Fear becomes the over-riding factor when one feels trapped in an abusive
relationship. In the early stages of the
relationship, fear didn’t exist. I
thought that there was trust and honesty.
When I met my ex-wife, I naturally assumed that everything she told me
was the truth. I believe now that she
deliberately lied about certain events that would have led me to ask serious
questions and discover her hidden character traits. At the beginning of a new relationship, we
don’t ask for confirmatory evidence. We
assume that we have been told the truth, unless we can clearly see through the
lies. If we uncover dishonesty, then invariably
the relationship doesn’t continue. My
ex-wife has never been honest with herself, and I suspect that this is the
reason why she can’t be honest with others.
The first time that I was exposed to her anger, I was shocked. I’d not seen any behaviour like it leading up
to that point. I wasn’t fearful of
her. Although I was a victim to rather bizarre
and unreasonable conduct, I made excuses for it. However, there is NO excuse for Domestic
Abuse in ANY form. I accepted it
initially because I thought that it was a one-off occurrence caused by stress
and bereavement grief. However, in my
unconscious acceptance I allowed my ex-wife to continue abusing me and more
extreme actions became part of daily living.
That’s when fear developed.
The first type of fear I recall experiencing was fear of being left
alone with my ex-wife. Her mood swings
were so irrational and unpredictable that I dreaded going home after work. Her aggression could be vented
unprovoked. However, in the presence of
other people, she seemed calmer. I would
encourage family and friends to visit just because I feared those moments when
we were on our own. In those moments,
nothing could placate her, I just learnt to let the anger burn itself out. It was not a healthy way to live.
Although I thought that other people’s presence in the home brought some
respite for me, I have now discovered as I have started sharing my experiences,
that those family and friends that came dreaded doing so because of the things
they witnessed my ex-wife say and do.
As a male victim, I faced a bigger fear.
This was the fear of losing my children.
I felt I couldn’t leave the situation.
I couldn’t admit to what was happening at home. I knew that society in large had no
comprehension of men being victims of domestic abuse. I had nowhere to go. There wasn’t any place I could flee to with
my children. My children needed me and
if I left, I had no way of providing any safety for them. Again, in most broken relationships, the
children stay with their mother. And so,
the fear of losing my children overweighed the fear of being left alone with
her.
As the cycle of abuse continued through the years, I knew that I could
not live in that relationship indefinitely.
I was then fearful of how people would respond to the end of the
relationship. Again, I put my children
first trying to cushion them from the abuse inflicted on me that they saw and
witnessed. They would also be the ones
most affected by the end of their parents’ marriage. I was also fearful of losing all the security
I had in my life. By leaving the
marriage, I would also lose my home and job. I was then fearful about finding alternative
employment.
Three years later, all fear has gone.
My life hasn’t the security it once had.
I can’t say that it has been easy.
It hasn’t but life is not a bed of roses. Some of my fears proved well-founded.
I lost my job and home. I had
nowhere to go or anywhere to work. Some
people struggle to accept that I was a victim of severe domestic abuse. Some people I once considered friends have cut
me off totally. However, in adversity
you discover who your true friends are and I certainly have. My true friends have been very supportive and
understanding of me and the journey I’m still on.
And what of my main fear of losing my children? My children now live with me and I’m immensely
proud of the young people they’re growing to be. As I’ve written, I’ve tried only to record
the impact on my children when it’s relevant without disclosing too much
detail. They have their own stories that
they may wish to tell one day. That will
be their decision. I did everything I
could so that I wouldn’t lose my children and so that I could keep them safe
and as a result, we have a strong bond. As
a father, nothing else matters to me. I
now fear about my children’s future, but doesn’t every parent. At least now, I know they have a good future.
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