For years while I endured sustained assaults and suffered
Domestic Abuse, I made excuses for my perpetrator. My attacker has never shown any remorse for
her actions or even acknowledged the impact it has had on me and our
children. It’s over 4 years since I
escaped from the relationship and I’ve been able to move forward, but I still
try and seek understanding as to why my ex behaved in the manner she did.
Most of the data sources will tell you that Domestic
Violence perpetrators are narcissistic and taking full advantage of male privilege. However, when pointed out that women can also
behave in a violent manner towards their intimate partners, denial can no
longer be used that this actually happens because it’s now accepted as possible. Mind you, if a woman is a
perpetrator of Domestic abuse, it is because of the effects of alcohol abuse or
illness.
This train of thought is very familiar to me for I used to
tell my children after they’d witnessed their mother attack me, “Your mum’s not
well, only she doesn’t realise it – we must all try and keep calm to help her.”
I have spoken to many people describing what I
experienced. Quite a few, from different
backgrounds which included Mental Health professionals, all commented along
similar lines, “Sounds like she has Borderline Personality Disorder(BPD)”
The main way of diagnosing BPD is the matching of 5 out of 9
criteria. Diagnosis, though, are hard to
come by because treatment is often extremely difficult because of the way the patient’s
anger control skills and interpersonal skills could manifest themselves.
My own personal research into Personality Disorders
certainly gave me some answers for I could identify certain types of
behaviour. I saw behavioural patterns
that were consistent with Borderline Personality Disorder. I also saw behavioural traits that matched
another disorder known as Antisocial Personality Disorder ( also known as
Dissocial personality disorder).
Antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, along with narcissistic
personality disorder and histrionic personality disorder, and are so closely
related that they are referred to as the "antagonistic" cluster of
personality disorders. If antagonistic
sounds too harsh, this group is often referred to as Emotive and Impulsive
Cluster.
From my research, interviews with other DV victims and discussions
with professionals, it is my belief that ALL perpetrators of Domestic Abuse,
irrespectively of gender, have a personality disorder from this antagonistic
cluster.
Let me briefly explain each type:
Dissocial [Antisocial]
Personality Disorder F60.2 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Dissocial [antisocial] personality disorder is characterized
by disregard for social obligations, and callous unconcern for the feelings of
others. There is gross disparity between behaviour and the prevailing social
norms. Behaviour is not readily modifiable by adverse experience, including
punishment. There is a low tolerance to frustration and a low threshold for
discharge of aggression, including violence; there is a tendency to blame
others, or to offer plausible rationalizations for the behaviour bringing the
patient into conflict with society.
Borderline Personality
Disorder F60.3 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Borderline personality disorder is characterized by a
definite tendency to act impulsively and without consideration of the
consequences; the mood is unpredictable and capricious. There is a liability to
outbursts of emotion and an incapacity to control the behavioural explosions.
There is a tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others,
especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or censored. Two types may be
distinguished: the impulsive type, characterized predominantly by emotional
instability and lack of impulse control, and the borderline type, characterized
in addition by disturbances in self-image, aims, and internal preferences, by
chronic feelings of emptiness, by intense and unstable interpersonal
relationships, and by a tendency to self-destructive behaviour, including
suicide gestures and attempts.
Narcissistic
Personality Disorder F60.8 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Narcissistic personality disorder is not classified as a
specific personality disorder by the World Health Organization's ICD-10. In
contrast, the American Psychiatric Association's DSM-5 does classify this as a
specific personality disorder; characterized by a pervasive pattern of
grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), interpersonally exploitative, envious of
others, arrogant attitudes, need for
admiration, and lack of empathy.
Histrionic Personality Disorder F60.4 - ICD10 Description, World Health Organization
Histrionic personality disorder is characterized by shallow
and labile affectivity, self-dramatization, theatricality, exaggerated
expression of emotions, suggestibility, egocentricity, self-indulgence, lack of
consideration for others, easily hurt feelings, and continuous seeking for
appreciation, excitement and attention.
Causes of personality
disorders
The causes of personality disorders are not fully known.
Possible causes include trauma in early childhood such as abuse, violence,
inadequate parenting and neglect. Genetic and neurological factors could also play a
part in the onset of a personality disorder.
These findings are consistent with my own views for I
believe that the actions of a domestic violence perpetrator stem from their own
learnt behaviours of childhood. If they
have experienced some early life trauma and not received the necessary
professional help, that ‘learnt’ behaviour has moulded their personality
disorder. I have written elsewhere about
my own experience and my ex- wife’s background which hinted at some deep trauma
which she has never divulged.
At the start of the piece I drew attention to the
contrasting attitudes towards gender-specific perpetrators…men abuse because
they think themselves superior while women only abuse because they are ill (
and alcohol abuse is also viewed as an illness). Actually, we need to destroy all the gender
myths. Domestic Violence is NOT Gender-specific. Both men and women abuse and both men and
women are victimised. Substance abuse is
now considered an illness, and perhaps we will only see great inroads into
solving and minimising the occurrence of domestic abuse incidents when we
accept that ‘prone to violence’ behaviour is also an illness and treat ALL perpetrators
for personality disorders.
