Neither parental responsibility nor the payment of child
maintenance has any bearing on access to children. With parents separating, the priority must
surely be the residence (formerly called custody) of children. Usually, with one parent having residence,
the other will require contact (previously known as access). The most important factor in any form of contact
is whether it is beneficial to the child/children concerned. Enshrined within The
Children’s Act 1989 is the principle that
‘the child’s/children’s welfare is the most paramount consideration.
It is always hoped that separating parents can come to a satisfactory
settlement however should the courts be involved in the decision, the wishes of
children aged 14 years and older are considered and are used to decide where
the child will end up staying. Some courts may also consider the wishes of
children aged between 8 and 13 years. It is important to note that the child
does not choose where they want to live, the court considers their wishes and
preferences about the parents.
Separating parents should put to one side the issues they
have which each other in order to come to an agreement that acknowledges that
the child/children’s well-being is the most important issue that need a
satisfactory resolution.
Warring parents SHOULD NOT use their child/children and
the terms of residence or contact as an opportunity to score points over the
other party.
I can’t comment on how the family courts operate as I’ve
had no personal experience of these.
However, I do know of many fathers who feel that the decisions of such
court have victimized them and been more favourable to the mothers.
Tragically, official figures show one child in five whose
parents have separated will lose touch with their absent parent within three
years and in some cases they will never see them again. Many more lose contact
with a parent most often with fathers when the parents have not been able to
agree on where the child should live and how the child should be raised.
Parents should try and ensure that their contact time with their
children should be a positive experience.
The children are often the innocent victims of the relationship
breakdown. They are caught in the middle.
They don’t want to side with one parent against the other. They often have to find their own way of
dealing with their emotions and feelings about the separation of their
parents.
What follows is my list of DO and DON’TS to make that contact as helpful
an experience as it could be for both parent and children:
DO’S
- Do keep all contact
appointments.
- Do let your children know
how special they are to you
- Do keep your word/promises
to your children
- Do show interest in your
children and all they are involved with
- Do assure your children that
both parents love them and always will
- Do ensure that your time
together is quality time
- If a venue for contact is an
issue, do agree on a neutral venue
- If planning to take the
children away on holiday, do consult the other parent first letting them
know of your intention. If you do
take the children away, always inform the other parent of your location.
- Do try and keep calm when
collecting the children. Being
drawn into any form of argument will create a bad atmosphere for the rest
of the contact.
- Do assure your children that
you will always have room for them
- Do male allowances for your
children’s behaviour and feelings.
They will be hurting as well as you and this will manifest itself
in different ways.
- Do take your children back
to the other parent at the agreed time.
If there should be an unavoidable delay, let the other parent know
asap of the problem and keep them updated about progress.
DON’T’S
- Don’t ever cancel
your contact time – your children are your top priority come before any
other engagement
- Don’t question
your children about the activities of your ex-partner
- If in a new
relationship, don’t initially include your new partner in your contact.
Your children need time with you alone.
Eventually, the time will come when your children will feel comfortable
about your new partner’s involvement
- If in a new
relationship, don’t talk about your new partner’s children/family in front
of your children until you have
strengthen your relationship with your children and they are ready to be
involved in your new family. It
must be on your children’s terms, not yours.
- Don’t’ leave
your children with others during your contact time. It is YOUR time not anybody else. Your children deserve (and need) your
undivided attention
- Don’t criticize the other parent in front of your children.
- Don’t ignore
your children or leave them to their own devices during your contact time
- If the venue
of the contact is the ‘’old’ family
home, don’t change the children's rooms or immediately re-allocate them
(eg. to the children of your new partner). Your children don’t want to feel that
you have replaced them with your ‘new’ family.
Good afternoon. I should like to send you a personal email, could you please send me your email address? Thanks.
ReplyDeleteMike Buchanan
JUSTICE FOR MEN & BOYS
(and the women who love them)
http://j4mb.org.uk
mike@j4mb.org.uk
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