Karma

At a recent family gathering, I was asked what my views were concerning Karma.  It seemed a little strange as an opening gambit from a relative who I only tend to see at family occasions.  However, I’ve often posted about my spiritual journey which has taken me from being a Christian church minister  to flirting with Atheism.  So I guess, it wasn’t  that strange a question after all.  I had certainly been reflecting on my own beliefs and the origins of personal belief.  My initial response was to say that “it’s probably easier to say what I don’t believe, rather than what I do believe.”

I don’t believe in the concepts of eternal/everlasting or indeed previous lives now.  The only thing we know with any certainty is that we are living this life now.  There is no factual evidence for anything before or after.  I know that some people claim to have had near-death experiences that equate to their own particular belief of what happens next, and there are those who under a form of hypnosis called past-life regression.   My own take on these ‘experiences’ is that the person’s own belief system has already influenced that person’s mind, so your sub conscious tells you what you want to hear. 

Similarly, well-meaning Christians have tried to convince me of the errors of my ways in turning my back on their faith by employing  Pascal’s Wager.  Pascal's Wager is an argument in philosophy which was devised by the seventeenth-century French philosopher, mathematician, and physicist Blaise Pascal (1623–1662). It posits that humans all bet with their lives either that God exists or not. Given the possibility that God actually does exist and assuming an infinite gain or loss associated with belief or unbelief in said God (as represented by an eternity in heaven or hell), a rational person should live as though God exists and seek to believe in God. If God does not actually exist, such a person will have only a finite loss.  In other words, you have nothing to infinite loss, but everything to gain by believing in a God.  If the Judeo-Christian God doesn’t exist, you lose nothing.  It’s a hedge your bets argument.  Strange when most Christians/church teaching is opposed to Gambling, they ask you to ‘bet on the existence of god.’

As for Karma I can’t hold the view that my existence in a previous life, affects my current position now.  I have made conscious decisions and then had to live with the consequences of those decisions, many positive and some negative.  Nothing from an unknown past has influenced those decisions. 

However, there is a different type of Karma that we all often refer too.  Phrase like “What goes round comes round,” and “they’ll get what coming to them” has entered our vocabulary.   When someone hurts us or commits an injustice against us and isn’t punished, we use the afore-mentioned statements hoping that everything balances out, that the pain we have felt will soon be inflicted on the person that hurt us.  Does it happen?  It would be nice and rather comforting to think that it does, but in all reality it probably doesn’t.  My abuser has never accepted any responsibility for her actions and has failed to grasp the impact and consequences of her violent actions have had on me or our children.  While I hoped that natural karma would happen, so far it hasn’t.  She carried on living her live oblivious to the destruction she’s caused.  For me, I had to let go of wanting such karma to happen and move on with my life.   While I was anxious for my abuser to receive retribution for her crimes against me, the angst it caused me was a way of still allowing her to abuse me.    I guess I don’t believe in any form of Karma either. 

All that matters to me is the here and now and what I make of it.

Learnt Behaviours

In my previous blog on ‘Attitudes’, I highlighted the need for positive role models of BOTH genders in support services.  This blog on ‘Learnt Behaviours’ naturally follows on because people do tend to mirror the behaviour of those around them, but the issues I want to explore go deeper.

One of the factors that kept me remaining in my abusive marriage was my personal fears about the impact my leaving would have upon my children.  I felt I could protect my children from the abuse if I was present.  My ex-wife was never physically abusive towards the children although they witnessed several of her assaults on me.  Although she would still not recognise it, she was emotionally, psychological and verbally abusive towards the children.   I would try and minimise the effect by telling the children that ‘their mother wasn’t well – only she didn’t realise how ill she was – and we all had to try and stay calm to help her.’

A huge turning point on my recovery journey was when the youngest child threw dinner all over me.  This was something that my ex-wife had done a few days earlier and I realised that I wasn’t really protecting the children if they were seeing such attacks and coping them because they were beginning to see them as ‘normal’ family behaviours.

I have spent considerable time reflecting and trying to work out why my abusive ex-wife behaved towards me in the fashion she did.

I have to confess that I knew very little about her childhood and, in the years we spent together, she didn’t talk or wasn’t prepared to talk about it.  From what little I knew, I assumed it had been a difficult time so didn’t probe too much.  Her mother and father had met quite late in life and her father had died while she was in primary school education.  She had been raised by an elderly mother which couldn’t have been easy.  Her mother died just before we got married.  I did meet my mother-in-law but didn’t see in her any of the behavioural traits that would lead to me being domestically abused.  However, my knowledge of my ex-wives’ family was restricted to holiday visits as all her family lived on one of the offshore islands of the UK. 

The only time I was able to see a brief snapshot inside her childhood was when I received an email from someone that had gone to school with my ex-wife and wanted to make contact.  This person knew that she was a church minister and had sought to contact her through the church.   In the email, this old school colleague apologised for her treatment and the group bullying that took place towards my ex-wife.  She said that she’d experienced a traumatic life since school but had subsequently become a Christian and wanted to put things right.   I passed the email onto my ex-wife, but she didn’t want to know, screwing the paper that I'd printed the email on , up and throwing it away.  I suggested to my ex-wife that just out of common courtesy she should reply, but she just wouldn’t entertain the notion.   It was as if any sort of childhood experience/memory was a closed book and she wanted to keep it that way. 

I am convinced that some trauma(s) occurred to make her behave in the manner in which she did.  I can only speculate to the nature as she always refused to talk: was her own father abusive towards her mother?  Was her mother abusive towards her?  The email certainly suggested that she was seriously bullied at school?  

Is this my problem now that we are divorced?  Blocking out the childhood trauma (whatever it may be) may be her coping strategy, but the learnt behaviour from it led to an abusive marriage and emotional and psychological damage to our children.  Continued failure to deal with the past  will eventually affect any new relationship she may enter into and continues to impact the relationship she has with her own children.

The worrying thing for me now is that occasionally I see the children behaving in a manner reminiscent of their mother.  How do I handle this and break the possible cycle of abuse?  My children won’t enter into conversation about this and refuse to accept me comparing their episodic conduct with that of their mothers.  “I’m not like her!” “Don’t compare me to her!

While the dynamics in a parental relationship is different and the fall-out may get attributed to common teenage stroppiness etc., it does concern me that these examples of learnt behaviour could be destructive when transferred over into the intimate adult relationships that my children will form one day.  As a responsible and caring father, how can I change this?  I have spoken openly and honestly with my children about what happened but this doesn’t seem to be enough when I observe the same behavioural traits in my children that I witnessed in their mother.  How can I repair the damage that has already been done so that history doesn't repeat itself?  I wish  I knew.

Attitudes

When I started blogging, I wanted to try and change the mistaken perceptions that exists surrounding male victims of Domestic Violence.  If by telling my story, I was able to help others or even encourage other men to speak out about the abuse they’d experienced then it would be mission accomplished.

I’ve come into contact with all sorts of people.  While I am raising awareness in particular about how Domestic Violence affects men, I strongly state that all forms of abuse are wrong irrespectively of gender.  It has been good to encounter others with the same message.  However, it is deeply disturbing also to come across those who categorically deny that men can suffer at the hands of their partner.  ‘It’s just not possible you can’t be a victim,’ they shout, ‘any abuse you’ve had you must have brought upon yourself.  It has to be retaliation because you’re the real perpetrator!’

Very soon after I started to tell of my abuse, a friend did say to me, “I hope you do realise that not ALL women behave like that.”  I’m glad to say that I knew that and that I have found a new partner who is nothing like my ex-wife.  She is  very loving and considerate and is everything that one  expects a good, healthy relationship to be.

But it set me thinking about the support services given to women.   Are abused women told when sharing their story, “Not all men are like that” ?  I think I know the answer and I suspect not.  When I worked in the care industry, clients were asked their preference of the gender of support worker.   Several would say they had issues with men and would prefer a female support worker.  It is also true that the majority of support workers are female, so often there is little choice.  Women will have a female support worker, but the likelihood is that men would too.  Sadly, it does seem that through support services to women, misandry is inadvertently encouraged.  

This approach has also meant that often the support service gets highjacked by those with a political agenda wishing to secure more funding for ‘other’ women issues.  So, rather than providing a Gender-netural approach to Domestic abuse, the needs of a male victim are inconsequential and the service is gender-bias.   Organisations/charities offering support services to ‘women and children’ when advertising for staff  often insert the following disclaimer in their adverts:

Female applicants only on the basis that it is an Occupational Requirement as provided for in the Equality Act 2010 (Schedule 9 Work: Exceptions – Part 1 Occupational Requirements).

The real danger is that this encourages Misandry and continues and feeds the myth promoted that all men will treat you appallingly.   I’m aware of a men’s movement that is growing and trying to tackle this.  What I have seen though, is misandrists and misogynists militants resort to personal insults attacks on each other.   Quantified evidence is completely discounted in order to score political points off each other.  This is not healthy for anyone, least of all those who have experienced domestic violence.

The support charity I worked for, although acknowledging the client’s gender preference, took the view that the client received support from whichever member of staff was available regardless of gender.   I would like to think that those who received support from me realised that, despite their past experiences, all men are not the same and that there are some positive male role models out there.  Society needs more men providing such support services to help get this message across. 

The need for positive Male role models within the care industry is something I became aware of during my first role as a Church minister.  Part of my role was to manage an OFSTED registered Nursery that the Church ran.  Prior to me, this particular church had always had female ministers in charge, so the minister was naturally considered part of the staff ratio for the nursery.  When I took over the leadership of the church, it meant that part of my role was making up the staff ratio in the nursery as there wasn’t enough funds in the budget to employ a new female member of staff.   The nursery was located in a run-down inner city area and many of the children who came to the nursery came from dysfunctional families.  One day, when one little boy called me Daddy, it dawned on me that I was perhaps the only positive male role model that these children had in their lives.

We need more positive role models.  A gender-bias approach is wrong on all levels because Domestic Violence affects and impacts everyone.

A fearful silence

Part of an abusers armoury is their employment of emotional blackmail and constant belittling of the victim.  People looking from outside may wonder why one untrue spoken comment causes so much damage.  However it is not the sole innocuous word spoken in haste, but a constant barrage of depreciation wears the target down, who then starts to sink into low personal self-esteem and little confidence which then affects every area of their lives.

Abusers also use their environmental perception to further degrade their victim with comments such as  “No-one will believe you,” or “No one else would want you.”

My abuser would tell me every day in front of our children that she hated me.   This would be without any provocation and not even in the context of those barbed statements that are sometimes thrown in a verbal domestic exchange.   I stopped talking about our work (because part of our work load was shared), because she found fault with everything.  With hindsight, I probably stopped working to the best of my ability because I was just so tired of having to face a bombardment of insults concerning my labours.

Knowing that the slightest thing could trigger a violent assault from her, I completely withdrew into myself.  I put on a charade to hide the truth, but I wasn’t myself.  

I’ve already written that when challenged, my abusive ex-wife would respond with “You’re a Man, you can put up with it.”  She also resorted to emotional blackmail.  On a regular basis I would be told, “If you leave, I will destroy you completely,” and “I’ll take you for every penny”  That wasn’t hard since I didn’t have a penny to my name!

Being church ministers, our house was the property of the church (as was the car I drove).    She told me often that she could leave whenever she wanted because if she took the children, enough agencies would be willing to rehouse a single mother with three children.  She would also tell me that I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go and no-one would provide me with housing .

She was right, she knew it and exploited that fact.  She knew that, as a man, I was unlikely to tell anyone my fate at her hands.  She knew that there was no refuge resources for me. She knew that people would not and could not comprehend the level of abuse that I’d suffered.  She knew that people would assume I may be over-reacting to a simple fall-out. 

Men also remain silent because they know that it will be difficult to convince others that they are a victim of domestic abuse.  Sadly, the perpetrator usually exploits this knowledge to their own advantage increasing the psychological pressure on the victim.

The silence deepened.  I felt I had no choice.  As fear clouded over me, my mental and psychological well-being evaporated.   If you have followed my story, you will know that the point came after 17 long years when I choose not to go back into the abuse.  I escaped.  What happened?  

All the things I feared came true.  I did indeed have nowhere to go.  I ended up sleeping on my elderly parents’ sofa for 6 weeks.  Their bungalow wasn’t big enough to house me indefinitely.  Yes, there were many who though I was over-reacting to a simple fall-out.  Only it was far from simple and eventually the whole truth emerged.  

My fearful silence was over.  I won’t pretend it was easy. In fact, life which had been quite secure was now tough.  However, I’m a different person now.  The journey I’m on as a survivor is hard,  but I have regained my life.  No longer am I just existing from moment to moment, I’m learning to enjoy the moments living free of all fear.

Easter Emotions

Today is Easter Sunday.  Those who do not regularly attend church services sometimes make an exception at either Christmas or Easter.    My recent attendance at church services has been very sporadic.  On Good Friday, my duties as a Rotarian meant that I was on traffic control duties while the Christians of the town held a public silent procession (with someone carrying a symbolic wooden cross at the head).   As they concluded by singing the hymn, ‘When I survey the Wondrous cross,’ on the Market Place, I was emotionally moved. 

www.hucknallrotaryclub.blogspot.co.uk/

I felt the need to attend a church service this morning.   I went to a large city church that I have attended intermittently.  There was excitement in the auditorium beforehand. This is one occasion when the children (who usually have their own ‘church’ event running concurrently) joined in and the Children’s team led the main all-age family service.  The music that accompanies the congregational singing is always of the highest order, again something that can’t always be said of church musical groups.  There was encouraged ‘audience participation’ that was celebratory.  Worshippers were encouraged to enjoy themselves, the Easter Sunday bible story was told with humourous photographs appearing on big screens portraying members of the Youth Church re-enacting the Easter story.  To the worshippers, it would have been a moving experience.

And yet, I couldn’t connect.  I was there, but I was an observer.  Being a Christian and living such a lifestyle was all I knew for the majority of my life.  Every step seems to take me further away from having a faith: academically, emotionally, spiritually as the few prayers I now offer always go unheard and unanswered.  Part of me wants to leave the door open, but the Christianity which was my whole life is becoming extremely closed to me.  

Today, my thought went back to Easter Sunday 2010.  This was the last service I conducted as a minister.  I knew it would be my last.  I was being placed on an immediate ‘leave of absence,’ only the church authorities had delayed the imminence because they didn’t want to manage the logistics of fulfilling an Easter programme at my church.  So, knowing full well that my life’s vocation was ending, I was allowed a stay of execution.   At the Maundy Thursday Passover re-enactment meal and the Good Friday service, I was mournful and emotional.   I guess people assumed it was because of the occasion, not realising that there were deeper emotions within me.  On Sunday, I put on my brave face, and led the church in their joyous Easter celebrations.  No-one knew my inner turmoil. 

Afterwards, people were kind enough to comment that I’d conducted really meaningful Easter services for them and had no idea how I managed it considering the vast personal pressure I must have been under.  Actually, it was probably the long established practise I developed from my marriage of leading a Sunday service and pretending all was well that got me through that last Easter Sunday.

Easter speaks to all because it is a celebration of hope and new life.  On Good Friday everything seemed bleak but a few days made all the difference.  Maybe this message is why so many victims of abuse are drawn to religion because of the hope they see in what appears to be a darken depression.  For the non-religious, Easter is a reminder of the new life and hope of Springtime.  In fact, civilisation rejoiced in this cycle of nature before Christians added their slant on the festivities.

My easter festival is about new life and hope breaking through the darkness but not in the  conventional understanding of Christianity.   Walking away from the church on Easter Sunday 2010, I walked away from the darkness of abuse, I’ve found a new life and by speaking out about the Intimate Partner Violence I suffered from, I’m bringing hope to those who felt trapped in abusive relationships.

Grounds for Divorce

After the separation between Sandra and myself, I looked into the criteria for divorce.  This I guess is something that no-one getting married feels that they will ever face.  However, statistics show that more marriages now end in divorce.  Despite that, I wasn’t conditioned to seek divorce after all the vows I made were ‘till death us do part.’  Glibly I could say that the marriage had died or the death of  love in the relationship had occurred but I knew that was not what the scribes who had penned the legal marriage ceremony had in mind.

What are Grounds for Divorce?

In England and Wales, you can only divorce if you have been married for at least one year.

To divorce in Scotland, you, or your spouse, must have lived in Scotland for the year preceding the divorce, or you must consider Scotland as your principal place of residence.

There is only one basic ground for divorce: the irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. You can prove irretrievable breakdown by establishing one or more of the following 'facts' for divorce:

Fact A. Adultery

You must prove that, either through actual admission or through sufficient circumstantial evidence, your spouse has had sexual intercourse with another person of the opposite sex and that you find it intolerable to live with your spouse. If a sexual liaison short of sexual intercourse has taken place, it's suggested that the unreasonable behaviour ground is used.

In England & Wales, you can name the other person involved as a co-respondent but this isn't essential and can have serious consequences. Doing so can make the divorce proceedings more acrimonious, more complicated and more drawn out. It's, therefore, usually best to avoid naming a co-respondent. If you wish to name the other person in your divorce proceedings, it's best that you take legal advice before doing so. In Scotland, you must name the other person involved.

Adultery can be used as the basis for a divorce petition, whether you and your spouse are still living together or there has been a separation, but, in either case, not more than six months must have elapsed since you became aware of the adultery before the divorce petition is sent to the court.

Fact B. Unreasonable behaviour

You must show that your spouse has behaved in such a way that you cannot reasonably be expected to live with them. Unreasonable behaviour is now the most common fact on which to prove the ground for divorce in England and Wales. In an unreasonable behaviour divorce petition, the 'petitioner' (the person who starts the divorce proceedings) sets out a number of allegations against the 'respondent' (the person who receives the divorce petition).

These allegations might include references to excessive drinking or financial extravagance, for example; but it's worth bearing in mind that the court doesn't insist on really severe allegations of unreasonable behaviour in order to grant a divorce. Relatively mild allegations, such as devoting too much time to a career, having no common interests or pursuing a separate social life may well suffice. Using mild allegations may also make it easier to agree a divorce petition with your spouse in advance.

Fact C. Desertion

Where your spouse deserted you without your consent for a continuous period of at least two years; this fact is almost never used. This ground of divorce has recently been abolished in Scotland.

Fact D. 2-year separation (England & Wales) / 1-year separation (Scotland)

By consent you and your spouse have been living apart for at least two years in England and Wales, or one year in Scotland, immediately preceding the presentation of the petition (or ‘Initial Writ’ in Scotland) and you both agree to a divorce.

Fact E. 5-year separation (England & Wales) / 2-year separation (Scotland)

You and your spouse have been living apart for at least five years in England and Wales, or two years in Scotland, immediately preceding the presentation of the petition (or ‘Initial Writ’ in Scotland). In this instance, your spouse doesn't need to consent to the divorce.

Depression

There have been periods of my life where I have been completely empty, devoid of any purpose or motivation.  I muse over whether my life is worth living.  I want to stay in bed.  I don’t feel like getting out of bed and facing the day.  I can’t be bothered to wash or shave.  I spend time wallowing in self-pity. 

I’m fortunate to have people close to me that recognise the triggers and try and drag me out of my despair.  Once I can focus on an activity, I’m generally journeying out of the darkness.

Men aren’t used to asking for help.  We are the ones that are supposed to remain strong, the ones that hold it all together.  Any visible display of weakness shows us to be less than a man.  At least, that’s the perceived message we receive.

And so it means that hurting men remain silent, not seeking help, refuse to talk or even verbally acknowledging our struggles.

1 in 4 women suffer from depression while the statistics say that 1 in 10 men suffer from depression.  Most experts will acknowledge that depression in men is underreported and undiagnosed.  As men, we aren’t encouraged to talk about the way we feel.  Any suggestion of feeling low and we are likely to receive responses such as ‘Pull yourself together man!’ or ‘Snap out of it.’  Statistics also suggest that 60% of female  Domestic Abuse victims have depression.  There are no statistics available for male victims.

As a man I have bottled up so many emotions and feelings.  I am learning that it’s good to talk.  Part of me wishes I could have unburdened myself earlier.  Maybe I would be in a better place now.

Men don’t tend to visit their Doctor as often as they should.  I fall into this category. The only time that I would visit the Doctor’s Surgery was when I moved house and needed to register with a doctor.  With hindsight, I know that I have been in a depressed state for many years trying to regulate it myself.

Sometimes, we do need help and I’m learning that there is no shame in asking for aid.  It doesn’t come naturally to me.  Finally I went to see my Doctor and spoke with him.  He prescribed me with Antidepressants.  Are they helping? Its early days and I don’t really know but I shall keep taking the tablets.

Caution Disclosure

Every job application form that I’ve seen poses the question, “Have you had a criminal conviction?” I can honestly answer no.  Some expand that question to ask whether you’re had a caution or bind over order.   Any job that required a Criminal Records Bureau (CRB) check will highlight any caution received.

At the time of my job application, I had no convictions or cautions to declare and had received a clean CRB.  CRB checks are renewed after three years and the next one done on me would reveal that I now have a caution. This is a summary of what is means to receive a caution:

A police caution formally known as a simple caution has the following purposes:

1. to deal quickly and simply with less serious offenders;
2. to divert them from unnecessary appearance in the criminal courts; and
3. to reduce the chances of their re-offending.

A police caution is a formal warning given to adults who admit they are guilty of first-time minor offences. A police caution does form a part of a person's criminal record.  A caution may adversely affect both employment and travel prospects A caution may be considered in court in the event of the offender being tried for a similar offence. A caution remains in police records along with photographs, fingerprints and any other samples taken at the time, although cautions (including reprimands and warnings) are covered by the Rehabilitation of Offenders Act 1974 so will become spent immediately Furthermore, simple cautions normally expire after 5 years However, even after cautions expire, any cautions and the associated crimes may continue to be presented in trials involving the cautioned person.

A caution is intended to act as a first official warning and to deter people from getting involved in crime.

I’d received my caution on Thursday evening and was due to work the weekend shift.  I arrived early to speak to my line manager and inform her about my caution.

The news came as a shock.  There had been nothing in my performance or conduct to suggest that I was bad news for my employers. I’d not told the organisation of any of my problems prior to this.  I felt that there was no need.  No one declares their whole life story while being interviewed for a job.  I’d answered all the questions they had asked me.  I hadn’t lied on my application forms.   Working within mental health and the surrounding stigma, I did hope that the organisation would understand the mental pressures I’d been under for years as a Domestic Violence victim, and the poor state of mind I was in when I committed the crime.  I knew that they had employed staff with criminal convictions.  I was completely honest with my line manager, telling her the full details of the caution offence and the circumstances behind it.

After finishing speaking to me, my line manager left the site.  Fifty minutes later as I was preparing to start my shift, I received a telephone call from her summoning me to another location to speak with a senior manager.

From Safety Zone to the Unknown

It seems strange to refer to coming out of a Domestic Violence situation as leaving a safety zone, but my whole life was such.  Everything in my life had been determined or influenced by the church authorities.  From the outset of this blog I have chosen to write anonymously but you may read and feel you recognise me.  If so, I ask that you continue to read in a sensitive manner for I am writing about the lives of real people. 

In ‘My Background’, I wrote of how some aspects of my life had been influenced by the church.  This seems an appropriate place to expand on that.   My parents were also church ministers and the church leadership would relocate them to different churches without any prior consultation.

I was born into this nomadic lifestyle where it felt natural to move house every few years. 

I attended nine schools and was often asked whether I thought my education suffered as a result.   Without stability my schooling was bound to suffer.   I attended five primary schools located all over the United Kingdom and, looking through old reports, my grasp of key subjects was a little sporadic.  Some subjects were covered twice or more, and some topics were missed completely.  I was always the new boy in class.  Having a keen interest in sport did help me to integrate into my new classes but I was always aware that at some point in the future, I would be moving away.

In five years of secondary education, I attended four schools.  Perhaps the most important occurrence was moving to another town during my third year (or Year Nine).  This is the year when a student decides what subjects they wish to study at qualification level.  By the time I changed school, all options had been decided by existing pupils. It meant that rather than study the subjects I excelled in or had a strong interest in, I ended up taking the subjects that no one else really wanted but I helped the school meet the quota of students to justify that particular course. 

The long-term impact of this was that the results I achieved fell short of my true ability.  At the age of sixteen I should have been considering further education and the possibility of university.  However, after nine school changes already,  even more changes were the last thing I  needed and so I didn’t fulfil my education potential.  I was even working for the church on days that I was supposed to studying for examinations.

My first job upon leaving school was working for the church, but it was through a church contact that I was able to commence working in some of the top Finance Houses.  This opened my eyes a little to the sheltered world in which I had been raised.  The church still bore a strong influence on me during this period of my life.  It was during these years that I left the security of my parents’ home.  I always used to joke that I never left home, home left me!  My parents were moved on by the church and I had no desire to go with them.  If I did, it would mean leaving friends and a job behind.

My parents arranged for me to rent a flat so that I could stay where I was.  Guess who my landlords were?   Yes, that’s right; the Church.

With such a background it seems inevitable that I would become a church minister.  The church had strong guidelines as to courtship and marriage.   I have already written about how the church determined who one should marry. 

Becoming a Church Minister provided a Safety Zone.  I had a rent-free house to live in with my only responsibility being for the utility bills. The Church took care of Council Tax and property repair payments. I drove a lease company car provided by the church.  I was responsible for my personal mileage but any travelling on church business was reimbursed by the church.  I know of many a church minister who claimed expenses for every car journey they undertook – strange how the provided car was never utilized for personal usage!  All aspects of car maintenance and insurance were arranged by the church and the lease company.

When I offered my resignation as a church minister, I had attended nine schools, lived in twenty-seven houses and led nine different churches.  Life outside of the safety zone of the church was unknown.  Nevertheless it was to the Unknown that I was effectively being throw into.

Forgiveness

After blogging about the effect of the church on my life, it seems to follow that the next subject should be forgiveness.  Love and forgiveness tend to be the two major themes Christians will preach .  As a minister I would often challenge my congregations by stating that sometime the church is actually the most unforgiving environment.  I grew up with historic stories about people who had committed all sorts of crimes, been forgiven and achieved some form of greatness.  However, within the church those who had let the church down in some way were banished.  Forgiveness certainly seemed to be in short supply among the majority of Christians.  Very few know the reasons why I left the church, but most have abandoned own friendship.  I can only suppose that this is because I committed the greatest sin of all: leaving their church.

It poses the question, ‘Why are so many Christians unforgiving?’  I have reflected on this and in my opinion it is because so many are cradle Christians, e.g. Brought up as regular church goers.  This means that they have lived their lives in a good or even godly fashion as decreed by their church.  This also means that they believe that their actions are always right or righteous and while they may admit to making mistakes they certainly don’t do anything wrong or sinful to use the language of the church.   Having lived such moral lives, these people have no need of personal forgiveness.  They will talk about forgiveness but have no concept on how to forgive others.  In fact, they will often bear a grudge against the so-called sinner. 

I, like many other ministers, was asked whether I could forgive a hardened criminal.  My stock answer would always be ‘it depends on whether they want to be forgiven.’  To forgive someone is all about your own response and feelings to them, as far as the other person is concern it makes no real difference to them.  It is about my attitude towards them of which they may be totally oblivious to.

I was once asked if I could forgive Sandra for all she did to me. I have to move on with my life and waiting for her to ask for forgiveness would only hold me back.  I won’t forgive Sandra but I feel it doesn’t matter anymore whether I do or don’t forgive.  Forgiveness would only matter if there was reconciliation or continuance in the relationship.

 I am completely devoid of any emotion.  Even today, Sandra has never offered any form of apology nor accepted any responsibility for her actions. I can’t forgive and will never forgive.  For me forgiveness is unimportant now.  For years I made excuses and I guess because I stayed, I forgave her.  It served no purpose. It never improved the situation. The only thing I want is some form of admission of the abuse that took place. 

 

Church

Church had been a huge part of my life.  I could not recall a time in my life when I had no association with the church.  I had been an adult member since the age of fourteen. The majority of my friends were connected to the church.  Senior churchmen had decided that I was no longer worthy of membership.  I knew of people that had been imprisoned and behaved immorally and still stayed members of the church.    All my life I had listened too sermons on the themes of compassion and forgiveness but these were virtues not to be found in many so-called Christians.

The only people who were told officially about my membership cancelation were the elders of the last church I ran.  Otherwise, it was left to me whether I divulged that information or not to others.

This meant that I could not attend services at any church in the same diocese because members of the congregation knew me and would want to know my story.  If I went and attended elsewhere, I would be invited to participate in the service.  This would then mean that I would have to explain that I no longer belonged to the church. 

I was soon informed of certain rumours that were circulating over my resignation.  Many within the diocese couldn’t understand why a minister of my calibre would quit without explanation.  Some were saying that the church I led had treated me abysmally and this was why I had left.  Readers of this blog will know that such gossip could not be further than the truth.  However, I hardly wanted the reasons I left to be known by all and sundry.   The last church I led was full of good, caring people (which sadly is a rarity in the church) and I didn’t want their good name tarnished over silly rumour. 

I felt the only way to stop this chitchat was to attend services although I wasn’t really emotionally ready to go back so soon.  I deliberately entered the church just as the service commenced finding a seat as close to the door as possible.  I could feel the tears streaming down my face as I found a place to sit.  That initial visit was very surreal as the last time I was in that church I had been conducting the Easter Sunday service from the pulpit.  It was like an out of body experience.  I was there physically but absence in every other sense.  I stayed in the church for most of the service but intentionally left as the benediction was being sung.   I couldn’t face speaking to anyone; I knew that it would be too much for me. 

I wanted to go to church but attending any church in my own denomination was too painful.  I was hesitating about trying another church because a visitor was easily recognised due the small sized congregations.  The last thing I needed was an over exuberant welcome and questions about my background.  I knew that such interest would be good natured and with the purpose of trying to attract a new church member by being friendly.    The last thing I wanted to do was to explain who I was because once I revealed I’d been a church minister, I could imagine that I’d be encouraged to volunteer for all sorts of activities.   I’d heard of a church that had over thousand people attend its services and this sound the sort of place where I could go to worship, but also hide in a crowd at the same time.

I attended periodically for a while but gradually the novelty wore off.  I still felt deeply hurt by the actions of some so-called Christians and the little faith that remained weakened.  Members of the last church I was the minister at, have kept in touch and have been a good source of encouragement.  However in the storms of life you soon learn who your true friends are.  At one time I thought that I had lots of friends within the church, but know I realise that they were nothing more than associates.  Shortly after my resignation I was standing immediately behind one minister in a supermarket queue and they completely ignored me.  Another minister emailed me and arranged to meet me for a chat.  I agreed and we made arrangements. “I understand things can be tough when you leave the church and I want to be a good friend to you,” he told me.  That was the last time he spoke to me and a few months later I went to a church service  he was leading, he walked straight past me blanking me.  So much for friendliness within the church.

Child Maintenance

As soon as it became obvious I was not returning to the marital home, I entered into a private maintenance arrangement with Sandra.  This included a monthly monetary payment, arrangement to pay insurance policy premiums for the children.  As Sandra still didn’t drive (although she was suppose to be taking her driving test twenty years earlier!), I also promised to transport the children whenever they needed lifts.  As any parent of teenagers will know, this is quite expensive before any other outlay.  Besides, arranging to do this gave me another excuse to see and spend time with my children.  Sandra seemed happy with this arrangement and I never defaulted on any payments.  When I left the church ministry, there was a three month period when I was not working and nor did I claim any form of benefit.  However, with no income coming in I still ensured that I met this payment.

When I was a Church Minister Sandra knew what I was earning so did not have any issue with our private maintenance agreement.  Without any prior discussion when Sandra learnt that I had been offered two jobs, she contacted the Child Support Agency(CSA).

It’s difficult as a man to be complimentary about the CSA.  The first I knew about Sandra contacting them was when I received a strongly worded letter implying that I had failed my legal duty in not contributing anything towards Child Maintenance.  The letter also issued an extremely short deadline for me to respond or otherwise face legal consequences.  It was upsetting to receive such a letter as I had been very compliant as far as arrangements to the children were concerned. 

I immediately telephoned the CSA and their telephone manner was completely different to their aggressive letters campaign.  The case worker was very sympathising and talked me through the information they needed to make an assessment.  She explained that if we had a private Maintenance Agreement that we both agreed on  then the assessment would only serve as a guideline.  She also told me that the assessment would also take into consideration the number of occasions that the children stayed overnight at my home.  After talking to the CSA by telephone, I felt more comfortable about the situation.

The next time I collected the children, I attempted to speak to Sandra about the CSA and expressed my unhappiness that she had gone directly to them.  It wasn’t as if I was a father neglecting his responsibilities.  That weekend I drew up a new private arrangement offering Sandra an increased cash allowance, commitment to continue the transportation and insurance policies of the children.  I also offered an additional arrangement whereby I would make arrangements to look after the children so that Sandra could attend the many residential courses that the church expected her to attend.   Sandra initially agreed to this but reneged on this understanding when I produced a written copy and I asked her to sign it.  She tore up the revised private maintenance plan.

As requested, I submitted all the information required to the CSA.  They made their assessment and submitted their report to both Sandra and I.   I felt even more victimised when I looked at the CSA figures.  The compliant non -residential parent is hit hard.  The deduction the CSA makes allowing for overnight stays amounted to a measly 50p per child per night.  Absolutely scandalous!  I wish I could look after them on that amount. 

Sandra saw one big lump sum and decided that she wanted the suggested amount of money.  I did try to reason and told her that I would pay the suggested amount but then I wouldn’t be able to afford all the add-ons on top of that.   Rather than pay a monthly amount into Sandra’s bank account, Sandra now decided that she would collect child maintenance through the CSA.  Again, this angered me.  It wasn’t as if I had refused to contribute to the children’s upkeep.  I was prepared to keep things civil and continue paying in the fashion that I had paid Sandra thus far.  

I informed Sandra that by her choosing the non-negotiation route would make the situation awkward for everyone but Sandra had no intention in listening.

The next time I went to collect the children, Sandra came to the door and started speaking in a pleasant manner.  By now I had learnt that the only time Sandra would face me when I picked-up the children would be when she wanted a favour.  Usually when I called, she would stay out of sight and away from the front entrance of the house.

“Hi”, she said, “I have a course to go on which lasts a week and I wondered whether you can have the children so that I can go on it. After all, you did say that you would have the children so I can do this.”   The cheek of the woman, she was being rather selective over what had been said.  I remind Sandra that I had proposed such an arrangement which she’d refused preferring to receive 30 pieces of silver from the CSA.   Furthermore, knowing Sandra to be the compulsive liar she is, I knew that I was now an easy excuse for her to use with her employers.  I could hear her saying, “He said he’d have the children, but cancelled at last minute.” Still, nothing I can do about that.  Hopefully others will see through her lies.

The Child Support Agency has a grossly unfair method of making maintenance calculations.  Absent parents are victimised for living apart from their children.  As you may know from this blog, I had no choice.  The only absent parents that benefit from the CSA are those who are unemployed as the CSA will then make a ‘Nil’ assessment.    

 

Lone Working

I was offered two jobs, although both were not full time contracts.  Both were working with Charities involved in the care sector.  One was agency work and I was told that there were plenty of shifts available with opportunity of a full time contract.  The other was a supplementary job working on a zero hour basis.  Both roles involved an element of lone working.

As a church minister, lone working was nothing new to me.  However, being trained to keep and stay safe while lone working was a new concept.  The church had a lone working policy that applied to employees, but ministers did not fall under that category.  No church legally considers their ministers as employees.  Such any minister take any sort of action against the church as their employer, the case is always thrown out of court.  Currently, no courtroom will overturn the church’s stance that the minister’s contract is with God, not the church as the minister entered into a spiritual covenant rather than an employment contract.

Many Church ministers get called upon to enter dangerous situations with very few people knowing where they are.  No risk assessments are ever carried out concerning the well-being and safety of a minister.  In recent years several vicars have been murdered by people they were trying to help.  Around 12% of all clergy have suffered some form of harassment or suffering.  I’d never even thought about my own safety as a church minister.  I’d entered squats and other dangerous places alone.  I’d had to deal with people who were very clearly disturbed unaware whether they posed a risk.    Putting your trust in God alone sometimes isn’t enough.

I only realised the importance of feeling safe when lone working when instructed by the two charities that employed me.  Both gave me alarms and instructions to follow your gut instinct.  Both had policies that mean that all work spaces including clients homes were risked assessed.   One charity also gave me a works mobile phone and every appointment was clearly logged.  If there were any last minute changes, I had to notify the control office immediate.  There were also certain times of the day where I had to make contact.  Failure to respond could mean that my own personal safety plan was put into operation. Knowing that the organisation was looking out for my welfare certainly helped my own sense of well-being.  I felt I was working for an organisation that actually valued me as a person. 

Job Hunting

It had been over twenty five years since I last looked for an alternative job.  Preparing my CV took several days.  What skills do I enter on it?  Would seventeen years as a church minister mean anything to prospective employers?  Technology had changed the search.  An abundance of websites all making claims that they had the right job for you.  I’d not really had to look for work before; it seemed to find me so this was a completely new experience.  I’d actually started my first job before I officially left school, working on days that I was suppose to be studying for my O levels and just taking off the days when I sat my examinations.  I can’t even recall being interviewed for this job.  It was a typical school leaver’s role that my Father had arranged for me.   I just turned up one day and started as a junior office boy.  It suited a purpose but offered no long term prospect.  After twelve months I began looking for employment with better career prospects.  Someone who attended the same church as me, knew I was looking and so recommended me to his management.  His company interviewed me and offered me a new job.  I knew that I didn’t really sell myself well at interview. It was only because my new company preferred taking on people that came recommended by valued staff that I embarked on a new career.  I did change jobs after this but stayed in the same industry.  Again, I didn’t really look for work but was headhunted by people who knew my reputation or had previously managed me.

When I felt it was time to leave this industry and enter church ministry, there was a different selection process.  Not everyone who expresses an interest in church ministry gets chosen. Someone wanting to become a church minister first had to be an active member of their own church.  The church elders then had to give their backing and vouch for the suitability of the applicant.  The applicant would then be interviewed by the Diocese before attending an appraisal weekend which would determine whether or not the applicant would be invited to complete a residential course at the Ministers Training College. 

It took me a while to break down all that I did as a Church minister and write it in a style that would be understood.  Most job adverts stated that if you hadn’t heard back from them within a certain timescale then on that occasion your application was unsuccessful. It can be soul destroying sending off application after application and not receiving any feedback back.  Just the slightest news would offer a snippet of encouragement.  With so many people job hunting, prospective employers probably haven’t the recruitment budget to respond to everyone. 

There were also unscrupulous people seeking to take advantaged of the unemployed.  One scam I came across was that I received an email stating that on this occasion my application was unsuccessful, but the agency could train me up so that I had the necessary qualification.  Even better news was that they would pay me for the days I studied.    All I had to do was email them my bank details!  Strangely enough, the only way to find them on the internet was via a link that they sent to you.  No internet search would direct you to the same site.  It sickened me that these vultures were preying on people desperate for work and robbing those who failed to recognise yet another internet scam.

 I just wanted to work so applied for all roles I thought that I could.  Within a month I had been offered several interviews with different care providers.

Resignation

I came out of the consultation with senior churchmen feeling that the only option available to me was resignation.  The interview techniques used implied to me that this was the best course of action.  They were very subtle though.  When I first mentioned resignation, the immediate response was “you’ll lose your car if you resign.” This struck me as a very peculiar answer.  True, as part of the salary package I‘d lose the leased company vehicle, but it would also mean that I would have to find somewhere else to live.  I thought that when speculating on resigning, the last thing that was on my mind was the perk of a company car!  I had far more important things to consider.  

Most of the country was caught up in Royal wedding celebrations but partying was the last thing on my mind.  I was in a rather morose state.  I drafted out a resignation letter. I had sought the advice of some people who thought I was being rather hasty.  I went for a long lengthy walk in the countryside listening to music through my ipod.  Some people might have decided that they would front the situation out but I felt totally ashamed of the behaviour I had been confronted with. After I finished walking, I posted my letter of resignation to the church administrators.

I decided to accept responsibility for my actions and face the consequences.  It still pains me today that what I did was a mistaken way of trying to save my marriage but ended up costing me everything.  While I have admitted my shortcomings, Sandra has never acknowledged her role in my destruction or accepted any accountability for her behaviour even when challenged.  Despite being the perpetrator of long term Domestic Violence, Sandra still remains a church minister.

After resigning, the church arranged for the leased car to be collected.  They paid for a transporter to collect it off my driveway and deliver it a store area in London.  Within a many of weeks, they then reassigned the leased car I had driven, to another church minister.  By this time, I had also left the manse.  Bizarrely, the leased car was then transported back from London as the church minster they’d reassigned the car to, was now residing in the manse that I had occupied.  They could not have been that concerned about the way they used church funds.  I have been made to feel that I was the world’s biggest criminal in my misappropriation of church funds.  I had also paid back every penny (and more) that I had taken without consent.  None of my previous exemplary conduct was taken into account.  I had no help with relocation.  I was even notified that my membership of the church had been cancelled.  I had been a life-long member.  I had made great sacrifices all my life for the church and now a church preaching forgiveness and restoration was casting me out without any compassion.