Contact with Children

Neither parental responsibility nor the payment of child maintenance has any bearing on access to children.  With parents separating, the priority must surely be the residence (formerly called custody) of children.  Usually, with one parent having residence, the other will require contact (previously known as access).  The most important factor in any form of contact is whether it is beneficial to the child/children concerned. Enshrined within The Children’s Act 1989  is the principle that ‘the child’s/children’s welfare is the most paramount consideration.

It is always hoped that separating parents can come to a satisfactory settlement however should the courts be involved in the decision, the wishes of children aged 14 years and older are considered and are used to decide where the child will end up staying. Some courts may also consider the wishes of children aged between 8 and 13 years. It is important to note that the child does not choose where they want to live, the court considers their wishes and preferences about the parents.

Separating parents should put to one side the issues they have which each other in order to come to an agreement that acknowledges that the child/children’s well-being is the most important issue that need a satisfactory resolution.

Warring parents SHOULD NOT use their child/children and the terms of residence or contact as an opportunity to score points over the other party.

I can’t comment on how the family courts operate as I’ve had no personal experience of these.  However, I do know of many fathers who feel that the decisions of such court have victimized them and been more favourable to the mothers.

Tragically, official figures show one child in five whose parents have separated will lose touch with their absent parent within three years and in some cases they will never see them again. Many more lose contact with a parent most often with fathers when the parents have not been able to agree on where the child should live and how the child should be raised.

Parents should try and ensure that their contact time with their children should be a positive experience.  The children are often the innocent victims of the relationship breakdown. They are caught in the middle.  They don’t want to side with one parent against the other.  They often have to find their own way of dealing with their emotions and feelings about the separation of their parents. 

What follows is my list of DO and DON’TS to make that contact as helpful an experience as it could be for both parent and children:

DO’S

• Do keep all contact appointments.
• Do let your children know how special they are to you
• Do keep your word/promises to your children
• Do show interest in your children and all they are involved with
• Do assure your children that both parents love them and always will
• Do ensure that your time together is quality time
• If a venue for contact is an issue, do agree on a neutral venue
• If planning to take the children away on holiday, do consult the other parent first letting them know of your intention.  If you do take the children away, always inform the other parent of your location.
• Do try and keep calm when collecting the children.  Being drawn into any form of argument will create a bad atmosphere for the rest of the contact.
• Do assure your children that you will always have room for them
• Do male allowances for your children’s behaviour and feelings.  They will be hurting as well as you and this will manifest itself in different ways.
• Do take your children back to the other parent at the agreed time.  If there should be an unavoidable delay, let the other parent know asap of the problem and keep them updated about progress.

DON’T’S

• Don’t ever cancel your contact time – your children are your top priority come before any other engagement
• Don’t question your children about the activities of your ex-partner
• If in a new relationship, don’t initially include your new partner in your contact. Your children need time with you alone.  Eventually, the time will come when your children will feel comfortable about your new partner’s involvement
• If in a new relationship, don’t talk about your new partner’s children/family in front of your children until you have strengthen your relationship with your children and they are ready to be involved in your new family.  It must be on your children’s terms, not yours.
• Don’t’ leave your children with others during your contact time.  It is YOUR time not anybody else.  Your children deserve (and need) your undivided attention
• Don’t criticize the other parent in front of your children.
• Don’t ignore your children or leave them to their own devices during your contact time
• If the venue of  the contact is the ‘’old’ family home, don’t change the children's rooms or immediately re-allocate them (eg. to the children of your new partner).   Your children don’t want to feel that you have replaced them with your ‘new’ family.

The Onion

.....This Blog Entry is written by the special woman that has entered my life.

You might expect embarking on a relationship with someone who has experienced domestic violence to be like trying to knock down a brick wall...............

SV and I started dating casually after meeting at a local supermarket. Our first meeting involved going for coffee and a walk – only the cafe was closed!

We agreed we didn’t want anything serious at this stage but by about our third meeting I thought to myself I could really talk to this chap – About everything and nothing!

He didn’t give a lot away at first. His marriage was over and that it had been a difficult marriage and his wife wasn’t the easiest to live with.  I recall at this time trying to understand why the wife might have been difficult, trying to see things from her point of view.

Our relationship developed and we began spending more time together. We sat cuddled on the sofa watching TV and SV remarked that it was the first time he had sat and watched TV with someone in this way. We occasionally spent the night together and after a goodnight kiss and cuddle SV would migrate to the far side of the double bed and huddle into a foetal position and go to sleep.

As time went on and we shared more of our experiences with each other SV told of some of the experiences during the time of his marriage. At first he would talk of the verbal tirade he would experience if he returned home late for any reason (First Layer). As time went on he would divulge that the verbal tirade may involve a violent act against him (Second Layer). More recently SV would reveal that both the verbal tirades and violent acts were usually spurned from a deliberate act or omission on the part of his wife. The real story emerges.

It is definitely the forum of the computer that has supported SV in the past during the difficulties of his marriage. He used to describe a life of isolation cut off from his wife and the rest of the family in his own computer room. I’ve no doubt that chat rooms and computer games were his escape into a world where he could invent other personas and leave his real self behind. I’m sure he ventured back into this world occasionally when our relationship had the odd teething problem.

To use a well worn cliché – we have been on a journey -one that has involved unravelling layer upon layer. One might say unloading an amount of emotional baggage. On reflection the ‘baggage’ was empty. A forty –something man who remarked on the delights of day to day experiences ‘as a couple’. For me this was nothing but a bonus – not having to live up to the memory of past romantic liaisons with a significant other. I felt like the first and the cherished person in this scenario. 

Nowadays we have a very close relationship, not in the sense of marriage or cohabiting but as close as two people can be. We are often taunted by our peers at being tactile and ‘joined at the hip’. I of course have my own past and  my own story but right here right now – I LOVE MY ONION !

New Beginnings

With all the security that my life had been built upon completely vanished, I stepped out into a new world.  I had to find somewhere to live independent of the church.  Virtually for all of my life the church had determined where I lived; now I had a free choice.   My only consideration was to be as close to the children as possible.  I also had to be practical in terms of budgeting.  My coping strategy was always mentally prepare for the worst case scenario then anything different would be a bonus.   I may be without a motor vehicle so walking distance from the children but also a safe location from Sandra was essential. 

With the help of my parents I found a suitable house and car.  I don’t know how I would have coped without parental support.  I would never have got through those days and they have continued to be there for me.  They are without a doubt, a couple of the very few people I’ve encountered who actually live by the Christian values they promote.

Another new beginning was meeting a very special woman who has helped me immensely.  Little by little I started sharing my story and she never ran away. There were times when I tried to push her away from me.  I felt unworthy of her affection.  Deep down I knew that all women weren’t like Sandra but my wounds ran deep.  I wasn’t sure whether I could let someone get so close to me.  I’d read that victims often move from one bad relationship to another.  I was afraid of re-entering a similar situation.   I struggled to understand how a woman could love me so unconditionally.   I still struggle on occasion.  There have been lots of down days for me, but she has always been there to pick me up.  I struggle because I know this is not her mess but part of my baggage.  We share the same sense of humour; we have some similar interests but to some outsiders may have seemed poles apart having come from completely different environments.  We are able to talk about anything and there are no recriminations.  Having a relationship like this sounds completely normal but to me it was an alien concept.  This lady is very special, she seems to understand me so well and recognises when I’m regressing in the past.  I thought I could never trust or love another woman again but she is helping me to live again and enjoy a healthy relationship.   Thank you darling I would be lost without you.

I was also enjoying my work.   I had been offered a contract within the organisation and was working in a long shift rota which also meant that I was able to gain additional hours on my days off.  Things seemed moving forward at long last.