A fearful silence

Part of an abusers armoury is their employment of emotional blackmail and constant belittling of the victim.  People looking from outside may wonder why one untrue spoken comment causes so much damage.  However it is not the sole innocuous word spoken in haste, but a constant barrage of depreciation wears the target down, who then starts to sink into low personal self-esteem and little confidence which then affects every area of their lives.

Abusers also use their environmental perception to further degrade their victim with comments such as  “No-one will believe you,” or “No one else would want you.”

My abuser would tell me every day in front of our children that she hated me.   This would be without any provocation and not even in the context of those barbed statements that are sometimes thrown in a verbal domestic exchange.   I stopped talking about our work (because part of our work load was shared), because she found fault with everything.  With hindsight, I probably stopped working to the best of my ability because I was just so tired of having to face a bombardment of insults concerning my labours.

Knowing that the slightest thing could trigger a violent assault from her, I completely withdrew into myself.  I put on a charade to hide the truth, but I wasn’t myself.  

I’ve already written that when challenged, my abusive ex-wife would respond with “You’re a Man, you can put up with it.”  She also resorted to emotional blackmail.  On a regular basis I would be told, “If you leave, I will destroy you completely,” and “I’ll take you for every penny”  That wasn’t hard since I didn’t have a penny to my name!

Being church ministers, our house was the property of the church (as was the car I drove).    She told me often that she could leave whenever she wanted because if she took the children, enough agencies would be willing to rehouse a single mother with three children.  She would also tell me that I couldn’t leave because I had nowhere to go and no-one would provide me with housing .

She was right, she knew it and exploited that fact.  She knew that, as a man, I was unlikely to tell anyone my fate at her hands.  She knew that there was no refuge resources for me. She knew that people would not and could not comprehend the level of abuse that I’d suffered.  She knew that people would assume I may be over-reacting to a simple fall-out. 

Men also remain silent because they know that it will be difficult to convince others that they are a victim of domestic abuse.  Sadly, the perpetrator usually exploits this knowledge to their own advantage increasing the psychological pressure on the victim.

The silence deepened.  I felt I had no choice.  As fear clouded over me, my mental and psychological well-being evaporated.   If you have followed my story, you will know that the point came after 17 long years when I choose not to go back into the abuse.  I escaped.  What happened?  

All the things I feared came true.  I did indeed have nowhere to go.  I ended up sleeping on my elderly parents’ sofa for 6 weeks.  Their bungalow wasn’t big enough to house me indefinitely.  Yes, there were many who though I was over-reacting to a simple fall-out.  Only it was far from simple and eventually the whole truth emerged.  

My fearful silence was over.  I won’t pretend it was easy. In fact, life which had been quite secure was now tough.  However, I’m a different person now.  The journey I’m on as a survivor is hard,  but I have regained my life.  No longer am I just existing from moment to moment, I’m learning to enjoy the moments living free of all fear.

Why men remain silent

In July 2012, I wrote about the emotional impact of being silent had on me (http://thesilenceofdomesticviolence.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/silence.html), I feel that the time has come to unpack this a little more and explore the reasons why men remain silent about being victims of domestic abuse.

I’m task-oriented I will discuss my aims, my projects, my achievements with anyone.  But if you asked me how I was feeling, the answer you would get would be , “I’m fine,” even if I wasn’t.  It just wasn’t part of my nature to talk about my feelings and emotions.  If I felt hurt, I wasn’t going to make an issue of it – I certainly wouldn’t let anyone know – I’d simply dust myself down, pick myself up and carry on.   I would talk about what I could do or what I was going to do, but never about how I felt or the circumstances behind emotions.  I would say that this is true for most men that our innermost angst remains locked away in our psyche.

For a long time, I didn’t recognise the violent assaults on me as Domestic Abuse.  I’d made a wedding vow that included the words, “ for better or for worst, in sickness and in health.”   The actions perpetrated against me, I reasoned, was because of some undiagnosed illness caused by the stress of bereavement and maybe even physiological changes due to childbirth.  My pleas to my ex-wife to seek medical attention for her extreme anger outbursts were ignored. 

I didn’t see the attacks on me as criminal assaults although they clearly were.  I kept telling myself that the violence would end once the grieving had ended or once the baby had arrived.  It never did.  The more I accepted her pattern of behaviour, the worst it became.  Also, how could I even think about involving the Police and pressing charges against the woman I loved? 

I felt I couldn’t tell anyone.   Who would believe me?  Most people thought that women are incapable of attacking the physically stronger man.  I wish I’d known back then that women attacking their male partners is far more prevalent than assumed.   Although hit, I’d never retaliate back.  To me, striking a women even under provocation, is totally unacceptable.  When I first stayed away from the marital home a counselling session was arranged.  This was facilitated by our Bishop before they realised the extent of the abuse.  In fact, I would like to think that this session helped them comprehend the severity of the abuse I suffered.  In trying to comprehend all that had happened, I spoke about being physically hit by my ex-wife and said that I would never hit her back. She responded in a loud, angry voice, “If you did hit me, you’d only do it once!” to which I calmly responded , “That’s the problem though, you’ve hit me more than once.” 

However, the attitudes I encountered afterwards were all dismissive about the severity of the abuse.   I suspect though, were I female, it would have been a different story. 

Men remain silent because they suspect that they won’t be believed.   This is borne out by statistics that I’ve quoted before from  The Mankind Initiative:

• Twice as many male victims (28%) than women (13%) do not tell anyone about the domestic abuse they are suffering – highlighting the level of underreporting.

• Male victims are three times (10%) more likely not to tell the police they are victim than a female victim (29%) and only 4% of male victims will tell a health professional compared to 19% of female victims.

I looked up the Crown Prosecution Services (CPS)  guidelines for Domestic Violence. I thought that perhaps I could find reasons for why men don't feel comfortable going to the authorities.  It makes interesting reading:

6 - Gender and the CPS violence against women strategy

The Violence against Women Strategy provides an overarching framework for crimes that have been identified as primarily being committed by men, against women, within a context of power and control.

Domestic violence prosecutions should therefore be addressed within an overall framework of violence against women and an overall human rights framework……..Prosecutors should also recognise that domestic violence also takes places within same sex relationships that men can be abused by women and that family members can be abused by siblings, children, grandchildren and other relatives.

Although there is a token reference to male victims (recognised that men can be abused by women), the clear emphasis made is that Domestic Violence is primarily committed by men against women.

I decided to explore this more and came across:

Matczak, A., Hatzidimitriadou, E., and Lindsay, J. (2011). Review of Domestic Violence policies in England and Wales. London: Kingston University and St George‘s, University of London. ISBN: 978-0-9558329-7-0

This proved to be insightful and offered some history about UK Governmental Policy development:

Violence against women was recognised as a fundamental infringement of human rights in the 1993 United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence against Women and was a major topic at the 1995 Beijing Fourth World Conference on Women (UN Women, 1995). The serious consequences of domestic violence have also been recognised by the World Health Organisation (Krug et al. 2002).

Over the past 30 years there have been major changes in the national policy and comprehension of domestic violence in the United Kingdom driven and in response to advocacy and campaigning by the women‘s movement and non-governmental organisations providing services to abused women (Harvin, 2006)…..

During the period between 1997 and 2010, the main focus of policy and legislation on domestic violence was on implementing measures based on prevention, protection and justice and the provision of support for victims of domestic abuse, to be implemented by partnerships of service providers at local and national levels. Interestingly, in formulating policy, the government defined domestic violence in a gender-neutral way. Since 2010, following the election of a Coalition government (Conservatives and Liberal Democrats), there is a shift in policy direction with increased focus on a more broad gender-based agenda to ―end violence against women and girl (Home Office, 2010).

……….

The UK Government is currently reviewing policy in this area and is utilising the United Nations Declaration‘s (1993) definition, namely:

Any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life’. (Home Office, 2010)

The current government is consulting on whether to extend this definition to include younger people (Home Office, 2011).

………

The consultation also recognised that men and boys could be victims of domestic violence and the impact of domestic abuse on families and children. In March 2011 a new action plan Call to End Violence against Women and Girls: Action Plan was published setting out immediate and longer term priorities for action and the responsibilities of different government departments and framing policy development within an equalities and prevention framework with a distinct and new focus not only on adults but also on the protection of children from domestic and gender based violence within families, schools and from harmful material on the internet. It is backed by a £28 million fund to support the provision of specialist services for victims and prevention work.

The last paragraph offers once more the nominal concession to men and then promotes the new Action Plan which excludes men.   It does concern me that the move away from a Gender-Neutral to Gender-Based approach will stop men from speaking out.  It goes without saying that if only female abuse victims are heard and listened to, even fewer men will be strong enough to come forward. 

The truth is that Domestic Violence is no respecter of gender.  These statistics show that while 

slightly more women than men suffer DV, the gap between the two genders isn’t that wide:

Produced by the ManKind Initiative in February 2013:

·         40% of domestic abuse victims are male: for every five victims, three will be

female, two will be male.

·         7% of women and 5% of men were estimated to have experienced any domestic

abuse in the last year, equivalent to an estimated 1.2 million female and 800,000

male victims.

·         31% of women and 18% (one in six) of men had experienced any domestic abuse

since the age of 16. These figures were equivalent to an estimated 5.0 million

female victims of domestic abuse and 2.9 million male victims.

·         Partner abuse (non-sexual) was the most commonly experienced type of intimate

violence among both women and men. 24% of women (3.9 million) and 13% of

men (2.1 million) reported having experienced such abuse since the age of 16: for

every three victims of partner abuse, two will be female and one will be male.

·         In 2011/12, 4% of women (675,000) and 3% of men (491,000) experienced

partner abuse: a split of 57%.43% (for every seven victims – four will be female,

three will be male).

·          1.1% of men and 1.3% of women were victims of severe force at the hands of

their partner during 2011/12. Over a lifetime the figures are 6.1% and 13.2%

respectively.

·         More married men (2.3%) suffered from partner abuse in 2011/12 than

married women (1.8%)

·         More men in managerial and professional occupations (3.0%) suffered from

partner abuse in 2011/12 than women with the same occupation (2.6%)

·         Men with children (3.0%) are as likely to be victims of partner abuse than men

without children. The figure is the same for female victims (3.5%)·  

·         In 2011/12 – 17 men (one every 21 days) died at the hands of their partner or ex-partner compared with 88 women (one every four days)

These figures certainly make nonsense of the claim made in the following UK Government 

document:

The vast majority of the incidents of domestic abuse, sexual assault and stalking are perpetrated by men on women.

Call to End Violence Against Women and Girls yMarch 2011

This claim is clearly unsubstantiated and should not be the basis for a Gender-based approach.   All Domestic Abuse is wrong and both sexes are as likely to be victims/ perpetrators.

Men remained silent because their voice is not heard or when it is, it is seldom believed.  

What can you do when someone you know is experiencing domestic violence

With grateful thanks to Graeme Stuart for allowing me to reproduce this great blog from http://sustainingcommunity.wordpress.com/

What can you do when someone you know is experiencing DV?

Posted on 26 March 2013by Graeme Stuart

What can we do when we know (or suspect) that a friend, family member, colleague, neighbour or somebody we know is experiencing domestic violence or family violence?

If you feel that someone you know is at risk, approach them about the abuse in a sensitive way. If a friend tells you that they are being abused, listen to them, believe them and take them seriously. But then what?

A few years ago some colleagues (Dee Brooks and Craig Hammond) explored what other people had found helped in this situation. Based on conversations with over 200 people (including survivors of domestic violence, family members and community workers), here are 73 suggestions for things you can do to provide support and encouragement.

BE THERE

Show them they are not alone by:
1.    telling them you are concerned
2.    checking in with them
3.    listening to and believing them
4.    being non-judgemental
5.    being aware of their wellbeing and safety
6.    letting them know you are there
7.    giving them time and space to talk
8.    giving them a quiet place to sit
9.    providing time out for a laugh and a smile
10.    reminding them of their strengths and abilities
11.    respecting their cultural or religious values & beliefs
12.    being patient
13.    being there for the long haul

To be able to help you need to be informed.
Find out about:
14.    ways to help by talking to somebody who knows
15.    available services & safe accommodation options
16.    where to access resources or information
17.    how to help if drugs or alcohol are an issue
18.    the impact of domestic violence on children
19.    the long-term effects of abuse or violence

Take the abuse seriously and don’t avoid the issue!
Discuss with them:
20.    what support they want or need
21.    what is the best way you can help them
22.    who else could help – other family or friends
23.    what they don’t want you to do
24.    how safe they feel
25.    what they can do to protect themselves
26.    ways to keep hopeful and in control

Encourage them so they can stay strong and make decisions. 
Support them by:
27.    letting them know they are not to blame
28.    helping them to recognise an abusive situation
29.    not being negative about their partner
30.    affirming you will be there whether they leave or stay
31.    sharing what you have learnt about abuse or domestic violence
32.    respecting their decisions

LEND A HAND

Give practical assistance. Offer them:
33.    a helping hand
34.    a safe place to stay
35.    a cup of tea or coffee
36.    a cooked meal
37.    transport
38.    support to go to the police or court
39.    access to a phone and phone book
40.    help to get a mobile phone
41.    help with their children
42.    help to call a Domestic Violence service
43.    help to learn about local support services for them and their children
44.    help to obtain financial or legal advice
45.    help with their pets
46.    other help they ask for

Help them be safe. Support and encourage them to:
47.    call 000 or a Domestic Violence service
48.    think through their options
49.    develop and use a safety plan
50.    pack an escape bag and hide it in a safe place
51.    find out about Apprehended Violence Orders
52.    find out about other legal support services
53.    use a secret code word or action when needed
54.    build confidence in themselves

Let them know there are others who can help.
They could ring or visit:
55.    a local neighbourhood centre for advice
56.    a disability service if appropriate
57.    their local church
58.    a refuge (call Lifeline on 13 11 14, in Australia)
59.    the police (call 000, in Australia)
60.    other community services

KEEP KIDS SAFE

It is important that we help keep kids safe.
If children are involved you could:
61.    call 000 or DoCS (13 21 11, in NSW Australia) if children  are at risk of harm
62.    help develop a safety plan
63.    be consistent in their lives
64.    remind them it’s not their fault
65.    do fun things
66.    allow them to talk about it
67.    provide opportunities for self-expression

CONSIDER YOUR OWN SAFETY

68.    keep yourself safe as well!
69.    be realistic about how much time you give
70.    you can only support someone if you are OK
71.    get some support for yourself
72.    if there is an immediate threat of violence call 000 (in Australia)
73.    stay strong and positive

Do you have any other suggestions?

It is important to realise that domestic and family violence is not only physical. It can also include:

• emotional abuse
• mental abuse
• psychological abuse
• physical abuse
• social isolation
• financial or economic control
• sexual assault
• stalking

Sometimes we wonder if it is OK to become involved. There are a few myths that can stop us lending a hand, but it is important to do what we can. Here are three myths.

MYTH: It’s not my business

Domestic and family violence is not a private issue, it’s everybody’s business and we can all make a difference. Some people say they only found the courage to change their situation once they had support.

With the ongoing support from family and friends, I’ve come from not caring what I looked like to wanting to live! Now I’m looking at a future and no-one’s going to stop me. (Kim, survivor of domestic violence)

MYTH: There’s nothing I can do

There are many things you can do to support someone experiencing domestic violence. According to survivors, simply being there and listening to them are two of the best ways to provide support.

I suggested to a friend of mine that she come stay with me or go to a refuge. Just talking with her about domestic violence and how I could support her helped her have the courage to take action. (Tammy, friend of domestic violence survivor)

MYTH: If they go back, they’ve made their own bed

There are many reasons why people return to an abusive or violent relationship. Ask them how you can best support them, be patient and let them know you will be there whatever decision they make.

Often people say, ‘She could get out if she wanted to, so I’m not doing nothing’. They don’t understand the power issues. I think the most important thing is to hang in there with her. If she chooses to stay don’t close the door on her but offer support and listen to her. (Chris, domestic violence worker)

Remember, there is something you can do. Don’t sit back and let it happen.

Finding a Voice

In speaking out about Intimate Partner Violence, I’ve encountered several differing attitudes.  There does seem to be reluctance in accepting that men can also be victims of domestic abuse. 

The common perception is that far more women than men suffer from domestic violence.  For the few men that do, it is easier for them to leave the relationship and rebuild their lives.  Even then, a common-held viewpoint is than men who claim to be victims, are in fact abusers themselves.   This leads to certain assumptions:

• Violent women are acting solely in self-defence or retaliation
• Because men are naturally physically stronger than women, they can restrain their aggressor and so any violence towards them is humourous and trivial
• Men can leave an abusive relationship easier because they have greater economic means to be independent
• Men can leave an abusive relationship because the emotional and psychological attachments to a home isn’t as strong as in women

There is no solid research to evidence these assumptions, and yet, it is on the basis of the above that Domestic Violence services and projects are aimed and target ‘women and children’, with seldom provision for men.

The truth is, however, different.   Consider these facts produced by the ManKind Initiative in February 2013:

·         40% of domestic abuse victims are male: for every five victims, three will be

female, two will be male.

·         7% of women and 5% of men were estimated to have experienced any domestic

abuse in the last year, equivalent to an estimated 1.2 million female and 800,000

male victims.

·         31% of women and 18% (one in six) of men had experienced any domestic abuse

since the age of 16. These figures were equivalent to an estimated 5.0 million

female victims of domestic abuse and 2.9 million male victims.

·         Partner abuse (non-sexual) was the most commonly experienced type of intimate

violence among both women and men. 24% of women (3.9 million) and 13% of

men (2.1 million) reported having experienced such abuse since the age of 16: for

every three victims of partner abuse, two will be female and one will be male.

·         In 2011/12, 4% of women (675,000) and 3% of men (491,000) experienced

partner abuse: a split of 57%.43% (for every seven victims – four will be female,

three will be male).

·          1.1% of men and 1.3% of women were victims of severe force at the hands of

their partner during 2011/12. Over a lifetime the figures are 6.1% and 13.2%

respectively.

·         More married men (2.3%) suffered from partner abuse in 2011/12 than

married women (1.8%)

·         More men in managerial and professional occupations (3.0%) suffered from

partner abuse in 2011/12 than women with the same occupation (2.6%)

·         Men with children (3.0%) are as likely to be victims of partner abuse than men

without children. The figure is the same for female victims (3.5%)

·         Twice as many male victims (28%) than women (13%) do not tell anyone

about the domestic abuse they are suffering – highlighting the level of

underreporting. Male victims are three times (10%) more likely not to tell the

police they are victim than a female victim (29%) and only 4% of male victims will

tell a health professional compared to 19% of female victims.

·         In 2011/12 – 17 men (one every 21 days) died at the hands of their partner or ex-partner compared with 88 women (one every four days)

·         12 organisations offer refuge or safe house provision in the UK - a total of 76

spaces, of which 33 are dedicated to male DV victims only (the rest being for

victims of either gender), and of these 33 dedicated spaces, 18 are for gay males

only. There are over 260 organisations with around 4,000 spaces dedicated to

female victims.

·         On at least 120 occasions in 2010 a caller decided not to consider a refuge or safe

house because they were too far away and would mean having to completely

uproot their lives, often having to leave their children and their job behind.

Source:  Office for National Statistics(UK): Crime Survey (Focus on Violent Crime and Sexual Offences, 2011/12

The perceptions and assumptions are misleading and do not help men.  All domestic violence is wrong irrespective of the gender of the perpetrator.  Such common-held views about the nature of domestic abuse could actually empower women to commit violence against their partners (eg. No one will believe you etc..) I know my abusive ex-wife would justify her violent assaults on me by saying, “You’re a man, you can cope with it.” And yet she knew full well that I would never strike back even in retaliation.

By comparison, very little academic research has been carried out concerning male victims of Intimate Partner Violence.  However, Dr Denise A. Hines, Research Assistant Professor, of the Psychology Dept., Clark University, Worcester MA is leading the way. 

A joint study with Dr. Emiliy M. Douglas entitled ‘A Closer Look at Men Who Sustain Intimate terrorism by Women,’(2008) challenges and seeks to correct the mistaken beliefs existing around Domestic Abuse.  Their findings show that:

WHO ARE THE MEN WHO SUSTAIN INTIMATE TERRORISM?  

Our research indicates that the majority of male helpseekers in our sample who sustained 

IT are, or were in serious, long‐term relationships with most being married (48%) or 

separated (18%). The average relationship lasted over 8 years, and of the 112 men who 

were no longer in these relationships, the relationships had ended an average of 6 months 

prior to participation in our study. Additionally, almost three‐quarters (73%) of the 

relationships involved minor children, with the helpseekers reporting the presence of 2 

children on average. Furthermore, the helpseekers in our study:

• Were more likely to be white (87%) 

• Were an average of 41 years old 

• Were employed full‐time (69%) 

• Had, on average, graduated from a 2 to 4 year College

• Were, on average, employed in a professional role

• Earned, on average, about $52,000 annually 

                                                           

MENTAL ILLNESS AMONG MEN WHO EXPERIENCE IT

Of the 302 male helpseekers in this study, about a quarter (24%) reported that they had a 

mental illness. Of these men, close to half (41)% reported that they only had the diagnosis 

since being in the relationship. The most common mental illnesses were depressive 

disorders (65%), followed by anxiety disorders (48%).  

WHAT PREVENTS MEN FROM LEAVING

Of the male helpseekers in this study, 189 of them were still with their partners. They 

endorsed a number of different reasons for staying in the relationship. Figure 2 

summarizes those reasons.  

      

The male helpseekers in this study paint a picture of men who are fairly well educated, who 

have professional‐level jobs, and who have children involved in their relationships. They 

report sustaining severe levels of violence at the hands of their partner and have significant 

concerns about whether to leave their partners and what would happen if they did leave. 

Many of these men report loving their partners, hoping that she will change, showing 

commitment to their marriage, and concern about what would happen to the children.  

The limited statistics and studies available highlights a completely different reality to the one commonly accepted concerning Domestic Violence and male victims.  Until more men find their voice and speak out, well-meaning (but unfounded) assumptions will continued to be made.