Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while.  As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse.   I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions.  There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.  

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with.  I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such.  In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse.   Other men have said similar to me.  Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women?  Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH.  Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence.  They will make excuses.  Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.  

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions.  It always someone else’s fault.  If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.  

The media contributes to this.  Read all the news reports from the courts.  If a man is in court, there’s no leniency.  If a woman is tried for a crime  9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it.  If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction.  The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting?  Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’.  A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner.  She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence.  I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference. 

But this highlights the difference in my eyes.   In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions. 

False Accusations

I’m not usually over enamoured with the effects and understanding shown about Domestic Violence issues by my local Police Force.  However, a report in the Nottingham Post of 9^th September 2014 shows that perhaps things are changing.

 In the report entitled “Woman’s lies got her ex-partner arrested, “ the account tells how

“Pregnant Amy Whitham’s ex-partner was arrested after she falsely claimed he was going to arrange to “have her head kicked in,” a court heard.”

Obviously the Police have a duty to investigate such allegations. I do wonder whether they would have treated the accusation with the same enthusiasm though had the complainant been the male ex-partner!  I doubt it.

However, the report continues:

“He was arrested and questioned by detectives, Notting Crown Court heard.  But police soon established that the only person sending the messages was Whitham – through an e-mail account she had set up in his name.  Yesterday Whitham was sentenced for perverting the course of justice – on the strength of her making the false witness statement to police last November.”

So well done Nottingham Police for charging this woman.  What sentence did she receive?  To continue quoting the report:

“Judge James Sampson decided not to send Whitham into custody because she has two young children to care for and is expecting a third.  “As a mark of compassion, I’m prepared to suspend this sentence,” he told her.

Again, I ask ‘Would such compassion have been shown to her ex-partner?’  Probably not.  We all know that should he have been charged with the false allegation, he would have received a custodial sentence.

Further more, why do Judges be far more lenient on women criminals when well-known documentary evidence exists that states that young children are more at risk from harm in the care of mothers than fathers?  

Women such as Amy Whitham who think nothing of making false accusations against partners actually make it far more difficult for real victims to speak out and be heard, irrespective of gender.

Why did she do it?  To quote the report again, “No reasons were given at the hearing about why Whitham made up the claims.”

Now that’s a real surprise isn’t it?   I can tell you exactly why.   Whitham was on a revenge mission and wanting to hurt her former partner.  What easier way than to make up such allegations?   Women like Whitham know the climate is such that once she’d made her statement, her ex-partner would be seen as ‘guilty, until proven innocent.’  Fortunately, in this case, his innocence could be proved.  I have also heard of divorce settlements where Lawyers have encouraged the woman to make an accusation of domestic abuse in order to secure both a bigger alimony and residence of children.  This has been in relationships where there has been no record or evidence of abuse, no investigation of the allegations carried out, and yet the mere mention of being seen to be a victim of domestic violence has resulted in the desired financial reward.

The whole system needs an overhaul so that the practise of making false allegations stops completely.

Karma

At a recent family gathering, I was asked what my views were concerning Karma.  It seemed a little strange as an opening gambit from a relative who I only tend to see at family occasions.  However, I’ve often posted about my spiritual journey which has taken me from being a Christian church minister  to flirting with Atheism.  So I guess, it wasn’t  that strange a question after all.  I had certainly been reflecting on my own beliefs and the origins of personal belief.  My initial response was to say that “it’s probably easier to say what I don’t believe, rather than what I do believe.”

I don’t believe in the concepts of eternal/everlasting or indeed previous lives now.  The only thing we know with any certainty is that we are living this life now.  There is no factual evidence for anything before or after.  I know that some people claim to have had near-death experiences that equate to their own particular belief of what happens next, and there are those who under a form of hypnosis called past-life regression.   My own take on these ‘experiences’ is that the person’s own belief system has already influenced that person’s mind, so your sub conscious tells you what you want to hear. 

Similarly, well-meaning Christians have tried to convince me of the errors of my ways in turning my back on their faith by employing  Pascal’s Wager.  Pascal's Wager is an argument in philosophy which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician, and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss.  In other words, you have nothing to infinite loss, but everything to gain by believing in a God.  If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, you lose nothing.  It’s a hedge your bets argument.  Strange when most Christians/church teaching is opposed to Gambling, they ask you to ‘bet on the existence of god.’

As for Karma I can’t hold the view that my existence in a previous life, affects my current position now.  I have made conscious decisions and then had to live with the consequences of those decisions, many positive and some negative.  Nothing from an unknown past has influenced those decisions. 

However, there is a different type of Karma that we all often refer too.  Phrase like “What goes round comes round,” and “they’ll get what coming to them” has entered our vocabulary.   When someone hurts us or commits an injustice against us and isn’t punished, we use the afore-mentioned statements hoping that everything balances out, that the pain we have felt will soon be inflicted on the person that hurt us.  Does it happen?  It would be nice and rather comforting to think that it does, but in all reality it probably doesn’t.  My abuser has never accepted any responsibility for her actions and has failed to grasp the impact and consequences of her violent actions have had on me or our children.  While I hoped that natural karma would happen, so far it hasn’t.  She carried on living her live oblivious to the destruction she’s caused.  For me, I had to let go of wanting such karma to happen and move on with my life.   While I was anxious for my abuser to receive retribution for her crimes against me, the angst it caused me was a way of still allowing her to abuse me.    I guess I don’t believe in any form of Karma either. 

All that matters to me is the here and now and what I make of it.

Personality Disorders

For years while I endured sustained assaults and suffered Domestic Abuse, I made excuses for my perpetrator.  My attacker has never shown any remorse for her actions or even acknowledged the impact it has had on me and our children.  It’s over 4 years since I escaped from the relationship and I’ve been able to move forward, but I still try and seek understanding as to why my ex behaved in the manner she did.  

Most of the data sources will tell you that Domestic Violence perpetrators are narcissistic  and taking full advantage of male privilege.  However, when pointed out that women can also behave in a violent manner towards their intimate partners, denial can no longer be used that this actually happens because it’s now accepted as possible.   Mind you, if a woman is a perpetrator of Domestic abuse, it is because of the effects of alcohol abuse or illness. 

This train of thought is very familiar to me for I used to tell my children after they’d witnessed their mother attack me, “Your mum’s not well, only she doesn’t realise it – we must all try and keep calm to help her.”

I have spoken to many people describing what I experienced.  Quite a few, from different backgrounds which included Mental Health professionals, all commented along similar lines, “Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD)”

The main way of diagnosing BPD is the matching of 5 out of 9 criteria.  Diagnosis, though, are hard to come by because treatment is often extremely difficult because of the way the patient’s anger control skills and interpersonal skills could manifest themselves.

My own personal research into Personality Disorders certainly gave me some answers for I could identify certain types of behaviour.   I saw behavioural patterns that were consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I also saw behavioural traits that matched another disorder known as Antisocial Personality Disorder ( also known as Dissocial personality disorder). 

Antisocial personality disorder,  borderline personality disorder, along with narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder, and are so closely related that they are referred to as the "antagonistic" cluster of personality disorders.  If antagonistic sounds too harsh, this group is often referred to as Emotive and Impulsive Cluster.

From my research, interviews with other DV victims and discussions with professionals, it is my belief that ALL perpetrators of Domestic Abuse, irrespectively of gender, have a personality disorder from this antagonistic cluster.

Let me briefly explain each type:

Dissocial [Antisocial] Personality Disorder F60.2 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Dissocial [antisocial] personality disorder is characterized by disregard for social obligations, and callous unconcern for the feelings of others. There is gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social norms. Behaviour is not readily modifiable by adverse experience, including punishment. There is a low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence; there is a tendency to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behaviour bringing the patient into conflict with society.

Borderline Personality Disorder F60.3 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable and capricious. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour, including suicide gestures and attempts.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder F60.8 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Narcissistic personality disorder is not classified as a specific personality disorder by the World Health Organization's ICD-10. In contrast, the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5 does classify this as a specific personality disorder; characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), interpersonally exploitative, envious of others, arrogant attitudes,  need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

Histrionic Personality Disorder F60.4 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by shallow and labile affectivity, self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions, suggestibility, egocentricity, self-indulgence, lack of consideration for others, easily hurt feelings, and continuous seeking for appreciation, excitement and attention.

Causes of personality disorders

The causes of personality disorders are not fully known. Possible causes include trauma in early childhood such as abuse, violence, inadequate parenting and neglect. Genetic  and neurological factors could also play a part in the onset of a personality disorder.

These findings are consistent with my own views for I believe that the actions of a domestic violence perpetrator stem from their own learnt behaviours of childhood.  If they have experienced some early life trauma and not received the necessary professional help, that ‘learnt’ behaviour has moulded their personality disorder.  I have written elsewhere about my own experience and my ex- wife’s background which hinted at some deep trauma which she has never divulged. 

At the start of the piece I drew attention to the contrasting attitudes towards gender-specific perpetrators…men abuse because they think themselves superior while women only abuse because they are ill ( and alcohol abuse is also viewed as an illness).  Actually, we need to destroy all the gender myths.  Domestic Violence is NOT Gender-specific.  Both men and women abuse and both men and women are victimised.  Substance abuse is now considered an illness, and perhaps we will only see great inroads into solving and minimising the occurrence of domestic abuse incidents when we accept that ‘prone to violence’ behaviour is also an illness and treat ALL perpetrators for personality disorders.  

Male Victim Event Day at University of Central Lancashire

It was a real privilege to be asked to speak at the recent Male Victim Event Day organised by the University of Central Lancashire  (Preston, UK) and I was thrilled to be included alongside people who are making a real global difference in changing public perception about Domestic Violence.”

The keynote speaker was Dr Denise Hines of  Clark University, Massachusetts.   Dr Hines is the Principal Investigator on a series of studies investigating the physical and mental health of men who sustain partner violence from their female partners and seek help. The most recent of these studies also investigates the mental and physical health of child witnesses and is being supported by a grant from the National Institute on Child Health and Human Development (USA).  About two years ago, I discovered the work of Dr. Hines, emailed her and she kindly put me in touch with some UK academics who were involved with her in an international research project.  It was though the follow-up contact with Dr Louise Dixon and Dr. Niki Graham-Kevan that I was invited to speak. 

Another speaker was Ian McNicholl whose ex-girlfriend was imprisoned for seven years for grievous bodily harm for the injuries she inflicted on Mr McNicholl.  Ian McNicholl  was involved  in the development of the Coronation Street storyline featuring Tyrone Dobbs and gave the soap a great insight into male victims of domestic violence.  Again, the Coronation Street storyline has brought great help to many people and I was honoured to stand alongside both Dr Hines and Ian McNicholl.

Also on the schedule of speakers were: Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services)  and Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland)

Attached Photograph.  L-R Ian Young, Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services), Dr Niki Graham-Kevan ( Reader, University of Central Lancashire), Ian McNicholl (ManKind Initiative Patron), Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland) and Dr Denise Hines.

This is a transcription of my speech

I’m a survivor of female perpetrated Domestic Abuse which has severely impacted me and my children.  It took place during the course of my marriage which lasted 17 years.  Today would have been my 21^st wedding anniversary.  While it was happening, I felt that I had nowhere to turn nor could I speak to anyone about it.  I felt so alone.  It affected every area of my well-being.  When I finally was able to come out of the marriage, it was at great personal cost.  As part of my own healing, I began writing and blogging about my experience and was overwhelmed by others contacting me to say that they were in similar situations and felt so isolated.  This motivated me to campaign to raise greater awareness about Domestic Violence and how it affects men in particular. 

How the abuse started

1992 was a momentous year for me.  I got ordained as a church minister and six months after ordination, I got married.  Just before our wedding, my ex-wifes mother died,  Her  Father had died when she was 7.  She never spoke about her childhood.  There were a few things she told me that were lies, and had I known that then, it might have changed  the course of our relationship. However, I was in an environment where you believed or wanted to believe everything was true.

I saw no  worrying behavioural traits when we were courting, but once we married things changed.  The first strange thing I remember was an over-reaction to me pouring a glass of cola.  I hadn’t rinsed the glass properly, and soap suds were still in the glass causing the cola to fizz up uncontrollable.  She started shouting uncontrollably at me, calling me names and all sorts.  I remember thinking , what’s your problem its only a drink.  On its own, that probably sounds silly but other  patterns started to emerge.   Prior to going into the ministry, I worked in the city of London in the banking sector and the one luxury I allowed myself was having an expensive aftershave collection.  One day, without any provocation,  she poured all my aftershaves down the sink.  She also began smashing ornaments of sentiment value and something that she would repeat for years, she would pour cups of hot drinks I made over me and would  smash a dinner plate (with the dinner still on it ) over my head.

The excuses I made

My ex-wife wouldn’t seek any sort of help.  She wouldn’t even take a headache pill.  I’m not sure whether she even recognised she had a problem.  In my mind, I made excuses for her.  I told myself that she was grieving and this was her way of coping.  I didn’t recognise what was happening to me as Domestic Abuse.  I equated it with the ‘worst’ part of the ‘for better for worst, in sickness and in health’ wedding vows I made.  And then the children arrived, our first daughter was born in 1995, our second daughter in 1997 and our son in 1999.  Her violent behaviour continued towards me.   As well as making excuses about the bereavement, I added Post natal depression to my rationale .  In 2000, my ex-wife only sister died quite suddenly and this left her with no immediate family.   Around this period of time, I recall overhearing my bishop ( who was the person I should to with any problems) joking with a colleague about another couple where the wife was quite a dominant character and the husband appeared hen-packed.  Again, I remember thinking ‘There’s no way I can come to you and speak about the abuse I was experiencing because you clearly have no understanding and would treat it as a joke.’  Around this time, was the only time my ex-wife inflicted me  injuries that were visible.   I can’t remember the how, but I ended up with 2 long scratch marks on my face where the skin had been broken.  People probably knew that that’s what they were but no-one said anything.  I was asked what had happened, and I told people that I’d walked into a rose bush.  I also learnt that while my ex-wife was in an aggressive mood, there was nothing I could do that would placate it.  I never once retaliated.   In the early days, I would try and argue back but this just further ignited her anger.  And so, I just absorbed it and waited until her anger had burnt out.  Once it did and she was calm, I would try and challenge her behaviour saying that it was completely unreasonable.  I always got one of two responses:  either denial to what had just happen or she’d say, “you’re a man, you can cope with it.”  The children witnessed much of this, and afterwards I would also say to the children, “Your mum’s not well, but she doesn’t realise how ill she is, we all just have to try harder to help her.”

Why did I stay

So why did I stay?  First of all, I took my marriage vows seriously.   I was in a culture where divorce was frowned upon  and it would also become hard for me to remain a minister as a divorcee.  At that point in time, the church was my life’s vocation.  And then the children arrived.  The thought of being separated from my children was my biggest fear .  My ex-wife never showed any physical aggression towards the children, although she was very verbally aggressive toward our eldest daughter in particular.  While I was there, I felt that I was also protecting the children.  I felt I could leave.   No one would help me even if I said that I was a victim of DV.  I was unaware of any refuges for men – I was even unaware that men could be victims of DV, how could I explain that to anyone.  I also had nowhere to go nor any means of starting again.  My salary as a church minister wasn’t great and the house I lived in belonged to the church.  She also wanted a lifestyle that we couldn’t really afford.  But appeasing her and trying to avoid anything that might lead to an explosion  was all I was bothered about.   And so, to that end, I over claimed on my expenses from the church to pay for the treats she wanted. 

The realisation

In 2009, I was reaching breaking point and I started keeping a journal of the abuse I was experiencing.  As well as the current stuff, I wrote down the abuse that I could remember.  It shocked me as I read it back as I realised that there was a lot of stuff that had occurred that I’d forgotten.  It also hit me that my account sounded so horrific it was hard to believe, and yet it was my reality.  I’d run out of making excuses and was in a poor state, mentally , physically and emotionally.  There was also an incident with my son who was then 9 years old that helped me realise I was kidding myself.  There been another violent episode  during the week where two dinner plates (containing fish and chips) had been smashed over my head .  This happened in front of the children.  On the Sunday, after our meal, I was in the Kitchen washing the dishes and my son brought his plate through and then proceeded to throw his left-overs at me.  While I never reacted to my ex-wife doing this, I did to my son shouting at him and telling him off.   There was a look of total confusion on his face and it dawned on me that he was copying his mother’s behaviour thinking that it was acceptable behaviour.  Was I really protecting my children?  My ex-wife started another type of episode around this time.  One day , we were sitting watching TV, and she just announced , I don’t want you here anymore. ‘ She turned violent towards me  and my safest option was to retreat and sit in my car.  She won’t let me back in the house.  So eventually, I drove to my parents’ house who now only lived 4 miles away.  It was the first time I acknowledged that things were bad although I didn’t tell them everything.  They tried to persuade me to stay the night at theirs.  I felt I couldn’t so I went back home but my ex wouldn’t let me back in the house.  I returned to my parents.  The next day , I returned home.. “you’re back then” she said and then behaved as if nothing had happened.  Three months later, she acted in a similar manner, but this time she also threw my clothes and personal belongings out of the front door.  I think she believed that I would return the following day and we would all pretend that it had never happened.  I didn’t.  This time, I knew I just couldn’t go back.

The aftermath

I went to my parents.  This time I showed them my journal.  They were horrified,  I ended up  sleeping on their sofa for 6-7 weeks.   I tried to stay working as a minister.  Despite being presented with evidence of DV, they wanted to sweep it all under the carpet.  I still have a letter where senior leadership ‘strongly urged me to return to the family home and resolve the difficult issues in our marriage.’  Eventually, my own financial malpractice came to light – I held my hands up, resigned as a minister and paid the church back the money they claimed was missing.    They still took legal action and I ended up receiving a police caution which tends to deter prospective employers from taking me on.  The children’s well-being was my only concern now.  I found a house to rent nearby their school.  My 3 children had had enough to cope with so I didn’t want to put any additional pressure on them.  My two daughters needed to escape and came and live with me.  My son stayed with his mum.  I think he feels guilty about everyone else leaving .  I do worry about the ongoing impact on him, all I can do is to try and be there. 

Being a victim of DV resulted in me losing my life’s vocation, my home, many of former friends. The one thing I fought not to lose was my children.  They are all I was left with.  Now, my life’s vocation is speaking out and trying to raise better awareness about DV and the impact it has on us men and our children.

Ian's DV awareness campaign @SiVictim

http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/

The Men's Room - A support group for men affected by DV

www.facebook.com/groups/mensroommDVUK/

Men don't feel pain....

After I was regularly attacked and my assailants’ (who happened to be my wife) anger had burnt out and she was on a calm plateau, I would challenge the unreasonable behaviour and be met with one of two responses: denial or she’d say, “You’re a man, you can cope with it.”  As I’ve spoken to other men who have been violently assaulted by their partner I’ve found that this notion seems quite common among some women, the idea that it’s okay to hit your male partner because you can’t really hurt him, he won’t feel any pain and therefore it doesn’t really count as domestic violence.

I’ve been giving this some thought as to where such nonsense originates from.  During infancy, boys receive the message that it’s a sign of weakness to cry, in fact that to show any sort of emotion is not the done thing for men.  And so when a young boy is hit by another in a juvenile fight, he tries his upmost not to show the pain he feels from his injuries. “It’s just a scratch.”   “It’s only a little cut’   “It looks far worse than it is.” Etc.   The last thing he wants is for his peers to see him ‘crying like a little girl.’  For the young schoolboy, being called a girl is reason enough to grit their teeth and not to show the pain they feel.  This response then stays with most men all through their life.  The reality is that males feel pain just like everyone else but society has conditioned them to suppress that pain and not exhibit any emotion. 

In the laws of the playground jungle, Boys also learn very quickly that you never hit a girl.  Some girls however, also recognise that a boy won’t hit them and they may think it’s funny to hit a boy who they know won’t strike back.  Again, this pattern of behaviour later establishes itself in adulthood.

As a man, I’ve found it hard to express my feelings and emotions.  Even now, I’m still reluctant to show my pain or to express my hurt.  The important thing is that I have found a safe environment where I can.   Bottling it all up or suppressing our hurt and our feelings then impacts our own mental well-being. 

Domestic violence is still largely perceived as a gender issue.  It shouldn’t be.  All abuse is wrong and the gender of both the perpetrator and victim is immaterial.  Gender is NOT the reason the abuse happens and therefore, any restorative action shouldn’t be based around gender.

However, the difficulty remains.  A man being attacked by a woman feels defenceless.  He often chooses not to fight back because of his values.  There are many portrayals of women attacking men – some view it amusing.  Others see it as fair game, the man must deserve it, and anyway that little woman can’t hurt that big, strapping man.  Because of this, people will accept the violent behaviour not appreciating the bigger picture. 

However, for every example you can think of where you’ve seen a man being hit by a woman  (and you would have seen quite a few on television maybe without realising it) ,  just imagine switching  the genders.  You will never see that scene portrayed as man to woman.  Why then, make mockery of women attacking men.  Any form of violence towards any person hurts.  All abuse is wrong.

Men DO feel pain.  They feel the pain of the attack.  They have the pain of having to cope alone as very few will have understanding towards them.  They may even suffer the pain of losing everything in life they held dear.

Domestic Abuse is not gender specific, and neither is pain.  Everyone hurts.

Learnt Behaviours

In my previous blog on ‘Attitudes’, I highlighted the need for positive role models of BOTH genders in support services.  This blog on ‘Learnt Behaviours’ naturally follows on because people do tend to mirror the behaviour of those around them, but the issues I want to explore go deeper.

One of the factors that kept me remaining in my abusive marriage was my personal fears about the impact my leaving would have upon my children.  I felt I could protect my children from the abuse if I was present.  My ex-wife was never physically abusive towards the children although they witnessed several of her assaults on me.  Although she would still not recognise it, she was emotionally, psychological and verbally abusive towards the children.   I would try and minimise the effect by telling the children that ‘their mother wasn’t well – only she didn’t realise how ill she was – and we all had to try and stay calm to help her.’

A huge turning point on my recovery journey was when the youngest child threw dinner all over me.  This was something that my ex-wife had done a few days earlier and I realised that I wasn’t really protecting the children if they were seeing such attacks and coping them because they were beginning to see them as ‘normal’ family behaviours.

I have spent considerable time reflecting and trying to work out why my abusive ex-wife behaved towards me in the fashion she did.

I have to confess that I knew very little about her childhood and, in the years we spent together, she didn’t talk or wasn’t prepared to talk about it.  From what little I knew, I assumed it had been a difficult time so didn’t probe too much.  Her mother and father had met quite late in life and her father had died while she was in primary school education.  She had been raised by an elderly mother which couldn’t have been easy.  Her mother died just before we got married.  I did meet my mother-in-law but didn’t see in her any of the behavioural traits that would lead to me being domestically abused.  However, my knowledge of my ex-wives’ family was restricted to holiday visits as all her family lived on one of the offshore islands of the UK. 

The only time I was able to see a brief snapshot inside her childhood was when I received an email from someone that had gone to school with my ex-wife and wanted to make contact.  This person knew that she was a church minister and had sought to contact her through the church.   In the email, this old school colleague apologised for her treatment and the group bullying that took place towards my ex-wife.  She said that she’d experienced a traumatic life since school but had subsequently become a Christian and wanted to put things right.   I passed the email onto my ex-wife, but she didn’t want to know, screwing the paper that I'd printed the email on , up and throwing it away.  I suggested to my ex-wife that just out of common courtesy she should reply, but she just wouldn’t entertain the notion.   It was as if any sort of childhood experience/memory was a closed book and she wanted to keep it that way. 

I am convinced that some trauma(s) occurred to make her behave in the manner in which she did.  I can only speculate to the nature as she always refused to talk: was her own father abusive towards her mother?  Was her mother abusive towards her?  The email certainly suggested that she was seriously bullied at school?  

Is this my problem now that we are divorced?  Blocking out the childhood trauma (whatever it may be) may be her coping strategy, but the learnt behaviour from it led to an abusive marriage and emotional and psychological damage to our children.  Continued failure to deal with the past  will eventually affect any new relationship she may enter into and continues to impact the relationship she has with her own children.

The worrying thing for me now is that occasionally I see the children behaving in a manner reminiscent of their mother.  How do I handle this and break the possible cycle of abuse?  My children won’t enter into conversation about this and refuse to accept me comparing their episodic conduct with that of their mothers.  “I’m not like her!” “Don’t compare me to her!

While the dynamics in a parental relationship is different and the fall-out may get attributed to common teenage stroppiness etc., it does concern me that these examples of learnt behaviour could be destructive when transferred over into the intimate adult relationships that my children will form one day.  As a responsible and caring father, how can I change this?  I have spoken openly and honestly with my children about what happened but this doesn’t seem to be enough when I observe the same behavioural traits in my children that I witnessed in their mother.  How can I repair the damage that has already been done so that history doesn't repeat itself?  I wish  I knew.

Attitudes

When I started blogging, I wanted to try and change the mistaken perceptions that exists surrounding male victims of Domestic Violence.  If by telling my story, I was able to help others or even encourage other men to speak out about the abuse they’d experienced then it would be mission accomplished.

I’ve come into contact with all sorts of people.  While I am raising awareness in particular about how Domestic Violence affects men, I strongly state that all forms of abuse are wrong irrespectively of gender.  It has been good to encounter others with the same message.  However, it is deeply disturbing also to come across those who categorically deny that men can suffer at the hands of their partner.  ‘It’s just not possible you can’t be a victim,’ they shout, ‘any abuse you’ve had you must have brought upon yourself.  It has to be retaliation because you’re the real perpetrator!’

Very soon after I started to tell of my abuse, a friend did say to me, “I hope you do realise that not ALL women behave like that.”  I’m glad to say that I knew that and that I have found a new partner who is nothing like my ex-wife.  She is  very loving and considerate and is everything that one  expects a good, healthy relationship to be.

But it set me thinking about the support services given to women.   Are abused women told when sharing their story, “Not all men are like that” ?  I think I know the answer and I suspect not.  When I worked in the care industry, clients were asked their preference of the gender of support worker.   Several would say they had issues with men and would prefer a female support worker.  It is also true that the majority of support workers are female, so often there is little choice.  Women will have a female support worker, but the likelihood is that men would too.  Sadly, it does seem that through support services to women, misandry is inadvertently encouraged.  

This approach has also meant that often the support service gets highjacked by those with a political agenda wishing to secure more funding for ‘other’ women issues.  So, rather than providing a Gender-netural approach to Domestic abuse, the needs of a male victim are inconsequential and the service is gender-bias.   Organisations/charities offering support services to ‘women and children’ when advertising for staff  often insert the following disclaimer in their adverts:

Female applicants only on the basis that it is an Occupational Requirement as provided for in the Equality Act 2010 (Schedule 9 Work: Exceptions – Part 1 Occupational Requirements).

The real danger is that this encourages Misandry and continues and feeds the myth promoted that all men will treat you appallingly.   I’m aware of a men’s movement that is growing and trying to tackle this.  What I have seen though, is misandrists and misogynists militants resort to personal insults attacks on each other.   Quantified evidence is completely discounted in order to score political points off each other.  This is not healthy for anyone, least of all those who have experienced domestic violence.

The support charity I worked for, although acknowledging the client’s gender preference, took the view that the client received support from whichever member of staff was available regardless of gender.   I would like to think that those who received support from me realised that, despite their past experiences, all men are not the same and that there are some positive male role models out there.  Society needs more men providing such support services to help get this message across. 

The need for positive Male role models within the care industry is something I became aware of during my first role as a Church minister.  Part of my role was to manage an OFSTED registered Nursery that the Church ran.  Prior to me, this particular church had always had female ministers in charge, so the minister was naturally considered part of the staff ratio for the nursery.  When I took over the leadership of the church, it meant that part of my role was making up the staff ratio in the nursery as there wasn’t enough funds in the budget to employ a new female member of staff.   The nursery was located in a run-down inner city area and many of the children who came to the nursery came from dysfunctional families.  One day, when one little boy called me Daddy, it dawned on me that I was perhaps the only positive male role model that these children had in their lives.

We need more positive role models.  A gender-bias approach is wrong on all levels because Domestic Violence affects and impacts everyone.

A fearful silence

Part of an abusers armoury is their employment of emotional blackmail and constant belittling of the victim.  People looking from outside may wonder why one untrue spoken comment causes so much damage.  However it is not the sole innocuous word spoken in haste, but a constant barrage of depreciation wears the target down, who then starts to sink into low personal self-esteem and little confidence which then affects every area of their lives.

Abusers also use their environmental perception to further degrade their victim with comments such as  “No-one will believe you,” or “No one else would want you.”

My abuser would tell me every day in front of our children that she hated me.   This would be without any provocation and not even in the context of those barbed statements that are sometimes thrown in a verbal domestic exchange.   I stopped talking about our work (because part of our work load was shared), because she found fault with everything.  With hindsight, I probably stopped working to the best of my ability because I was just so tired of having to face a bombardment of insults concerning my labours.

Knowing that the slightest thing could trigger a violent assault from her, I completely withdrew into myself.  I put on a charade to hide the truth, but I wasn’t myself.  

I’ve already written that when challenged, my abusive ex-wife would respond with “You’re a Man, you can put up with it.”  She also resorted to emotional blackmail.  On a regular basis I would be told, “If you leave, I will destroy you completely,” and “I’ll take you for every penny”  That wasn’t hard since I didn’t have a penny to my name!

Being church ministers, our house was the property of the church (as was the car I drove).    She told me often that she could leave whenever she wanted because if she took the children, enough agencies would be willing to rehouse a single mother with three children.  She would also tell me that I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go and no-one would provide me with housing .

She was right, she knew it and exploited that fact.  She knew that, as a man, I was unlikely to tell anyone my fate at her hands.  She knew that there was no refuge resources for me. She knew that people would not and could not comprehend the level of abuse that I’d suffered.  She knew that people would assume I may be over-reacting to a simple fall-out. 

Men also remain silent because they know that it will be difficult to convince others that they are a victim of domestic abuse.  Sadly, the perpetrator usually exploits this knowledge to their own advantage increasing the psychological pressure on the victim.

The silence deepened.  I felt I had no choice.  As fear clouded over me, my mental and psychological well-being evaporated.   If you have followed my story, you will know that the point came after 17 long years when I choose not to go back into the abuse.  I escaped.  What happened?  

All the things I feared came true.  I did indeed have nowhere to go.  I ended up sleeping on my elderly parents’ sofa for 6 weeks.  Their bungalow wasn’t big enough to house me indefinitely.  Yes, there were many who though I was over-reacting to a simple fall-out.  Only it was far from simple and eventually the whole truth emerged.  

My fearful silence was over.  I won’t pretend it was easy. In fact, life which had been quite secure was now tough.  However, I’m a different person now.  The journey I’m on as a survivor is hard,  but I have regained my life.  No longer am I just existing from moment to moment, I’m learning to enjoy the moments living free of all fear.

Easter Emotions

Today is Easter Sunday.  Those who do not regularly attend church services sometimes make an exception at either Christmas or Easter.    My recent attendance at church services has been very sporadic.  On Good Friday, my duties as a Rotarian meant that I was on traffic control duties while the Christians of the town held a public silent procession (with someone carrying a symbolic wooden cross at the head).   As they concluded by singing the hymn, ‘When I survey the Wondrous cross,’ on the Market Place, I was emotionally moved. 

www.hucknallrotaryclub.blogspot.co.uk/

I felt the need to attend a church service this morning.   I went to a large city church that I have attended intermittently.  There was excitement in the auditorium beforehand. This is one occasion when the children (who usually have their own ‘church’ event running concurrently) joined in and the Children’s team led the main all-age family service.  The music that accompanies the congregational singing is always of the highest order, again something that can’t always be said of church musical groups.  There was encouraged ‘audience participation’ that was celebratory.  Worshippers were encouraged to enjoy themselves, the Easter Sunday bible story was told with humourous photographs appearing on big screens portraying members of the Youth Church re-enacting the Easter story.  To the worshippers, it would have been a moving experience.

And yet, I couldn’t connect.  I was there, but I was an observer.  Being a Christian and living such a lifestyle was all I knew for the majority of my life.  Every step seems to take me further away from having a faith: academically, emotionally, spiritually as the few prayers I now offer always go unheard and unanswered.  Part of me wants to leave the door open, but the Christianity which was my whole life is becoming extremely closed to me.  

Today, my thought went back to Easter Sunday 2010.  This was the last service I conducted as a minister.  I knew it would be my last.  I was being placed on an immediate ‘leave of absence,’ only the church authorities had delayed the imminence because they didn’t want to manage the logistics of fulfilling an Easter programme at my church.  So, knowing full well that my life’s vocation was ending, I was allowed a stay of execution.   At the Maundy Thursday Passover re-enactment meal and the Good Friday service, I was mournful and emotional.   I guess people assumed it was because of the occasion, not realising that there were deeper emotions within me.  On Sunday, I put on my brave face, and led the church in their joyous Easter celebrations.  No-one knew my inner turmoil. 

Afterwards, people were kind enough to comment that I’d conducted really meaningful Easter services for them and had no idea how I managed it considering the vast personal pressure I must have been under.  Actually, it was probably the long established practise I developed from my marriage of leading a Sunday service and pretending all was well that got me through that last Easter Sunday.

Easter speaks to all because it is a celebration of hope and new life.  On Good Friday everything seemed bleak but a few days made all the difference.  Maybe this message is why so many victims of abuse are drawn to religion because of the hope they see in what appears to be a darken depression.  For the non-religious, Easter is a reminder of the new life and hope of Springtime.  In fact, civilisation rejoiced in this cycle of nature before Christians added their slant on the festivities.

My easter festival is about new life and hope breaking through the darkness but not in the  conventional understanding of Christianity.   Walking away from the church on Easter Sunday 2010, I walked away from the darkness of abuse, I’ve found a new life and by speaking out about the Intimate Partner Violence I suffered from, I’m bringing hope to those who felt trapped in abusive relationships.

Finding peace and healing

Helping Men Find Peace and Healing After Domestic Violence

A GUEST BLOG I WROTE FOR WWW.VERBALABUSEJOURNALS.COM

Posted on March 28, 2013 

http://verbalabusejournals.com/men-domestic-violence/?fb_source=pubv1

Before we got married, I had not seen the aggressive nature of my partner. The time we spent together gave no indication of the violence I was to experience over the next 17 years. Without any warning – at the flick of an imaginary switch – my partner subjected me to vicious verbal tirades, threw hot drinks over me, smashed meal plates (with food still on) over my head. Why didn’t I leave or speak to someone? I couldn’t. I’m a man. There was nowhere for me to go. There was no one I could speak to. It seemed that plenty of charities were offering to help ‘women and children’ experiencing domestic abuse, but absolutely nothing existed for me.

At first, I tried to encourage my ex-wife to seek external help. When her anger had burnt itself out after a violent episode, I would address the issue only to be met with one of two responses:

• denial that anything had occurred or
• she’d say to me “You’re a man, you can handle it!”

I developed my own coping strategies. At first, I made excuses for her unreasonable behaviour. She’d recently experienced family bereavement, childbirth, more bereavement, etc. I tried to be more understanding. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells trying not to do or say anything that might trigger her abusive behaviour. When she attacked me, it was always my fault.

I noticed that she never behaved in an extreme fashion when other people were present and so I tried to invite friends and family around. However, people stopped coming. Only recently did I discover that they stopped visiting because she made them feel so uncomfortable. I was so relieved not being on the receiving end of abuse that I failed to notice the atmosphere.

My main coping strategy was focusing on the children. They were the reason I stayed. Their mother was never physically abusive towards them, but she was verbally. At least with me there I could nurture and protect them. I’d explain their mothers behaviour as “Your mum’s not well, only she doesn’t realise she’s ill, and we must do we can to help her.” Furthermore, as my feelings for my wife died, I dreamt of the day that my children were independent so I could also leave the abuse and start my life again.

I started keeping a journal of the abuse. This was a MAJOR part of me personally finding peace and healing. As I started recording the physical and verbal assaults on me, I also chronicled the historic attacks that I could remember. When I read these back I was horrified and would have been totally shocked if I was reading someone else’s story. And yet, it was my story. I woke up to the reality of my situation. I’d only written about the occasions I could remember, there were many more occurrences I’d forgotten about because they became ‘normal’ behaviour. Around the same time, my youngest child mirrored a violent action he saw his mother perform on me a few days before. He looked totally bemused when I admonished him. I woke up to the reality that I was not protecting my children.

Shortly after all these epiphany moments there was another violent assault and I chose not to return to the marital home. I knew that I could never return.

I shared my journal and spoke with my parents. It felt like the loosening of a tight bottle top finally releasing. Up until then, I had not been able to share with anyone the nature of the abuse I experienced over the previous 17 years. At the time, I thought that no one would understand or that some may minimize the seriousness of it because I am male. I did encounter those attitudes later as I told more people the truth about our joke of a marriage. I needed to offload all the hurt and pain that had built up. My parents knew things had been hard, but not as horrendous as the account they now learnt. If it wasn’t for their understanding, I don’t know what I would have done.

My experiences haven’t turned me into a misogynist and eventually I met a new partner who has helped me learn to love again. Being in a proper relationship, feeling loved and valued for the person you are, brings more healing than you can ever express.

Being able to talk and write about what had happened to me is important and is continually helping me find healing and peace. My journal writing has developed into a blog which is part biographical and part self-help and this has been extremely therapeutic for me.

As a young child, I learnt that life can be tough, and so it’s best to make the best of your particular situation. I thought that I was the only man experiencing domestic abuse. I have discovered that I am far from alone. This has given me a real passion to speak up for men in similar situations and to campaign to raise greater awareness around all areas of domestic violence.

I have been able to speak with and help other men. What I’m also learning is that those support workers available tend to be female and men would prefer to speak to other men that can identify with their experiences. I have also made contact with others similarly motivated. This is bringing me healing and peace: Knowing that I am not alone in my experiences and also addressing the imbalance that currently exists in support services for abuse victims.

silentvictim@live.co.uk

Domestic violence awareness campaign on twitter: @SiVictim
Support group for men affected by domestic violence on Facebook: The Men’s Room

Can an Abusive Ex Change?

Can an abusive ex-partner change?  This is the question I pose myself as we both have moved on into new relationships.  My personal reflections have often examined whether there was something in my own nature that triggered all the violent episodes.   I’m far from perfect, but I couldn’t find anything.  People describe me as calm, placid, gentle but firm when needed, honest and completely open and transparent.  People say they never see me angry.   I’ve also drawn encouragement recently from the work of Dr Denise Hines, one of the very few Psychologist undertaking research into male victims of Intimate Partner Violence (IPV).  This is an extract from a factsheet on  ‘A Closer Look at Men who sustain Intimate Terrorism by Women’ , part of ‘The Men’s Experiences with Partner Aggression Project’  and matches me completely:

http://wordpress.clarku.edu/dhines/files/2012/01/Men_closer_look_IT_factsheet_final.pdf

The male helpseekers in this study paint a picture of men who are fairly well educated, who 

have professional‐level jobs, and who have children involved in their relationships. They 

report sustaining severe levels of violence at the hands of their partner and have significant 

concerns about whether to leave their partners and what would happen if they did leave. 

Many of these men report loving their partners, hoping that she will change, showing 

commitment to their marriage, and concern about what would happen to the children.  

This has help and reassured me that I’m not to blame for what happened to me.  In my search for answers, I’ve looked to see if I can see some of my abusive ex-wife’s behavioural patterns continuing.

Before and during the marriage, my ex-wife was a compulsive liar.  Of course, I didn’t realise this at the time and had I made this discovery before we got married, my life may have turned out different.  If the falsehoods she told were solitary, you may feel they are inconsequential, but continued untruths paint a different picture.  Whenever she felt threatened or didn’t want to divulge anything, she became very skilled at speaking a plausible sounding lie.

If you have followed my story told here, you will know that we were both church ministers.  My ex-wife remains a church minister.  She trained as a minister before I did, and had an enforced break from that training.  She always told me that the reason was because she originated from one of the offshore islands of the UK, the church authorities felt she needed time to acclimatise to life on mainland England.  There may be some truth in that, I don’t know, why would I initially doubt that. Recently I discovered that she had an issue with her church mentor during this period that resulted in the church instructing her to do an Anger Management course and the church moving her from shared accommodation to a single occupancy flat.

When we first met, we were both having driving lessons.  I took my test and passed.  My ex-wife told me she had a test booked.  When I later enquired about this, I was told that she’d cancelled her test when she had to travel back to her parental home following the illness and death of her mother.  Over twenty years later, she is still having driving lessons but has not sat even one driving examination.  If she had a driving test booked all those years ago, surely she would have taken at least one examination by now?  The ‘evidence’ suggests that there was never a driving test booked.  Another ‘lie’ which she kept up all those years.

Coming from an island environment, my ex-wife always told me she could swim.  On many occasions, before and after we wed, she said she could swim.  I couldn’t swim.  As we planned for a family, we talked about the importance of teaching the children to swim and it was suggested that my ex-wife would take the babies to early year swimming lessons.  This never happened.  Furthermore whenever we went on holidays, my ex-wife never went in the sea or took the opportunity to swim if the apartment complex had their own pool.  Never in twenty years, did I or our children see her swim.  Can she swim?  She says yes.  Do we believe her?  No.

I could cite many other instances during the marriage that formed a consistent pattern of falsehood.   Has this continue since we separated or she said revert to being truthful?

I know that she has lied to cover-up a mistake she made.  As I left the marriage with absolutely nothing, it took me a little while to establish myself again.  At first, all the children stayed with my ex-wife.  I paid child support, and as part of our arrangement, agreed to transport the children wherever they need to go, and also as well as regular access, offered to have the children when my ex-wife needed to attend church seminars that constituted overnight stays.   This was on the proviso that I had plenty of notice so that I could arrange for time off work.  The annual church conference was approaching and she’d asked me if I could look after the children.  I booked the time off work and said I could.  Just a week prior to the conference, she realised she’d made a mistake and given me the wrong dates.  By this time, I couldn’t re-arrange my work schedule and so, I couldn’t change the dates.   Mutual colleagues were soon contacting me because my ex-wife had told her line managers and peers that she couldn’t attend this conference at the last minute because I was being awkward and was refusing to look after the children when I said I would.  I was rather annoyed about this and so I contacted her line managers (who had also been mine before I left the church) and explained what had happened.   The following day, the story she was telling had changed.  She was actually admitting to people that she had made a mistake. 

The situation has changed in that our daughters now live with me.  But she still lies and her falsehoods now concern the children.  This coming weekend is Easter.  This Saturday is the day my daughters are scheduled to stay with her.  She asked that they don’t visit this weekend because  she ‘is very busy with work.’  Okay, she has an extra service to conduct on Good Friday, but is no busier than any other weekend.  My daughters don’t mind because they don’t like staying at their mother’s.   It transpires that the real reason she can’t have them is because she’s attending a wedding on Saturday with her new boyfriend.   Another lie.  The sad thing is, if she had told me the truth I won’t have minded as it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable.  All it does is show to me that she hasn’t changed and is still the compulsive liar I felt she always was.  Can abusive ex-partners change?  I would say No.

Mother's Day reflections

Mother’s Day is celebrated on different days all over the world.  Its origins are unclear with some sources dating the concept back to the spring celebrations of the Ancient Greeks in honour of Rhea, the Mother of the Gods.  Today’s festival pays tribute to all mothers and children at school and in churches honour their mums.

We have just ‘celebrated’ Mother’s Day in England.  As far as my ex-wife is concerned, I cast aside my own personal feelings and have tried to encourage my daughters to  build bridges with their mother.  After all, they will only ever have one mother whatever her failings.

My ex-wife asked if our daughters could spend part of Mother’s Day with her this year.  I left the decision entirely to them but I did encourage them that this day should be one when all parties made an effort to get on together.

Within 2 hours of leaving my house, my daughters had returned home upset.  I was extremely surprised to see them home so soon.  I asked what had happened.

The girls had brought their mother a gift: a necklace mounted on cardboard and held in place by soft wire.  To unfasten, the wire required twisting.   However, if you have followed my story, you may realise that patience and concentration are not virtues my ex-wife was blessed with.  She told the girls that, instead of taking the time to twist the wire, she would get some scissors and cut through to release the necklace.  My daughters warned her that by doing this she may cut through the necklace instead.   She assured them that she would take care and that would not happen.  Well, you can guess just what happened next!   Yes, the necklace was cut straight through.   One of my daughters noticed this had happened and challenged her mother about it.

“No, I haven’t” said their mother trying to disguise the accidental cut by holding the necklace up with the break hidden to show the girls, “it’s lovely.”

It may sound a small incident but what upset my daughters most was that they had warned their mother of the likely outcome of using scissors and when it happened she lied, denied and tried to cover-up that the gift had been broken.

When they returned home and shared this with me, my mind went back to the last Mother’s day I spent in the matrimonial home.  I’d brought her a card and a book as a gift, and as soon as I presented them to her, she tore them both up.  That act clearly wasn’t accidental.

My youngest daughter has found solace in a church, however she choose not to attend the Mother’s Day service.   She told me later that during the service, the members of the congregation were asked to raise their hands if ‘they had the best mum in the world’.  “That would have be very awkward for me, Dad.”  Her sister then remarked, “Dad, do you remember when we were in church and were all asked to say something nice about our mums?   I cried and everyone thought it was so sweet that I was so emotionally overcome.”  She continued, “What people didn’t know was the reason I was crying was because I couldn’t think of anything to say.”

Mother’s day is a day when we acknowledge our gratitude but for a lot of people this day is very difficult.   Some people, including myself, have to be both mother and father to their children and do this often without many people realising.  

On occasions I have had to have conversations with my daughters that a mother should be having and most daughters would probably be embarrassed by their Dads.  I try to be open and honest with them and I think we have a strong bond because of it.

Later in the week, my eldest daughter had ‘found’ an old photograph of me and her.  It was taken during her first summer.  I was asleep cradling her to my chest.  It was hardly a flattering photograph.  “Why have you pulled out that photograph.”   “Well Dad, we have been asked to say who inspires us most at Guides tonight.  You do, and this is the only photograph I have of just me and you.”

I admit it,  my eyes welled up with tears.  That moment makes all the hardship and pain worthwhile.

A few days later I was asked in a job interview ‘what is your greatest accomplishment?’

“Without any shadow of doubt, it’s my children.” 

I would do anything for them and be prepared to lay down my own life for them.  That’s the love we celebrate on Mother’s Day.

Fear

Fear becomes the over-riding factor when one feels trapped in an abusive relationship.  In the early stages of the relationship, fear didn’t exist.  I thought that there was trust and honesty.  When I met my ex-wife, I naturally assumed that everything she told me was the truth.  I believe now that she deliberately lied about certain events that would have led me to ask serious questions and discover her hidden character traits.  At the beginning of a new relationship, we don’t ask for confirmatory evidence.  We assume that we have been told the truth, unless we can clearly see through the lies.  If we uncover dishonesty, then invariably the relationship doesn’t continue.  My ex-wife has never been honest with herself, and I suspect that this is the reason why she can’t be honest with others.

The first time that I was exposed to her anger, I was shocked.  I’d not seen any behaviour like it leading up to that point.  I wasn’t fearful of her.  Although I was a victim to rather bizarre and unreasonable conduct, I made excuses for it.  However, there is NO excuse for Domestic Abuse in ANY form.   I accepted it initially because I thought that it was a one-off occurrence caused by stress and bereavement grief.  However, in my unconscious acceptance I allowed my ex-wife to continue abusing me and more extreme actions became part of daily living.  That’s when fear developed.

The first type of fear I recall experiencing was fear of being left alone with my ex-wife.  Her mood swings were so irrational and unpredictable that I dreaded going home after work.  Her aggression could be vented unprovoked.  However, in the presence of other people, she seemed calmer.  I would encourage family and friends to visit just because I feared those moments when we were on our own.  In those moments, nothing could placate her, I just learnt to let the anger burn itself out.  It was not a healthy way to live.

Although I thought that other people’s presence in the home brought some respite for me, I have now discovered as I have started sharing my experiences, that those family and friends that came dreaded doing so because of the things they witnessed my ex-wife say and do.   

As a male victim, I faced a bigger fear.  This was the fear of losing my children.  I felt I couldn’t leave the situation.  I couldn’t admit to what was happening at home.  I knew that society in large had no comprehension of men being victims of domestic abuse.  I had nowhere to go.  There wasn’t any place I could flee to with my children.  My children needed me and if I left, I had no way of providing any safety for them.  Again, in most broken relationships, the children stay with their mother.  And so, the fear of losing my children overweighed the fear of being left alone with her.

As the cycle of abuse continued through the years, I knew that I could not live in that relationship indefinitely.  I was then fearful of how people would respond to the end of the relationship.  Again, I put my children first trying to cushion them from the abuse inflicted on me that they saw and witnessed.  They would also be the ones most affected by the end of their parents’ marriage.   I was also fearful of losing all the security I had in my life.  By leaving the marriage, I would also lose my home and job.   I was then fearful about finding alternative employment.

Three years later, all fear has gone.  My life hasn’t the security it once had.  I can’t say that it has been easy.  It hasn’t but life is not a bed of roses.  Some of my fears proved well-founded.  

I lost my job and home.  I had nowhere to go or anywhere to work.  Some people struggle to accept that I was a victim of severe domestic abuse.  Some people I once considered friends have cut me off totally.  However, in adversity you discover who your true friends are and I certainly have.  My true friends have been very supportive and understanding of me and the journey I’m still on. 

And what of my main fear of losing my children?  My children now live with me and I’m immensely proud of the young people they’re growing to be.  As I’ve written, I’ve tried only to record the impact on my children when it’s relevant without disclosing too much detail.  They have their own stories that they may wish to tell one day.  That will be their decision.  I did everything I could so that I wouldn’t lose my children and so that I could keep them safe and as a result, we have a strong bond.  As a father, nothing else matters to me.  I now fear about my children’s future, but doesn’t every parent.  At least now, I know they have a good future.