When I first went for counselling following the marriage
break-up I recall telling the counsellor that I wanted to speak out about
Domestic Violence affecting males but I also knew that I was too raw at that
particular moment. I have looked around
and there is little support/help for male victims. For years I kept silent because I was fearful
of being treated with disbelief. I wanted
to bring awareness to this issue, but didn’t know where to begin.
In the early hours on one morning the idea struck me like a
lighting bolt: write a blog. As I
pondered over the concept, inspirations seem to explode in my mind. I got up and wrote continuously for eight
hours.
I then opened a facebook account for Si Victim and emailed
organisation who I thought may be able to either support my quest or use my
story. I contacted several Christian
news agencies and several Christian men’s groups. CHRISTIAN TODAY were very encouraging and
asked if I could write a summary of my experiences for them. I also received several emails from people
who had experienced similar abuse and had been heartened by my online sharing
of my experience.
The Christian Today article can be found here or by
following the link on the right-hand side of this page.
This gave me renewed purpose. Support organisations for male victims are
still extremely rare. There are a few
online services and I guess that these work well. For me, a major step was learning that I was
not alone in suffering abuse.
The Men’s Advice Line is a freephone number 0808 801 0327 - free from
landlines and mobile phones. The line is operated between :
Monday - Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm
If the lines are busy or if you are calling outside
of those hours, please leave a message with your name and a safe number and they
will call you back within two working days. You can also email them on: info@mensadviceline.org.uk
There is also the Mankind Initiative: http://www.mankind.org.uk/.
They, too, operate a telephone helpline:
01823 334244 If you are a man suffering Domestic Abuse or Violence call this number.
Our confidential helpline is manned from Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 9pm.
Helpline services for the Deaf are provided through Text Relay. Visit www.textrelay.org for details.
Normal BT rates apply
I also set up a Twitter account
so please follow me on Twitter @SiVictim. Through Twitter, I discovered an online
Campaign called Domestic Violence who brought out the first edition of a
helpful magazine for all DV victims and survivors called MSM (Mutual Support
Magazine).
MSM can be downloaded here:
Any male currently in an
abusive relationship may be making excuses for your partner’s
behaviour. Often, that is the first method of coping with the trauma. I can
guarantee that at some point, you will run out of excuses. I eventually did but
it took many years to arrive there.
I would recommend writing your own journal of your experience. This was
the defining moment in my journey. As I reread my account, it finally dawned on
me how horrific my situation was. Although I knew it to be true, it read like
fiction and I thought that, come the moment when I shared my journal with
others, they would not believe it. So I also incorporated photographs taken
with a mobile device into the journal. This is a very personal document that
eventually I was able to share with some others who were able to understand and
support me in my recovery. For me, the most important aspect has been other
people’s acceptance of my reality. From there, with help I can and I am moving
forward.
I would advise anyone experiencing DV to write a journal as the first
step and when you feel strong enough, to
find someone you can share it with or to talk too.
Last year I came out of an abusive marriage. My wife made allegations that I was the one who was abusive, but on an occasional basis I had recorded incidents, shutting myself in a room with a chair back against the door handle and writing whilst, sometimes, my wife (who was and still is in a caring position at work was on the other side shouting at me and wanting to get in. That record, made over a period of about two and a half years with files saved 'in the cloud', has proved immensely helpful and reassuring in the aftermath. Because of the way in which the files were saved there can be no doubt about when each one was written and it cannot have been modified since then. My records helped me realise how she put me in an impossible position.
ReplyDeletewe here many cases of domestic violence and other type of violence's but victim have to face many problems after violence. We should always help them,
ReplyDeletewww.faceforwardla.org
I am the person who wrote the anonymous comment published here on 1 January 2013.
ReplyDeleteMy latest experience followed my recent decree absolute. I had been in contact with my abuser's father regarding various practical arrangements. I decided to achieve 'closure' by telling him for the first time about some of the experiences I wrote in my diary. I deliberately avoided stating exactly who had abused me, so as to save him some possible upset, for this was the first time anyone had told him. Subsequently my abuser complained and I received a visit from Cumbria Police. The Police presented no evidence to me, but claimed there had been a complaint of harassment by my wife. They quite quickly said they were 'warning' me, but I told them about my records of her domestic abuse. It was only afterwards that I realised a 'warning' apparently means it is considered that I had committed an offence. I'm sure I hadn't and besides, I had written to the father, not the complainant.
I wrote to the Inspector to make an informal complaint. I gave some more background, pointing out that the police had been aware that I had experienced abuse and had kept a diary since February last year. I have asked whether or not I was considered to have been given a 'warning' and requested that it either be withdrawn, or that it be justified. I handed the letter to a police officer on Friday 2 August. It is now Saturday 10 August. I have heard nothing to date. I hope that means the Inspector is still investigating the matter.
I think this raises an interesting point, is an abused man permitted to reveal that he has experienced domestic abuse, or does he run the risk of being charged with harassment? For more details please read my notes.
I am the person who wrote the anonymous comment published here on 1 January 2013.
My latest experience followed my recent decree absolute. I had been in contact with my abuser's father regarding various practical arrangements. I decided to achieve 'closure' by telling him for the first time about some of the experiences I wrote in my diary. I deliberately avoided stating exactly who had abused me, so as to save him some possible upset, for this was the first time anyone had told him. Subsequently my abuser complained and I received a visit from Cumbria Police. The Police presented no evidence to me, but claimed there had been a complaint of harassment by my wife. They quite quickly said they were 'warning' me, but I told them about my records of her domestic abuse. It was only afterwards that I realised a 'warning' apparently means it is considered that I had committed an offence. I'm sure I hadn't and besides, I had written to the father, not the complainant.
I wrote to the Inspector to make an informal complaint. I gave some more background, pointing out that the police had been aware that I had experienced abuse and had kept a diary since February last year. I have asked whether or not I was considered to have been given a 'warning' and requested that it either be withdrawn, or that it be justified. I handed the letter to a police officer on Friday 2 August. It is now Saturday 10 August. I have heard nothing to date. I hope that means the Inspector is still investigating the matter.
I think this raises an interesting point, is an abused man permitted to reveal that he has experienced domestic abuse, or does he run the risk of being charged with harassment? For more details please read my notes. https://domesticabusedhusband.wordpress.com/extracts-from-my-journal-of-her-abuse/
I was in an abusive relationship for about six year, For the last few years I was given drugs and kept sedated by wife, she eased off on the drugs if i had to go out but ensured I had some more before I got home so I would be sedated again by the time I was home again. On the occassions I left the house she had to be with me, I wasn't even able to go to the doctors on my own. If I suggested it I was shouted at and told "You only want to go alone so that you can say what a bad wife I am and all the bad things I do to you and our daughter."The isolation and always having her with me was made worse by having my life controlled. I wasn't allowed to go out alone, was made to move away from my family and give up my hobbies I did on my own.
ReplyDeleteI was also assaulted in my sleep which included me needing surgery to repair my broken nose, I was told I hit myself and this was what I had to tell everyone around me. In addition to all that my young daughter was abused by her as well.
After a flash point the police were involved and I managed to get a referral to Social Services. You would hope that with the lid coming off things would be sorted out. It isn't that easy, From my experience I found that getting help was not easy. I was fighting a system that gives lip service to male victims. I spoke to people on the phone and via email (Some national and well known organisations) only to find they couldn't or wouldn't help. Most meetings I attended were attended by women and run by women, no one ever questioned how I felt being questioned and often criticised by several women in a room. Through out the process no one actually acknowledged I was a victim and everything was done to try and reverse the roles. My wife had support, people visited her at her accomodation several times a week and this support was arranged for her. I had none except from Social services which was usually a quick phone call asking whether everthing was okay.
I heard about a local organisation called Arch that had a male victim support worker. Through them I was able to organise much needed support for me and my daughter. Many have said I was or am one of the lucky ones. I don't necessarily feel lucky when I found out I had to be assessed to ensure I was a male victim and not a perpetrator. Women are taken on face value as being victims. The support provided to me has been the best I could have wished for from Arch but it was down to me to get help and was told "I wouldn't have faced half the problems I did if I had been a female victim."
That is a shame,
1. There is not enough Support for men
2. Men have to prove they are a victim
3. Men often are left to find help and support for themselves.
I have started a website to help raise awareness and guide male victims to the help and support they need and deserve it is http://www.menhurt2.org. It is easy for men to become bitter against what happens to them when they are the victim but on the website I use the phrase "It doesn't matter who you are, abuse hurts" It is that what abuse victims need to focus on not sexuality, but victims. We all hurt and we all need help, perpetrators shouldn't be put before the victim. Domestic Abuse needs to be more victim focused as a primary aim and not gender focused first, victim second.
When the abuse stops the pain and problem still carry on, victims need on going support along with the children that have often witnessed things no child should witness.