Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts

Sunday, 8 March 2015

Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while. As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse. I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions. There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with. I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such. In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse. Other men have said similar to me. Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women? Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers. THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH. Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence. They will make excuses. Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions. It always someone else’s fault. If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.

The media contributes to this. Read all the news reports from the courts. If a man is in court, there’s no leniency. If a woman is tried for a crime 9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it. If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction. The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting? Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’. A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner. She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence. I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference.

But this highlights the difference in my eyes. In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

It's Good to Talk

When I first began writing about Men’s Issues I adopted a non de plume, Si Victim. This pseudonym was short for Silent Victim which reflected the way I had felt about enduring over 17 years of Domestic Abuse.

As a battered husband, I had nowhere to turn nor was there anyone I could speak to because wives just weren’t capable of attacking their partners. It was unheard of! I knew of no other man in my position. Remaining silent effected every area of my life and everyday I remain on this earth, so to will the consequences of those years.

Having finally left the situation, I began rebuilding my life. I discover that what had happened to me wasn’t as rare as I’d thought. In fact, it was far more common than society would have you believe. According to the latest figures from the British Crime Survey, out of every five Domestic Violence victims, two will be men. Even more startling is the revelation that this is not a new development; Academic research over the last 40 years has consistently produced similar figures.

And yet, government funding for Domestic Abuse programmes has ignored the data choosing instead to bankroll the Feminist myth that all domestic violence assaults are due to male privilege.

At least now, there is an acceptance among most Domestic Abuse service providers that men are affected by DV and they may now offer a ‘token’ service to Male Victims. Take, for example, this recent experience of mine. I telephoned a local, well-advertised Domestic Abuse helpline. On their publicity, there was no statement identifying that it was a gender-specific service. Admittedly the cartoon of a cowering woman that accompanied the phone number would infer that it was.

The first time I called, I went to voicemail and was asked to leave my name and number and an advisor would call me back. I found this quite insensitive as most callers would be fearful about their personal safety and wouldn’t want to leave such details when their abuser could potentially intercept the call. Minutes later, I tried again. This time my call was answered. I gave a brief summary of my story to be greeted with, “ We don’t deal with men, we only talk with women that are being abused by men. I will have to refer you elsewhere.”

After holding on the line, I was given two telephone numbers: The Mankind Initiative 01823 334244 and the Men’s Advice Line 0808 802 4040.

No doubt about it had I been female, all manner of support would have been offered to me.

In November 2010, the Home Office published the strategy paper, ‘Call to end violence against women and girls’, setting out its approach for tackling domestic violence over the Parliament. This included £28 million funding for domestic violence support services.

That’s right £ 28,000,000 funding and all men really have are telephone helplines.

I have been speaking to many people (Councillors, Police & Crime Commissioners, Police Officers, Domestic Violence Prevention Officers etc) challenging this. I keep hearing the same things:

“We know that men are victims too but…”

“Very few men engage with us.”

“You’re one of the few male victims prepared to talk about your experience.”

Having spoken at length on the lack of provision for services to men, I have come to the conclusion service aren’t provided for men because men don’t speak out about their issues or seek the support/help they require/need. This applies not just to Domestic Violence, but right across the spectrum of all men’s issues (such as health, education).

On the whole, men don’t talk about their problems. However, by remaining silent and not identifying our suffering, those areas which require service provision go unchallenged and are not addressed properly.

How can we change things? A starting point is changing perception as to what it means to be a man. When I look back at my childhood, we heard things like “Boys don’t cry” “Be a big, brave boy for mummy,” “Be a Man” Such statements ‘encouraged’ us that we had to be tough, we couldn’t show any emotion because that was a sign of weakness, that we dealt with our own problems.

We take these lessons into adulthood. Men get mocked for suffering from Man Flu and yet, are very reluctant to visit their Doctors. A visit to the GP’s surgery for a man is probably out of necessity. Often, when asked by the GP why they have asked for an appointment, a man will reply, “It’s probably nothing but…” or “ I don’t mean to waste your time but my wife said I should get this checked out.” and then they discover that had they sought an earlier diagnosis, they would have been able for a better chance of recovery.

It’s good to talk and the sooner men learn to talk about the issues that affect us, the better services to men will become. Our inability to address our anxieties results in funding and services going elsewhere.

Monday, 20 October 2014

Child or Parent Support?

Money Demands.

It’s a sad indictment on British society when someone is better off financially not work than trying to earn their keep and not be a burden to the tax payer.

To my own personal experience, I have found this to be true and not a urban myth. Were I to claim Jobseekers Allowance, I would be ‘passported’ to other benefit entitlements. However, as a low-income father, I have no eligibility to financial assistance. Indeed, after receiving a 17 page letter from the Benefit office, the only thing I learnt was that I would be financially better off sitting at home doing nothing.

At least, being employment does give me a sense of purpose that I lost during my spells of unemployment. But is it right that I’m penalised for trying to make an effort to improve my lot in life?

While trying to gasp my own situation, the actress Halle Berry is reported as having some money troubles of her own. Allegedly, she pays a monthly child support amount of $ 16,000 to her ex-partner and wants this reduced to $ 3,000 because she feels that her ex partner has been living entirely off of this payment.

She may have a point. The feel she reputedly feels is the way that many fathers feel. And yet, no one listens to the voice of the fathers.

I have had dealings with the Child Support Agency here in Britain. I have found their approach very heavy-handed when they saw me as a ‘deadbeat father.’

Their modus operandi is to issue you with a strongly-toned letter demanding that you reply in 5 days otherwise face possible legal action. However, they are not as prompt should you wish/seek any input from them.

Initially, my ex and I agreed a private maintenance plan, but when she realised she could squeeze more money out of me, she decided on taking a non-negotiable approach via the Child Support Agency. They assessed my income, but not my expenditure even ignoring outgoings that were related to my children. Their assessment of what they felt I should pay my ex-wife was the majority of my wage, leaving me without enough to cover the basic bills such as rent.

For most families I know, it is a struggle. Often, both parents have to work and it isn’t easy. But, a separated mother becomes far more accessible to a whole range of benefits and although some may be ‘means-tested,’ any child support payments aren’t included. Child Support should be remained because often the last person supported by this payment is the child itself!

Sunday, 21 September 2014

In Denial

I was challenged to write a blog about men making false allegation of Domestic Violence. In fact, men are reluctant to make any sort of accusations for fear of not being believed. The person who issued the challenge had taken offence at something I had written. However, rather that debate a differing viewpoint, she took to verbally insulting me instead in a very aggressive manner.

What I did discover was a report following a review by the Crown Prosecution Service that such allegations are extremely rare:

http://metro.co.uk/2013/03/13/false-rape-and-domestic-violence-allegations-extremely-rare-3539568/

Appearing today in my newsfeed was a story about a businesswoman who brutally murdered her 8 year old son. Bizarrely, her defence argued that the reason she killed was due to some accusations she made against two ex-partners. There was no evidence to substantiate such claims. In other words she was making false allegations against two men

http://edition.cnn.com/2014/09/13/justice/new-york-autistic-death-trial/

Some women’s organisations will grudgingly acknowledge that men can claim to experience Domestic Violence, but will then claim that a male victim is really a perpetrator. There is no evidence to support this claim, rather it is another smokescreen to hide the real truth.

Women, as well as men, can be violent in relationships. This is nothing new. Back in 1971, Erin Pizzey opened the first Refuge (Shelter) and discovered that of the first 100 women to enter, 60% were as violent or even more violent than the men they were claiming to flee from.

http://www.avoiceformen.com/mens-rights/domestic-violence-industry/refuting-40-years-of-lies-about-violence/

Pizzey has been the subject of death threats and boycotts because of her research into the claim that most domestic violence is reciprocal, and that women are equally as capable of violence as men. Pizzey has said that the threats were from militant feminists.

Such claims have been consistent with academic studies taken all throughout the last 40 years including PASK 2012

Partner Abuse State of Knowledge Project (PASK) 2012 reveals the following:

The majority of Domestic Violence incidents is mutual – that is where both parties fight each other.

Population Surveys : 57.9%

Community Samples 59.6%

School & College samples 51.9%

Female oriented clinical samples 72.3%

Between 51.9% - 59.6% are mutual Domestic Violence situations. The big surprise is the figure of 72.3% which comes from clinical samples from Lesbian relationships.

In other words, the highest incidents of domestic violence have been found in lesbian relationships!!1

So what about scenarios where there is no reciprocal violence? PASK also asks that question.

The figures for Male assaults against female (non-mutual IPV) are:

Population Surveys : 13.8%

Community Samples 17.5%

School & College samples 16.2%

Perhaps surprisingly the figures for Female assaults against male (non-mutual IPV) are:

Population Surveys : 28.3%

Community Samples 22.9%

School & College samples 31.9%

Notice how woman are twice as likely to attack a male partner, than a male assault a woman without any reciprocal action.

And yet, society is still by large disbelieving about women aggressors.

I feel that many women remain in denial about their violent behaviour towards partners or ex-partners. My ex certainly is even now. Our children have challenged her about the assaults on me that THEY witnessed. They saw her hit me, pour hot drinks over me and smash dinner plates (with food still on them) over my head. And yet, she wasn’t violent! She will admit to being a little clumsy and dropping things, but remains in denial about more severe deliberate violent acts. I have also spoken with women who have eventually admitted hitting their partner.

For men when they hit a partner, there is no hiding place when reported or witnessed. Some women though, remain in denial. They believe that they can strike their partner because the partner is male therefore it doesn’t really hurt or their emotional/hormonal condition allows them to behave in such a way etc. They think that because society doesn’t want to recognise that women can act in such fashion that they can deny they have anger issues or violent tendencies. After all, no man will want to claim that their female partner is abusive to them, will they. And even if the male is brave enough to speak out, who will believe him? They can deny it and remain in denial about their own problems.

Sunday, 3 August 2014

Karma

At a recent family gathering, I was asked what my views were concerning Karma. It seemed a little strange as an opening gambit from a relative who I only tend to see at family occasions. However, I’ve often posted about my spiritual journey which has taken me from being a Christian church minister to flirting with Atheism. So I guess, it wasn’t that strange a question after all. I had certainly been reflecting on my own beliefs and the origins of personal belief. My initial response was to say that “it’s probably easier to say what I don’t believe, rather than what I do believe.”

I don’t believe in the concepts of eternal/everlasting or indeed previous lives now. The only thing we know with any certainty is that we are living this life now. There is no factual evidence for anything before or after. I know that some people claim to have had near-death experiences that equate to their own particular belief of what happens next, and there are those who under a form of hypnosis called past-life regression. My own take on these ‘experiences’ is that the person’s own belief system has already influenced that person’s mind, so your sub conscious tells you what you want to hear.

Similarly, well-meaning Christians have tried to convince me of the errors of my ways in turning my back on their faith by employing Pascal’s Wager. Pascal's Wager is an argument in philosophy which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician, and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss. In other words, you have nothing to infinite loss, but everything to gain by believing in a God. If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, you lose nothing. It’s a hedge your bets argument. Strange when most Christians/church teaching is opposed to Gambling, they ask you to ‘bet on the existence of god.’

As for Karma I can’t hold the view that my existence in a previous life, affects my current position now. I have made conscious decisions and then had to live with the consequences of those decisions, many positive and some negative. Nothing from an unknown past has influenced those decisions.

However, there is a different type of Karma that we all often refer too. Phrase like “What goes round comes round,” and “they’ll get what coming to them” has entered our vocabulary. When someone hurts us or commits an injustice against us and isn’t punished, we use the afore-mentioned statements hoping that everything balances out, that the pain we have felt will soon be inflicted on the person that hurt us. Does it happen? It would be nice and rather comforting to think that it does, but in all reality it probably doesn’t. My abuser has never accepted any responsibility for her actions and has failed to grasp the impact and consequences of her violent actions have had on me or our children. While I hoped that natural karma would happen, so far it hasn’t. She carried on living her live oblivious to the destruction she’s caused. For me, I had to let go of wanting such karma to happen and move on with my life. While I was anxious for my abuser to receive retribution for her crimes against me, the angst it caused me was a way of still allowing her to abuse me. I guess I don’t believe in any form of Karma either.

All that matters to me is the here and now and what I make of it.

Saturday, 8 March 2014

Stereotypes

I'm currently studying to be a Counsellor. A huge proportion of my time in the last couple of months has been taken up considering prejudices and stereotypes. A good counsellor needs to be aware of biased generalizations and aware of their own prejudices so that these don't impact the counselling relationship.

Many of the stereotypes we considered focused around religion, ethnicity, national tribalism, economy/social class, appearance, sexual orientation. I did bring to the table my views about Gender stereotypes and I must admit, I have been rather absorbed about how I see Gender stereotypes played out all around me.

One of the first Nursery Rhymes I recall hearing was this one:

What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Slugs and snails
And puppy-dogs' tails,
That's what little boys are made of.
What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice
And everything nice,
That's what little girls are made of.

What message does this conveys? Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice. Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad.

Boy spelt backwards is YOB - a well-used term to describe a thuggish or uncouth person. Thuggish behaviour is often also described as Laddish behaviour, but never Lassish behaviour. Irrespective of the gender of adolescents behaving badly, the adjectives used to describe bad actions imply the male gender (yob/ laddish).

This further ingrains the message into the subconscious that girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice while boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad.

This badness is seemly equated with a macho stereotype that suggests therefore all males must be aggressive and society exploits this to their advantage but moans when it goes wrong. Boys don't cry or are not expected to cry. When boys cry they are told, "Don't be a baby/girl...only girls cry." It's not cool to show your emotions so be a man, grow some balls, Man up etc. Is it true that only girls cry when they are hurt? Boys hurt just the same but are expected to appear to be tougher. The older we get, the more absorbent we are suppose to be especially if the one causing us pain is our partner, "You're a man, you can cope." or the insult often directed at men in a domestic agreement, " You're not a real man because...(Insert your failure to meet the male stereotype of your partner).

And so it continues...Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice. Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad. ..

If the relationship ends, the majority always assume it's because the male has done something bad. ... .Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice. Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad. ..
There are many examples of experiments where couples have a public row. No one ever questions or challenges when they see a woman striking her male partner. However, everyone is horrified and motivated to take action. when they see a male hit a woman. Those asked why they didn't bat an eyelid when the woman was assailant respond with statements such as "we assume she'd caught him cheating" "we thought you go girl - good for you!"

And so it continues...Girls are good, girls are sweet, girls are nice. Boys are horrid, boys are nasty, boys are bad. ..

The custody of children then comes before a judge AND because girls are good/boys are bad, the mother always gets custody. There are exemptions to this, but they are extremely rare.

For some vulnerable children, granting custody is the worst possible decision. I'd never given this any thought until I heard Erin Pizzey ( founder of Women's Aid and the refuge/shelter movement) comment that the biggest risk to children was their mothers as far more mums kill their children than fathers. The next largest group to murder their children was the mother's new partner. And yet, we see girls as good and boys as bad.

This week was a really tragic week as I noticed numerous stories in the national media (sadly all giving credence to Erin's point):

East Belfast incident:Mother arrested as baby critical - BBC News Website 8th March 2014

Young mum slammed for giving 12 year old a bottle of VODKA at sleepover - 7th March 2014

Toddler. 2 died after drinking heroin substitute methadone 'given to her to keep her quiet' - 7th March 2014

Mum admits drowning baby daughter - Nottingham Post 6th March 2014

What little boys made of? What are little girls made of? We are all actually made of the same stuff so it's time to cast away the stereotypes that wrongly influence policies. Girls can be nice, but so can boys. Boys can be horrid, but so to can girls.

However, because the powers that be maintain that girls are good while boys are bad, there is an abundance of support packages to help women. Indeed in all the cases i cited above, the women committed those crimes NOT because they were 'BAD' (how could they be bad as they're female???) but because they were ill. When men are guilty of crime, it's because they are deemed BAD rather than ill. And what support is offered for men who face dire straits? Very little. Devoid of any service to seek help and assistance from with all hope gone, 12 men a day take their own live in the UK. Nobody cares because they're male, because 'all men are bastards/bad.'

Any abuse is wrong and is not restricted to gender. I long for the day when all domestic violence support services STOP being influenced by the gender specific nonsense that prevails recognizing that victims are male, female and transgender (not just female) and acknowledging that perpetrators can be female, male and transgender ( not just male).

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Male Victim Event Day at University of Central Lancashire

It was a real privilege to be asked to speak at the recent Male Victim Event Day organised by the University of Central Lancashire (Preston, UK) and I was thrilled to be included alongside people who are making a real global difference in changing public perception about Domestic Violence.”

The keynote speaker was Dr Denise Hines of Clark University, Massachusetts. Dr Hines is the Principal Investigator on a series of studies investigating the physical and mental health of men who sustain partner violence from their female partners and seek help. The most recent of these studies also investigates the mental and physical health of child witnesses and is being supported by a grant from the National Institute on Child Health and Human Development (USA). About two years ago, I discovered the work of Dr. Hines, emailed her and she kindly put me in touch with some UK academics who were involved with her in an international research project. It was though the follow-up contact with Dr Louise Dixon and Dr. Niki Graham-Kevan that I was invited to speak.

Another speaker was Ian McNicholl whose ex-girlfriend was imprisoned for seven years for grievous bodily harm for the injuries she inflicted on Mr McNicholl. Ian McNicholl was involved in the development of the Coronation Street storyline featuring Tyrone Dobbs and gave the soap a great insight into male victims of domestic violence. Again, the Coronation Street storyline has brought great help to many people and I was honoured to stand alongside both Dr Hines and Ian McNicholl.

Also on the schedule of speakers were: Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services) and Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland)

Attached Photograph. L-R Ian Young, Margaret Gardner (Director of False Allegations Support Organisation), Valerie Wise (Chief Executive Preston Domestic Violence Services), Dr Niki Graham-Kevan ( Reader, University of Central Lancashire), Ian McNicholl (ManKind Initiative Patron), Nick Smithers ( National Development Officer Abused Men in Scotland) and Dr Denise Hines.

This is a transcription of my speech

I’m a survivor of female perpetrated Domestic Abuse which has severely impacted me and my children. It took place during the course of my marriage which lasted 17 years. Today would have been my 21^st wedding anniversary. While it was happening, I felt that I had nowhere to turn nor could I speak to anyone about it. I felt so alone. It affected every area of my well-being. When I finally was able to come out of the marriage, it was at great personal cost. As part of my own healing, I began writing and blogging about my experience and was overwhelmed by others contacting me to say that they were in similar situations and felt so isolated. This motivated me to campaign to raise greater awareness about Domestic Violence and how it affects men in particular.

How the abuse started

1992 was a momentous year for me. I got ordained as a church minister and six months after ordination, I got married. Just before our wedding, my ex-wifes mother died, Her Father had died when she was 7. She never spoke about her childhood. There were a few things she told me that were lies, and had I known that then, it might have changed the course of our relationship. However, I was in an environment where you believed or wanted to believe everything was true.

I saw no worrying behavioural traits when we were courting, but once we married things changed. The first strange thing I remember was an over-reaction to me pouring a glass of cola. I hadn’t rinsed the glass properly, and soap suds were still in the glass causing the cola to fizz up uncontrollable. She started shouting uncontrollably at me, calling me names and all sorts. I remember thinking , what’s your problem its only a drink. On its own, that probably sounds silly but other patterns started to emerge. Prior to going into the ministry, I worked in the city of London in the banking sector and the one luxury I allowed myself was having an expensive aftershave collection. One day, without any provocation, she poured all my aftershaves down the sink. She also began smashing ornaments of sentiment value and something that she would repeat for years, she would pour cups of hot drinks I made over me and would smash a dinner plate (with the dinner still on it ) over my head.

The excuses I made

My ex-wife wouldn’t seek any sort of help. She wouldn’t even take a headache pill. I’m not sure whether she even recognised she had a problem. In my mind, I made excuses for her. I told myself that she was grieving and this was her way of coping. I didn’t recognise what was happening to me as Domestic Abuse. I equated it with the ‘worst’ part of the ‘for better for worst, in sickness and in health’ wedding vows I made. And then the children arrived, our first daughter was born in 1995, our second daughter in 1997 and our son in 1999. Her violent behaviour continued towards me. As well as making excuses about the bereavement, I added Post natal depression to my rationale . In 2000, my ex-wife only sister died quite suddenly and this left her with no immediate family. Around this period of time, I recall overhearing my bishop ( who was the person I should to with any problems) joking with a colleague about another couple where the wife was quite a dominant character and the husband appeared hen-packed. Again, I remember thinking ‘There’s no way I can come to you and speak about the abuse I was experiencing because you clearly have no understanding and would treat it as a joke.’ Around this time, was the only time my ex-wife inflicted me injuries that were visible. I can’t remember the how, but I ended up with 2 long scratch marks on my face where the skin had been broken. People probably knew that that’s what they were but no-one said anything. I was asked what had happened, and I told people that I’d walked into a rose bush. I also learnt that while my ex-wife was in an aggressive mood, there was nothing I could do that would placate it. I never once retaliated. In the early days, I would try and argue back but this just further ignited her anger. And so, I just absorbed it and waited until her anger had burnt out. Once it did and she was calm, I would try and challenge her behaviour saying that it was completely unreasonable. I always got one of two responses: either denial to what had just happen or she’d say, “you’re a man, you can cope with it.” The children witnessed much of this, and afterwards I would also say to the children, “Your mum’s not well, but she doesn’t realise how ill she is, we all just have to try harder to help her.”

Why did I stay

So why did I stay? First of all, I took my marriage vows seriously. I was in a culture where divorce was frowned upon and it would also become hard for me to remain a minister as a divorcee. At that point in time, the church was my life’s vocation. And then the children arrived. The thought of being separated from my children was my biggest fear . My ex-wife never showed any physical aggression towards the children, although she was very verbally aggressive toward our eldest daughter in particular. While I was there, I felt that I was also protecting the children. I felt I could leave. No one would help me even if I said that I was a victim of DV. I was unaware of any refuges for men – I was even unaware that men could be victims of DV, how could I explain that to anyone. I also had nowhere to go nor any means of starting again. My salary as a church minister wasn’t great and the house I lived in belonged to the church. She also wanted a lifestyle that we couldn’t really afford. But appeasing her and trying to avoid anything that might lead to an explosion was all I was bothered about. And so, to that end, I over claimed on my expenses from the church to pay for the treats she wanted.

The realisation

In 2009, I was reaching breaking point and I started keeping a journal of the abuse I was experiencing. As well as the current stuff, I wrote down the abuse that I could remember. It shocked me as I read it back as I realised that there was a lot of stuff that had occurred that I’d forgotten. It also hit me that my account sounded so horrific it was hard to believe, and yet it was my reality. I’d run out of making excuses and was in a poor state, mentally , physically and emotionally. There was also an incident with my son who was then 9 years old that helped me realise I was kidding myself. There been another violent episode during the week where two dinner plates (containing fish and chips) had been smashed over my head . This happened in front of the children. On the Sunday, after our meal, I was in the Kitchen washing the dishes and my son brought his plate through and then proceeded to throw his left-overs at me. While I never reacted to my ex-wife doing this, I did to my son shouting at him and telling him off. There was a look of total confusion on his face and it dawned on me that he was copying his mother’s behaviour thinking that it was acceptable behaviour. Was I really protecting my children? My ex-wife started another type of episode around this time. One day , we were sitting watching TV, and she just announced , I don’t want you here anymore. ‘ She turned violent towards me and my safest option was to retreat and sit in my car. She won’t let me back in the house. So eventually, I drove to my parents’ house who now only lived 4 miles away. It was the first time I acknowledged that things were bad although I didn’t tell them everything. They tried to persuade me to stay the night at theirs. I felt I couldn’t so I went back home but my ex wouldn’t let me back in the house. I returned to my parents. The next day , I returned home.. “you’re back then” she said and then behaved as if nothing had happened. Three months later, she acted in a similar manner, but this time she also threw my clothes and personal belongings out of the front door. I think she believed that I would return the following day and we would all pretend that it had never happened. I didn’t. This time, I knew I just couldn’t go back.

The aftermath

I went to my parents. This time I showed them my journal. They were horrified, I ended up sleeping on their sofa for 6-7 weeks. I tried to stay working as a minister. Despite being presented with evidence of DV, they wanted to sweep it all under the carpet. I still have a letter where senior leadership ‘strongly urged me to return to the family home and resolve the difficult issues in our marriage.’ Eventually, my own financial malpractice came to light – I held my hands up, resigned as a minister and paid the church back the money they claimed was missing. They still took legal action and I ended up receiving a police caution which tends to deter prospective employers from taking me on. The children’s well-being was my only concern now. I found a house to rent nearby their school. My 3 children had had enough to cope with so I didn’t want to put any additional pressure on them. My two daughters needed to escape and came and live with me. My son stayed with his mum. I think he feels guilty about everyone else leaving . I do worry about the ongoing impact on him, all I can do is to try and be there.

Being a victim of DV resulted in me losing my life’s vocation, my home, many of former friends. The one thing I fought not to lose was my children. They are all I was left with. Now, my life’s vocation is speaking out and trying to raise better awareness about DV and the impact it has on us men and our children.

Ian's DV awareness campaign @SiVictim

http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/

The Men's Room - A support group for men affected by DV

www.facebook.com/groups/mensroommDVUK/

The Silence of Domestic Violence