Gender Attitudes towards Domestic Violence

I’ve often commented on the attitude of some women towards Domestic Violence and have been contemplating this for a while.  As a victim, survivor and now as a supporter of those experiencing DV, I’ve spoken to many survivors of both genders and have seen a pattern emerge between the attitudes of genders going through Domestic Abuse.   I hope that this piece proves insightful as I share my conclusions.  There will always be some exceptions, however the vast majority of people that I’ve encountered have exhibited the attitudes I describe.  

This was true for me and for other men I have spoken with.  I was a victim of Domestic Violence, but at the time of my abuse, I didn’t consider myself as such.  In fact, I didn’t even recognise what was happening to me was abuse.   Other men have said similar to me.  Is this because the societal messages subconsciously convince us that only men can commit domestic abuse against women?  Even now, the lobbyists keep promoting ‘Violence against Women and Girl’ parliamentary bills and campaigns which keep influencing society to believe that only women can be victims of domestic violence with men generally the abusers.  THIS IS FAR FROM THE REAL TRUTH.  Out of every 5 victims of Domestic Violence, 2 will be male.

It does concern me that many women don’t recognise their violent attacks of their partners as Domestic Violence.  They will make excuses.  Their actions are justifiable because they are women and prone to mood swings or hormonal imbalances caused by menstruation or pregnancy.  

Very few women will claim or accept responsibility for their actions.  It always someone else’s fault.  If they lash out, it’s not their fault it’s the fault of the person they’ve hit.  

The media contributes to this.  Read all the news reports from the courts.  If a man is in court, there’s no leniency.  If a woman is tried for a crime  9 times out of 10 the report will read mother of 2 ( you seldom read father of 2), it will state that the crime was so out of character and she didn’t know why she committed it.  If the woman doesn’t state that, the report will usually says she suffers from mental health or substance addiction.  The resulting sentence often means that the woman would get a suspended sentence whereas a male offender would go straight to jail.

Do you think I’m over-reacting?  Recently , the ITV This Morning show spent a morning on ‘Female Anger Epidemic’.  A woman talked about her own anger issues and admitted throwing a rosebowl at her partner.  She said that if it had been the other way around and her partner had thrown the bowl at her, it would be domestic violence.  I sat there watching, and said It is Domestic Violence – there’s no difference. 

But this highlights the difference in my eyes.   In my experience, women don’t recognise their violent behaviour towards their partners as Domestic Abuse and consequently fail to accept any responsibility for their actions. 

Listen Up

Part of the feedback I received from my last blog http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/its-good-to-talk.html was ‘ when we (men) have spoken out, we are not believed or listened too.’

Men and boys aren’t encouraged to speak out or talk about their problems or issues.  As a man speaking out, I have been described on numerous occasion as ‘being brave.’  To be honest, I don’t see myself as such however I do feel strongly that injustices should be identified and addressed.  If we remain silent, how can anything be done?

It is true, though, that some attempts by men/boys are met with ridicule.  In the past this would also be true for women, but no one would dare to belittle the female gender.

Men haven’t been good at speaking out about the issues that deeply affect and trouble them.  This may be because from an early age, we are conditioned to grin and bear it.  Take for example, the way parents generally deal with crying children:

Little Emily cries.” What’s wrong, dear?”  Emily then has the opportunity to speak and be heard.

Little John cries.  “Stop crying…Big boys don’t cry..”     Poor John then learns early in life that no-one really wants to listen to him share his concerns.  He then goes through life being unable to speak out.

As a victim of Domestic Victim, I felt I couldn’t speak out about what was happening to me because no body would believe me. 

As a man, I also know that I don’t visit my Doctor as often as I do.  The few occasions when I have made an appointment, my opening statement has either been, “Sorry to waste your time, but my partner said I should see you about this,”  or “It’s probably nothing but…”

It has been long established that men are less likely to visit their Doctors and often by the time they receive a diagnosis, effective treatment may no longer be available.  This is one contributory factor to why men on average die at a younger age than women.

So today’s message is Listen Up to anyone speaking out, they may be saying something worthwhile!

Child or Parent Support?

Money Demands.

It’s a sad indictment on British society when someone is better off financially not work than trying to earn their keep and not be a burden to the tax payer. 

To my own personal experience, I have found this to be true and not a urban myth.  Were I to claim Jobseekers Allowance, I would be ‘passported’ to other benefit entitlements.  However, as a low-income father, I have no eligibility to financial assistance.  Indeed, after receiving a 17 page letter from the Benefit office, the only thing I learnt was that I would be financially better off sitting at home doing nothing. 

At least, being employment does give me a sense of purpose that I lost during my spells of unemployment.  But is it right that I’m penalised for trying to make an effort to improve my lot in life?

While trying to gasp my own situation, the actress Halle Berry is reported as having some money troubles of her own.    Allegedly, she pays a monthly child support amount of $ 16,000 to her ex-partner and wants this reduced to $ 3,000 because she feels that her ex partner has been living entirely off of this payment.

She may have a point.  The feel she reputedly feels is the way that many fathers feel.  And yet, no one listens to the voice of the fathers. 

I have had dealings with the Child Support Agency here in Britain.  I have found their approach very heavy-handed when they saw me as a ‘deadbeat father.’  

Their modus operandi is to issue you with a strongly-toned letter demanding that you reply in 5 days otherwise face possible legal action.  However, they are not as prompt should you wish/seek any input from them.

Initially, my ex and I agreed a private maintenance plan, but when she realised she could squeeze more money out of me, she decided on taking a non-negotiable approach via the Child Support Agency.   They assessed my income, but not my expenditure even ignoring outgoings that were related to my children.  Their assessment of what they felt I should pay my ex-wife was the majority of my wage, leaving me without enough to cover the basic bills such as rent.

For most families I know, it is a struggle. Often, both parents have to work and it isn’t easy.  But, a separated mother becomes far more accessible to a whole range of benefits and although some may be ‘means-tested,’ any child support payments aren’t included.    Child Support should be remained because often the last person supported by this payment is the child itself!

Being Politically Correct

Rotherham, a place now synonymous with yet another child abuse scandal.  Over 1,400 young girls were groomed by a large gang of perpetrators.  The real tragedy of this is that all the authorities were aware of what was happening but choose to turn a blind eye because they were more fearful of upsetting the PC Brigade.  Rather than being branded as Racist ,the powers that be decided to ignore the cries for help from young, Caucasian girls allowing their Asian perpetrators to continue carrying out sickening attacks. 

Similar gangs had been victimising young girls in other parts of the United Kingdom and have only recently been brought to justice such as Oxford and Derby.  The scale of known abuse in Rotherham is horrific and any culture that has allowed such crimes to flourish should be condemned.

Were the roles reversed, and young asian girls were reporting being attacked by Caucasian males, I’m certain that the crimes would have been thoroughly investigated by the authorities and those involved would have quickly been dealt with.

Instead, fearful of being seen as targeting an ethnic group and being labelled as Institutionally Racist, the authorities were apathetic.

This comes after the revelations that Jimmy Saville, Rolf Harris and many other well-known personalities exploited their privileged iconic statuses to violate many innocent victims.  Again, accusations were ignored because of the perpetrators appearing above the law.  

People seem willing to exploit their fame, race and gender creating a cesspool of perversion.

Such Political Correctness is not about Equality and Diversity.  If it was , allegations would have been investigated when first made. 

The authorities, apprehensive of upsetting a powerful ethnic group, decided to ignore the many claims being made.    This doesn’t just happen with race, the same ‘political correctness’ applies to gender issues too. 

The same authorities, afraid of being accused as ‘sexist’ by militant feminists will act in similar fashion ignoring the cries for help from men.  As a result, many crimes committed by women against men are ignored. 

When I’ve received ‘Children/Vulnerable persons’ training, an integral part of the session is that any and all accusations of abuse must be accepted and referred to the appropriate agency.  Clearly, that has not been happening in England and gives the abuser even greater power of their victims. The statement  “No-body will believe you because a) of my race b) of my gender  c) I’m famous,”  needs to lose its power over the victim, but this can only happen when all victims of abuse know that there exists a safe system in which they can confidently speak out into. 

False allegations are soon proved to be false, the truth always stands out.  It’s time for the climate to change.  ALL abuse is wrong and the words of a victim must be believed and acted upon.   

Hope

I’ve been meditating on ‘Hope’ for some months now.  It strikes me that hope is the one thing we all hold on to when everything else comes crashing down.  The appeal is that we can always hope for something better. 

For example, in a relationship blighted by domestic violence, the victim very seldom leaves when the abuse first manifests itself.  We ‘hope’ for change.  We make excuses for the perpetrator telling ourselves that they are not well, they are under stress, they may be drinking too much etc.  We hope that they will ‘get better’ or change and everything will be fine.  The longer the situation carries on, the victim realises that this particular ‘hope’ won’t occur, so the hope changes.  The victim hopes for a day when everything is peaceful, and tries to do nothing that would cause offence or trigger a violent episode in their partner.  However, even this approach is flawed, because the mood swings are so random and unpredictable as the perpetrator will find any reason to attack.   Finally, when the victim is completely worn down, feeling worthless and virtually hopeless, the glimmer of a new future away from the perpetrator presents a new hope.  Just how though, remains a mystery as the victim can’t see any way to escape and by this time, all rational thought processes have been destroyed by the constant abuse suffered.

People need hope to survive.  The oppressed often turn to religion because of the hope faith offers.  Most (if not all) faith offers you the hope of a better life in the next world.  “Today’s life will be tough and hard, but don’t worry” adherents of a religion will tell you, “because if you follow XXXXXX  or this path, you will be fine in the next world/life.”  The promise of something better in the future gives hope.  Pie in the Sky when you die.  Furthermore, if you look to a religion/faith for hope, its followers are most embracing and welcoming of you especially when they think they may have a new recruit.  They will do anything and offer all sorts of assistance to make you want to feel part of that group.   Mind you if you turn your back on that group, your so-called friends may no longer offer you the same hand of friendship you previously experienced.   The future hope you signed up to when you acknowledged believe in that faith system evaporates.  You are no longer one of the chosen ones.

Hope is always there.  Hope is not reliant on external circumstances or beliefs.  There comes a time when you just have to grasp it.  Any abusive relationship will never change and if you are being victimised, your only hope is leaving and starting again.  Staying will only result in further problems and difficulties and could even cost you your life.  That hope you may have of a life free from abuse is available to you, but you have to grasp it with both hands and doing that requires a big, bold step.

Karma

At a recent family gathering, I was asked what my views were concerning Karma.  It seemed a little strange as an opening gambit from a relative who I only tend to see at family occasions.  However, I’ve often posted about my spiritual journey which has taken me from being a Christian church minister  to flirting with Atheism.  So I guess, it wasn’t  that strange a question after all.  I had certainly been reflecting on my own beliefs and the origins of personal belief.  My initial response was to say that “it’s probably easier to say what I don’t believe, rather than what I do believe.”

I don’t believe in the concepts of eternal/everlasting or indeed previous lives now.  The only thing we know with any certainty is that we are living this life now.  There is no factual evidence for anything before or after.  I know that some people claim to have had near-death experiences that equate to their own particular belief of what happens next, and there are those who under a form of hypnosis called past-life regression.   My own take on these ‘experiences’ is that the person’s own belief system has already influenced that person’s mind, so your sub conscious tells you what you want to hear. 

Similarly, well-meaning Christians have tried to convince me of the errors of my ways in turning my back on their faith by employing  Pascal’s Wager.  Pascal's Wager is an argument in philosophy which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician, and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss.  In other words, you have nothing to infinite loss, but everything to gain by believing in a God.  If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, you lose nothing.  It’s a hedge your bets argument.  Strange when most Christians/church teaching is opposed to Gambling, they ask you to ‘bet on the existence of god.’

As for Karma I can’t hold the view that my existence in a previous life, affects my current position now.  I have made conscious decisions and then had to live with the consequences of those decisions, many positive and some negative.  Nothing from an unknown past has influenced those decisions. 

However, there is a different type of Karma that we all often refer too.  Phrase like “What goes round comes round,” and “they’ll get what coming to them” has entered our vocabulary.   When someone hurts us or commits an injustice against us and isn’t punished, we use the afore-mentioned statements hoping that everything balances out, that the pain we have felt will soon be inflicted on the person that hurt us.  Does it happen?  It would be nice and rather comforting to think that it does, but in all reality it probably doesn’t.  My abuser has never accepted any responsibility for her actions and has failed to grasp the impact and consequences of her violent actions have had on me or our children.  While I hoped that natural karma would happen, so far it hasn’t.  She carried on living her live oblivious to the destruction she’s caused.  For me, I had to let go of wanting such karma to happen and move on with my life.   While I was anxious for my abuser to receive retribution for her crimes against me, the angst it caused me was a way of still allowing her to abuse me.    I guess I don’t believe in any form of Karma either. 

All that matters to me is the here and now and what I make of it.

Jobs for the Girls

It’s taken me awhile to write this as I became quite despondent about the Domestic Violence Support Service providers.  Previous posts had expressed a hope that there was a sea of change, that the policy makers were beginning to recognise that Domestic Violence is NOT a Gender-specific crime, but a crime perpetrated by males and females with members of both genders also victims. 

Local councils could help to affect change but I have now learnt that our elected representatives may try and introduce new policies, but their successful implementation depend on the local authorities’ paid staff who may also have their own agenda.

Sometime ago, I met with my local council and received assurances that, following our meeting, they would be more gender-inclusive in their support services.  My optimism was further fuelled when my local newspaper approached me for my opinion when they’d received word that my local council would be creating a job that would be reaching out to male victims of domestic violence.

So what happened?  For a long time, the job wasn’t advertised anywhere.  I contacted the chairman of the council to ask why and he informed me that the role would be an internal appointment.  He also kindly said that should no internal candidate be found, then the job vacancy would be opened up to all.  If that happened, he would let me know and true to his word, a month later he did just that.

I applied, but this is not the rant of someone who missed out.  I was disappointed I admit not even to be called for an interview.  When the selection period had passed me by, I contacted the council and asked for feedback as to why my application wasn’t considered.

I heard….nothing.   It took me several requests and five months later, I finally received the feedback I’d asked for.  In fact, by this time, I’d learnt that the job had gone to a long-term council employee with many years in administration but no experience of Domestic Violence.  My requests to the Human Resources Department for feedback where constantly ignored.  It was only when I contacted the councillor who I originally met that the paid staff sprang into action.  Within half an hour of speaking to my contact, I’d got a response at last.

As ‘including men’ had been a key part of the advertised job specification, I also asked how this was being developed.  Of course, I didn’t get any straight answers.  The Feedback received was the standardised . We received applications from many highly-qualified candidates who unfortunately did not meet the internal criteria set by the council.’ 

As for services for men,  ‘We are networking with all stakeholders to provide best service.’  Seeing no men’s group or support services existed in the group of stakeholders, forget it – it’s a case of same old, same old.

There are many fields where the male gender is underrepresented, but everyone is afraid to acknowledge this.  Industries that are male-dominated are frowned upon and we often hear of political parties having female-only shortlists in order to produce another female MP for that constituency.  I believe that balance is best in all fields as men and women have separate natural skills and giftings with both sets required for well-being. 

Good male role-models are required but where do you find them?  Not in schools, where the majority of staff are female.  In this fatherless age, imagine the societal impact if there were more positive male role-models in our schools.  The care industry is predominantly female.  There is a need for more male workers, it is not healthy for service users.

The same goes for the counselling industry.  More balance needs to be found.  I have been training as a counsellor.  I ended up being the only man in the classroom.  On a couple of occasions, I was absent.  On my return, one of my peers said to me, “I’m glad you’re here today.  The class is always a lot calmer when you’re here.” 

There may be areas that require more female staff, but the same is true but never spoken about for men.  It’s all about Gender Balance.

Personality Disorders

For years while I endured sustained assaults and suffered Domestic Abuse, I made excuses for my perpetrator.  My attacker has never shown any remorse for her actions or even acknowledged the impact it has had on me and our children.  It’s over 4 years since I escaped from the relationship and I’ve been able to move forward, but I still try and seek understanding as to why my ex behaved in the manner she did.  

Most of the data sources will tell you that Domestic Violence perpetrators are narcissistic  and taking full advantage of male privilege.  However, when pointed out that women can also behave in a violent manner towards their intimate partners, denial can no longer be used that this actually happens because it’s now accepted as possible.   Mind you, if a woman is a perpetrator of Domestic abuse, it is because of the effects of alcohol abuse or illness. 

This train of thought is very familiar to me for I used to tell my children after they’d witnessed their mother attack me, “Your mum’s not well, only she doesn’t realise it – we must all try and keep calm to help her.”

I have spoken to many people describing what I experienced.  Quite a few, from different backgrounds which included Mental Health professionals, all commented along similar lines, “Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD)”

The main way of diagnosing BPD is the matching of 5 out of 9 criteria.  Diagnosis, though, are hard to come by because treatment is often extremely difficult because of the way the patient’s anger control skills and interpersonal skills could manifest themselves.

My own personal research into Personality Disorders certainly gave me some answers for I could identify certain types of behaviour.   I saw behavioural patterns that were consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder.  I also saw behavioural traits that matched another disorder known as Antisocial Personality Disorder ( also known as Dissocial personality disorder). 

Antisocial personality disorder,  borderline personality disorder, along with narcissistic personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder, and are so closely related that they are referred to as the "antagonistic" cluster of personality disorders.  If antagonistic sounds too harsh, this group is often referred to as Emotive and Impulsive Cluster.

From my research, interviews with other DV victims and discussions with professionals, it is my belief that ALL perpetrators of Domestic Abuse, irrespectively of gender, have a personality disorder from this antagonistic cluster.

Let me briefly explain each type:

Dissocial [Antisocial] Personality Disorder F60.2 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Dissocial [antisocial] personality disorder is characterized by disregard for social obligations, and callous unconcern for the feelings of others. There is gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social norms. Behaviour is not readily modifiable by adverse experience, including punishment. There is a low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for discharge of aggression, including violence; there is a tendency to blame others, or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behaviour bringing the patient into conflict with society.

Borderline Personality Disorder F60.3 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the consequences; the mood is unpredictable and capricious. There is a liability to outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions. There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or censored. Two types may be distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour, including suicide gestures and attempts.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder F60.8 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Narcissistic personality disorder is not classified as a specific personality disorder by the World Health Organization's ICD-10. In contrast, the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5 does classify this as a specific personality disorder; characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), interpersonally exploitative, envious of others, arrogant attitudes,  need for admiration, and lack of empathy.

Histrionic Personality Disorder F60.4 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization

Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by shallow and labile affectivity, self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated expression of emotions, suggestibility, egocentricity, self-indulgence, lack of consideration for others, easily hurt feelings, and continuous seeking for appreciation, excitement and attention.

Causes of personality disorders

The causes of personality disorders are not fully known. Possible causes include trauma in early childhood such as abuse, violence, inadequate parenting and neglect. Genetic  and neurological factors could also play a part in the onset of a personality disorder.

These findings are consistent with my own views for I believe that the actions of a domestic violence perpetrator stem from their own learnt behaviours of childhood.  If they have experienced some early life trauma and not received the necessary professional help, that ‘learnt’ behaviour has moulded their personality disorder.  I have written elsewhere about my own experience and my ex- wife’s background which hinted at some deep trauma which she has never divulged. 

At the start of the piece I drew attention to the contrasting attitudes towards gender-specific perpetrators…men abuse because they think themselves superior while women only abuse because they are ill ( and alcohol abuse is also viewed as an illness).  Actually, we need to destroy all the gender myths.  Domestic Violence is NOT Gender-specific.  Both men and women abuse and both men and women are victimised.  Substance abuse is now considered an illness, and perhaps we will only see great inroads into solving and minimising the occurrence of domestic abuse incidents when we accept that ‘prone to violence’ behaviour is also an illness and treat ALL perpetrators for personality disorders.  

Apply with Caution - Adventures in Job seeking

I commenced writing this blog  when I lost my last job.  My dismissal came about because I received a police caution and I declared this caution at work.  Although the crime was not connected, or as far as I was concerned, bore any relation to the work I was doing, I felt the decision was harsh.  My conduct was deemed inappropriate despite the fact that there had been no issues with my conduct prior to my declaration.

I shared with my then employers, my whole back story and the context in which I gained the caution believing/hoping that they would understand.

They didn’t.

Since then, I’ve been searching furiously for work.  I can get plenty of volunteer roles.  People seem to want to make full use of my skills, talents and experience for free.  However, when it comes to paid work, no-one wants to take a gamble on me.

Most application forms ask for a declaration of criminal convictions.  Some also ask for warnings/cautions etc as well.  I’m not totally convinced whether prospective employers actually appreciate the difference between a conviction and a caution either.  If I get to an interview and  there’s possibility that my caution will be revealed in post-interview checks, I volunteer the information to the interview panel.

Usually on the forms, there’s a disclaimer stating that your conviction/caution will not be a factor in my potential recruitment.  When I’ve declared it to an interviewer, I’ve always been thanked for my honesty and told that my application will be judged on its merits and my caution will not influence the overcome.

However, I tend to receive the following feedback:

“We liked you as a person, you gave a strong interview BUT because of your caution we don’t want to take a chance.”

When I reveal my caution to prospective employers, I also tell them the context in which I received it and this has led me to question myself whether they really believe my testimony.

There I am, a big burly chap sitting in front of them, telling them that I was a victim of Domestic Violence and my caution was result of my befuddled attempts to try and minimise the conflict at home.    Do they really believe that men can be victims and affected by Domestic Abuse?  I fear they don't.

The reality is that I know that , without any blemish on my record, I would walk into  the vacancies I’m applying for without any problem.

Prior to receiving the caution, I was offered every job that I’d been called to be interviewed for.  Post caution, nothing.

All I can do is stay positive, keep knocking on doors and believe that very soon someone will take a chance on employing me.

The impact of a Father leaving his children Part 3

This third part has been the hardest to write as it features my third and youngest child.  This child has some mild learning difficulties and sometimes exhibits challenging behaviour.  There has been a delay on early stage of his early growth development.  His behaviour and attitudes are sometimes reminiscence of symptoms of Asperger’s  Syndrome and Autism.   Despite this and numerous medical examinations since birth, no clear diagnosis has ever been given.  His gait and posture is very infantile and he displays frustration which quickly turns into vented anger when things don’t go right for him.  School has always been a struggle for him.

His problems were one of the key factors that kept me in the abusive marriage for many years.  I believed that my leaving would cause him further and greater damage and would severely affect his well-being. 

A huge turning point for me was when he mirrored one of his mother’s attacks on me.  A couple of days prior to this episode, his mother had turned violent, first of all she was verbally threatening.  When I didn’t respond, she deliberated overturned her dinner plate over my head so that the food cascaded down me and then smashed the plate on my head.  I had learnt that no response could calm her so I just sat there and absorbed it without making any response.  Because this action hadn’t provoked me into retaliation of any description, she then grabbed my dinner plate and threw that over me too.   She then stormed out the house and I started to clear the mess up.

A few days after this,  I’d cook and served dinner for all the family and was in the kitchen washing the dishes.  My son, who was 10 years old at this stage, brought his plate out and threw the remains over me.   I was cross with him and shouted at him, he was visibly upset and had a look of shock on his face.  

I realised that he thought his actions were ‘normal’ and okay because he’d seen his mother do similar just days before.  It also dawned on me that my staying in that abusive environment and absorbing such violence wasn’t protecting the children from the impact of domestic violence after all.

Shortly after this, during another violent assault, I chose not to return to the marital home.  It broke my heart to leaving all three children behind. 

My son had always been close to the middle child who was like a second mother to him.  He’d started playschool while she was still there and she took the parental instruction of “Look after your brother for us” seriously.

This relationship seemed to change once the eldest child came to live with me, and my second daughter has written in this blog about the events that led her to coming to live with me.  Part of that was her own brother attacking her.

This is the situation that worries me most and I feel helpless about.  My son still lives with his mother.  He stays with me every other weekend.  I know he feels a loyalty to his mother as he’s seen me and his two sisters leave, so he feels he can’t abandon his mother and cant come and live with me.

For the most part, he is a delightful young man.  When he stays with me, he never hits out.  There are occasions when he sulks, but either I or his siblings are able to bring him out of the mood before he get angry and violent.  However, I do worry about the time he’s not in my care.

There have been a couple of episodes at school when his frustrations have boiled over.  The school have been very good in managing him and have realised that the majority of the time, others have been provoking him to try and elicit a reaction. 

I see in him similar behaviour to his mother.  I’ve tried talking to her about this for I’ve questioned whether this is something genetic or learnt.   When he stays with me, I always try to encourage him to talk.  He will talk on any subject that he’s interested in but won’t talk about his feelings or emotional state.

Interesting, when he was staying with me, one of his sisters intercepted a facebook conversation with a school colleague where he was telling this other person that he was saw the Doctor every week for depression.   I shared this with his mother, but when  I asked my son why he felt he needed to tell someone this fabrication (although of course I didn’t phrase it like that) he won’t talk about it.  To me, however, it was rather insightful because I think he recognises that he needs to talk to someone.

Recently, his school contacted me again because they are concerned about some of his challenging behaviour.  There had been bullying in the past, so they do take things seriously.  My son had complained to a teacher that he was being attacked and his descriptions were quite vivid.  However, they had been watching closely and had seen nothing untoward taking place.  When I spoke to my son about this he was adamant it was happening.   When I questioned it, he got very aggressive and challenged whether I believed him or not.  This tactic, I know, would stop his mother from seeking more information.  However, I persevered and eventually he admitted that he’d make the whole thing up and told school that.  He was then remorseful and contrite.

He needs some help but won’t talk to anyone.  I have tried to involve other agencies.  When his second sister left, I called social services and child protection because I was concerned.   They did a quick onsite assessment, but because they deemed him not at any physical risk from his mother, they closed the case.  No-one wants to assess the emotional or mental risk. 

The only thing that gives me hope is that he’s fine when triggers aren’t breached, although he won’t recognise triggers or the impact of his behaviour.  He does display some of the aggressive traits of his mother, although the one area where they differ is that afterwards, he is remorseful and recognises his wrong doing.  I only hope that as he grows older, he’s able to talk through the things and emotions that he’s obviously bottling up.  I just wish the help was offered and provided that I believe he needs.

Learnt Behaviours

In my previous blog on ‘Attitudes’, I highlighted the need for positive role models of BOTH genders in support services.  This blog on ‘Learnt Behaviours’ naturally follows on because people do tend to mirror the behaviour of those around them, but the issues I want to explore go deeper.

One of the factors that kept me remaining in my abusive marriage was my personal fears about the impact my leaving would have upon my children.  I felt I could protect my children from the abuse if I was present.  My ex-wife was never physically abusive towards the children although they witnessed several of her assaults on me.  Although she would still not recognise it, she was emotionally, psychological and verbally abusive towards the children.   I would try and minimise the effect by telling the children that ‘their mother wasn’t well – only she didn’t realise how ill she was – and we all had to try and stay calm to help her.’

A huge turning point on my recovery journey was when the youngest child threw dinner all over me.  This was something that my ex-wife had done a few days earlier and I realised that I wasn’t really protecting the children if they were seeing such attacks and coping them because they were beginning to see them as ‘normal’ family behaviours.

I have spent considerable time reflecting and trying to work out why my abusive ex-wife behaved towards me in the fashion she did.

I have to confess that I knew very little about her childhood and, in the years we spent together, she didn’t talk or wasn’t prepared to talk about it.  From what little I knew, I assumed it had been a difficult time so didn’t probe too much.  Her mother and father had met quite late in life and her father had died while she was in primary school education.  She had been raised by an elderly mother which couldn’t have been easy.  Her mother died just before we got married.  I did meet my mother-in-law but didn’t see in her any of the behavioural traits that would lead to me being domestically abused.  However, my knowledge of my ex-wives’ family was restricted to holiday visits as all her family lived on one of the offshore islands of the UK. 

The only time I was able to see a brief snapshot inside her childhood was when I received an email from someone that had gone to school with my ex-wife and wanted to make contact.  This person knew that she was a church minister and had sought to contact her through the church.   In the email, this old school colleague apologised for her treatment and the group bullying that took place towards my ex-wife.  She said that she’d experienced a traumatic life since school but had subsequently become a Christian and wanted to put things right.   I passed the email onto my ex-wife, but she didn’t want to know, screwing the paper that I'd printed the email on , up and throwing it away.  I suggested to my ex-wife that just out of common courtesy she should reply, but she just wouldn’t entertain the notion.   It was as if any sort of childhood experience/memory was a closed book and she wanted to keep it that way. 

I am convinced that some trauma(s) occurred to make her behave in the manner in which she did.  I can only speculate to the nature as she always refused to talk: was her own father abusive towards her mother?  Was her mother abusive towards her?  The email certainly suggested that she was seriously bullied at school?  

Is this my problem now that we are divorced?  Blocking out the childhood trauma (whatever it may be) may be her coping strategy, but the learnt behaviour from it led to an abusive marriage and emotional and psychological damage to our children.  Continued failure to deal with the past  will eventually affect any new relationship she may enter into and continues to impact the relationship she has with her own children.

The worrying thing for me now is that occasionally I see the children behaving in a manner reminiscent of their mother.  How do I handle this and break the possible cycle of abuse?  My children won’t enter into conversation about this and refuse to accept me comparing their episodic conduct with that of their mothers.  “I’m not like her!” “Don’t compare me to her!

While the dynamics in a parental relationship is different and the fall-out may get attributed to common teenage stroppiness etc., it does concern me that these examples of learnt behaviour could be destructive when transferred over into the intimate adult relationships that my children will form one day.  As a responsible and caring father, how can I change this?  I have spoken openly and honestly with my children about what happened but this doesn’t seem to be enough when I observe the same behavioural traits in my children that I witnessed in their mother.  How can I repair the damage that has already been done so that history doesn't repeat itself?  I wish  I knew.

A fearful silence

Part of an abusers armoury is their employment of emotional blackmail and constant belittling of the victim.  People looking from outside may wonder why one untrue spoken comment causes so much damage.  However it is not the sole innocuous word spoken in haste, but a constant barrage of depreciation wears the target down, who then starts to sink into low personal self-esteem and little confidence which then affects every area of their lives.

Abusers also use their environmental perception to further degrade their victim with comments such as  “No-one will believe you,” or “No one else would want you.”

My abuser would tell me every day in front of our children that she hated me.   This would be without any provocation and not even in the context of those barbed statements that are sometimes thrown in a verbal domestic exchange.   I stopped talking about our work (because part of our work load was shared), because she found fault with everything.  With hindsight, I probably stopped working to the best of my ability because I was just so tired of having to face a bombardment of insults concerning my labours.

Knowing that the slightest thing could trigger a violent assault from her, I completely withdrew into myself.  I put on a charade to hide the truth, but I wasn’t myself.  

I’ve already written that when challenged, my abusive ex-wife would respond with “You’re a Man, you can put up with it.”  She also resorted to emotional blackmail.  On a regular basis I would be told, “If you leave, I will destroy you completely,” and “I’ll take you for every penny”  That wasn’t hard since I didn’t have a penny to my name!

Being church ministers, our house was the property of the church (as was the car I drove).    She told me often that she could leave whenever she wanted because if she took the children, enough agencies would be willing to rehouse a single mother with three children.  She would also tell me that I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go and no-one would provide me with housing .

She was right, she knew it and exploited that fact.  She knew that, as a man, I was unlikely to tell anyone my fate at her hands.  She knew that there was no refuge resources for me. She knew that people would not and could not comprehend the level of abuse that I’d suffered.  She knew that people would assume I may be over-reacting to a simple fall-out. 

Men also remain silent because they know that it will be difficult to convince others that they are a victim of domestic abuse.  Sadly, the perpetrator usually exploits this knowledge to their own advantage increasing the psychological pressure on the victim.

The silence deepened.  I felt I had no choice.  As fear clouded over me, my mental and psychological well-being evaporated.   If you have followed my story, you will know that the point came after 17 long years when I choose not to go back into the abuse.  I escaped.  What happened?  

All the things I feared came true.  I did indeed have nowhere to go.  I ended up sleeping on my elderly parents’ sofa for 6 weeks.  Their bungalow wasn’t big enough to house me indefinitely.  Yes, there were many who though I was over-reacting to a simple fall-out.  Only it was far from simple and eventually the whole truth emerged.  

My fearful silence was over.  I won’t pretend it was easy. In fact, life which had been quite secure was now tough.  However, I’m a different person now.  The journey I’m on as a survivor is hard,  but I have regained my life.  No longer am I just existing from moment to moment, I’m learning to enjoy the moments living free of all fear.

Appeal Aftermath

After some general advice and information, it’s time once more to pick up my story. I had been waiting for the official notification of my appeal.  Within ten days of the appeal being held, I should have received the written decision.  Everyday I waited for the mail to be delivered.  Nothing arrived.  There is a maxim that says ‘no news is good news.’  It didn’t apply in this instance.  Realistically, I wasn’t expecting a reversal of the judgment that had resulted in my dismissal.  Idealistically I had hoped for some understanding into the stigma of being a male victim of Domestic Violence and the impact it had on my mental health particularly as I was working within the Mental health care field. 

I used this time to reflect on my brief career in social care.  The majority of workers in this industry are female with very few male members of staff in any care organisation.  I was initially told that I would be in constant demand for work as good male workers were a rare commodity and greatly needed.  This proved to be my experience and I received praise for the way in which I worked.  I found that my co-workers were all fully committed and worked hard and efficiently to ensure that the best possible service was offered to clients.     However, management were often more cynical towards clients and workers.  With hindsight, I feel that some of my interactions with my managers (who all happened to be female) may have also coloured their judgement. 

I had only been in the job for seven weeks when a vacancy within the organisation was advertised.  This post was at a higher grade, located in the town where I lived rather than fifty miles from home, more conventional working hours and I had the qualifications required.  I informed my line manager that I would be applying, not because I was unhappy with my current role, but because it was an opportunity too good to miss.  My line manager responded that she would do the same if she was in my position.  However, the funding for this post hadn’t been properly secure and recruitment was postponed.  The job I had involved a huge amount of travelling and mileage expenses could be claimed back from the organisation.  I had submitted my expenses for authorisation and was rather upset to discover three weeks later that my line manager hadn’t yet dealt with them.  I spoke privately to my line manager and received a poor excuse as to why they hadn’t been submitted. Having been in management myself, I recognised managerial claptrap and would have preferred the truth.  It transpired that all team members had outstanding expense claims that were awaiting reimbursement.  Christmas was approaching and all staff were unhappy as the delay was affecting Christmas budgeting.  I subsequently raised this issue at the next team meeting where I was supported by my shift colleague.  The service lead responded that it was up to her when she submitted the claims, with no acknowledgement that the problem had arose because she’d forgotten about them in the first place.

The service I worked with was an ‘out of hours’ service that overlapped some regular ‘nine to five’ services within the organisation.  Without going into great detail, I discovered that the organisation had been paying the telephone bill of a Client for over eighteen months.  When I came across this, I spoke to the line manager of the department responsible who was adamant that the transfer of responsibility for the telephone line over to the client had taken place correctly.  I went away and collected the necessary information, returning to the manager who then looked at it with her line manager and realised that I was right. 

Prior to my probation review which led to my release, two supervision sessions had been held between my line manager and myself.   Following these sessions, company policy was that we both sign a copy of the supervision notes and that I was given a copy.  The first time I saw these was at my probation review when I was presented with both sets to sign.  I never received a copy of these documents.

A month after the appeal, I still hadn’t received notice of the appeal’s decision.   I wrote to the CEO of the organisation explaining the situation and that I was still waiting for the result.  He responded immediately to say that he had asked the regional headquarters to investigate.  Another month passed without any word so once more I contacted the CEO.  It transpired that the wrong regional office had been asked to investigate.  The CEO apologised for the bad working practise of the organisation and also said that I would receive a personal apology and explanation from the regional manager.  The regional manager’s letter contained an apology stating that although the letter had been written immediately following the appeal, due to an administration error it wasn’t mailed out to me.  The original letter was also included and stated that attached to it were the minutes of the appeal.  The minutes were not included.  I contacted the regional manager once more to say that I still hadn’t received my copy of the supervision interviews and that the minutes of the appeal hadn’t been included despite it being stated that they were.  I finally received all documentation a week later.  This now meant closure for me, I could move on from the feelings I had felt about the poor handling of my situation by this organisation.

Depression

There have been periods of my life where I have been completely empty, devoid of any purpose or motivation.  I muse over whether my life is worth living.  I want to stay in bed.  I don’t feel like getting out of bed and facing the day.  I can’t be bothered to wash or shave.  I spend time wallowing in self-pity. 

I’m fortunate to have people close to me that recognise the triggers and try and drag me out of my despair.  Once I can focus on an activity, I’m generally journeying out of the darkness.

Men aren’t used to asking for help.  We are the ones that are supposed to remain strong, the ones that hold it all together.  Any visible display of weakness shows us to be less than a man.  At least, that’s the perceived message we receive.

And so it means that hurting men remain silent, not seeking help, refuse to talk or even verbally acknowledging our struggles.

1 in 4 women suffer from depression while the statistics say that 1 in 10 men suffer from depression.  Most experts will acknowledge that depression in men is underreported and undiagnosed.  As men, we aren’t encouraged to talk about the way we feel.  Any suggestion of feeling low and we are likely to receive responses such as ‘Pull yourself together man!’ or ‘Snap out of it.’  Statistics also suggest that 60% of female  Domestic Abuse victims have depression.  There are no statistics available for male victims.

As a man I have bottled up so many emotions and feelings.  I am learning that it’s good to talk.  Part of me wishes I could have unburdened myself earlier.  Maybe I would be in a better place now.

Men don’t tend to visit their Doctor as often as they should.  I fall into this category. The only time that I would visit the Doctor’s Surgery was when I moved house and needed to register with a doctor.  With hindsight, I know that I have been in a depressed state for many years trying to regulate it myself.

Sometimes, we do need help and I’m learning that there is no shame in asking for aid.  It doesn’t come naturally to me.  Finally I went to see my Doctor and spoke with him.  He prescribed me with Antidepressants.  Are they helping? Its early days and I don’t really know but I shall keep taking the tablets.

Looking for Work

With no work for the immediate future, I had to motivate myself enough to find out what benefits I was entitled to.   I was so low in mood, the last things I really wanted to do was have to explain that I’d just lost my job and what did I need to do to claim.  However, I quickly learnt that the sooner you register your claim, the sooner you can receive benefits. 

Filing out forms that question every area of your life takes you mentally back into a self-reflective journey which is not comfortable.  Then you have to provide documentation to evidence how destitute you are.  You need to do this to survive.

The first time I entered the Dole Office, I have a sense of extreme personal embarrassment.   Others walk in and out nonplussed.  I wait to be called over to the desk to see a job advisor.  I tell them all I’m doing to find work.  They seemed impressed and tell me I’m doing everything I can.

I get offered an interview.  I’m apprehensive about the interview because although I answered the ‘have you any convictions?’ application question in the negative, the post is subject to a satisfactory Criminal Bureau Records.

The interview goes well.  At the end of the interview I declare that I have a caution for events surrounding the break-up of my marriage.  The interviewers don’t ask me to expand on this.  Two days later I’m offered the job subject to the necessary paperwork.

In the meantime I wait.  I still have to sign on the dole on a fortnight.  An agency also offers me work but there’s a cost implication for me – I have to pay for training prior to working any shifts for them.

The following week I receive a letter from the agency explaining that my application has been unsuccessful because of an unsatisfactory reference.  I telephone them to ask about the reference.  Apparently, my last employers stated that I didn’t finish my period of probation and that was, in the eyes of the agency, unsatisfactory. 

The next day, I receive a letter from the organisation that had made me a job offer inviting me to a meeting.  I sense the worst.  I go to the meeting and learn that the job offer is being withdrawn.  They explain that they had checked with my previous employers and learnt the nature of my caution.  They felt that the way I had disclosed it at interview was misleading and therefore they were withdrawing their job offer.

I tried to explain the context in which the caution was received, but their minds were already made up.  I know what I did was wrong, I’m paying the price but what happened was a result of my state of mind being completely distorted by years of domestic abuse.  No one seems to be hearing that, it’s as if they don’t believe that I could be a victim of spousal abuse.  

Where do I go next? 

Faith and Prayer

My main life coping strategy has been to prepare for the worst mentally, emotionally and psychologically then any other outcome is a positive bonus.  Although it may sound that I am  pessimistic, I actually try and make the best out of my circumstances.  I like to be focussed and organised.  I function best when I have a routine or plans to act on. 

There have been many occasions recently when people  have assured me that they will be praying for me at a specific  time when I was facing meetings/interviews.  On all these occurrences, the worst case scenarios were fulfilled.  My subsequent reflections posed the question ‘would I be better off without the prayers of the well-meaning?’

As a former church minister, I understand and appreciate the intention.  I have to ask ‘who benefits from praying?’

It can be comforting to know that someone else is thinking of you particularly during difficulties.  The one committed to pray may feel that they are able to do something that they see as constructive by calling out to their deity. 

Prayer has another dimension also.  A person of faith who prays calls usually calls upon God for intervention.  Does God hear and answers Prayers? What happens if two people are praying  at the same time for the same situation but praying for opposing outcomes?  How does God decide which prayer to answer?  In that case, God can just sit back and see how events unfold  while doing absolute nothing.  One person will claim that God answered their prayer, but the other person may also claim that their God answered prayer by saying No.  They may also say that prayer wasn’t answered because their faith wasn’t strong enough.

I know many of the quotes preachers will give you concerning prayer.  Over the years, I’ve used them myself.  Here are a couple of examples heard from pulpits worldwide:

William Temple replied to his critics who regarded answered prayer as no more than coincidence, “When I pray, coincidences happen; when I don’t, they don’t.”

Seven Days without Prayer make One Weak

Pray as if everything depended on God, and work as if everything depended upon man

During my early days as a church minister, I had one parishioner who was the first to volunteer for any task needed doing.  He became a good friend and I would describe him as one of the most righteous men that I have known.  He faced major surgery and all the community were praying for his recovery.  He had been told that it was a complex operation and it could go either way: recovery or death.  Prior to the operation, he spoke with such faith that his God would pull him through. He never survived the operation.  Why did so many prayers go unanswered?  Many people could ask similar questions.

Another favourite sermon interjection of preachers is to refer to the latest newspaper report that cites a study carried out on medical patients with some receiving prayer and some not receiving prayer.  The preacher always announces that prayer made the difference in recovery.

Prayer doesn’t work as an appeal to some Supreme Being.  If a person has faith in a belief system, then that might give that person hope.  If prayer is seen to work, the deity receives the credit.  If it doesn’t work, the deity has said no or there’s a lack of faith or some form of demonic interference.   

I want to say thank you for your prayers but they don’t work. If a Supreme Being exists, why does (s)he never intervene.  Earlier in my personal story, I shared my reflection asking how a supposed God of love could allow someone who had sacrificed a career to follow a godly vocation be abused by someone who also claimed to serve this God of love? 

What will be will be.  Prayers don’t make any difference, but positive thinking and energy just might.

The Appeal

Having the children stay over at the weekend boosted my motivation and I decided to ask for an appeal.  I cited the grounds for which I wished to challenge the decision.  I hoped that because the charity campaigned to raise awareness around mental illness and to reduce stigma that they would understand my state of mind at the time of the crime.

I’d started blogging my experiences and this had given me a renewed purpose.  I had been quite lethargic and had felt I had no real purpose to life.  Even getting out of bed to face the day was a huge struggle. 

I received a letter back from the Area manager stating the time, place and conditions of my appeal hearing.  The conditions were that the area manager’s decision would be final and the decision would be communicated in letter format within ten days of the appeal.  The venue was the regional offices which meant a round trip of over one hundred and forty miles.

I arranged early for the meeting.  However, the HR representation was late in arrival which delayed the start of our consultation. 

By the time of the appeal, I’d written nine pages of this blog (up to and including ‘Coping Strategies’) so I submitted this as part of my appeal.

It’s not easy talking about the Domestic Abuse that you have suffered, but I tried to share the impact it had on me.  I did hope that they would understand the mental anguish I was placed under, the way in which my whole thought process became disturbed and how I lose sight of reality, making misguided efforts to try and placate Sandra by continuously providing treats that I could not afford.  I emptied my entire emotional reservoir out in that room.  

I’m not proud of the crime I committed.  I can’t make any excuses.  I’ve taken responsibility for my actions. I do know though, had I not suffered long term domestic abuse, I would never have done what I did.  I told the room that I had made restitution and suffering DV had cost me everything; my vocation, my home.   Here I was trying to rebuild my life and forget the mistakes of the past.

They listened and thanked me for attending.  The appeal finished.  I was informed that I would be notified in writing of the decision within ten days. 

Everyday I watched and waited for the postman to deliver the mail.  It was soul destroying waiting for a letter which I thought may bring closure.  That letter has never arrived and far more days than ten have elapsed.  I am bitterly disappointed.  I thought highly of the charity when I first started working with them.  They seemed to have a sound management structure and values. 

The questions I asked in my appeal were never answered.  I imagine that the original decision to dismiss me was upheld with them looking at the caution, but ignoring the circumstances.  I had hope that they would understand the effect of suffering Domestic Abuse had on my mental health being a mental health charity themselves. Working for them had given me some insight into my own mental state of mind.   I am bitterly disappointed that charity never had the courtesy to convey to me the decision of the appeal.   

Support for Male Victims

When I first went for counselling following the marriage break-up I recall telling the counsellor that I wanted to speak out about Domestic Violence affecting males but I also knew that I was too raw at that particular moment.  I have looked around and there is little support/help for male victims.  For years I kept silent because I was fearful of being treated with disbelief.  I wanted to bring awareness to this issue, but didn’t know where to begin.

In the early hours on one morning the idea struck me like a lighting bolt: write a blog.  As I pondered over the concept, inspirations seem to explode in my mind.  I got up and wrote continuously for eight hours.

I then opened a facebook account for Si Victim and emailed organisation who I thought may be able to either support my quest or use my story.  I contacted several Christian news agencies and several Christian men’s groups.  CHRISTIAN TODAY were very encouraging and asked if I could write a summary of my experiences for them.  I also received several emails from people who had experienced similar abuse and had been heartened by my online sharing of my experience.

The Christian Today article can be found here or by following the link on the right-hand side of this page.

http://www.christiantoday.com/article/church.minister.and.domestic.abuse.victim/29491.htm

This gave me renewed purpose.  Support organisations for male victims are still extremely rare.  There are a few online services and I guess that these work well.  For me, a major step was learning that I was not alone in suffering abuse. 

The Men’s Advice Line is a  freephone number 0808 801 0327 - free from landlines and mobile phones. The line is operated between :

Monday - Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm

If the lines are busy or if you are calling outside of those hours, please leave a message with your name and a safe number and they will call you back within two working days. You can also email them on: info@mensadviceline.org.uk

There is also the Mankind Initiative:  http://www.mankind.org.uk/. They, too, operate a telephone helpline:

01823 334244 If you are a man suffering Domestic Abuse or Violence call this number.
Our confidential helpline is manned from Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 9pm.
Helpline services for the Deaf are provided through Text Relay. Visit www.textrelay.org for details.
Normal BT rates apply

I also set up a Twitter account so please follow me on Twitter  @SiVictim.  Through Twitter, I discovered an online Campaign called Domestic Violence who brought out the first edition of a helpful magazine for all DV victims and survivors called MSM (Mutual Support Magazine).

MSM can be downloaded here:

http://domesticviolenceuk.org/category/mutual-support-magazine/

Any male currently in an abusive relationship may be  making excuses for your partner’s behaviour. Often, that is the first method of coping with the trauma. I can guarantee that at some point, you will run out of excuses. I eventually did but it took many years to arrive there.

I would recommend writing your own journal of your experience. This was the defining moment in my journey. As I reread my account, it finally dawned on me how horrific my situation was. Although I knew it to be true, it read like fiction and I thought that, come the moment when I shared my journal with others, they would not believe it. So I also incorporated photographs taken with a mobile device into the journal. This is a very personal document that eventually I was able to share with some others who were able to understand and support me in my recovery. For me, the most important aspect has been other people’s acceptance of my reality. From there, with help I can and I am moving forward. 

I would advise anyone experiencing DV to write a journal as the first step  and when you feel strong enough, to find someone you can share it with or to talk too.