behaviour saying that it was completely unreasonable.  I always got one of two responses:  either denial to what had just happen or she’d say, “you’re a man, you can cope with it.”  The children witnessed much of this, and afterwards I would also say to the children, “Your mum’s not well, but she doesn’t realise how ill she is, we all just have to try harder to help her.”

Why did I stay

So why did I stay?  First of all, I took my marriage vows seriously.   I was in a culture where divorce was frowned upon  and it would also become hard for me to remain a minister as a divorcee.  At that point in time, the church was my life’s vocation.  And then the children arrived.  The thought of being separated from my children was my biggest fear .  My ex-wife never showed any physical aggression towards the children, although she was very verbally aggressive toward our eldest daughter in particular.  While I was there, I felt that I was also protecting the children.  I felt I could leave.   No one would help me even if I said that I was a victim of DV.  I was unaware of any refuges for men – I was even unaware that men could be victims of DV, how could I explain that to anyone.  I also had nowhere to go nor any means of starting again.  My salary as a church minister wasn’t great and the house I lived in belonged to the church.  She also wanted a lifestyle that we couldn’t really afford.  But appeasing her and trying to avoid anything that might lead to an explosion  was all I was bothered about.   And so, to that end, I over claimed on my expenses from the church to pay for the treats she wanted. 

The realisation

In 2009, I was reaching breaking point and I started keeping a journal of the abuse I was experiencing.  As well as the current stuff, I wrote down the abuse that I could remember.  It shocked me as I read it back as I realised that there was a lot of stuff that had occurred that I’d forgotten.  It also hit me that my account sounded so horrific it was hard to believe, and yet it was my reality.  I’d run out of making excuses and was in a poor state, mentally , physically and emotionally.  There was also an incident with my son who was then 9 years old that helped me realise I was kidding myself.  There been another violent episode  during the week where two dinner plates (containing fish and chips) had been smashed over my head .  This happened in front of the children.  On the Sunday, after our meal, I was in the Kitchen washing the dishes and my son brought his plate through and then proceeded to throw his left-overs at me.  While I never reacted to my ex-wife doing this, I did to my son shouting at him and telling him off.   There was a look of total confusion on his face and it dawned on me that he was copying his mother’s behaviour thinking that it was acceptable behaviour.  Was I really protecting my children?  My ex-wife started another type of episode around this time.  One day , we were sitting watching TV, and she just announced , I don’t want you here anymore. ‘ She turned violent towards me  and my safest option was to retreat and sit in my car.  She won’t let me back in the house.  So eventually, I drove to my parents’ house who now only lived 4 miles away.  It was the first time I acknowledged that things were bad although I didn’t tell them everything.  They tried to persuade me to stay the night at theirs.  I felt I couldn’t so I went back home but my ex wouldn’t let me back in the house.  I returned to my parents.  The next day , I returned home.. “you’re back then” she said and then behaved as if nothing had happened.  Three months later, she acted in a similar manner, but this time she also threw my clothes and personal belongings out of the front door.  I think she believed that I would return the following day and we would all pretend that it had never happened.  I didn’t.  This time, I knew I just couldn’t go back.

The aftermath

I went to my parents.  This time I showed them my journal.  They were horrified,  I ended up  sleeping on their sofa for 6-7 weeks.   I tried to stay working as a minister.  Despite being presented with evidence of DV, they wanted to sweep it all under the carpet.  I still have a letter where senior leadership ‘strongly urged me to return to the family home and resolve the difficult issues in our marriage.’  Eventually, my own financial malpractice came to light – I held my hands up, resigned as a minister and paid the church back the money they claimed was missing.    They still took legal action and I ended up receiving a police caution which tends to deter prospective employers from taking me on.  The children’s well-being was my only concern now.  I found a house to rent nearby their school.  My 3 children had had enough to cope with so I didn’t want to put any additional pressure on them.  My two daughters needed to escape and came and live with me.  My son stayed with his mum.  I think he feels guilty about everyone else leaving .  I do worry about the ongoing impact on him, all I can do is to try and be there. 

Being a victim of DV resulted in me losing my life’s vocation, my home, many of former friends. The one thing I fought not to lose was my children.  They are all I was left with.  Now, my life’s vocation is speaking out and trying to raise better awareness about DV and the impact it has on us men and our children.

Ian's DV awareness campaign @SiVictim

http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/

The Men's Room - A support group for men affected by DV

www.facebook.com/groups/mensroommDVUK/

Contact with Children

Neither parental responsibility nor the payment of child maintenance has any bearing on access to children.  With parents separating, the priority must surely be the residence (formerly called custody) of children.  Usually, with one parent having residence, the other will require contact (previously known as access).  The most important factor in any form of contact is whether it is beneficial to the child/children concerned. Enshrined within The Children’s Act 1989  is the principle that ‘the child’s/children’s welfare is the most paramount consideration.

It is always hoped that separating parents can come to a satisfactory settlement however should the courts be involved in the decision, the wishes of children aged 14 years and older are considered and are used to decide where the child will end up staying. Some courts may also consider the wishes of children aged between 8 and 13 years. It is important to note that the child does not choose where they want to live, the court considers their wishes and preferences about the parents.

Separating parents should put to one side the issues they have which each other in order to come to an agreement that acknowledges that the child/children’s well-being is the most important issue that need a satisfactory resolution.

Warring parents SHOULD NOT use their child/children and the terms of residence or contact as an opportunity to score points over the other party.

I can’t comment on how the family courts operate as I’ve had no personal experience of these.  However, I do know of many fathers who feel that the decisions of such court have victimized them and been more favourable to the mothers.

Tragically, official figures show one child in five whose parents have separated will lose touch with their absent parent within three years and in some cases they will never see them again. Many more lose contact with a parent most often with fathers when the parents have not been able to agree on where the child should live and how the child should be raised.

Parents should try and ensure that their contact time with their children should be a positive experience.  The children are often the innocent victims of the relationship breakdown. They are caught in the middle.  They don’t want to side with one parent against the other.  They often have to find their own way of dealing with their emotions and feelings about the separation of their parents. 

What follows is my list of DO and DON’TS to make that contact as helpful an experience as it could be for both parent and children:

DO’S

• Do keep all contact appointments.
• Do let your children know how special they are to you
• Do keep your word/promises to your children
• Do show interest in your children and all they are involved with
• Do assure your children that both parents love them and always will
• Do ensure that your time together is quality time
• If a venue for contact is an issue, do agree on a neutral venue
• If planning to take the children away on holiday, do consult the other parent first letting them know of your intention.  If you do take the children away, always inform the other parent of your location.
• Do try and keep calm when collecting the children.  Being drawn into any form of argument will create a bad atmosphere for the rest of the contact.
• Do assure your children that you will always have room for them
• Do male allowances for your children’s behaviour and feelings.  They will be hurting as well as you and this will manifest itself in different ways.
• Do take your children back to the other parent at the agreed time.  If there should be an unavoidable delay, let the other parent know asap of the problem and keep them updated about progress.

DON’T’S

• Don’t ever cancel your contact time – your children are your top priority come before any other engagement
• Don’t question your children about the activities of your ex-partner
• If in a new relationship, don’t initially include your new partner in your contact. Your children need time with you alone.  Eventually, the time will come when your children will feel comfortable about your new partner’s involvement
• If in a new relationship, don’t talk about your new partner’s children/family in front of your children until you have strengthen your relationship with your children and they are ready to be involved in your new family.  It must be on your children’s terms, not yours.
• Don’t’ leave your children with others during your contact time.  It is YOUR time not anybody else.  Your children deserve (and need) your undivided attention
• Don’t criticize the other parent in front of your children.
• Don’t ignore your children or leave them to their own devices during your contact time
• If the venue of  the contact is the ‘’old’ family home, don’t change the children's rooms or immediately re-allocate them (eg. to the children of your new partner).   Your children don’t want to feel that you have replaced them with your ‘new’ family.

Prone to Violence

I consider myself to be a logical person and a rational thinker.  For example, I usually keep things in the same place and so if I can’t find an item, I retrace my steps and hopefully soon find the object I’ve misplaced.  If my search is unsuccessful, I won’t rest until I discover it.   My logic tells me that the object I seek is exactly in the same place where I left it.  Most of the time, this approach works for me.  If it doesn’t, I can never rest until the search is over. My logical thinking always telling me that it’s exactly where I last placed it.  

However, if my ex-wife had misplaced something (losing her keys/purse etc.), I was always blamed for taking it (or moving it) .  This would then always seem to provide an excuse for yet another violent outburst. Having gained some insight from the excellent  ‘Prone to Violence’ by Erin Pizzey and Jeff Shapiro, I can now understand where her approach comes from.

When I was assaulted by my ex-wife, a similar thought pattern kicked in.  I ended up making excuses for her behaviour because that was the only way I could make logical sense of the abuse.

Looking back, I still struggle about how my ex-wife can portray herself as a pillar of the local community when I and our children know the real truth about her.  When challenged about her behaviour towards us, she either denies or waters down the severity of the offence.  Recently, she did admit to our daughter that she had had ‘anger issues in the past’ which is the first time she’s acknowledged anything.

I have reflected over these feelings before and my online friend, Andy Thomas of ‘A Voice for Men’, http://www.avoiceformen-uk.com/ suggested I read Erin Pizzey and Jeff Shapiro’s ‘Prone to Violence.’  This was a most insightful book and is being featured on ‘A Voice for Men’s’ website currently. 

Erin Pizzey founded the first refuge for all victims of domestic violence in the 1970’s.  She discovered that out of the many women coming to her refuge, most were as violent (if not more so) than the partners they were leaving behind.  ‘Prone to Violence’ is an account of the real truth about Domestic Violence. However, it can be a disturbing read because its message is one that the Governmental Policy Makers don’t want you to hear. 

I count it a real honour that some of my blogs are included along Erin Pizzey’s articles on ‘A Voice for Men’ website.  Erin’s latest article is well worth a read as she writes about how Domestic Violence policy developed to the detriment of men and their rights:

http://www.avoiceformen-uk.com/2013/08/mens-rights-hate-speech.html

Reading ‘Prone to Violence’ has given me some of the answers I’ve been seeking for a long time about my ex-wife’s abusive behaviour.  The book is based on experience and observation and lays out how Domestic Violence victims fall into two camps:  Battered Spouses and those Prone to Violence.  

The battered spouses tend to have grown up in emotionally-enabled families and fall victim to violent partners.  However, the ‘Prone to Violence’ types come from emotionally-disabled families, never knowing the proper love, care and nurture as young children that so many of us take for granted. As a result, these ‘Prone to Violence’ people learn from an early age that the only time they are noticed and given attention is when anger manifests itself and so they become addicted to that emotion/pain, even creating situations so that they can feel the buzz that the violent reaction gives them. 

The following excerpt seemed to be written for me and, at the very least, gives me some comfort of explanation that I have been searching for:

Prone to Violence, Chapter Five

……If you accept, as we do, that you are both emotionally and chemically bonded to your parenting, then it becomes so much easier to understand your own addiction. In a healthy family, that bonding plays its part while a child grows and learns. Then, when the child is ready to turn outwards, the bonds are slowly loosened, while the parents readjust their lives to use their time for themselves and enjoy their future with each other. The child meanwhile seeks to recreate the good, warm, loving  relationships and home environment that it experienced in its own home. Usually, this child will succeed. An emotionally and chemically synthesised maturing adult will seek the same relationship  with its partner. 

 On the whole, the emotionally able will avoid the discomfort and turmoil of the emotionally disabled. If by chance they do attempt to form a relationship with an emotionally disabled person, they will then find themselves in the position of a battered woman or battered man. Confused and bewildered, they continually misunderstand the messages they get from their partners. It is very rare  that they can actually do very much to change their partner. If their partner will not seek help, their best bet is to get out before children are born and they become the unwitting parents of another generation of damage. 

 Children born into violent homes will usually express the violence and betrayal of their childhood according to how it personally affects them, their position in the family, and their genetic inheritance. Instead of flowing with the warmth and the love of a happy family, they have had to survive against the violent and often incestuous onslaughts of their parents. Violent and incestuous families do not let each other go. The parents take little pleasure in each other's company, and use one or all of the children in the highly complex emotional theatre and battleground of the family.

Betrayal is the key word in these families. Betrayed parents in turn betray their children. They rob them of their childhoods. They exploit them physically. They exploit them emotionally. They keep them on edge in a jealous rage for attention. Then when the children do finally break away, the rest of their lives are spent in reaction against their parents. 

 Should a girl from a non-violent home marry a boy from such a family, the chances are that no amount of reassurance will ever convince him that she will be faithful to him. That primary betrayal of a faithless or promiscuous mother will make him morbidly jealous for life. His only hope is that he can find someone who can help him not only to come to terms emotionally with the damage, but also to be able to identify the moment when an event can trigger a chemical reaction in him that sets  off the emotion of jealousy, and then to relate it to the past, not the present. Sometimes it can be a smell, a perfume, an inflection in a voice, which can stimulate the feelings of betrayal, and bring the rage flooding back into the present. He then behaves in such a way that it is out of proportion with the current event. 

 Unfortunately, so far, very little work has been done in this field in Britain, where there is noticeable resistance to any attempt to understand why human beings behave as they do In other countries where I lecture, I find a great deal of interest and research going on. 

Thank you Erin Pizzey.

Should I stay or should I go?

This is a reflective piece of writing based on my ongoing thoughts.  I continued to stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of my children.  I didn’t want to be, nor could I be an absent father.  Nor in the early years did I know whether the physical assaults I experience would subsequently take place on my children.  In their young childhood, would they understand the reasons why I wasn’t living with them?  

These were questions I asked myself daily.  I couldn’t leave them.  Neither could I leave with them for I had nothing to fall back on.  If I walked out, I would lose my home and my job.  No agency would be interested in housing a man claiming domestic abuse.  Had I left with the children, no-one would question their safety or well-being and I would probably face police charges for child kidnap.  

So I stayed, but came up with an escape plan.  Once, the children had grown to independency I could leave and start living my life free from domestic violence.   Staying until then, I believed, would minimise the impact on them of living with Domestic Abuse and I would have protected them.

As it happened, my ex-wife eventually placed me in a situation when I choose not to go back to the family home.  That was, and will remain the hardest decision I will ever make in my life.

Did my staying until then minimise the impact of Domestic Violence on my children?  I don’t know.  I do know that it has affected them all in different ways and this troubles me. 

I have been reluctant in my blog to write too much about the children.   This was to protect their identity.  However, time has moved on and we are all living with the after-effects.  This is a summary of their story through my eyes.   I have two daughters and one son.  At the time of separation they were aged 15, 13 and 11. 

My eldest daughter was often on the receiving end of her mother’s vicious tongue.  This has caused her to be very sensitive to received comments and also very defensive.

The middle child was very placid in nature, trying to keep away from conflict and often would try and placate her mother.  She wrote for me the previous blog movingly explaining how the abuse affected her.

My son right from birth has had developmental issues.  Countless medical tests have been conducted on him right from birth until present day.  No diagnosis has ever been made although he does display symptoms in keeping with some of those on the autistic spectrum.  His gait and posture is very infantile and he displays frustration which quickly turns into vented anger when things don’t go right for him.  School has always been a struggle for him.

I have written elsewhere about my leaving the family home.   On the following Monday, my bishop had arranged a pastoral interview discussing the state of our marriage in the family home, first of all with my ex-wife and then I was asked to return for a joint meeting. 

My two daughters were still at school when I arrived.  My son was at home because his school hadn’t returned from their recess yet.  As I entered the house, I went straight to my son’s room where he was watching a film.  When he saw me, his response to me was very angry, shouting at me that I must pack my things and come home.  I was in tears and tried talking with him, trying to reassure him but he was in such a frenzy that he didn’t hear.  My bishop came up to try and calm my son down, telling him that he was loved and we were trying to sort everything out.

The girls were walking home from school and saw my car parked up so came running and screaming “Dad.”   I ran out to meet them and we embraced and cried.  No-one said anything, we just held each other for what seemed like eternity.  It was very heart-wrenching.

Although leaving the children was very distressing, once I’d broken the cycle of abuse I knew I couldn’t go back. Should I stay or should I go?   I went, there could be no going back.

A child witness speaks out about the impact of living with DV

I'm immensely touched by the bravery and honesty of my daughter who has written for me about the ongoing effect of witnessing Domestic Abuse has had on her and her siblings.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People don’t seem to realize that domestic abuse effects the children who have grew up watching it. But as a child who witnessed it myself, I am writing to show it has a big effect on us. 

When I was younger and saw the way my mum behaved towards my dad I would just often go quiet. I don’t know if it was because I didn’t know what to say in fear of what my mum would say or do, or whether it was to try and keep some sort of peace in the house. But whichever reason it was for I know it just kept me out of arguments. 

However being quiet about it and bottling things up didn’t help me. 

When I was 14 I struggled more than ever. By this time my dad wasn’t living with us, and for this reason most people would assume things got better, but they didn’t. I felt like I couldn’t cope with the things I had seen, but also because I felt like I was on my own with a mum who didn’t seem mentally well. On top of struggling with her being ill, my younger brother also seemed just as ill as her. 

I remember one day in which my younger brother became so angry, when it was just me, mum and my brother living together, he became angry to the point where I was trapped into a corner because he was hitting and kicking me and I couldn’t move. This wasn’t the only time he would hit me or be violent towards me. However I didn’t blame him because I knew he didn’t understand it and only did it because he has grown up with it being the ‘normal’. 

So as I have said, I struggled and didn’t know how to cope. This resulted into me becoming very unstable and eventually, very suicidal. I began to self harm almost every night, not for attention as people think you do it for, but because I really thought my life couldn’t get better, and this would be the only way out. On top of this I began to have stomach cramps, this resulted in me having three weeks of school because most days I didn’t want to or feel the need to get up. I was given pills to help my stomach cramps which resulted in me taking the whole packet one night, as well as taking different paracetamol with them.

 I also remember wrapping a wire around my neck one night before I slept in hope that one morning I just wouldn’t wake up. Eventually I told my friend what I was doing and she soon told school. I don’t blame her for telling school because it was certainly the best and only thing to do. I ended up having to see the nurse once a week where she told me I was suffering from stress, anxiety and depression. With the help of my friend, the school and finding God through it, I soon got better.

Two years on I can say I no longer hurt myself like I did. However that doesn’t mean I am not still hurting deep down. The only reason I am hurting now is because I don’t have great childhood memories where as it seems everyone else has. But I’m coping so well now because I know I can’t change anything. I also know that without this happening I wouldn’t be as strong as I am now. 

So surprisingly I’m glad all this happened and I’m grateful for having such good people around me who were, and still are willing to help me. However just because I’m now coping so well doesn’t mean my brother isn’t. Which is why my mum needs to admit things and eventually help herself and my brother. Because right now the biggest effect of the whole situation is the one it has had on him.

My own Learnt Behaviours

I hadn’t given too much thought to the behavioural patterns that we learn from our parents that influence our own lives and development until recently.  Perhaps, having reflected on the learnt behaviour of my own children and the impact of witnessing domestic abuse has had on them has caused me to look back on my own upbringing.

Elsewhere in my blog I have already written about the biggest benefit I received from the counselling I underwent was discovering the coping strategy I employed during my marriage was one I developed in my childhood.

My childhood was unusual.  My parents had met in church ministry and were part of a church that constantly moved their ministers to different locations.  A two year placement was considered long-term.  I attended nine different schools, four of those were in five years of secondary education.  With the exception of my last school, I was always the new boy in the classroom.  Although at the time I thought that this had no effect on me, I clearly failed to achieve my juvenile academic potential.  Life was one of constant change, with perhaps the most significant factor moving home and school during my O level option year.  When arriving at the new school, the O level syllabus had already been decided, so I ended up studying subjects for my GSCE O levels that carried pupil vacancies rather than the subjects I either particularly excelled in or had a passion for.

What of the influences that have made me the person I am?  I am the oldest child of three.  Although there are only 3 ½ years between me and my youngest sibling because of the way in which our birthdays fell, I was two years ahead of the middle child and this most often meant that I was at a different school to my younger siblings.   They were in successive years at school and therefore tended to attend the same school and perhaps, developed a closer bond with each other.  Therefore I was nearly always the new boy in the class, but also had no sibling to play with at break time.  I just got on with the cards life had dealt me.  I seemed to understand that things occurred beyond my control and so there was little point blaming my bad luck or circumstances.  There was no point in getting angry or losing my temper.   Therefore I have never been confrontational and would often seek to pacify should I find myself in a situation.   I just had to get on with living my life. 

My parents raised all three of us in a happy home where the family was important.  Of course, there was the occasional parental argument but these never ever resulted in any form of violent or aggressive behaviour.  My parents came from different backgrounds, my father was raised by his widowed mother and always tried to be the father that he never had.  He very rarely spoke about his own childhood but we knew that it was one of immense hardship and struggle.  Perhaps in taking this on board myself, is where I learnt my own coping strategy of ‘that’s life, get on with it.’  My paternal Grandmother was alive during my childhood, but we were separated by a vast distance so visits tended to be an annual holiday.   What was evident was the tremendous love my father had for his mother who showed great strength and fortitude in raising her family with little support.

My maternal grandparents were the one constant in my childhood.  They never moved house and their home was the one my mother grew up in.  Although we lived in various parts of the country, we were always able to journey there.  While my home and school continuously changed, my grandparents provided the roots I never really had elsewhere.  The family was everything.   Anything done in life was for the family and its well-being.

Although my childhood was unusual in comparison to most, by the fact I attended nine schools and had lived in twelve different houses, I had a good upbringing and happy childhood.  The adult I grew up to be was shaped by positive childhood influences.

However, no one imagines to find themselves in an abusive marriage.  I certainly hadn't.  These childhood influences meant that keeping the family together was of paramount importance to me and I just had to cope as best I could with all the issues.  I made excuses for her violent behaviour.  I tried to pacify her rages.  I reasoned that it was the 'worse' of the 'for better or worse' marriage vows I had taken. I had to shield and protect our children from her anger.  I just had to grin and bear the violent and verbal assaults and pretend to everyone that all was well.  Life goes on.

I still try to analyse my ex-wife’s abusive behaviour and always wonder whether it was fuelled by her own learnt behaviours, her childhood (of which I know little about) and even possible jealousy towards my own upbringing.  I guess I will never know.

Learnt Behaviours

In my previous blog on ‘Attitudes’, I highlighted the need for positive role models of BOTH genders in support services.  This blog on ‘Learnt Behaviours’ naturally follows on because people do tend to mirror the behaviour of those around them, but the issues I want to explore go deeper.

One of the factors that kept me remaining in my abusive marriage was my personal fears about the impact my leaving would have upon my children.  I felt I could protect my children from the abuse if I was present.  My ex-wife was never physically abusive towards the children although they witnessed several of her assaults on me.  Although she would still not recognise it, she was emotionally, psychological and verbally abusive towards the children.   I would try and minimise the effect by telling the children that ‘their mother wasn’t well – only she didn’t realise how ill she was – and we all had to try and stay calm to help her.’

A huge turning point on my recovery journey was when the youngest child threw dinner all over me.  This was something that my ex-wife had done a few days earlier and I realised that I wasn’t really protecting the children if they were seeing such attacks and coping them because they were beginning to see them as ‘normal’ family behaviours.

I have spent considerable time reflecting and trying to work out why my abusive ex-wife behaved towards me in the fashion she did.

I have to confess that I knew very little about her childhood and, in the years we spent together, she didn’t talk or wasn’t prepared to talk about it.  From what little I knew, I assumed it had been a difficult time so didn’t probe too much.  Her mother and father had met quite late in life and her father had died while she was in primary school education.  She had been raised by an elderly mother which couldn’t have been easy.  Her mother died just before we got married.  I did meet my mother-in-law but didn’t see in her any of the behavioural traits that would lead to me being domestically abused.  However, my knowledge of my ex-wives’ family was restricted to holiday visits as all her family lived on one of the offshore islands of the UK. 

The only time I was able to see a brief snapshot inside her childhood was when I received an email from someone that had gone to school with my ex-wife and wanted to make contact.  This person knew that she was a church minister and had sought to contact her through the church.   In the email, this old school colleague apologised for her treatment and the group bullying that took place towards my ex-wife.  She said that she’d experienced a traumatic life since school but had subsequently become a Christian and wanted to put things right.   I passed the email onto my ex-wife, but she didn’t want to know, screwing the paper that I'd printed the email on , up and throwing it away.  I suggested to my ex-wife that just out of common courtesy she should reply, but she just wouldn’t entertain the notion.   It was as if any sort of childhood experience/memory was a closed book and she wanted to keep it that way. 

I am convinced that some trauma(s) occurred to make her behave in the manner in which she did.  I can only speculate to the nature as she always refused to talk: was her own father abusive towards her mother?  Was her mother abusive towards her?  The email certainly suggested that she was seriously bullied at school?  

Is this my problem now that we are divorced?  Blocking out the childhood trauma (whatever it may be) may be her coping strategy, but the learnt behaviour from it led to an abusive marriage and emotional and psychological damage to our children.  Continued failure to deal with the past  will eventually affect any new relationship she may enter into and continues to impact the relationship she has with her own children.

The worrying thing for me now is that occasionally I see the children behaving in a manner reminiscent of their mother.  How do I handle this and break the possible cycle of abuse?  My children won’t enter into conversation about this and refuse to accept me comparing their episodic conduct with that of their mothers.  “I’m not like her!” “Don’t compare me to her!

While the dynamics in a parental relationship is different and the fall-out may get attributed to common teenage stroppiness etc., it does concern me that these examples of learnt behaviour could be destructive when transferred over into the intimate adult relationships that my children will form one day.  As a responsible and caring father, how can I change this?  I have spoken openly and honestly with my children about what happened but this doesn’t seem to be enough when I observe the same behavioural traits in my children that I witnessed in their mother.  How can I repair the damage that has already been done so that history doesn't repeat itself?  I wish  I knew.

A fearful silence

Part of an abusers armoury is their employment of emotional blackmail and constant belittling of the victim.  People looking from outside may wonder why one untrue spoken comment causes so much damage.  However it is not the sole innocuous word spoken in haste, but a constant barrage of depreciation wears the target down, who then starts to sink into low personal self-esteem and little confidence which then affects every area of their lives.

Abusers also use their environmental perception to further degrade their victim with comments such as  “No-one will believe you,” or “No one else would want you.”

My abuser would tell me every day in front of our children that she hated me.   This would be without any provocation and not even in the context of those barbed statements that are sometimes thrown in a verbal domestic exchange.   I stopped talking about our work (because part of our work load was shared), because she found fault with everything.  With hindsight, I probably stopped working to the best of my ability because I was just so tired of having to face a bombardment of insults concerning my labours.

Knowing that the slightest thing could trigger a violent assault from her, I completely withdrew into myself.  I put on a charade to hide the truth, but I wasn’t myself.  

I’ve already written that when challenged, my abusive ex-wife would respond with “You’re a Man, you can put up with it.”  She also resorted to emotional blackmail.  On a regular basis I would be told, “If you leave, I will destroy you completely,” and “I’ll take you for every penny”  That wasn’t hard since I didn’t have a penny to my name!

Being church ministers, our house was the property of the church (as was the car I drove).    She told me often that she could leave whenever she wanted because if she took the children, enough agencies would be willing to rehouse a single mother with three children.  She would also tell me that I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go and no-one would provide me with housing .

She was right, she knew it and exploited that fact.  She knew that, as a man, I was unlikely to tell anyone my fate at her hands.  She knew that there was no refuge resources for me. She knew that people would not and could not comprehend the level of abuse that I’d suffered.  She knew that people would assume I may be over-reacting to a simple fall-out. 

Men also remain silent because they know that it will be difficult to convince others that they are a victim of domestic abuse.  Sadly, the perpetrator usually exploits this knowledge to their own advantage increasing the psychological pressure on the victim.

The silence deepened.  I felt I had no choice.  As fear clouded over me, my mental and psychological well-being evaporated.   If you have followed my story, you will know that the point came after 17 long years when I choose not to go back into the abuse.  I escaped.  What happened?  

All the things I feared came true.  I did indeed have nowhere to go.  I ended up sleeping on my elderly parents’ sofa for 6 weeks.  Their bungalow wasn’t big enough to house me indefinitely.  Yes, there were many who though I was over-reacting to a simple fall-out.  Only it was far from simple and eventually the whole truth emerged.  

My fearful silence was over.  I won’t pretend it was easy. In fact, life which had been quite secure was now tough.  However, I’m a different person now.  The journey I’m on as a survivor is hard,  but I have regained my life.  No longer am I just existing from moment to moment, I’m learning to enjoy the moments living free of all fear.

New Beginnings

With all the security that my life had been built upon completely vanished, I stepped out into a new world.  I had to find somewhere to live independent of the church.  Virtually for all of my life the church had determined where I lived; now I had a free choice.   My only consideration was to be as close to the children as possible.  I also had to be practical in terms of budgeting.  My coping strategy was always mentally prepare for the worst case scenario then anything different would be a bonus.   I may be without a motor vehicle so walking distance from the children but also a safe location from Sandra was essential. 

With the help of my parents I found a suitable house and car.  I don’t know how I would have coped without parental support.  I would never have got through those days and they have continued to be there for me.  They are without a doubt, a couple of the very few people I’ve encountered who actually live by the Christian values they promote.

Another new beginning was meeting a very special woman who has helped me immensely.  Little by little I started sharing my story and she never ran away. There were times when I tried to push her away from me.  I felt unworthy of her affection.  Deep down I knew that all women weren’t like Sandra but my wounds ran deep.  I wasn’t sure whether I could let someone get so close to me.  I’d read that victims often move from one bad relationship to another.  I was afraid of re-entering a similar situation.   I struggled to understand how a woman could love me so unconditionally.   I still struggle on occasion.  There have been lots of down days for me, but she has always been there to pick me up.  I struggle because I know this is not her mess but part of my baggage.  We share the same sense of humour; we have some similar interests but to some outsiders may have seemed poles apart having come from completely different environments.  We are able to talk about anything and there are no recriminations.  Having a relationship like this sounds completely normal but to me it was an alien concept.  This lady is very special, she seems to understand me so well and recognises when I’m regressing in the past.  I thought I could never trust or love another woman again but she is helping me to live again and enjoy a healthy relationship.   Thank you darling I would be lost without you.

I was also enjoying my work.   I had been offered a contract within the organisation and was working in a long shift rota which also meant that I was able to gain additional hours on my days off.  Things seemed moving forward at long last.    

From Safety Zone to the Unknown

It seems strange to refer to coming out of a Domestic Violence situation as leaving a safety zone, but my whole life was such.  Everything in my life had been determined or influenced by the church authorities.  From the outset of this blog I have chosen to write anonymously but you may read and feel you recognise me.  If so, I ask that you continue to read in a sensitive manner for I am writing about the lives of real people. 

In ‘My Background’, I wrote of how some aspects of my life had been influenced by the church.  This seems an appropriate place to expand on that.   My parents were also church ministers and the church leadership would relocate them to different churches without any prior consultation.

I was born into this nomadic lifestyle where it felt natural to move house every few years. 

I attended nine schools and was often asked whether I thought my education suffered as a result.   Without stability my schooling was bound to suffer.   I attended five primary schools located all over the United Kingdom and, looking through old reports, my grasp of key subjects was a little sporadic.  Some subjects were covered twice or more, and some topics were missed completely.  I was always the new boy in class.  Having a keen interest in sport did help me to integrate into my new classes but I was always aware that at some point in the future, I would be moving away.

In five years of secondary education, I attended four schools.  Perhaps the most important occurrence was moving to another town during my third year (or Year Nine).  This is the year when a student decides what subjects they wish to study at qualification level.  By the time I changed school, all options had been decided by existing pupils. It meant that rather than study the subjects I excelled in or had a strong interest in, I ended up taking the subjects that no one else really wanted but I helped the school meet the quota of students to justify that particular course. 

The long-term impact of this was that the results I achieved fell short of my true ability.  At the age of sixteen I should have been considering further education and the possibility of university.  However, after nine school changes already,  even more changes were the last thing I  needed and so I didn’t fulfil my education potential.  I was even working for the church on days that I was supposed to studying for examinations.

My first job upon leaving school was working for the church, but it was through a church contact that I was able to commence working in some of the top Finance Houses.  This opened my eyes a little to the sheltered world in which I had been raised.  The church still bore a strong influence on me during this period of my life.  It was during these years that I left the security of my parents’ home.  I always used to joke that I never left home, home left me!  My parents were moved on by the church and I had no desire to go with them.  If I did, it would mean leaving friends and a job behind.

My parents arranged for me to rent a flat so that I could stay where I was.  Guess who my landlords were?   Yes, that’s right; the Church.

With such a background it seems inevitable that I would become a church minister.  The church had strong guidelines as to courtship and marriage.   I have already written about how the church determined who one should marry. 

Becoming a Church Minister provided a Safety Zone.  I had a rent-free house to live in with my only responsibility being for the utility bills. The Church took care of Council Tax and property repair payments. I drove a lease company car provided by the church.  I was responsible for my personal mileage but any travelling on church business was reimbursed by the church.  I know of many a church minister who claimed expenses for every car journey they undertook – strange how the provided car was never utilized for personal usage!  All aspects of car maintenance and insurance were arranged by the church and the lease company.

When I offered my resignation as a church minister, I had attended nine schools, lived in twenty-seven houses and led nine different churches.  Life outside of the safety zone of the church was unknown.  Nevertheless it was to the Unknown that I was effectively being throw into.

Forgiveness

After blogging about the effect of the church on my life, it seems to follow that the next subject should be forgiveness.  Love and forgiveness tend to be the two major themes Christians will preach .  As a minister I would often challenge my congregations by stating that sometime the church is actually the most unforgiving environment.  I grew up with historic stories about people who had committed all sorts of crimes, been forgiven and achieved some form of greatness.  However, within the church those who had let the church down in some way were banished.  Forgiveness certainly seemed to be in short supply among the majority of Christians.  Very few know the reasons why I left the church, but most have abandoned own friendship.  I can only suppose that this is because I committed the greatest sin of all: leaving their church.

It poses the question, ‘Why are so many Christians unforgiving?’  I have reflected on this and in my opinion it is because so many are cradle Christians, e.g. Brought up as regular church goers.  This means that they have lived their lives in a good or even godly fashion as decreed by their church.  This also means that they believe that their actions are always right or righteous and while they may admit to making mistakes they certainly don’t do anything wrong or sinful to use the language of the church.   Having lived such moral lives, these people have no need of personal forgiveness.  They will talk about forgiveness but have no concept on how to forgive others.  In fact, they will often bear a grudge against the so-called sinner. 

I, like many other ministers, was asked whether I could forgive a hardened criminal.  My stock answer would always be ‘it depends on whether they want to be forgiven.’  To forgive someone is all about your own response and feelings to them, as far as the other person is concern it makes no real difference to them.  It is about my attitude towards them of which they may be totally oblivious to.

I was once asked if I could forgive Sandra for all she did to me. I have to move on with my life and waiting for her to ask for forgiveness would only hold me back.  I won’t forgive Sandra but I feel it doesn’t matter anymore whether I do or don’t forgive.  Forgiveness would only matter if there was reconciliation or continuance in the relationship.

 I am completely devoid of any emotion.  Even today, Sandra has never offered any form of apology nor accepted any responsibility for her actions. I can’t forgive and will never forgive.  For me forgiveness is unimportant now.  For years I made excuses and I guess because I stayed, I forgave her.  It served no purpose. It never improved the situation. The only thing I want is some form of admission of the abuse that took place. 

 

Church

Church had been a huge part of my life.  I could not recall a time in my life when I had no association with the church.  I had been an adult member since the age of fourteen. The majority of my friends were connected to the church.  Senior churchmen had decided that I was no longer worthy of membership.  I knew of people that had been imprisoned and behaved immorally and still stayed members of the church.    All my life I had listened too sermons on the themes of compassion and forgiveness but these were virtues not to be found in many so-called Christians.

The only people who were told officially about my membership cancelation were the elders of the last church I ran.  Otherwise, it was left to me whether I divulged that information or not to others.

This meant that I could not attend services at any church in the same diocese because members of the congregation knew me and would want to know my story.  If I went and attended elsewhere, I would be invited to participate in the service.  This would then mean that I would have to explain that I no longer belonged to the church. 

I was soon informed of certain rumours that were circulating over my resignation.  Many within the diocese couldn’t understand why a minister of my calibre would quit without explanation.  Some were saying that the church I led had treated me abysmally and this was why I had left.  Readers of this blog will know that such gossip could not be further than the truth.  However, I hardly wanted the reasons I left to be known by all and sundry.   The last church I led was full of good, caring people (which sadly is a rarity in the church) and I didn’t want their good name tarnished over silly rumour. 

I felt the only way to stop this chitchat was to attend services although I wasn’t really emotionally ready to go back so soon.  I deliberately entered the church just as the service commenced finding a seat as close to the door as possible.  I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I found a place to sit.  That initial visit was very surreal as the last time I was in that church I had been conducting the Easter Sunday service from the pulpit.  It was like an out of body experience.  I was there physically but absence in every other sense.  I stayed in the church for most of the service but intentionally left as the benediction was being sung.   I couldn’t face speaking to anyone; I knew that it would be too much for me. 

I wanted to go to church but attending any church in my own denomination was too painful.  I was hesitating about trying another church because a visitor was easily recognised due the small sized congregations.  The last thing I needed was an over exuberant welcome and questions about my background.  I knew that such interest would be good natured and with the purpose of trying to attract a new church member by being friendly.    The last thing I wanted to do was to explain who I was because once I revealed I’d been a church minister, I could imagine that I’d be encouraged to volunteer for all sorts of activities.   I’d heard of a church that had over thousand people attend its services and this sound the sort of place where I could go to worship, but also hide in a crowd at the same time.

I attended periodically for a while but gradually the novelty wore off.  I still felt deeply hurt by the actions of some so-called Christians and the little faith that remained weakened.  Members of the last church I was the minister at, have kept in touch and have been a good source of encouragement.  However in the storms of life you soon learn who your true friends are.  At one time I thought that I had lots of friends within the church, but know I realise that they were nothing more than associates.  Shortly after my resignation I was standing immediately behind one minister in a supermarket queue and they completely ignored me.  Another minister emailed me and arranged to meet me for a chat.  I agreed and we made arrangements. “I understand things can be tough when you leave the church and I want to be a good friend to you,” he told me.  That was the last time he spoke to me and a few months later I went to a church service  he was leading, he walked straight past me blanking me.  So much for friendliness within the church.