Karma

At a recent family gathering, I was asked what my views were concerning Karma.  It seemed a little strange as an opening gambit from a relative who I only tend to see at family occasions.  However, I’ve often posted about my spiritual journey which has taken me from being a Christian church minister  to flirting with Atheism.  So I guess, it wasn’t  that strange a question after all.  I had certainly been reflecting on my own beliefs and the origins of personal belief.  My initial response was to say that “it’s probably easier to say what I don’t believe, rather than what I do believe.”

I don’t believe in the concepts of eternal/everlasting or indeed previous lives now.  The only thing we know with any certainty is that we are living this life now.  There is no factual evidence for anything before or after.  I know that some people claim to have had near-death experiences that equate to their own particular belief of what happens next, and there are those who under a form of hypnosis called past-life regression.   My own take on these ‘experiences’ is that the person’s own belief system has already influenced that person’s mind, so your sub conscious tells you what you want to hear. 

Similarly, well-meaning Christians have tried to convince me of the errors of my ways in turning my back on their faith by employing  Pascal’s Wager.  Pascal's Wager is an argument in philosophy which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician, and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss.  In other words, you have nothing to infinite loss, but everything to gain by believing in a God.  If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, you lose nothing.  It’s a hedge your bets argument.  Strange when most Christians/church teaching is opposed to Gambling, they ask you to ‘bet on the existence of god.’

As for Karma I can’t hold the view that my existence in a previous life, affects my current position now.  I have made conscious decisions and then had to live with the consequences of those decisions, many positive and some negative.  Nothing from an unknown past has influenced those decisions. 

However, there is a different type of Karma that we all often refer too.  Phrase like “What goes round comes round,” and “they’ll get what coming to them” has entered our vocabulary.   When someone hurts us or commits an injustice against us and isn’t punished, we use the afore-mentioned statements hoping that everything balances out, that the pain we have felt will soon be inflicted on the person that hurt us.  Does it happen?  It would be nice and rather comforting to think that it does, but in all reality it probably doesn’t.  My abuser has never accepted any responsibility for her actions and has failed to grasp the impact and consequences of her violent actions have had on me or our children.  While I hoped that natural karma would happen, so far it hasn’t.  She carried on living her live oblivious to the destruction she’s caused.  For me, I had to let go of wanting such karma to happen and move on with my life.   While I was anxious for my abuser to receive retribution for her crimes against me, the angst it caused me was a way of still allowing her to abuse me.    I guess I don’t believe in any form of Karma either. 

All that matters to me is the here and now and what I make of it.

Support for Male Victims

When I first went for counselling following the marriage break-up I recall telling the counsellor that I wanted to speak out about Domestic Violence affecting males but I also knew that I was too raw at that particular moment.  I have looked around and there is little support/help for male victims.  For years I kept silent because I was fearful of being treated with disbelief.  I wanted to bring awareness to this issue, but didn’t know where to begin.

In the early hours on one morning the idea struck me like a lighting bolt: write a blog.  As I pondered over the concept, inspirations seem to explode in my mind.  I got up and wrote continuously for eight hours.

I then opened a facebook account for Si Victim and emailed organisation who I thought may be able to either support my quest or use my story.  I contacted several Christian news agencies and several Christian men’s groups.  CHRISTIAN TODAY were very encouraging and asked if I could write a summary of my experiences for them.  I also received several emails from people who had experienced similar abuse and had been heartened by my online sharing of my experience.

The Christian Today article can be found here or by following the link on the right-hand side of this page.

http://www.christiantoday.com/article/church.minister.and.domestic.abuse.victim/29491.htm

This gave me renewed purpose.  Support organisations for male victims are still extremely rare.  There are a few online services and I guess that these work well.  For me, a major step was learning that I was not alone in suffering abuse. 

The Men’s Advice Line is a  freephone number 0808 801 0327 - free from landlines and mobile phones. The line is operated between :

Monday - Friday 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm

If the lines are busy or if you are calling outside of those hours, please leave a message with your name and a safe number and they will call you back within two working days. You can also email them on: info@mensadviceline.org.uk

There is also the Mankind Initiative:  http://www.mankind.org.uk/. They, too, operate a telephone helpline:

01823 334244 If you are a man suffering Domestic Abuse or Violence call this number.
Our confidential helpline is manned from Monday to Friday 10am - 4pm and 7pm - 9pm.
Helpline services for the Deaf are provided through Text Relay. Visit www.textrelay.org for details.
Normal BT rates apply

I also set up a Twitter account so please follow me on Twitter  @SiVictim.  Through Twitter, I discovered an online Campaign called Domestic Violence who brought out the first edition of a helpful magazine for all DV victims and survivors called MSM (Mutual Support Magazine).

MSM can be downloaded here:

http://domesticviolenceuk.org/category/mutual-support-magazine/

Any male currently in an abusive relationship may be  making excuses for your partner’s behaviour. Often, that is the first method of coping with the trauma. I can guarantee that at some point, you will run out of excuses. I eventually did but it took many years to arrive there.

I would recommend writing your own journal of your experience. This was the defining moment in my journey. As I reread my account, it finally dawned on me how horrific my situation was. Although I knew it to be true, it read like fiction and I thought that, come the moment when I shared my journal with others, they would not believe it. So I also incorporated photographs taken with a mobile device into the journal. This is a very personal document that eventually I was able to share with some others who were able to understand and support me in my recovery. For me, the most important aspect has been other people’s acceptance of my reality. From there, with help I can and I am moving forward. 

I would advise anyone experiencing DV to write a journal as the first step  and when you feel strong enough, to find someone you can share it with or to talk too.

From Safety Zone to the Unknown

It seems strange to refer to coming out of a Domestic Violence situation as leaving a safety zone, but my whole life was such.  Everything in my life had been determined or influenced by the church authorities.  From the outset of this blog I have chosen to write anonymously but you may read and feel you recognise me.  If so, I ask that you continue to read in a sensitive manner for I am writing about the lives of real people. 

In ‘My Background’, I wrote of how some aspects of my life had been influenced by the church.  This seems an appropriate place to expand on that.   My parents were also church ministers and the church leadership would relocate them to different churches without any prior consultation.

I was born into this nomadic lifestyle where it felt natural to move house every few years. 

I attended nine schools and was often asked whether I thought my education suffered as a result.   Without stability my schooling was bound to suffer.   I attended five primary schools located all over the United Kingdom and, looking through old reports, my grasp of key subjects was a little sporadic.  Some subjects were covered twice or more, and some topics were missed completely.  I was always the new boy in class.  Having a keen interest in sport did help me to integrate into my new classes but I was always aware that at some point in the future, I would be moving away.

In five years of secondary education, I attended four schools.  Perhaps the most important occurrence was moving to another town during my third year (or Year Nine).  This is the year when a student decides what subjects they wish to study at qualification level.  By the time I changed school, all options had been decided by existing pupils. It meant that rather than study the subjects I excelled in or had a strong interest in, I ended up taking the subjects that no one else really wanted but I helped the school meet the quota of students to justify that particular course. 

The long-term impact of this was that the results I achieved fell short of my true ability.  At the age of sixteen I should have been considering further education and the possibility of university.  However, after nine school changes already,  even more changes were the last thing I  needed and so I didn’t fulfil my education potential.  I was even working for the church on days that I was supposed to studying for examinations.

My first job upon leaving school was working for the church, but it was through a church contact that I was able to commence working in some of the top Finance Houses.  This opened my eyes a little to the sheltered world in which I had been raised.  The church still bore a strong influence on me during this period of my life.  It was during these years that I left the security of my parents’ home.  I always used to joke that I never left home, home left me!  My parents were moved on by the church and I had no desire to go with them.  If I did, it would mean leaving friends and a job behind.

My parents arranged for me to rent a flat so that I could stay where I was.  Guess who my landlords were?   Yes, that’s right; the Church.

With such a background it seems inevitable that I would become a church minister.  The church had strong guidelines as to courtship and marriage.   I have already written about how the church determined who one should marry. 

Becoming a Church Minister provided a Safety Zone.  I had a rent-free house to live in with my only responsibility being for the utility bills. The Church took care of Council Tax and property repair payments. I drove a lease company car provided by the church.  I was responsible for my personal mileage but any travelling on church business was reimbursed by the church.  I know of many a church minister who claimed expenses for every car journey they undertook – strange how the provided car was never utilized for personal usage!  All aspects of car maintenance and insurance were arranged by the church and the lease company.

When I offered my resignation as a church minister, I had attended nine schools, lived in twenty-seven houses and led nine different churches.  Life outside of the safety zone of the church was unknown.  Nevertheless it was to the Unknown that I was effectively being throw into.

Forgiveness

After blogging about the effect of the church on my life, it seems to follow that the next subject should be forgiveness.  Love and forgiveness tend to be the two major themes Christians will preach .  As a minister I would often challenge my congregations by stating that sometime the church is actually the most unforgiving environment.  I grew up with historic stories about people who had committed all sorts of crimes, been forgiven and achieved some form of greatness.  However, within the church those who had let the church down in some way were banished.  Forgiveness certainly seemed to be in short supply among the majority of Christians.  Very few know the reasons why I left the church, but most have abandoned own friendship.  I can only suppose that this is because I committed the greatest sin of all: leaving their church.

It poses the question, ‘Why are so many Christians unforgiving?’  I have reflected on this and in my opinion it is because so many are cradle Christians, e.g. Brought up as regular church goers.  This means that they have lived their lives in a good or even godly fashion as decreed by their church.  This also means that they believe that their actions are always right or righteous and while they may admit to making mistakes they certainly don’t do anything wrong or sinful to use the language of the church.   Having lived such moral lives, these people have no need of personal forgiveness.  They will talk about forgiveness but have no concept on how to forgive others.  In fact, they will often bear a grudge against the so-called sinner. 

I, like many other ministers, was asked whether I could forgive a hardened criminal.  My stock answer would always be ‘it depends on whether they want to be forgiven.’  To forgive someone is all about your own response and feelings to them, as far as the other person is concern it makes no real difference to them.  It is about my attitude towards them of which they may be totally oblivious to.

I was once asked if I could forgive Sandra for all she did to me. I have to move on with my life and waiting for her to ask for forgiveness would only hold me back.  I won’t forgive Sandra but I feel it doesn’t matter anymore whether I do or don’t forgive.  Forgiveness would only matter if there was reconciliation or continuance in the relationship.

 I am completely devoid of any emotion.  Even today, Sandra has never offered any form of apology nor accepted any responsibility for her actions. I can’t forgive and will never forgive.  For me forgiveness is unimportant now.  For years I made excuses and I guess because I stayed, I forgave her.  It served no purpose. It never improved the situation. The only thing I want is some form of admission of the abuse that took place. 

 

Church

Church had been a huge part of my life.  I could not recall a time in my life when I had no association with the church.  I had been an adult member since the age of fourteen. The majority of my friends were connected to the church.  Senior churchmen had decided that I was no longer worthy of membership.  I knew of people that had been imprisoned and behaved immorally and still stayed members of the church.    All my life I had listened too sermons on the themes of compassion and forgiveness but these were virtues not to be found in many so-called Christians.

The only people who were told officially about my membership cancelation were the elders of the last church I ran.  Otherwise, it was left to me whether I divulged that information or not to others.

This meant that I could not attend services at any church in the same diocese because members of the congregation knew me and would want to know my story.  If I went and attended elsewhere, I would be invited to participate in the service.  This would then mean that I would have to explain that I no longer belonged to the church. 

I was soon informed of certain rumours that were circulating over my resignation.  Many within the diocese couldn’t understand why a minister of my calibre would quit without explanation.  Some were saying that the church I led had treated me abysmally and this was why I had left.  Readers of this blog will know that such gossip could not be further than the truth.  However, I hardly wanted the reasons I left to be known by all and sundry.   The last church I led was full of good, caring people (which sadly is a rarity in the church) and I didn’t want their good name tarnished over silly rumour. 

I felt the only way to stop this chitchat was to attend services although I wasn’t really emotionally ready to go back so soon.  I deliberately entered the church just as the service commenced finding a seat as close to the door as possible.  I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I found a place to sit.  That initial visit was very surreal as the last time I was in that church I had been conducting the Easter Sunday service from the pulpit.  It was like an out of body experience.  I was there physically but absence in every other sense.  I stayed in the church for most of the service but intentionally left as the benediction was being sung.   I couldn’t face speaking to anyone; I knew that it would be too much for me. 

I wanted to go to church but attending any church in my own denomination was too painful.  I was hesitating about trying another church because a visitor was easily recognised due the small sized congregations.  The last thing I needed was an over exuberant welcome and questions about my background.  I knew that such interest would be good natured and with the purpose of trying to attract a new church member by being friendly.    The last thing I wanted to do was to explain who I was because once I revealed I’d been a church minister, I could imagine that I’d be encouraged to volunteer for all sorts of activities.   I’d heard of a church that had over thousand people attend its services and this sound the sort of place where I could go to worship, but also hide in a crowd at the same time.

I attended periodically for a while but gradually the novelty wore off.  I still felt deeply hurt by the actions of some so-called Christians and the little faith that remained weakened.  Members of the last church I was the minister at, have kept in touch and have been a good source of encouragement.  However in the storms of life you soon learn who your true friends are.  At one time I thought that I had lots of friends within the church, but know I realise that they were nothing more than associates.  Shortly after my resignation I was standing immediately behind one minister in a supermarket queue and they completely ignored me.  Another minister emailed me and arranged to meet me for a chat.  I agreed and we made arrangements. “I understand things can be tough when you leave the church and I want to be a good friend to you,” he told me.  That was the last time he spoke to me and a few months later I went to a church service  he was leading, he walked straight past me blanking me.  So much for friendliness within the church.

Child Maintenance

As soon as it became obvious I was not returning to the marital home, I entered into a private maintenance arrangement with Sandra.  This included a monthly monetary payment, arrangement to pay insurance policy premiums for the children.  As Sandra still didn’t drive (although she was suppose to be taking her driving test twenty years earlier!), I also promised to transport the children whenever they needed lifts.  As any parent of teenagers will know, this is quite expensive before any other outlay.  Besides, arranging to do this gave me another excuse to see and spend time with my children.  Sandra seemed happy with this arrangement and I never defaulted on any payments.  When I left the church ministry, there was a three month period when I was not working and nor did I claim any form of benefit.  However, with no income coming in I still ensured that I met this payment.

When I was a Church Minister Sandra knew what I was earning so did not have any issue with our private maintenance agreement.  Without any prior discussion when Sandra learnt that I had been offered two jobs, she contacted the Child Support Agency(CSA).

It’s difficult as a man to be complimentary about the CSA.  The first I knew about Sandra contacting them was when I received a strongly worded letter implying that I had failed my legal duty in not contributing anything towards Child Maintenance.  The letter also issued an extremely short deadline for me to respond or otherwise face legal consequences.  It was upsetting to receive such a letter as I had been very compliant as far as arrangements to the children were concerned. 

I immediately telephoned the CSA and their telephone manner was completely different to their aggressive letters campaign.  The case worker was very sympathising and talked me through the information they needed to make an assessment.  She explained that if we had a private Maintenance Agreement that we both agreed on  then the assessment would only serve as a guideline.  She also told me that the assessment would also take into consideration the number of occasions that the children stayed overnight at my home.  After talking to the CSA by telephone, I felt more comfortable about the situation.

The next time I collected the children, I attempted to speak to Sandra about the CSA and expressed my unhappiness that she had gone directly to them.  It wasn’t as if I was a father neglecting his responsibilities.  That weekend I drew up a new private arrangement offering Sandra an increased cash allowance, commitment to continue the transportation and insurance policies of the children.  I also offered an additional arrangement whereby I would make arrangements to look after the children so that Sandra could attend the many residential courses that the church expected her to attend.   Sandra initially agreed to this but reneged on this understanding when I produced a written copy and I asked her to sign it.  She tore up the revised private maintenance plan.

As requested, I submitted all the information required to the CSA.  They made their assessment and submitted their report to both Sandra and I.   I felt even more victimised when I looked at the CSA figures.  The compliant non -residential parent is hit hard.  The deduction the CSA makes allowing for overnight stays amounted to a measly 50p per child per night.  Absolutely scandalous!  I wish I could look after them on that amount. 

Sandra saw one big lump sum and decided that she wanted the suggested amount of money.  I did try to reason and told her that I would pay the suggested amount but then I wouldn’t be able to afford all the add-ons on top of that.   Rather than pay a monthly amount into Sandra’s bank account, Sandra now decided that she would collect child maintenance through the CSA.  Again, this angered me.  It wasn’t as if I had refused to contribute to the children’s upkeep.  I was prepared to keep things civil and continue paying in the fashion that I had paid Sandra thus far.  

I informed Sandra that by her choosing the non-negotiation route would make the situation awkward for everyone but Sandra had no intention in listening.

The next time I went to collect the children, Sandra came to the door and started speaking in a pleasant manner.  By now I had learnt that the only time Sandra would face me when I picked-up the children would be when she wanted a favour.  Usually when I called, she would stay out of sight and away from the front entrance of the house.

“Hi”, she said, “I have a course to go on which lasts a week and I wondered whether you can have the children so that I can go on it. After all, you did say that you would have the children so I can do this.”   The cheek of the woman, she was being rather selective over what had been said.  I remind Sandra that I had proposed such an arrangement which she’d refused preferring to receive 30 pieces of silver from the CSA.   Furthermore, knowing Sandra to be the compulsive liar she is, I knew that I was now an easy excuse for her to use with her employers.  I could hear her saying, “He said he’d have the children, but cancelled at last minute.” Still, nothing I can do about that.  Hopefully others will see through her lies.

The Child Support Agency has a grossly unfair method of making maintenance calculations.  Absent parents are victimised for living apart from their children.  As you may know from this blog, I had no choice.  The only absent parents that benefit from the CSA are those who are unemployed as the CSA will then make a ‘Nil’ assessment.    

 

Lone Working

I was offered two jobs, although both were not full time contracts.  Both were working with Charities involved in the care sector.  One was agency work and I was told that there were plenty of shifts available with opportunity of a full time contract.  The other was a supplementary job working on a zero hour basis.  Both roles involved an element of lone working.

As a church minister, lone working was nothing new to me.  However, being trained to keep and stay safe while lone working was a new concept.  The church had a lone working policy that applied to employees, but ministers did not fall under that category.  No church legally considers their ministers as employees.  Such any minister take any sort of action against the church as their employer, the case is always thrown out of court.  Currently, no courtroom will overturn the church’s stance that the minister’s contract is with God, not the church as the minister entered into a spiritual covenant rather than an employment contract.

Many Church ministers get called upon to enter dangerous situations with very few people knowing where they are.  No risk assessments are ever carried out concerning the well-being and safety of a minister.  In recent years several vicars have been murdered by people they were trying to help.  Around 12% of all clergy have suffered some form of harassment or suffering.  I’d never even thought about my own safety as a church minister.  I’d entered squats and other dangerous places alone.  I’d had to deal with people who were very clearly disturbed unaware whether they posed a risk.    Putting your trust in God alone sometimes isn’t enough.

I only realised the importance of feeling safe when lone working when instructed by the two charities that employed me.  Both gave me alarms and instructions to follow your gut instinct.  Both had policies that mean that all work spaces including clients homes were risked assessed.   One charity also gave me a works mobile phone and every appointment was clearly logged.  If there were any last minute changes, I had to notify the control office immediate.  There were also certain times of the day where I had to make contact.  Failure to respond could mean that my own personal safety plan was put into operation. Knowing that the organisation was looking out for my welfare certainly helped my own sense of well-being.  I felt I was working for an organisation that actually valued me as a person. 

Job Hunting

It had been over twenty five years since I last looked for an alternative job.  Preparing my CV took several days.  What skills do I enter on it?  Would seventeen years as a church minister mean anything to prospective employers?  Technology had changed the search.  An abundance of websites all making claims that they had the right job for you.  I’d not really had to look for work before; it seemed to find me so this was a completely new experience.  I’d actually started my first job before I officially left school, working on days that I was suppose to be studying for my O levels and just taking off the days when I sat my examinations.  I can’t even recall being interviewed for this job.  It was a typical school leaver’s role that my Father had arranged for me.   I just turned up one day and started as a junior office boy.  It suited a purpose but offered no long term prospect.  After twelve months I began looking for employment with better career prospects.  Someone who attended the same church as me, knew I was looking and so recommended me to his management.  His company interviewed me and offered me a new job.  I knew that I didn’t really sell myself well at interview. It was only because my new company preferred taking on people that came recommended by valued staff that I embarked on a new career.  I did change jobs after this but stayed in the same industry.  Again, I didn’t really look for work but was headhunted by people who knew my reputation or had previously managed me.

When I felt it was time to leave this industry and enter church ministry, there was a different selection process.  Not everyone who expresses an interest in church ministry gets chosen. Someone wanting to become a church minister first had to be an active member of their own church.  The church elders then had to give their backing and vouch for the suitability of the applicant.  The applicant would then be interviewed by the Diocese before attending an appraisal weekend which would determine whether or not the applicant would be invited to complete a residential course at the Ministers Training College. 

It took me a while to break down all that I did as a Church minister and write it in a style that would be understood.  Most job adverts stated that if you hadn’t heard back from them within a certain timescale then on that occasion your application was unsuccessful. It can be soul destroying sending off application after application and not receiving any feedback back.  Just the slightest news would offer a snippet of encouragement.  With so many people job hunting, prospective employers probably haven’t the recruitment budget to respond to everyone. 

There were also unscrupulous people seeking to take advantaged of the unemployed.  One scam I came across was that I received an email stating that on this occasion my application was unsuccessful, but the agency could train me up so that I had the necessary qualification.  Even better news was that they would pay me for the days I studied.    All I had to do was email them my bank details!  Strangely enough, the only way to find them on the internet was via a link that they sent to you.  No internet search would direct you to the same site.  It sickened me that these vultures were preying on people desperate for work and robbing those who failed to recognise yet another internet scam.

 I just wanted to work so applied for all roles I thought that I could.  Within a month I had been offered several interviews with different care providers.

Resignation

I came out of the consultation with senior churchmen feeling that the only option available to me was resignation.  The interview techniques used implied to me that this was the best course of action.  They were very subtle though.  When I first mentioned resignation, the immediate response was “you’ll lose your car if you resign.” This struck me as a very peculiar answer.  True, as part of the salary package I‘d lose the leased company vehicle, but it would also mean that I would have to find somewhere else to live.  I thought that when speculating on resigning, the last thing that was on my mind was the perk of a company car!  I had far more important things to consider.  

Most of the country was caught up in Royal wedding celebrations but partying was the last thing on my mind.  I was in a rather morose state.  I drafted out a resignation letter. I had sought the advice of some people who thought I was being rather hasty.  I went for a long lengthy walk in the countryside listening to music through my ipod.  Some people might have decided that they would front the situation out but I felt totally ashamed of the behaviour I had been confronted with. After I finished walking, I posted my letter of resignation to the church administrators.

I decided to accept responsibility for my actions and face the consequences.  It still pains me today that what I did was a mistaken way of trying to save my marriage but ended up costing me everything.  While I have admitted my shortcomings, Sandra has never acknowledged her role in my destruction or accepted any accountability for her behaviour even when challenged.  Despite being the perpetrator of long term Domestic Violence, Sandra still remains a church minister.

After resigning, the church arranged for the leased car to be collected.  They paid for a transporter to collect it off my driveway and deliver it a store area in London.  Within a many of weeks, they then reassigned the leased car I had driven, to another church minister.  By this time, I had also left the manse.  Bizarrely, the leased car was then transported back from London as the church minster they’d reassigned the car to, was now residing in the manse that I had occupied.  They could not have been that concerned about the way they used church funds.  I have been made to feel that I was the world’s biggest criminal in my misappropriation of church funds.  I had also paid back every penny (and more) that I had taken without consent.  None of my previous exemplary conduct was taken into account.  I had no help with relocation.  I was even notified that my membership of the church had been cancelled.  I had been a life-long member.  I had made great sacrifices all my life for the church and now a church preaching forgiveness and restoration was casting me out without any compassion.

Integrity

Just as I was finally becoming stable in all areas of my life, my past caught up with me and everything came crashing down once again.  In attempting to keep Sandra happy during the last years of the marriage, I’d over claimed on my expenses from the church and used the additional money to fund family trips and holidays.  Had I been in the right frame of mind at that time I would never have even contemplated such action. I was summoned to the diocese offices and asked about a couple of cheques I had written a few years beforehand.  I was completely dumbstruck when confronted with the evidence.  I had blocked out my behaviour and could not offer any reasonable explanation.  The bishop advised me that whatever the outcome ‘the Integrity of the Church will not be compromised.’ 

This was a phrase I’d heard ten years previously from a former Bishop who used it on that occasion when an investigation into church activities was taking place.  I suspect that it is a line given to Bishops to pass on in disciplinary scenarios.  On both instances when I heard it, I interpreted it as a thinly-veiled threat that if I was guilty in any way or shape or form I was on my own.

On the first occasion, I was involved in an investigation against a volunteer worker within the church.  When arrested, the volunteer made counter accusations which were quickly disregarded as being without any substance.  This was a deeply harrowing time.  Many people were affected by the allegations and I could not explain what was happening for fear of compromising the investigation.   When I tried to speak to Sandra in the privacy of our home about the situation, she did not want to know and so I had to carry this great burden alone.  Once the church was satisfied that they had not been implicated as an organisation, they withdrew all forms of support.  No one ever spoke to me afterwards about the impact this distressing case had on me.  I am convinced though that had I been involved, I would have been completely ostracised. 

However the second time I was informed about the integrity of the church being protected, I was guilty.  I admitted that I had used church funds without permission and while questions were being asked of my conduct, I was also told that I would be given some time off work.  However as this was the week leading up to Easter, the decision was delayed until afterwards so that the church leadership did not have to find a replacement to cover my services.

I approached the Easter Sunday service knowing full well that it could be the last church service I conducted.  The Christian message of Easter concerns forgiveness and I recall making some mention of forgiveness during the service.   During the week that followed, I was interviewed and questioned about the events of a few years before by a senior churchman.  This man wasn’t even at my Easter Sunday Service and yet in his interrogation of me actually referred to me speaking about forgiveness. I was absolutely shocked, talk about Big Brother watching you.   Moreover, I was horrified about my past deeds and decided I only had one course of action and that was to resign as a church minister.

 

Release

One word characterised this new chapter of my church ministry: Release.  Quite ironic really because it also represented a message I’d often portrayed when speaking to different groups. While I was training to become a minister, a friend of mine had come across a magic dealer selling all sorts of props and gimmicks.  He purchased a handcuff escape routine and I believe I was the first person to witness it.  The impact of the illusion captivated me so much that I had to be taken to the same shop. 

During the years that followed I expanded my repertoire and found that the use of conjuring tricks opened doors.  I was able to visit all sorts of establishments and would always finish my set with an escapology routine and then expound a short talk on how faith can release a person from all sorts of problems that could bind one mentally, emotionally and/or spiritually.

I had been released of Sandra’s insecurity or dare I say it, jealousy over my own talents.  I no longer needed to suppress my ability and slowly I was able to have my confidence restored. 

I had a great team of church elders working alongside me and we had a fantastic working relationship.  I don’t know what their thoughts were when they first learnt that I was going to be leading their church.  I imagine that they might be concerned for the workload I would be taking on.  I could envisage that they might be worried that I was carrying too much baggage to be an effective leader of their church.  For me, communication was essential.  I met with my leadership and was absolutely amazed that their first concern was over my well-being. 

Tragically, many church ministers resigned because of friction between themselves and their church elders.  Meetings between the two could be fraught as some church elders took these meetings as an opportunity to tell the minister where they were going wrong.  Church ministers often would approach these meetings as a means to justify some dictatorial decision.  Knowing the egos of some church leaders, I could sympathise with some elders.  For myself, experience had taught me that consultation with elders was always the wisest approach.

The church elders did express their concerns to me, but it was apprehension that I was doing too much and they were fearful that I would exhaust myself.  I was overwhelmed that here was a group of people who actually cared.  Most church ministers are criticised for doing too little.  For the first time in my career I was even told that if I needed a weekend off at any time, just let them know and they would sort everything out.  It was a pleasure to work alongside these lovely people who I now count as close friends.

I’d shared with the church elders why my marriage had broken down as I felt that I was accountable to them.  Members of the congregation knew nothing other than I was separated and as far as I know, no-one was gossiping or trying to pry into my circumstances.  Again, this was a rare experience with the Church.  Many church attendees love a juicy snippet of tittle-tattle.  This church was unique in that everyone attached to it really cared. They weren’t concerned with rumour, but were focussed on the mission of the church.

This was the happiest and most fulfilling time of my ministry and I felt released and able to be myself for once. 

A Twist of Fate

The decision to relocate me a good distance away from my children had solely come from one person, the denomination’s national leader.  My immediate leaders had all recommended that I stay in the diocese.  I had also provided a statement not only outlining my reasons for wishing to remain but also vowing that I would not cause any embarrassing or confrontational moments at any church event when both Sandra and I could be present.  Without showing any Christian compassion, concern or pastoral care, I was to be cast out of the district just like the scapegoat thrown out into the wilderness.    The only way I could overturn the National Church leader’s decision was to appeal to his line managers and so, with the full support of my bishop, I spent all of the Easter holidays working on my petition. My bishop had offered to advise my on the correct protocol to use.  Just before I was about to submit my request, my bishop contacted me to recommend that I delay my submission for a couple of days because he had heard some rumours relating to my impending appointment. 

Without my knowledge, some former parishioners of mine had formally raised a petition asking for me to stay in the diocese.  I was extremely stirred by their action.  The result was that the National leader who was not known for changing his mind, revoked his earlier decision and gave me a church within the same diocese.   At first I was particularly overjoyed  at being allowed to continue my vocation and stay within the diocese and more importantly, close by to my children.  However, as the euphoria wore off, I felt insulted for the church that I was appointed to had never had their own church minister and was usually one that was used to train inexperienced church ministers or those considering the ministry.  It was not used to having a minister of my experience.  It was as if the leader of the denomination was sending out a message saying you would have been better off leaving the diocese! 

Does God moves in a mysterious way as often quoted?  Some might say so with what happened next.  I prefer to say that fate suddenly intervened.  Sadly within the diocese, another church minister’s marriage broke down.  One might you think that marriages within the church never lasted.  This was extremely rare .  In nearly eighteen years, I had never known personally of any marital separations among my peers although occasionally I might hear of ministers facing matrimony difficulties.  Within a matter of months  my diocese suddenly had two break-ups within it.  

More importantly for me, it meant that there was another church within the diocese needing a minister and that church took priority over the one I had been assigned to.

As I took up the church leadership, I finally felt that I could finally be the minister I was meant to be when I first embarked on my vocation all those years ago.  The years with Sandra had destroyed my confidence, but I didn’t need to worry about her reactions now.   My new parishioners were very encouraging and supportive.  They seemed to appreciate my honesty and my work ethic.  I never tried selling a ‘pie in the sky when you die’ spiritually but spoke from my own personal experience with sincerity.   At long last I felt fulfilled in my calling and I didn’t need to hide behind a mask.